My mother wants to move in. Any advice?

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My mother wants to move in. Any advice?

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I moved from across the country as a new widow to help my aging parents 9 years ago. I have no siblings or cousins, no aunts or uncles. Two years ago I moved next door to help with my father who had dementia. This past summer he moved to memory care, had a fall, and died at 95.

My 92-year-old mother now wants to move in with me to save money. She helps me with some bills, as I stopped working to be a caregiver.

I live in a 1,500 square foot condo and know that her routine and preferences would take priority over mine. I don’t want to sacrifice my home and life for her “saving money.”

I help with her numerous medications, shopping, take her to doctor appointments, take care of household repair and maintenance, manage her bills and finances. She currently uses a walker and can slowly complete ADLs on her own. She’s becoming forgetful but this isn’t dementia.

We have always had a combative relationship as our communication styles, world perspectives are wildly different. That’s being charitable.

Whatever reason I give for her not moving in, she has an reason that it would work. When I say that I prefer living alone, we would be on top of each other, I have my own lifestyle, she feels hurt that I don’t want her.

My mother doesn’t want to go to the senior center for socializing, or have an aide for companionship, or move to assisted living. Again she has a reason for refusing every suggestion.

I don’t know what else to tell her because no matter what I say, she becomes hurt and angry that I don’t want her. Which is the truth. My sacrifice of “helping for 9 years has been quite enough without total loss of the boundaries I currently have.

Care Decisions Family Caregiver Multi-generational Living Relationships

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There's a book called Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. My daughter liked this part.

"When saying NO, you are not responsible for the reaction you get."

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Ask your mother why she thinks she has to save money at 92?
DO NOT move her in. DO NOT live together.
People that have always enjoyed functional and loving relationships with their parents all their lives often find those relationships become seriously damaged and even destroyed completely because they moved in an elderly parent. If you had a combative relationship with her to begin with, moving her into your home (even if you wanted to which you don't) will ruin your life.
Any love or affection you might have for her will quickly be replaced with anger and resentment.
Please, for both of your sakes, do not move her into your home.

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Memory care probably dwindled her savings. Then DH died. This means she is getting less in SS a month. If my DH passed, I'd be out almost 1000 a month. If a pension is involved, Mom only gets a percentage.

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Next time your mother starts sulking about you not wanting her to move in, tell her this is exactly why you don't want to live with her. She would expect everything to be about her wants and needs 24/7 and your opinion would no longer matter. Point out that you have helped for over 9 years now and this is your hill to die on.

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PS I can't get over how FAB this platform is & the supportive comments + GREAT advice. Helps all of us so much.
This thread gave me strength today. Have to see my Mom on Tuesday. The post & comments remind me to protect myself. Armor on!

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Things will continue to change with your mother. Don’t discount the idea that dementia is setting in. You’re very correct in that you’ve already done plenty for both your parents and having mom move in is a bad idea. Refuse to discuss the topic any longer. Leave each and every time she raises it, only saying it’s been covered already. Endless looping conversations on it will only frustrate you both. If documents such as advance directives and POA for medical and healthcare, and her will aren’t already in place, now is the time to get that done. Don’t feel you have to justify living alone, you’re an adult who’s wise in knowing what is best for you. Mom will have an event or events that force new decisions one day, be prepared as you can for that, knowing that moving her in is not an option. I wish you peace

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All documents are in place… I completed all of these once my father’s dementia became more pronounced. I was a special education teacher, and so Be Prepared has been my motto. I even have copies in a folder to grab in case of emergency, with medication listing, Covid vaccinations, and all her insurance & ID cards.
Unfortunately, my mother will remain home until an accident or event. In my father’s case, it was sundowning that finally made my mother understand that he needed more care than we could give.
When my mother cannot adequately take care of herself, then she’ll need price care, either and aide or assisted living.
The issue now is twofold: coping with my mother’s hurt feelings and resulting anger& sulking; and dealing with her never ending reasoning for having her way. She was always able to wear down my father with these tactics. She does wear me out, but I will not meet her demands.

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NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't do it! These scenarios seldom have a happy ending. Stick to your guns and protect the boundaries you already have in place.

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I’m going to keep my home as my sanctuary— my answer remains No to my mother moving in. I hate our combative exchanges, and really that’s what I’m cringing about. Still, better that we live apart.

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Keep saying no, but follow with "I'm not going to talk about this with you anymore. If you ask again, I'm leaving/hanging up/blocking you for the rest of the day." The repercussion of her nagging will be your absence. But you have to DO it. If she brings it up again, walk out the door. Click off the phone and don't pick up her calls.

Hang tough. Book a vacation.

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Yes, go on vacation. Set her up with all the help she needs and GO! You deserve a break!

(5)

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I can honestly say to you, don't do it. I'm sorry for others who may disagree but with an already tumultuous relationship, it will only get worse. TRUST ME ON THIS.

I am in this situation as we speak and I can only tell you that I so wish I had NEVER AGREED to it. This was 8 years ago and she didn't have dementia then but she does now and this has been the worst couple of years of my life. WORST - it is damaging relationships, marriage, ALL of it and I am beyond and beside myself. You need to live your life and you should because you will never have a life again to live.

I'm sorry for the brutal honesty and I'm actually not even one to reply here but when I saw your subject line, I just had to.

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I appreciate your brutal honesty. We all struggle with trying to do the right thing for our loved ones and at the same time not forget that we need a life too. It is such a hard decision especially when your own Mom makes you feel bad and guilty. It can be heart crushing.

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Don’t let her move in. My opinion and many others here saying no are from first-hand experience. My life has changed a lot since living with my mother. I lost the freedom I had when I lived alone. I could go out whenever I wanted, see whoever I wanted, and come home after dark without hearing a lecture. My life has reverted to that of a teenager who needs to check in with my mother if I deviate from my regular schedule.

It is much harder to get rid of them once they move in. It’s almost impossible because no one is going to want to move from the comforts of home with their 24/7 child/slave taking care of their every need and demand, to a senior living facility where they will be much more easily ignored, abused, and neglected. They can also more easily abuse and manipulate their children than an outside caregiver.

I've never advocated that children should not take care of their parents, but there need to be boundaries in order for you to maintain your happiness and sanity. Your current setup is ideal. You are next door, but you can return to your own home for some peace and quiet. I would love to have that setup rather than share the same roof with my mother. You are doing more than enough and deserve to have your independence from her outside of your caregiving hours.

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My mother moved from my sister's home to mine about ten months ago. Her health and mobility were already deteriorating, but she could walk with a walker and get herself in and out of bed and to the bathroom. After a fall, Covid, and other health problems, she is in my home, bedridden, requiring almost total care, wanting my full attention, and having "panic attacks" if I leave the house, even though someone else is in the house with her. Please listen to the advice of the other posters. With financial resources, she has options. If she moves in with you, it is very possible that in a year you will be in a position similar to mine, trying to do more than a human being can do and losing any life of your own.

My mother wants to move in. Any advice?

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