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My widowed dad is 91. He has diabetes, kidney disease, gout, edema and occasional incontinence. He is overweight and not in good physical shape. He also has some age related memory loss and sometimes gets confused. But he still lives on his own in his house, drives, gets his groceries. He is very independent and refuses home care. He owned his own business and he has that self made man identity that makes him unable to see how much his own abilities have diminished.
He got it into his head that now that his dog has died he wants to travel and he invited himself onto our trip to Maui next February. There is no way he is going. He can barely walk two blocks without needing to sit down. He has fallen a number of times in the last few years and ended up in emergency twice. And while he can remember how to get around the small town he lives in, I could not trust him to go anywhere on his own in Maui without getting lost. He has trouble operating the phone on his iPhone and sometimes forgets his pin on his debit/credit card. He would need a constant chaperone and many places we like to go, like beaches for snorkeling and surfing or trails for walks and hikes he just couldn’t go.
I’ve thought about all the ways I could make this work for him but every scenario leads to a trip that is going to be miserable for me and my spouse and has a decent chance of Dad ending up in a Maui hospital, which is a big problem because we all live on the west coast of Canada.
It breaks my heart to tell him that he is too old and frail to do this kind of long distance travel. I know he will be upset. And yes, a part of me feels guilty and selfish, but my spouse and I work hard and need this vacation for us. I am my Dad’s primary caregiver and I get burnt out and need time away from caring for him. Anyone been through this? How did you handle it?

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BCMan100: I am glad to read that your father will not be going on this long distance vacay with you. You deserve and need this vacation to recharge. Upon your return, perhaps you could take dad on a short car trip to a favorite destination of his. Have a wonderful time!
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If he has money to take trips, is there anyone that could go with him to be his chaperone? Like a caregiver person to be with him during the entire trip. Scooters can be rented and/or wheelchairs. All of you could meet up for meals or special outing.

If just getting there wears him out, he may stay at the hotel all the time anyway. So 24 hr provider with him would be company and to keep him out of trouble. Would allow you private time and a break, too.

Otherwise, is there a shorter trip you could include him on? And take a caregiver to help him out. A cruise is a self contained fun ship. He would never have to leave the ship...or possible just use scooter/wheelchair to get into the port shops. Then back to the ship. That might be a better trip that you could do with him - separate/adjoining rooms with someone else doing the caregiving. Might be fun.
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BurntCaregiver Oct 2022
@my2cents

They don't want him going on the trip with them and that is understandable. A married couple sometimes wants to take a vacation by themselves. A family caregiver needs to get away from the person they take care of day in and day out.
All the chaperones and scooters and assistance in the world don't matter. The bottom line is the OP needs to get away from her elderly father for a while. As in taking a vaccation from him, not with him. Everyone needs a break from time to time.
I remember when my in-laws invited themselves on a vacation. They're independent and neither of us were their caregivers. We did not get a minute to ourselves. Never again.
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I see you have solved your issue concerning the Maui trip. I agree that the trip would be way too much for him. It might be nice to plan a little mini trip that he could handle, though. Western BC is a wonderful place, with a lot of beautiful scenery. I live several hundred miles south of you, but within an hour's drive of the Cascade mountains. There are oodles of places to rent in the mountains, often with a lake view. Some of the cabins are not expensive, either. You might think about renting a 2 bedroom cabin for 2 or 3 days. Your Dad will have a trip and you and your wife can spend a few days listening to the birds and watching the trees and water with your Dad. When my Mom was in her 90's we would do this or rent side-by-side rooms in an ocean front motel. She loved these mini trips almost as much as the globe-trotting trips that she took in middle age when she could hike all day.
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Your first mistake was to tell him you are going. Next tell him no! you need private time. Hopefully he will laugh.
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It is really simple.

You say "No." It isn't safe for you and I feel very sad about this . . . then you change the subject.

Get out your feelings elsewhere - get support from friends, here, social worker. Don't dump on him and explain 'away'.

Be clear and understand why you need to set boundaries so you feel confident (enough) when talking with him. Hold his hand while you do. Don't make it a prolonged discussion. If you can 'tie in' another person staying with him . . . or him doing activities he might enjoy . . . do this. If it was me, I'd make it very short.

Another way, if he forgets is NOT tell him you are going.

Touch Matter, Gena.
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Let him know this is your romantic and restorative vacation and that you will provide a caregiver for him while you're away. Perhaps get him a lovely gift that he will enjoy.

Perhaps his caregiver can take him on an outing or two while you're away?

Aloha!
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He is probably worried about being alone while you are away(?) set your boundary and get him set up with care while you are away on your trip. If possible, start the in-home care/support before your trip and discuss the need to transition into the next phase of his life. Professional help with your supervision.
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If he is lonely can you get him an older dog or cat to replace the animal he lost. I suggest an older animal so that he doesn't have to train it. Try a city shelter or a pet rescue. This way he has a responsibility/job.
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PeggySue2020 Oct 2022
All the responsibility of pet care goes to the family as seniors become unable to do it. And then there’s the fact that as the dog or cat become incontinent, enfeebled or lame as they are, the more they’re going to freak at the idea of euthanizing their “furbaby” who they are “dog mom” to.

