My husband has 5 siblings. They've always been quite close. Both parents are on walkers, can't drive and are unable to manage DLAs on their own. The siblings have been rotating turns personally caring for the parents for 14+ months now. Some drive 4-6 hours to get there. Some have spent as much as 7 weeks over a 12 month period staying there. Others have done far less. NONE of the siblings are retired. There is zero hired caregiver support--they live in a low population area where in-home caregivers are next to impossible to find (at least that's the running story). (Mom would qualify for in-home nursing care. Dad would be assisted living.) Three siblings, including the default "leader," refuse to discuss other care-giving options. There has not been a single sibling meeting, group discussion, zoom or anything about a care plan since it all started. It's just: here's what they local sibling expects. Show up.
Anyway--my husband runs a business. His stress level, going to care for them so much, is through the roof. He has tried to take over leadership. He has tried to set up meetings. Several siblings always back out making consensus-building impossible. They refuse to discuss the future. So, he's basically trapped. The family has always been very tight and my husband is a "pleaser." It's killing him to be in disagreement with his siblings. He feels they only care about cow-towing to Mom and are ignoring sibling relationships, needs and health. But he's unable to participate in this arrangement any longer.
He's so miserable and stressed he's planning to give an ultimatum: Have a sibling planning meeting to discuss future options or he'll stop providing parental care altogether. (To-date he's just told them he can't come as often. But he keeps getting sucked back into saying yes due to guilt and worry of ruining his sibling ties.)
Has anyone been in this situation? Tried an ultimatum? Have other ideas to ease the situation? I can't imagine it's going to end well. Thanks in advance.
You are the only male -- you have five sisters. Two of them are local to MIL and FIL. They are the ones making all the demands, correct?
All the siblings are not caregiving the same amount. In October, you stated that some sibs are looking into ALs. So this tells me that your H is not the only one who is unhappy with the current situation.
Did your H follow any of the suggestion that the forum gave back in October? Do you think he will do so now?
If the parents haven't recognized that this can't go on, they're in deep denial.
Why can't your husband speak with his parents separately from his sibs? He could point out that what was only a short-term solution in the beginning has become long-term and unsustainable. In this wonderful close family, isn't it okay to talk with each other? Or can people only communicate through Leader Sib? Who guilts everyone, apparently. Why would your husband even want to maintain ties with siblings who refuse to respect him, his opinions, his work responsibilities and his own needs?
I don't for one minute believe that there are no caregivers available. There's always someone who sits with elderly people, or has an aunt who could use a bit of extra income and helps around the house, or a nurse who enjoys working with elderly, or something. This narrative suits someone's purposes. Very interesting.
Your husband needs to maintain his health for your sake, and I hope he'll man up and say he's out. I wish you (and him) lots of luck.
Who is the actual decision-maker here?
If the default "leader" of the siblings refuses to discuss any different care options, I suggest your husband and his agreeing siblings stage a care coup d'etat and topple the regime of the current default sibling "leader". Otherwise your husband and his agreeing siblings will have no choice but to defect from the family. His health, family, and livelihood has to come first.
How the care is being managed now is not a long-term possibility. This will fail. It already is because it's a short-term solution.
What you can do is try to convince the other siblings of exactly what I'm telling you here.
This caregiving situation as it is cannot continue indefinitely. I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years. I have seen many good families wrecked and scattered to the winds because they tried to maintain a care arrangement that was impossible to sustain in the long-term. The end result was everyone turned on each other and stopped speaking and the elderly LO's ended up in facility care anyway.
You know something like 40% or 50% of caregivers die before the people they're caring for. One person can only do so much. Your husband is right too say enough is enough. You have to say it too.
There are care options for your in-laws. The thing is they're not free. The parents will have to pay for them. The siblings will have to accept that. Mom qualifying for nursing care really isn't going to make all that much difference if they're living as small-town rural as you say they are.
One option here would be to bring in a live-in caregiver. Or two live-ins who split the week and privately pay. Use a caregiver website like care.com or others.
Another option is the parents get moved to an assisted living facility that also has a residential nursing home so they can still be together but mom will get the skilled care she needs.
One of the siblings can quit their job and move in with mom and dad. The parents then become their new job. They get paid by mom and dad's income and they inherit the entirety of their estate when they pass, or at least the lion's share of it. The other siblings provide coverage for their respite time off.
Your husband continuing to keep this care arrangement going is not an option.
