My husband and I are homebodies. He pointed out to me recently how much we would have LOVED quarantine alone. Watching movies, playing on the computer, going for walks, just relaxing in peace at home. Frankly, we were living the quarantine life before the pandemic hit. But now that my father lives with us I feel like he's on a permanent vacation and my husband and I are his staff. I have to constantly make sure he's constantly busy doing something otherwise he's nodding off on the couch midday, chewing the crap out of his fingers (which I had to bandage one last night) or sitting there just staring at the wall. He will not show initiative and do something on his own. I put a movie on for him and I can't get him to tell me if he finds it boring. I have to watch for the above mentioned signs to know even though I remind him over and over to let me know if he wants something different. I get him to sit and read and he starts off quiet but then he starts reading louder and louder and louder. If I'm watching tv or a youtube video and turn up the sound HE gets annoyed with ME and puts his hand over his ear facing me to make it clear that I'm disturbing him. Our life revolves around him and his needs like 24/7. Before quarantine at least we'd get 2-4 hours a day that my dad went to meetings with friends. On Saturdays he'd go out to the diner with his bestfriend for lunch. Now he's with us 24/7 and is ALWAYS around us. He calls me mom even though he knows I'm not his mom so idk what that's about and all day it's mom, mom, mom. My husband and I don't have children so the irony I'm now being called "mom" by my 83 yr old father seems especially cruel. Tomorrow I'm going to set him up with a book to read in the morning, we'll take a midday walk and then I'm going to set him up with movies in his room with his cat so my husband and I can get some much needed quality time together. I'm just so tired.
How did it come to be that Dad is living with you? Who thought that this was a good idea?
Why do you have to gauge whether he is bored or enjoying himself? He can obviously tell you how he is feeling or what he wants, make him and stop trying to run his every moment. It's okay if he is just sitting and staring, daydreaming is a beneficial activity, regardless of what our teachers told us.
He is calling you mom to prove a point. If you treat him like a child he will act like one.
I know that your heart is in the right place, but back off and see how much better you feel.
I know calling me mom is not meant to be cruel. Nor is he trying to send any kind of message. His doctor believes it's because I've had to take on the caretaker role and it's easier for him to associate me as his mom in those moments than as his daughter. The fact that I never had kids and have someone calling me mom who is NOT me kid is the cruel irony I was referring to.
I understand Alzheimer's but I get frustrated. I'm not mad at him per say. I'm mad at the illness.
Bback in the 1960s, my grandma would say "I'm so lonely" My mom would get annoyed and ask if she were chopped liver.
Ggrandma craved the community of her peers. Perhaps you dad seeks the same.
He is seeing you as his mom. The additional information that you provided explains so much more.
Saying that he goes out and hangs with his friends said to me that his dementia was not as far advanced as it appears to be.
My dad has been diagnosed and I was told that he needed to be in a locked memory care facility. That was 3 years ago and he has been living on his own, taking good care of himself and his business, plus his 3 dogs. Dementia has many layers and many years of decline for some.
Again I am sorry that you thought from others responses that I was saying he was being cruel.
Now that things are opening up a bit, can you check into adult groups at the senior center? I believe that is called daycare for adults.
Best of luck finding the best care for dad.
With my Mom the first thing to go was her reasoning, short-term, processing. They have no empathy. Can no longer appreciate what is done for them.
His brain is dying little by little. There is no rhyme or reason to this desease. I would suggest going to a neurologist when you can. I would not put an person suffering from ALZ in the hands of a GP. A neurologist is more up on medications for Dad.
I hope his doctors prescribed a medication that will work for his OCD and anxiety. One thing you might consider buying is a toy called a Tangle. It is something that might occupy him so he won't chew his fingers. I bought mine on amazon. Just type Tangle Toy in the search bar.
Realize you can't change him or make him happy etc. Just try to ignore what you can and realize acceptance is a gift you can give yourself. And if there is something you know he can do for himself, then let him do it. It is exhausting, I know. That’s why a home in a facility might be better for all.
I could not fix her and she was on the decline. I told her that if she was bedridden or ALZ I could not take care of her.
