My husband has 5 siblings. They've always been quite close. Both parents are on walkers, can't drive and are unable to manage DLAs on their own. The siblings have been rotating turns personally caring for the parents for 14+ months now. Some drive 4-6 hours to get there. Some have spent as much as 7 weeks over a 12 month period staying there. Others have done far less. NONE of the siblings are retired. There is zero hired caregiver support--they live in a low population area where in-home caregivers are next to impossible to find (at least that's the running story). (Mom would qualify for in-home nursing care. Dad would be assisted living.) Three siblings, including the default "leader," refuse to discuss other care-giving options. There has not been a single sibling meeting, group discussion, zoom or anything about a care plan since it all started. It's just: here's what they local sibling expects. Show up.
Anyway--my husband runs a business. His stress level, going to care for them so much, is through the roof. He has tried to take over leadership. He has tried to set up meetings. Several siblings always back out making consensus-building impossible. They refuse to discuss the future. So, he's basically trapped. The family has always been very tight and my husband is a "pleaser." It's killing him to be in disagreement with his siblings. He feels they only care about cow-towing to Mom and are ignoring sibling relationships, needs and health. But he's unable to participate in this arrangement any longer.
He's so miserable and stressed he's planning to give an ultimatum: Have a sibling planning meeting to discuss future options or he'll stop providing parental care altogether. (To-date he's just told them he can't come as often. But he keeps getting sucked back into saying yes due to guilt and worry of ruining his sibling ties.)
Has anyone been in this situation? Tried an ultimatum? Have other ideas to ease the situation? I can't imagine it's going to end well. Thanks in advance.
Are any in agreement with your husband that this method of caregiving is unsustainable? If so it is time to buck up and put on a united front with the ones that want to continue this.
You do not give any info on what is going on with his parents. BUT
If both are cognizant it is time to talk to the parents and tell them that this can not continue.
It is also time to tell the "leader" that this can not continue.
If you or he has a bit of time to search resources that will help with caregiving that might be a start.
If MIL or FIL are Veterans the VA might be of help.
Contact the local Senior Center, they probably have a Social Worker. Find out what resources they have that might get some help into the home.
Area Agency on Aging may also have suggestions.
IF there is resistance from anyone for getting help into the home then he has to pull up his big boy pants and tell the siblings that he can no longer continue the rotation. They will either have to take up the slack or they will realize he is the only sane one in the family and will begin to look for AL and it is very possible that with both of them in AL they will get the help they need 24/7.
He doesn't need to give an ultimatum. If I were in his shoes I would send out an email to all siblings (simultaneously) stating that due to the current and increasing needs of 2 declining parents into the unforeseeable future, he and spouse are no longer willing/able to participate in the hands-on care. It should be a "facts only" letter so, no whining, accusations, pity party, etc. If you give reasons then they will attack or negotiate.
I'd then say what (if anything) I'd be willing to do (like contribute a nominal amount of money each month), or provide caregiving relief for 2 weeks out of the year, etc. Inforrm them when this change in care participation goes into effect. Then be ready for the blow-back but don't give in. Let the remaining martyrs find out for themselves the unsustainability of their plan.
No one can be assumed into caregiving. You are under no moral obligation to provide anything if your parents didn't create a reasonable plan for themselves. Adult children should not be the default solution. There is a solution but your siblings are in denial. Often in caregiving, the only solution is a "least bad" option, like placement into a facility. where they will have more socialization and attention.
For his WELFARE, your husband may wind up deciding that deferring to the group is all he will be safely able to do.
Your husband will need to also defer guilt. “Guilt” can’t do any job that he or his parents or his siblings need to get done. In your (his) SPECIFIC situation, you may be able to provide a “stipend” to the more active caregiving siblings, but ONLY if you can do so without impacting negatively on YOUR OWN household finances.
You and your husband need to address the inevitable tragedy that you will not be continuing the same relationship that you were trying to preserve. The loss of a parent is always a disruption in the fabric of family life, and if it is preceded by tension/animosity, it remains as long as any of those involved give it fuel.
Your safest (not happiest) course of action is to give no fuel to the fire, while moving forward and keeping YOURSELVES emotionally safe.
You know that no sibling should consciously hurt another, but does it happen? You’re living it.
I lived it too. Take good care of yourselves, and watch cautiously how things continue at the parents’ home. Watch for the group dynamics change (or don’t).
Are THEY going to be at this family meeting?
Does anyone know their wishes for their own life, or is it that they expect the children they have to act as their slaves for the duration?
