My husband and I are homebodies. He pointed out to me recently how much we would have LOVED quarantine alone. Watching movies, playing on the computer, going for walks, just relaxing in peace at home. Frankly, we were living the quarantine life before the pandemic hit. But now that my father lives with us I feel like he's on a permanent vacation and my husband and I are his staff. I have to constantly make sure he's constantly busy doing something otherwise he's nodding off on the couch midday, chewing the crap out of his fingers (which I had to bandage one last night) or sitting there just staring at the wall. He will not show initiative and do something on his own. I put a movie on for him and I can't get him to tell me if he finds it boring. I have to watch for the above mentioned signs to know even though I remind him over and over to let me know if he wants something different. I get him to sit and read and he starts off quiet but then he starts reading louder and louder and louder. If I'm watching tv or a youtube video and turn up the sound HE gets annoyed with ME and puts his hand over his ear facing me to make it clear that I'm disturbing him. Our life revolves around him and his needs like 24/7. Before quarantine at least we'd get 2-4 hours a day that my dad went to meetings with friends. On Saturdays he'd go out to the diner with his bestfriend for lunch. Now he's with us 24/7 and is ALWAYS around us. He calls me mom even though he knows I'm not his mom so idk what that's about and all day it's mom, mom, mom. My husband and I don't have children so the irony I'm now being called "mom" by my 83 yr old father seems especially cruel. Tomorrow I'm going to set him up with a book to read in the morning, we'll take a midday walk and then I'm going to set him up with movies in his room with his cat so my husband and I can get some much needed quality time together. I'm just so tired.
Bback in the 1960s, my grandma would say "I'm so lonely" My mom would get annoyed and ask if she were chopped liver.
Ggrandma craved the community of her peers. Perhaps you dad seeks the same.
I could not fix her and she was on the decline. I told her that if she was bedridden or ALZ I could not take care of her.
I had my own schedule. I worked part time. I had a small social life with friends and I gardened. I took her on drives and ate dinner with her.
She had three visits to the hospital and rehab. I had a good relationship with her Primary Care Dr. She had a DNR order in place, I had hospice and pallitive care phone number on speed dial. I checked out AL and nursing homes.
In other words,I managed the situation and hired help. When I need a vacation, I hired someone to stay with her which was expensive but I needed it.
The end of this story is that she had the best care and I learned the importance of
taking care of myself. It was not easy but it worked. Her money lasted and she did not end up spending her life savings to receive poor care in a nursing home or expensive AL. There were some programs but the paperwork would kill you.
Bottom line make the call to get more home health care with an eye on long term care which he might need.
I did my best and took care of important details but I hired help.
I used her money to finance this. When I looked into AL and nursing homes, they were too expensive and the care was iffy.
I did lose my freedom but now that she passed away, I know that she received the best care and my life has opened up again.
How did it come to be that Dad is living with you? Who thought that this was a good idea?
Why do you have to gauge whether he is bored or enjoying himself? He can obviously tell you how he is feeling or what he wants, make him and stop trying to run his every moment. It's okay if he is just sitting and staring, daydreaming is a beneficial activity, regardless of what our teachers told us.
He is calling you mom to prove a point. If you treat him like a child he will act like one.
I know that your heart is in the right place, but back off and see how much better you feel.
No one can know another person's situation but I do know I have limits as does my husband. I do not want or recommend "giving up" your life for a parent because there are always options. Had I not tried to care for my Mother I would feel guilty but I knew I could not continue physically or mentally on a long term basis. I did try many of the things mentioned to keep my Mother's anxiety at bay and stave off her complaints of boredom. I did not want to have to drug her to keep myself sane.
I can tell how compassionate and dedicated you are to your Father. I know how hard it is to become the Mom. Consider ALF as even with COVID-19 many are still doing small group activities.
Figure out what you really are willing to do and act accordingly.
Just so you know it wasn't a piece of cake, in the last 6 years she was hard of hearing, blind, couldn't pass urine or feces, couldn't walk or stand, or feed herself, but she had a great sense of humor. I miss her every single day.
We got along wonderfully. She was worried about being a "burden", but I felt having her at home was easier as I didn't have to travel to sit with her in a nursing home.
We were 3 generations, my Mom, my daughter and I. We also had a home health aide a few hours several days a week.
I wouldn't trade those years for anything! Wish I had more!
I know calling me mom is not meant to be cruel. Nor is he trying to send any kind of message. His doctor believes it's because I've had to take on the caretaker role and it's easier for him to associate me as his mom in those moments than as his daughter. The fact that I never had kids and have someone calling me mom who is NOT me kid is the cruel irony I was referring to.
I understand Alzheimer's but I get frustrated. I'm not mad at him per say. I'm mad at the illness.
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