I had my own schedule. I worked part time. I had a small social life with friends and I gardened. I took her on drives and ate dinner with her.
She had three visits to the hospital and rehab. I had a good relationship with her Primary Care Dr. She had a DNR order in place, I had hospice and pallitive care phone number on speed dial. I checked out AL and nursing homes.
In other words,I managed the situation and hired help. When I need a vacation, I hired someone to stay with her which was expensive but I needed it.
The end of this story is that she had the best care and I learned the importance of
taking care of myself. It was not easy but it worked. Her money lasted and she did not end up spending her life savings to receive poor care in a nursing home or expensive AL. There were some programs but the paperwork would kill you.
Bottom line make the call to get more home health care with an eye on long term care which he might need.
I did my best and took care of important details but I hired help.
I used her money to finance this. When I looked into AL and nursing homes, they were too expensive and the care was iffy.
I did lose my freedom but now that she passed away, I know that she received the best care and my life has opened up again.
One, do you have a device that your dad can FaceTime/video chat with his friends he used to go out with 2-4 hours a day and his best friend he had dinner with on Saturday? Let him still be with his friends for that time. I don't know where you live, but if he could sit outside, have his space, and be as loud as he wants talking with his friends he may engage. The familiarity and routine may help his anxiety/chewing.
Second, do you have any pets? If not, how would you feel about getting your dad one? Pets are amazing for the elderly to be around or have. If it's "his" he has some purpose, a distraction and something to focus his attention on. It may motivate him to take a walk with the pet.
Thirdly, I agree that perhaps you may want to look at a good AL near you if you have the means and after all this Covid. He seems like a social guy, and I'm always amazed when I see how many residents blossom being in a good community with relatively active other residents. A day program may be good as well, if you'd like him to be able to stay with you. Going twice a week could be good for him and you.
Best of luck
( she hasn’t in a very long time doesn’t have the strength) I won’t be long. So I left , it felt fantastic. When I got home she was sleeping, what she does 75% of the day.
No one can know another person's situation but I do know I have limits as does my husband. I do not want or recommend "giving up" your life for a parent because there are always options. Had I not tried to care for my Mother I would feel guilty but I knew I could not continue physically or mentally on a long term basis. I did try many of the things mentioned to keep my Mother's anxiety at bay and stave off her complaints of boredom. I did not want to have to drug her to keep myself sane.
I can tell how compassionate and dedicated you are to your Father. I know how hard it is to become the Mom. Consider ALF as even with COVID-19 many are still doing small group activities.
Figure out what you really are willing to do and act accordingly.
Your father wouldn't happen to be from the south would he? My family uses "mom" and "sis" with everyone. LOL I know it's aggravating, but when things loosen up a bit in your state, you and your father will get your lives back!
Take care.
Just so you know it wasn't a piece of cake, in the last 6 years she was hard of hearing, blind, couldn't pass urine or feces, couldn't walk or stand, or feed herself, but she had a great sense of humor. I miss her every single day.
We got along wonderfully. She was worried about being a "burden", but I felt having her at home was easier as I didn't have to travel to sit with her in a nursing home.
We were 3 generations, my Mom, my daughter and I. We also had a home health aide a few hours several days a week.
I wouldn't trade those years for anything! Wish I had more!
. Don't Pussyfoot around your dad too much. Be Kind but say things as they are or his behaviour will drive you mad.
. He is probably agitated so provide a Twiddle Mitt or something he can fiddle with. I make the mitts and they are so easy to do. Google them.
. Make a memory scrapbook with photos of him and family through his life and places he has been. He can then pick it up at any time to look through.
. If he likes music get some dvds of concerts or play CDs.
. If he wants to nap then let him.
. Try jigsaw puzzles to keep him occupied.
. Take him for a walk or drive somewhere.
. Give him relevant magazines to look through or puzzle books.
There are all things which I've done for my mum to keep her occupied and happy and they have worked. And don't forget to show him some love sometimes no matter how you feel as it's very scary getting old and losing a grasp on life. Take care. X