For me a family meeting of 5 siblings is somewhat like an attempt to herd cats. I would be skipping that part and moving directly to MY ROLE. The role I am willing to play.
Let me tell you, were I sibling #6 here I would tell everyone this by letter:
"Mom and Dad need now to enter care. The POA needs to assist them in doing their assets evaluation, and in finding the best placement for them. I cannot further participate in care because (whatever...live too far away, too busy in family and job, whatEVER). I can't make decisions for you but I have made my own. Love you all."
End of note. Signature.That would be the end of my sentence.
I think what is needed here is that whomever is POA (and I surely would think THAT has been done in all of this?) sits now with Mom and Dad and tells them that it isn't realistic now for the children to disrupt their lives/and to continue to enable them in denying changes they must make.
The POA (s?) need to tell (TELL) M&D that in the next six months there needs to be exploration of their assets, of their choices be that Board and Care, ALF, or whatever.
I will tell you the truth. Your husband will kill himself trying to bring parents and siblings into agreement.
I am with him but I would not attempt leadership (GOD FORBID!!!!) and I would not call a meeting. I would skip that part and move directly to "For my own health I am out of this. I leave it to the rest of you to argue this. Let me know when you come to a conclusion. I will let you know what I can do, what I am willing to do."
Will he lose siblings? Maybe. But I doubt whomever wants to scrabble will be much of a loss here.
If the default "leader" of the siblings refuses to discuss any different care options, I suggest your husband and his agreeing siblings stage a care coup d'etat and topple the regime of the current default sibling "leader". Otherwise your husband and his agreeing siblings will have no choice but to defect from the family. His health, family, and livelihood has to come first.
How the care is being managed now is not a long-term possibility. This will fail. It already is because it's a short-term solution.
What you can do is try to convince the other siblings of exactly what I'm telling you here.
This caregiving situation as it is cannot continue indefinitely. I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. I have seen many good families wrecked and scattered to the winds because they tried to maintain a care arrangement that was impossible to sustain in the long-term. The end result was everyone turned on each other and stopped speaking and the elderly LO's ended up in facility care anyway.
You know something like 40% or 50% of caregivers die before the people they're caring for. One person can only do so much. Your husband is right too say enough is enough. You have to say it too.
There are care options for your in-laws. The thing is they're not free. The parents will have to pay for them. The siblings will have to accept that. Mom qualifying for nursing care really isn't going to make all that much difference if they're living as small-town rural as you say they are.
One option here would be to bring in a live-in caregiver. Or two live-ins who split the week and privately pay. Use a caregiver website like care.com or others.
Another option is the parents get moved to an assisted living facility that also has a residential nursing home so they can still be together but mom will get the skilled care she needs.
One of the siblings can quit their job and move in with mom and dad. The parents then become their new job. They get paid by mom and dad's income and they inherit the entirety of their estate when they pass, or at least the lion's share of it. The other siblings provide coverage for their respite time off.
Your husband continuing to keep this care arrangement going is not an option.
If his parents or siblings have a problem with it, that's on them not him and you.
Call that meeting. In fact demand it.
Who is the actual decision-maker here?
If the parents haven't recognized that this can't go on, they're in deep denial.
Why can't your husband speak with his parents separately from his sibs? He could point out that what was only a short-term solution in the beginning has become long-term and unsustainable. In this wonderful close family, isn't it okay to talk with each other? Or can people only communicate through Leader Sib? Who guilts everyone, apparently. Why would your husband even want to maintain ties with siblings who refuse to respect him, his opinions, his work responsibilities and his own needs?
I don't for one minute believe that there are no caregivers available. There's always someone who sits with elderly people, or has an aunt who could use a bit of extra income and helps around the house, or a nurse who enjoys working with elderly, or something. This narrative suits someone's purposes. Very interesting.
Your husband needs to maintain his health for your sake, and I hope he'll man up and say he's out. I wish you (and him) lots of luck.
You are the only male -- you have five sisters. Two of them are local to MIL and FIL. They are the ones making all the demands, correct?
All the siblings are not caregiving the same amount. In October, you stated that some sibs are looking into ALs. So this tells me that your H is not the only one who is unhappy with the current situation.
Did your H follow any of the suggestion that the forum gave back in October? Do you think he will do so now?
Your husband needs to tell his mom she doesn't get to dictate his life to him.
Is he getting the support of a therapist? He needs to do that.
You have no power here.
Thank you for your updates, but given them I suggest that your hubby preserve his own mental and physical health and step away from this mess. Get on with your lives. They are the only ones you will get.
