My parents were married 26 years and it was very unhappy. They divorced and it was quite messy. Dad remarried a great lady and were together until she passed away 25 years later. Now my dad is in Assisted Living and talks constantly about how awful my mom was/is, personal information that no child should hear about their parents and how he was screwed out of money. I always let him know that he should be thinking about the good times he had with his 2nd wife and not dwell on bad times. I get upset with these stories and can't hold a conversation with him that doesn't involve this topic. He is also telling this to my step brothers & sisters and anyone else he finds. Some details are very embarrassing and inappropriate and it makes me uncomfortable. Should I just ignore everything? Cut him off everytime he brings it up? Other suggestions?
she doesn’t have any recent memories, just things that happened a long time ago.
I agree that you have to draw your line in the sand. Tough love. God bless.
There is nothing wrong with you telling him you won't discuss and will leave if he will not stop.....and do it if he does not comply.
People that survived concentration camps are now reliving that. Others placed in camps here in the USA are dealing with the same thing.
So to relive a bad marriage, a brutal childhood is another brutal way this disease takes our loved ones away from us.
If this is a focus of his and it truly upsets him you might want to talk to his doctor about medication for the anxiety.
And if he is recalling actual events this can be horrible for you as well as your step-siblings. It might be worth talking to a therapist about it if you think that would help. A lot of things that may have gone on possibly effected you in ways that you don't realize. (or possibly do, and I am sure this is painful for you to relive)
If you can redirect his conversation that might help but if this is only what he recalls that might be difficult.
People that work at the facility I am sure have "heard it all" and take many things with a "grain of salt" as far as the people living there..they only know 1 side of the story and again I am sure they could care less and again given the source, from a person with dementia take the stories for what it is worth.
For what it's worth, my mom(total narcissist), after 35 years of being divorced from my father who passed away 2 years ago, still trash talks about my Dad.
I have come to realize that some folks are just wired wrong!
My Mom doesn't have dementia.
Look into "Grey Rock ". It's been a life saver for me when Mom starts in about my Dad.
She's just a negative, hateful person. If you are on her bad side (as I am) there is no hope that I will ever be 'accepted' as one of the family. She has told me she hates me, literally. Many times. DH wants me to visit her with him, but I won't, ever again. Our 'last visit' wound up with her screaming (literally) at me and holding her head and telling me over and over to 'just shut up! shut up! why are you even HERE?' I stood up (after about an hour of STANDING as she wouldn't let me sit down) and said "I'm giving you the best gift I can. I'm leaving and I will NEVER come back." SLAMMED the back door (a gesture lost on both her and DH, neither had in the hearing aids) and walked to my sister's--a couple blocks away. By the time I got to sis' house I was laughing. I'm FREE!
About 3 hrs later, DH shows up to get me. He's completely disgusted with his mom, but he'll never say anything to her, ever about treating me better. He DOES get upset with her bad mouthing his father, though, but it has done no good.
People like this (and thank goodness I do not know many!!) are sad, miserable people. DH says it's dementia, but she's been like this as long as I have known her. (46 years)
Sadly--she's always been this way and she will never change. At age 90? She's pretty set in her ways.
DH talks to her maybe once every 2-3 months. He saw her on Mother's Day so her's off the hook for the summer. She gets along with his sister and that's the only person who can handle her.
I'm BLACK rock with her, I don't even plan to go to her funeral at this point. DH is just completely disgusted with her. He wishes I would go with him and 'take the bullet' as it were, but it's just too hard. And it's not my job.
I feel sorry for DH, but she's HIS mom. not mine and NOT my problem.
ENOUGH.
My mother thought it would be a good idea to tell me something SO foul about my father after he died, a 'deep dark secret' she harbored for 68 years, that I felt ready to vomit listening to her. I also felt, at the time, that there was NO WAY I could EVER forgive her for telling me such a thing, or for treating my father like a second class citizen for my entire life.
Instead, I decided I'd had ENOUGH of her chronic BS. So I told her NO MORE! Every time you trash talk my father I'm LEAVING YOUR PRESENCE OR HANGING UP THE PHONE, period.
She never does it any more.
End of story.