If his parents or siblings have a problem with it, that's on them not him and you.
Call that meeting. In fact demand it.
Are THEY going to be at this family meeting?
Does anyone know their wishes for their own life, or is it that they expect the children they have to act as their slaves for the duration?
For me a family meeting of 5 siblings is somewhat like an attempt to herd cats. I would be skipping that part and moving directly to MY ROLE. The role I am willing to play.
Let me tell you, were I sibling #6 here I would tell everyone this by letter:
"Mom and Dad need now to enter care. The POA needs to assist them in doing their assets evaluation, and in finding the best placement for them. I cannot further participate in care because (whatever...live too far away, too busy in family and job, whatEVER). I can't make decisions for you but I have made my own. Love you all."
End of note. Signature.That would be the end of my sentence.
I think what is needed here is that whomever is POA (and I surely would think THAT has been done in all of this?) sits now with Mom and Dad and tells them that it isn't realistic now for the children to disrupt their lives/and to continue to enable them in denying changes they must make.
The POA (s?) need to tell (TELL) M&D that in the next six months there needs to be exploration of their assets, of their choices be that Board and Care, ALF, or whatever.
I will tell you the truth. Your husband will kill himself trying to bring parents and siblings into agreement.
I am with him but I would not attempt leadership (GOD FORBID!!!!) and I would not call a meeting. I would skip that part and move directly to "For my own health I am out of this. I leave it to the rest of you to argue this. Let me know when you come to a conclusion. I will let you know what I can do, what I am willing to do."
Will he lose siblings? Maybe. But I doubt whomever wants to scrabble will be much of a loss here.
For his WELFARE, your husband may wind up deciding that deferring to the group is all he will be safely able to do.
Your husband will need to also defer guilt. “Guilt” can’t do any job that he or his parents or his siblings need to get done. In your (his) SPECIFIC situation, you may be able to provide a “stipend” to the more active caregiving siblings, but ONLY if you can do so without impacting negatively on YOUR OWN household finances.
You and your husband need to address the inevitable tragedy that you will not be continuing the same relationship that you were trying to preserve. The loss of a parent is always a disruption in the fabric of family life, and if it is preceded by tension/animosity, it remains as long as any of those involved give it fuel.
Your safest (not happiest) course of action is to give no fuel to the fire, while moving forward and keeping YOURSELVES emotionally safe.
You know that no sibling should consciously hurt another, but does it happen? You’re living it.
I lived it too. Take good care of yourselves, and watch cautiously how things continue at the parents’ home. Watch for the group dynamics change (or don’t).
He doesn't need to give an ultimatum. If I were in his shoes I would send out an email to all siblings (simultaneously) stating that due to the current and increasing needs of 2 declining parents into the unforeseeable future, he and spouse are no longer willing/able to participate in the hands-on care. It should be a "facts only" letter so, no whining, accusations, pity party, etc. If you give reasons then they will attack or negotiate.
I'd then say what (if anything) I'd be willing to do (like contribute a nominal amount of money each month), or provide caregiving relief for 2 weeks out of the year, etc. Inforrm them when this change in care participation goes into effect. Then be ready for the blow-back but don't give in. Let the remaining martyrs find out for themselves the unsustainability of their plan.
No one can be assumed into caregiving. You are under no moral obligation to provide anything if your parents didn't create a reasonable plan for themselves. Adult children should not be the default solution. There is a solution but your siblings are in denial. Often in caregiving, the only solution is a "least bad" option, like placement into a facility. where they will have more socialization and attention.
Are any in agreement with your husband that this method of caregiving is unsustainable? If so it is time to buck up and put on a united front with the ones that want to continue this.
You do not give any info on what is going on with his parents. BUT
If both are cognizant it is time to talk to the parents and tell them that this can not continue.
It is also time to tell the "leader" that this can not continue.
If you or he has a bit of time to search resources that will help with caregiving that might be a start.
If MIL or FIL are Veterans the VA might be of help.
Contact the local Senior Center, they probably have a Social Worker. Find out what resources they have that might get some help into the home.
Area Agency on Aging may also have suggestions.
IF there is resistance from anyone for getting help into the home then he has to pull up his big boy pants and tell the siblings that he can no longer continue the rotation. They will either have to take up the slack or they will realize he is the only sane one in the family and will begin to look for AL and it is very possible that with both of them in AL they will get the help they need 24/7.