"You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time”
This cracked me up "You're just too busy. You need to back off some things in your life". Your MIL is something. This would have p***ed me off. I will bet if DH says "I own a business that takes up my whole time that I support my family with. My #1 responsibility is to them. Your care is taking 5 children to maintain. You and Dad need to be in an AL where there are aides 24/7. Your children have lives and jobs that you are jeopardizing. Not to mention the stress ur putting on us. You are being selfish. I am tired of being made to feel I don't do enough." And that leader...they can give up their life and care for Mom and Dad full-time.
I have a SIL I love but she gets these ideas about what "we" should do and then doesn't follow thru. I caught onto this early on so never get dragged in. When Dad died Mom lost a lot of their income. But, she was the one who handled the money. SIL felt we should all pitch in so much a month. I said lets just see how Mom does. Mom did great. I know if we had agreed to giving money, Mom would never have seen it from SIL. If she started, she would not have continued. Never did know what my brother thought.
P.S. I have a DH who is kind and generous. His Mom told mevwhen we were first married to always say please when you ask him to do something. Never tell him he "is" going to do something. And was she right. He will not do if its demanded of him.
That being said - it sounds like he is pretty passionate about this- and I don't blame him a bit. Sometimes you just get to the point where you have to draw that line in the sand and say enough.
I think he owes it to himself to give it a shot to get his siblings corralled and talking about it, at least a quorum. Have the numbers in front of him. Go into it with the emotional side removed as much as possible. Go in with just the facts. Present them with the sheer number of hours that the family has spent caregiving for the parents. Outline the risks of removing even one healthy sibling from the mix. What happens then? Show them how much this is costing in work or business loss. Whatever he needs to show them the full range of the issue. And even potentially talk about where mom and dad started vs where they are now. There should be 14 months of data - did they start out able to handle most ADLs and now they are down to 25 % or something like that - and using that trend extrapolate that they will continue to trend down etc. Most places prefer that residents come to them ahead of the curve rather than emergent and the family in panic mode. In other words they should consider these things sooner rather than later.
If the POA is the one insisting that the parents stay home - then if they are not open to the conversation - it might be that the ultimatum is the only option and that your DH is just the first sibling to jump ship so to speak. If enough of the siblings follow suit, the POA will be forced to hire help to fill in the gaps, and then eventually will likely see the need to assess other options.
Unfortunately, I hate to say this, it is the position that our parents put us in sometimes by not having any plan for the time when their care becomes too much for home. And when there are multiple siblings it becomes a competition (and everyone becomes a child again sometimes trying to win mommy and daddy's love) when what everyone SHOULD be focused on is what is best for their parents and the rest of the family and not just about keeping them in their home. I would also posit the question - WHY is the POA so insistent no keeping them home? Is this the family home that the POA wants to preserve? Or is it that they want to honor a promise to not remove the parents from the home? Is there some underlying reason why the POA is not budging on this?
Maybe if husband takes a stand and stopsi all help others will follow.
I think the sister who has POA will be a martyr to the end regarding moms care. That is her choice to make.
I don't see this family as close knit simply because there is no communication among the parents and adult children. Dysfunctionally tight and dictorally emeshed where mom rules the roost and older sister enforces what mom wants.
So my question is how is it possible to continue this arrangement and for how long?
Surely unless they are all independently wealthy some have to work?
However you look at that this is not sustainable and feasible.
Your husband has a right to say no, his own health should be more important.
It is hard enough to get 2 people to agree on something, let alone multiple people to come to an agreement.
So, forget about it and let the chips fall where they may.
You do not have any control over others. You only have control over your own life, and sometimes not even then. Surprises happen in everyone’s life. There are no exceptions. Plus, no one can predict the future.
I am not trying to be negative or unsympathetic. I am viewing this from a realistic perspective.
Wishing you peace as you try to sort through your options regarding this matter.
So true. I am letting that line sink deeply in.
Everyone was friendly and tried hard to be pleasant and cooperative and respectful of one another, but the bottom line was that half the group was not of the farmer's mindset that "you don't sell land." One "city" cousin took the fall, so to speak, by forcing the sale. Out of the group, one farmer cousin never spoke to him again, but they weren't close anyway. Eventually everyone else fell in line, and the ranch was sold.
My point is your husband is the one who has to "force the sale," so to speak. He needs to state what he can reasonably do (as little hands-on assistance as possible), and I'll bet you'll see the other siblings fall one by one, too, until the locals find themselves unable to sustain the lifestyle to which Mom has become accustomed.
