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I moved from across the country as a new widow to help my aging parents 9 years ago. I have no siblings or cousins, no aunts or uncles. Two years ago I moved next door to help with my father who had dementia. This past summer he moved to memory care, had a fall, and died at 95.


My 92-year-old mother now wants to move in with me to save money. She helps me with some bills, as I stopped working to be a caregiver.


I live in a 1,500 square foot condo and know that her routine and preferences would take priority over mine. I don’t want to sacrifice my home and life for her “saving money.”


I help with her numerous medications, shopping, take her to doctor appointments, take care of household repair and maintenance, manage her bills and finances. She currently uses a walker and can slowly complete ADLs on her own. She’s becoming forgetful but this isn’t dementia.


We have always had a combative relationship as our communication styles, world perspectives are wildly different. That’s being charitable.


Whatever reason I give for her not moving in, she has an reason that it would work. When I say that I prefer living alone, we would be on top of each other, I have my own lifestyle, she feels hurt that I don’t want her.


My mother doesn’t want to go to the senior center for socializing, or have an aide for companionship, or move to assisted living. Again she has a reason for refusing every suggestion.


I don’t know what else to tell her because no matter what I say, she becomes hurt and angry that I don’t want her. Which is the truth. My sacrifice of “helping for 9 years has been quite enough without total loss of the boundaries I currently have.

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So ask yourself:
What happens to YOU if she become bedbound?
What happens to Mom if YOU get ill or are hospitalized?
Is Mom willing or able to help equally with household chores, pay an equal share of ALL expenses, pay for all her personal expenses?
Is Mom willing to sign to a written agreement detailing who does what and who pays for it?
Is Mom just looking for someone to do all the work and be her personal servant?

Sorry Mom, No is a complete sentence.
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Do not live with your mother . She needs assisted living . And you need to not be dependent on her financially. If possible get a job .
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Way2tired May 2023
I don’t mean it in a nasty way to get a job . I’m suggesting that you don’t want to someday become unemployable due to taking care of your mother . Many people have done that and end up broke and unemployable .
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Nooooooooooo you will regret that
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Every fiber of your being is screaming NO, NO, NO!!!
If you can not pay all your bills doing what you are doing now you need to get a job so you can support yourself fully. (even if this means selling the condo you have and downsizing to a smaller one that you can fully afford)

If your condo has 2 bedrooms and both have full access to bathrooms it might be possible.
If your main bedroom has an "ensuite" bathroom I would not give that up for someone but you might have to if your main bathroom has a walk in shower and the other does not. That means you are giving up your main bedroom to your mom.

Stick to your conviction, don't let mom move in.
Sorry to say but when the inevitable happens and she falls and is taken to the hospital you have to repeat the following:
"She can not be discharged to home as it is unsafe"

Concentrate on yourself.
You have to get a job that will support you
You have to build your life
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Grandma1954 Apr 2023
well I got sucked into an old post!
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Please don't let her move in. I'm grateful my Mom lives in AL. I would her slave 24/7. She wouldn't cook or clean. I would be doing all the work.

I know your mom will be disappointed but you have to have your own life. I have only recently realized how my mother is sucking the life out of me. So glad she doesn't live with me. Stand your ground!
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Jennycap Apr 2023
Same! I am reading this and thanking GOD my brothers and I chose AL. I don’t know how people do this. I can barely clean my own house, grocery shop, laundry etc for my own family/house! I work and have 2 teen daughters and a husband. God bless these people that do all of thi
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No is a complete sentence. You don't have to explain yourself to her.
Bless you!
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Jennycap Apr 2023
Agree
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OMG. This is our situation Except, husband and I, sold our house and moved in with my Mother. The house does belong to however. She is 97 and now and cannot live alone. Refuses assisted living and to be honest, it's expensive.
Big mistake!!!! We have a Florida condo and are now stuck in PA. I'm at my wits end. It sounds cruel, but don't do it! I truly don't know what the answer is for either of us.
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Dont let her. You need to have your own life. She obviously feels entitled to have you at her beck and call as evidenced by her refusing all your good suggestions. If she is hurt, so be it. Not your fault that she didnt plan for her senior years ..except to see you as her her plan. I would contact A Place for Mom to meet with her, to take you out of the mix. She is guilting you, as far too many of these dependent and needy ladies of the 1950s do, who depended way too much on their husbands ..
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Stand your ground.
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NO DO NOT HAVE YOUR MOTHER MOVE INTO YOUR HOME !..... but please do call your local Senior Center or County Council on aging and ask if they have a FAIR/ In Home Respire Progran that can help you with the care of your mother. Also since your mother is helping you with some bills, due to the fact that you needed to quit your job to provide care for her, you really should have a crareegiver agreemnet in place to cover you oun intrest. teh In Home Respite progran will give you time to take care of your own needs and give your mother the security of having a trained staff person with her while she takes care of her ADL and have some other companionship besides you. the fee/cost share is very minimal.
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Do not let your mother move in with you. It will be hard but I have seen too many people sacrifice their physical and mental health out of guilt. You did not create this situation.
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I understand your tough and difficult position but can't help have but one thought: Your mom is 93 so how much longer can you "suffer"? If you reject her wishes, that will be your last remembrance of her. Did she not treat you well when you were younger? If the answer is no, I still feel you'll be a more contented person the rest of your life by trying to accommodate her.