You have rights too. If you leave the room or hang up the phone every time your father goes off on a negative tirade about your mother, he'll eventually get the hint.
And if he doesn't? You'll have cut down your exposure to the toxic cesspool he's inundating you with.
I've had to redirect my mother from her bent toward negativity. I made a photo album scrapbook of her travels and work which she now recounts to others repeatedly, thankfully. I just walk away when the complaints of things that don't matter surface.
And yes, shared details with me that I had no interest at all in hearing.
I could stop her in her tracks and ask her why she stayed. She did leave him at least once, but went back to him, but she refuses to take responsibility for her actions.
It is tiresome and although I loved her, I found being around her to be incredibly draining.
Ddefinitely, try to have him checked for that. There are do many different forms and agitation and such are the underlying symptoms for some. I'm not a doctor just have been caring for my family for years and researching the topic. He may need some counseling or testing or both.
If nothing else works then you may have to not tak thoi for awhile.
It can be draining, my dad has been insulting me for years not all the time but pretty much of it. I have a good support system and I get away when I can I try not to argue and my caregiving support class says to redirect the discussion and just agree with them. Both have worked a majority of the time.
This group helps a lot!!
If you have a strong personality you need to put your foot down and give him and put your foot down tell him stop it or leave. Even have someone else talk to him.
You have to do what's right for you also. I'm slowly realizing that and you will make mistakes, we are only human.
I hope things work out.
If you can you might want to talk to a counselor
As an adult child of 2 alcoholics (ACOA) I've learned that when I'm disturbed I must take responsibility for my disturbance. He's not making me feel badly, I'm feeling badly. Setting boundaries like a warning or getting up and leaving doesn't do the trick, I would seek help for my disturbance. I can only change me. I can't change other people. And, over the years I've learned that the imperfect marriage my parents had was and now is one of my "strengths" because it motivated me to explore, change and deal with my beliefs and find a personal strength (spiritual) beyond other people; professional therapy helped along with ACOA and Alanon groups. It's an amazing journey and so worth the effort!
Also, if at the outset of each of your visits with Dad, you jump right in with"Dad, I remember how much fun we had the time we..." Then, if whenever he goes off trashing your mom, you simply glance at your watch and exclaim,"Oh my goodness, look at the time! Gotta run. Dad, it was good to touch base with you and share some happy memories. Til next time!" If his behavior modifies over time, you know it wasn't the dementia talking.
If it doesn't modify, reduce your presence when he is rude.
Since becoming a Christian myself, I know there are those who will say "Oh you Christians think prayer is the answer for everything"!
And I respond with"It may or may not help you father but it will definitely give you a peace of mind while you are dealing with this situation. And who knows...people are getting healed all the time.I watch the 700 Club sometimes and there is a lot of healing going on there.God bless.
I was successful in getting my aunt to not discuss unpleasant “stories” by insisting she stop.
Shes 93 and has dementia. She learned that I would not put up with it. My theory was each time she said it, she reinforced that unpleasant memory. I did not argue with her. I did remind her that one of her stories happened to her friend and not to herself.
She wanted me to stay with her and visit so she would stop but I do know that she’s told these stories to her aides so I can’t say she forgot them.
This may or may not work with your dad but might be worth a try.
Look up rumination. I think this is what your dad is doing.
I like the idea of bringing a topic to discuss before he gets started.
I would also like to gently suggest that you might benefit from a bit of therapy yourself as this had to have been a difficult childhood if your parents were so unhappy while you were growing up. This may be an opportunity for you to heal from that trauma. Staying and listening to it may be very harmful to not only your present but also future happiness.
Do take care of yourself. I’m sorry for this difficult time.
best of luck to both of you! you can do it!
Coping with inappropriate behavior can take many forms. I prefer diversion - change the subject to something more appropriate. Ignoring the comments can work to not give this behavior the :kick: of creating shock or attention-seeking. Activities that require focus also help to distract him.
There is nothing you can do about other people, so don't worry about it, it is out of your control.
If he doesn't stop, walk away, hang up or disengage. You don't have to be his dumping ground for all his garbage.
Dementia is not a free pass to hurt others. You don't deserve to be subjected to his hateful memories. I am sure living with it growing up was more than enough.