She is in Stage 4 of Alzheimer's. She still has much of her faculties, but her memory test scores have declined since her diagnosis 2 yrs ago from a 24/30 to 18/30. The Dr. says she can't live by herself anymore, which we had already said, so against her wishes, we moved her in with my husband & I in September. She is insisting she is going home & threatens to call a taxi to take her. She is in complete denial (not just with Alz's, but with anything about her health). We do not yet have POA, but do have a letter from the doctor about her cognitive decline. She became more insistent & agitated last night about going home. We have not been able to deflect or distract her, since she still has some mental faculties. What would be best to do? Do we take her home until we get POA? Wouldn't that be neglect? Should we consider a memory facility at this point? We don't know what to do. Any advice would be helpful. TIA.
So the fury and denial are signs of a person still battling to be "normal", but the doctor may be experienced enough to see that the possibility for her to live at home alone 24/7 is past.
Try distraction if she really gets moody. Also, you can put up a notice of a false taxi number for her to call, or warn any local taxi company to refuse to send any taxi to your address unless the booking is made from your mobile or your husband's mobile number.
My own Alzheimer's friend took a long time to accept that she no longer needed money for a taxi fare home in her wallet. (In fact her old home is literally around the corner from her current nursing home, but exit from this building is prohibited for residents in mental care.)
If not, let her have her delusions. I can tell you that neither my dad nor my husband would know how to call a taxi - so I would have just said, "go ahead."
Have you asked her, "why?" It is possible that just changing the way something is done might calm her down. I had to figure that out with my dad - let him do things his own way. I only stepped in when things didn't work out right.
Think of Mom as being a child, wanting to run away from home. Ask her what the problem is. How would Mom have handled it if you were still the child and wanted to run away from home. Sometimes simple solutions work best.
You should start this as a question of your own.
Short answer from me you should contact a lawyer.
It almost sounds like she needs a Guardian. Either a family member, that would be best or one appointed by the court.
But please to get better answers start another post.
[[curious [may have missed the part] about how her old home is still available - when she moved in with you, her house was not sold?]]
well, all i can think of to add is - to anyone who's mom is NOT living with you: consider not answering her phone calls after the time at which you've observed that she is 'off' ['sundowning', threatening to move, calling the police...] my guilt over not answering has lessened as she makes no mention of it when next i talk with her. if she calls anytime between 7am to 11am i pick up. ha! now those are getting weird too!
She went in almost 10 years ago when her own mom had to go in a nursing home. My father was alive then, and handled helping my cousin get into the group home, along with the help of her local chutch. But my father didn’t know my cousin needed a family member to look over her shoulder and be her conservitor & POA, so my cousin became her own.
We discovered that her gifts, monies and items that I and my family had been sending her were not being logged into my cousins log book. The Gov. run facility case mgr. ( said) he needed to call the police. He proceeded into another room. Had me come into his office to talk with ( he said an officer on the phone) . He claimed he was an off duty officer, that would volunteer- to take the case- since the town police force was understaffed. Said if he did not , volunteer- no telling when anyone would get to the case.
The case was swept under the rug.
I had receipts to back up missing items amounting to $1000 just for Xmas 3 months earlier...Plus years of thousands of dollars were missing, plus other big ticket gifts. The Case was closed without me being notified. I had called, emailed the police begging for their return call, and even protection form being scared concerning protection about the case, even in a neighboring state. Never got a return call from the police conserning helping me, or about the case being closed. I am visiting my cousin now. I am not staying with her of course, but the situation is tense now. My cousin will not tell on the caregivers- they threaten her- if she tells- she will continue to be reprimanded. This town is small, rural, everyone knows everyone.
This is her hometown. She wants to stay. There is No other group home that I know of . Now, they want to move my cousin into another home with only 3 of the same girls from her group home instead of all 7. One of the main staff is the one that steels from her and will be her main group home mom. There is a ring of 3 sister that have been working in the same house, as the staff members and stealing from my cousin. One of the sisters- was fired- due to finding drugs in the home of where my cousin lived. Plus, the or sister had so much drugs in her system they had to let her go.
I reported that the sisters were doing drugs in the house while on duty. I was told this by a current staff member that had only been there under a year. She trusted me and ratted. I never told how I knew of the drugs. The police who handed the investigation is who I told of the drug issue. The police never told.