My so’s grandma had a betta fish in her AL. She also had an aide that would change its quart of water every few days. There was no aquarium setup and of course no vet care.
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I would be honest with him and say to him
"Dad we love you very much and I know how much you would really like to go to Maui with us but I hope you will understand this is a vacation for me and my husband. We are looking forward to this vacation for just the two of us. Maybe you and I can plan another trip together for another time."

This way you are not telling him he is too old and frail. No one wants to hear that. I am sure he recognizes that himself. But he should understand that this is a vacation for you and your husband.
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BC updated Oct 17

"Thanks for your replies. I ended up telling Dad a bit of a white lie. We just said that the room we booked was for only two people and it couldn’t be changed. It’s partly true. The condo is a 500 sq ft one bedroom and the sofa probably folds out into a bed but even if he was healthy enough to go it would have been crowded with little privacy. He was disappointed, and hearing that in his voice was a bit heartbreaking, but this was the right thing to do."
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You don’t have to tell him he’s too old and frail and you certainly have nothing to feel guilty about nor should your heart be broken. Putting your burn out from caring for him aside, you and your husband have worked hard all of your lives to be able to enjoy these vacations together and it simply isn’t fair to the two of you to suddenly include anyone else. I haven’t looked at responses below, though I’m sure most have similar things to say but for a moment think about it if your father didn’t have his medical issues and was perfectly capable on his own would you be excited to take him then? Probably not and that’s ok because this is something planned for you and your spouse.

Just tell Dad that while it would be fun to do another time this trip is one you and DS have been planning and saving for a long time and just need to do together, a third person isn’t in the plan. So it’s not about him it’s about you and your spouse. Then go and have a wonderful, relaxing time! If you need to suggest you and dad or even the three of you plan another trip somewhere do that, it may or may not happen but it may be important for your dad to dream about.
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Please, you are not selfish. You’re correct this will be painful but sooner rather that later Dad needs to know the demands of this trip are beyond his ability. So sorry this is happening, as you certainly deserve to enjoy the excitement of looking ahead to your vacation as well as the experience.
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Check with his doctor. I say your dad's health conditions make traveling unsafe for him. And, he should be in a facility to manage his conditions.
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Tell him it’s too long a flight & that maybe a shorter day trip with him is planned. Get home care for him while you’re away. You can also Tell him it’s your honeymoon that you never took…(or second honeymoon if you did take one) Have home health aide come in to meet you before so you’re comfortable with her & for a few hours a day she can help with housekeeping chores…& to keep eye on him. Hugs 🤗
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Changing my post, I saw that you have spoken with him.

It is ok to say no to parents. And it is not ok for anyone to expect to join in on another person's holiday.
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Would he accept the information from his doctor that he can not go on such a trip? If so contact his doctor and express your concerns and given the information you have given I am sure his doctor would tell him he can not go.
If he wants further "proof" take dad on a l o n g trip some weekend with a l o n g car ride (that's nothing compared to a treck through an airport and a long flight) I am sure that he would find a weekend exhausting and that is nothing compared to a week or 2 away.
Con Vince him to take his own vacation at a local Assisted Living facility. He may actually enjoy it
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Would he forget about it if you didn't mention it to him? Then just tell him right before your vacation that you'll be away for a time. You don't have to tell him where you're going, unless he asks. If he asks, mention that you are going on an active trip with scuba diving, surfing, mountain hikes, etc. Make sure that has someone to look in on him while you're away, to make sure he's OK. Caregivers need to take breaks, and your vacation sounds like just the thing to do to refresh and relax. Enjoy your vacation! (and please don't feel guilty about taking time off).
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Sounds like you have the issue under control, but if you must disclose a future trip, talk it up as a 2nd honeymoon. Lay on the mush. Thick. How romantic it’ll be. That might help reinforce the “just us” idea. (I’m writing as an only child whose elderly mother thought everything we did and everywhere we went should involve her)

Happy travels! Aloha!
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I agree this isn't the trip for him to join you.
But, I encourage you to plan a trip that is at his pace and focused on time with him. Often, cruises are set up for seniors with a variety of activities for younger family members both in port and at sea. A full family vacation would be a memory you would all cherish, and together you could all "tag team" 1:1 time with dad, enjoy full family meals, and have time for your own family, too.
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Glad you've told him that he can't go on your trip.