The important thing he needs to tell himself is that his participation in the collective martyrdom (or not) will not contribute to nor delay his parents' declines. That will happen regardless of what anyone does or how much they do or don't help.
I, too, vote for writing the letter to the siblings and sending it out. If THEY want to discuss it, let them initiate a group meeting. Your husband's position will have been clearly stated already.
- Yes
"Have other ideas to ease the situation? I can't imagine it's going to end well".
- Ended very well actually. It forced CHANGE.
"So, he's basically trapped".
- No, not at all. It appears that way BUT he does have power here. Plenty of power.
"The family has always been very tight..."
- Tight..close.. but what COMMUNICATION?
".. and my husband is a "pleaser."
- That's about to change 😁
That's the very best bit!
Your DH is going to stand up for himself with his family. It can take practice.. but this is the way forward. Where adults communicate, respect each other. Respect when others say."No".
What are their actual reasons?
Sometimes fear shuts down conversations.
If anyone made that (umm.. foolish) promise of no NH ever.. that person may need to look at that. Or does it make them feel bad.. not the perfect son/daughter? This also is their own issue.
Or maybe to protect Mom? Avoid her getting displeased? (I see that in my DH's family & yet she is a totally reasonable person & can handle the truth).
So in his shoes, I would quit trying. "Nope, I can't do this any longer. You'll have to make other arrangements ".
Is this all an attempt by some siblings to save their inheritance?
There is a story about a classroom of kids, high schoolers. Their teacher walks in the room with fish in a bowl of water. He sits it on his desk at the front of the classroom. He says "No matter what happens, you are not allowed to speak. You are not allowed to get out of your seats until I get back to the room. If you do, you will fail this class. No exceptions!"
And with that he scooped the fish out of the bowl and put it on his desk and walked out of the room.
The kids were all completely freaked out, the fish of course was going to die out of the water. They were all looking at each other. No one wanted to move - they didn't want to fail the class. No one spoke. No one got out of their desk. No one moved except to look at the fish and back at each other in horror.
FINALLY after what seemed like forever but could have only been seconds, one girl got up and ran up to the desk and scooped the fish up and put it back in the water. EVERYONE else in the room breathed a sigh of relief. Because they ALL wanted to do it, but no one had the courage to go first.
Perhaps you have that scenario with the rest of the siblings. Perhaps they all want to do this except the POA, but no one wants to be the first to speak up? Maybe not, but you never know. There are 6 siblings. Chances are at least one other sibling agrees. Chances are even better that at least half of them are in agreement. Because you mention that some have done far less than others - they are already establishing their boundaries. You mention that three refuse to discuss it including the POA. Are the other two in agreement with the POA? Or because they just want to go along to get along?
Everyone has other commitments.
I can't help but come back to WHY is the POA so invested in keeping the parents home? This is only going to get harder as time goes by. Without having a lot information - it seems to me that there is some ulterior motive for the POA insisting that they can ONLY stay in the home. Is there some inheritance? Did she make some promise to them to keep them in the home? What is pushing her to make sure they stay?
Back to the "fish story". What happened to the kids? What happened to the fish? The fish was of course fine because the girl stepped up and saved it. (the parents in this story) The teacher was of course watching them because it was a "social experiment" lesson for the class but she was REWARDED for her actions not punished. The other kids were grateful that she stepped up first and they didn't have to be the ones to make the first move because they wanted to but were too scared to do it. (the siblings) Because they KNEW they should, but they were scared of the consequences/repercussions if they did. But the girl that stepped out knew that she couldn't sit by any longer and let what was happening continue because nothing good was going to come of it.
It is scary sometimes to be the voice of reason crying out. But someone has to do it when everyone else is sitting on their hands and something needs to be done. Perhaps if your husband says we either look at alternatives or I have to stop doing this....the entire process hinges on EVERYONE participating....
Your MIL sounds like my grandmother. Everyone was terrified of displeasing this frail old lady like she held the power of life and death. Please tell me why her adult children cannot say no to her. What exactly can she do to them?
Your husband needs to tell his siblings that he can no longer keep up the pace. He needs to man up and tell his mother that he is not going to give up the other responsibilities in his life because she refuses to make changes to hers.
I understand the whole people pleaser type. I hate to disappoint others. But sometimes you just have to for your own well being. And the world does not stop when this happens. If he has been mowing her lawn he needs to stop and tell her to hire out. He will help her find someone but she is paying for it. If MIL can't afford it, then she shouldn't remain in her home. That is how it is. Remember your parents didn't give in to your every whim as a child so why are you giving in to their every whim now?
A family of adults is NOT a work team, and it has NO BOSS.