The lady that told me- staff member- said she told them to hire a carpet cleaner. She said That the carpet cleaner found the drugs and reported it- but I am not suppose to know. Now the gov run office refuses to let me see anything- they say I am not her Conservator or POA. I have tried reaching out to get a pro bono Lawyer in Tenn for dissabeled, mentally retarded- no one will ever return my call. I am on a limited budget, my cousin on SS. In C. TN, they have the only law that says you can not have a state appointed conservator if you are under the age of 60. I have sent the major a letter, lobbied in Washington DC by the head of VOR on behalf of my cousin, sent letters to everyone thousands- I can’t get help to get Conservitorship. My cousin is being stolen from by her caregiver staff. They have a hireky over her clothes or closet, the mailbox, etc. When I send her new clothes-the sisters steal them.
The one new staff member I told you about that I trusted and worked in my cousins home, is now gone no longer in my cousins group home. The two sisters probably got her moved out of the home. They probably made up something on her to get her out. The other staff that I know and trust that has been working in my cousins house for years have been threatened by the sisters, that they better not tell on them, or her life is at steak. The older lady will not tell. She needs her job- she is scared. The sisters are young.
My cousins case mgr- that ( said) he called the police- I believe is related to the sisters- and could also be stealing from my cousin- as well as the other ladies in the house that is her own POA. My cousin does not understand money, she rarely gets any of her extra money to spend of her own. They take it. She can’t ask for it- they will reprimand her. She is scared and wants to stay in the town. What can I do?
As to the "going home" Often when someone says they want to go home they want to go back to a time and place when they felt safe and well surrounded by loved ones.
Reassure her that she is safe, that you love her and see if you can get her to sit down and chat with you for a while.
This is difficult because all the "I want to go home" may have been preceded by some sort of stress either for her or another member of the family.
As to placing her in Memory Care that is up to you and the rest of the family. This will NOT get easier. Are you and the rest of the family up to the task of keeping her at home no matter what. When she is in a wheelchair? when she can not stand any longer? when she is bed bound?
Placing her while she is mobile is easier and probably easier since many Memory Care facilities will take someone while they are mobile, they will keep them as they decline and need more help but may will not take someone that needs "equipment" like a Sit to Stand or a Hoyer. They will tell you that a Nursing Home would be the only placement. (I understand that in some areas only Nursing Homes ..and re-hab...can use equipment to transfer.)
So discuss this with your family, how much are they willing to do, to give up. Is your house such that it will be safe for her and you to keep her with you. Large bathrooms, no carpet since that makes walkers and wheel chairs difficult to move, no stairs to deal with, wide halls and doors so equipment can be moved from room to room.
Is her doctor one who regularly treats dementia patients? My LO's doctor wrote an order that she enter a Secure Memory Care, due to her significant dementia and wandering. But, I also had DPOA and HCPOA. Not sure how it works if you don't. It may be that court options are more appropriate. The attorney would be able to provide you with that info.
If it's available, I think it might be a good idea to get her admitted to a memory care facility for assessment. Also, check there isn't a u.t.i. if you haven't already done so, and speak to her or your doctor to see if they can make any practical suggestions.
You *could* think about taking her back to her house and staying with her for a very short while, if absolutely necessary. But you can't leave her there alone, and even if it does calm her it isn't going to be the solution for long.
Did she agree to move in with you? Was she clear at the time about the plan being long-term?
It took me a couple of weeks to finally nail down which home my own Mom was talking about. Once she mentioned a key word "cattle" then I knew it was her childhood home from 80 years ago as her parents ran a diary farm.
As for your Mom appointing, reading and signing legal documents, is there a point in the day when Mom appears to be in the here and now? If yes, then set an appointment with an Elder Law attorney for that time frame. If the Attorney feels your Mom just doesn't understand the legal document, he/she will not allow Mom to sign, so don't be surprised if that happens.
If your mother is in Stage 4 she is probably still competent to sign POAs and advance directives. Do you have a lawyer friend she trusts who will come by the house to get these things done? Our parents can be more cooperative with someone from outside the family than with their children. I doubt my mother would have ever worked with me on the POA, but she would work with her lawyer friend. (Alas, her POA choice made no sense, but I let that go.)
No easy answer for the go home stuff. Maybe her doc could prescribe a calming med.