Do you have any siblings? Since you are his primary caregiver, one or more of them should step up and either come stay with your father or take him to one of their homes. Why are you the primary caregiver?
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BCMan100 Oct 2022
Part of the reason I am the primary caregiver is that I am the oldest son and the closest to my dad.
My younger brother and older sister get along with him but for whatever reasons don’t have the same bond. It’s not so much that you choose to be the primary caregiver, it’s that your parent turns to you and trusts you more than your siblings and you in turn feel more responsible for your parent. Believe me, I’ve tried getting my siblings more involved.
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Hi fellow B.C., west coaster.

I sympathize with you but on the other hand I've always felt that while it's difficult I think pussy footing around things when it comes to dealing with this type of situation is a waste of time.

I think sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. You just have to be straight with your dad. He may not understand but truly if you wait for a person with cognitive issues to understand, the dateline for your trip will have come and gone and you will be no further ahead.

If you have arrangements in place for his care for while you are gone just go and have a good time. His feelings may be hurt but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. Make it up to him somehow when you return.

Life shouldn't have to stop for us when we are caring for someone. I don't think you'd want that for someone who may be caring for you in the future.
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BC,

Just figured out your talking an area 25x20. No, not room enough for 3 and no privacy. Do not feel guilty about this. You and wife need this trip alone. Have a great time.
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Glad you broke the news to dad & that matter is now behind you. We all suffer disappointments in life and we get over them, too, as your dad will. I hope you and your wife have a great time in Hawaii and when you get home, nice & rested, THEN you can think about taking your dad on a short adventure in the car. Win/win for all concerned.
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Thanks for your replies. I ended up telling Dad a bit of a white lie. We just said that the room we booked was for only two people and it couldn’t be changed. It’s partly true. The condo is a 500 sq ft one bedroom and the sofa probably folds out into a bed but even if he was healthy enough to go it would have been crowded with little privacy. He was disappointed, and hearing that in his voice was a bit heartbreaking, but this was the right thing to do.
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SnoopyLove Oct 2022
BCMan, I hope you have a wonderful, rejuvenating trip filled with the spirit of Aloha! Enjoy! 🌺
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I took my parents on several three-day road trips just to get them out of their house. I booked them handicapped accessible hotel rooms with me next-door, and we did one shortish outing a day. It worked very well.
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Beatty Oct 2022
Your folks were very lucky indeed to have you able to offer such support to enable them to have these trips.

Maybe the OP would like to be the support person for Dad to have a mini holiday.. ? Or not... ? But I Ieel that is a separate agenda..

Regarding the OP's planned family holiday - with an active itinery planned for herself, & spouse, appropriate for their ages & interests - this is just not suitable for Grandad.
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Have his doctor tell him that it's not advisable at this time.
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You would not be able to get travel insurance for him, even if you find it is going to be super expensive and will not cover preexisting conditions.
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BCMan100 Oct 2022
I thought the same thing. But I did check excess medical premiums through BCAA and for a man with his age, his health conditions it was $1300 for ten days with pre-existing illness coverage. Which was a lot less than I thought. It didn’t change my mind about him going, of course.
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Oh my goodness, please do not do this! When my father was 80 he invited himself along on a trip to Disney World with the kids and I. I had been saving for years to take them. He still lived on his own and got along pretty well. However, he does have a habit of acting helpless when others are around. I figured at least I would have someone to split costs with. So not worth it!

He had so much trouble just getting through the airport. I was a nervous wreck trying to keep an eye on him and two excited middle schoolers. He couldn't keep up so he would find a place to sit and people watch but we felt bad so after every ride we would check back in with him. My vacation style is go-go-go and I just couldn't do that with an 80-year-old. We couldn't cover the ground I had hoped so I felt really gipped out of our trip. And the best part was the helpful people telling me I should have rented a wheelchair for him. I asked how me pushing someone around in a wheelchair would be a vacation for me. Funny how when you are with an elderly person the rest of the world forgets that you might actually have some wants and needs too. I did end up gong back to Florida the following year to Sea World and Discovery Cove and did not tell him.
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JoAnn29 Oct 2022
I too am go go. At 73 I would not go to Disney World or Universal again. Have done Universal 3x and Disney a couple. The last trip to Universal I was 69 and husband 71. Its not for our generation.
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Stop talking about the trip with him. If he brings it up again, tell him the trip is a vacation for you and your husband. Be clear that you and hubby want time for yourselves and bringing him along is not up for discussion. Ask him to respect the decision you and your husband have made about your trip.

It's also time to have a candid conversation with your dad about his limitations and become more realistic about what he can and cannot do. His needs are only going to increase. It's better to start managing his expectations of himself and of you sooner rather than later.
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BCMan100 Oct 2022
😁 I am the hubby!
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You need to make this a YOU problem rather than a HIM problem as he will argue with the latter. Simply tell Dad that he isn't welcome on this trip and sorry, that this trip is for YOU to go on with one another, and that you hope he understands, but whether he does or not, this is the simple fact. "No" can be a simple one word sentence. Practice saying it.
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