An elderly parent is NOT a retired business founder and is NOT a controlling shareholder.
ANYONE can quit.
The ‘LEADER’ probably lives closer, has fewer obligations, and sees themselves as the favored individual/ 'shining star'. “All they want” is for everyone else to “pull their weight’ so that they can keep their own happy self-image. For them, there is no Plan B.
Arguing with 'the leader' is a lost cause and a waste of time, unless everyone else in the mix agrees to 'sack' them.
DH is NOT under any obligation to anyone else – except his own wife and children.
Here's that in action - true story.
A self-appointed 'Boss' popped up in a family after an elder (E) had surgury. E didn't want in-patient rehab, thought could manage at home, so went home. B volunteered to provide any help. OK good.
The help level turned out to be more than anticipated. Not so good.
So B calls all family. "I'M doing everything! YOU all must help too! It's only fair! So I'm setting up a roster. You can do... blah blah"
No.
What's reasonable?
To ASK for help.
What's NOT reasonable?
DEMANDING.
Assigning tasks to people.
Rostering other people's time.
This was explained to the 'Boss'.
B, you volunteered. B, you said yes... but you can also say no. E can look at other options.
But the 'Boss' would not even contemplate saying no. Abhorred the very idea.
When pushed WHY..
"Because I wanted to be the BEST helper! Wanted to be the most helpful.." A Ha.
That try hard *Shining Star* quickly grasped the reason behind their behaviour: Attention. Recognition. Reputation. Self-image. (Credit to them). Whether that insight becomes education to build on for next time, only time will tell.
Your husband has to do what is healthy for him. Your husband backing out won’t change the dynamic that the other siblings have already started .
No one should feel like they have to do more than they are able to do. I did 90% of the caregiving for my parents . Asked for very little help from one nearby sibling .
I asked for no help from 3 far away siblings . One did offer and did help alittle towards the end . Two that did nothing act like I don’t exist .
Had I refused to take care of my parents, I don’t think would have made any difference in the siblings relationship .
The fact that I was the one that was expected to take care of my parents was placed on me by my mother .
The expectations put on the adult children by the elderly parents is what breaks the family apart as each child figures out how to deal with it.
I blame mom for not making any plans. Money wasn't really a major issue. I think my mom was irresponsible and immature. She wasn't a particularly warm and fuzzy mom, so as adults, we weren't eager to parent her when she needed help; one lived 250 miles away, and the two that lived close worked full time.
I don't have children, but boy, I'd never expect my kids to do for me what I and my sibs were forced to do. Eventually, mom did go into AL, but the sibs rarely speak to each other anymore.
Get me a walker! Send someone to fix my lunch! Drive 250 miles to change the toilet paper roll! (Just practicing in case I need to know how to create generations of groveling helpers someday.)
love it Fawnby
"I hate to say this, it is the position that our parents put us in sometimes by not having any plan for the time when their care becomes too much for home."
And we make our parents aware that we will not going to be the ones caring for them early on. You make no plans, don't expect me to be it.
My parents made no plans because they had no money to make plans. They raised 4 kids on a blue colored workers salary. Mom never held down a job. When she finally got the last child out of the house, my Dad had to take disability for his heart. She became his caregiver. He passed at 79. I did take her into my home only because she could not live alone. I put the house up for sale and hoped the proceeds and life insurance from my Dad would get Mom 2 yrs in AL and then Medicaid. In 20 months it did not happen and I found a caregiver I am not. I was looking for respite care for Mom when I found the local AL was having a half price sale on room and board meaning Mom could afford it for at least a year so I placed her hoping the house would sell. Best decision I made.
"THE PEOPLE NEEDING THE ASSISTANCE, NEED TO BE THE ONES TO COMPROMISE" Love that! This is what needs to be drummed into some peoples heads. My MIL did not feel this way. She wanted us to pick up and move 900miles to Fla. I said no, I have responsibilities here one being my Mom, in her 80s. MIL said bring her with you, I said no I was not moving Mom away from friends, family and her Church. MILs response, "we all have to compromise" I felt like saying "yes E everyone but you" My DHs look on this, she chose to move 900 miles from us at the age of 68.
When I read your posts and I am so glad that I had a wonderful mother in law.
My mother in law had a witch for her mother in law, plus her mother was extremely mean. She was doubly cursed!
My mother in law promised me that she would never treat me the same way that she was treated. She kept her word. She loved me and I loved her.
I am glad that your mother was nice and not at all like your mother in law.
You need to call a paid care-giver to take my place. He gives a little yet backs off a little.