Good Luck! I hope you make the righty decision.
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Hothouseflower Dec 2022
Her mother can live to 100, maybe longer. She could be at this for nearly a decade or so. A person should not be guilted into having a parent move in. Clearly if she’s posting on this board it is because she does not want to have her move in.
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No no no…. My mum lived with us for 2 years….. My marriage suffered…. We had no private time. I no longer could have my grandkids over as she did not like too much noise. I became her daughter slave. Every day was the same….. until I became burnt out and started to resent her. I was not able to visit friends, kids etc….. it was all about her….. plus she constantly interfered with my husband and I. I became her nurse, no daughter/ mother conversations, purely an aid to keep her comfortable.Mum is in a nursing home now….. but here’s the double whammy….. my dad 93 will not leave his home and as I am the only living child am at his bec and call…. It all started again…… I almost think they had children so they could look after them when they were old. They were good parents, but somehow want to be repaid for educating , feeding and clothing me when I was young. So there’s my story…. Love them, help them but from a distance…..
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
Look into care for your father. Do not be at his beck and call. You already did that with your mother and it was a miserable and exhausting experience. It will be just the same with dad.
It is not up to adult children to pay back the feeding, clothing, and educating (many don't pay for schooling) by becoming indentured bond servants when the parents get old and needy. They chose to have children. The children do not owe them anything.
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Mom wants to feel safe and secure, with you.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
Too damn bad.
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I think she's just scared of being alone and what might happen considering her age and she might just be lonely. Tell her to ring you at a certain time in the morning, at lunch and before bed and that if she does not you will. Even for just 1 min, this might just work.
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tygrlly1 Dec 2022
Noooo.!, dont think this will work. Daughter will be getting called with constant complaints , guilt bombs and whining. Mother wants what she wants....which is to move in with daughter with no regard to daughters right to her own life . Let her spend her money.
(5)
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No don't do it!
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Tipo9fig: By posting your query, I believe that you already know that you will tell your mother 'No, you cannot live with me.'
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I would hire a part time aid to begin with and then more full time care when necessary. You already earn what she pays you in helping with some bills. Don’t feel guilty about it. My Mother was resistant to help in the house for my Pop who had Alzheimer’s before his death. She finally got acclimated and appreciated the help because she became burnt out. It’s a hurdle at first, but it usually gets easier in a short amount of time once they start trusting them. Putting a camera in is a good idea so that you can check on her and make sure that she hasn’t fallen. Don’t let your Mom guilt trip you. You do a lot for her already. My Mom had made that same suggestion recently of eventually moving in with me. I did consider it at first, but know now that I can’t do it. However, when the time comes I will get help in her home and visit her when I can. She lives 2 1/2 hours away. My older Sister and I have always told her that when she gets old, we would be old too. It’s happening. I have a younger sister with lives her and does so little for her. She’s physically handicapped some due to her prior bad choices in life. She was also sickly as a child. My Mom supports her financially and helps take care of her. They fight all the time. My younger sisters bad habits feed my mothers narcissism and my mothers narcissism makes my sister more rebellious. It’s a vicious cycle. They came at Thanksgiving. After three days, I was wiped out. My Mother complained about everything and then tried to bring up bad things and talk about everyone including family. She later said that she had a wonderful time. I told her that I would have never known that because of how unhappy she seemed the entire time she was here. It’s okay to set limitations and set boundaries with your Mom to keep your sanity. It’s a must! She’s lucky that she has the finances to pay for help. I never want my Daughter to take care of me when I get old. I don’t want her help me now at age 63. I would hire help and get home and delivery services or have a live in person to help me. I would never want to put that burden on her. You can have some of her bills set up on automatic pay. I would have groceries delivered as well if you can. Do on-line or phone doctors appointments when possible. Get a house keeper to come in every couple of weeks. Stay there the first couple of times. If your Mom complains, tell her that you need help now and then go home to your peace and quiet. Keep pushing back. Good luck with everything.
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eat-pray-love Dec 2022
I have a similar sitch w/my Mom 2 hrs away & treat much as you do. It would kill me to live w/her or vice versa. For real (Borderline-NPD + Dementia). How old is your Mom? Mine is 79. I am 59, with Career & grown Kids that live & work nearby.

I told her after her Doc appt on Jan 4th we will bring in part time help. My Mom is set financially. Just been SOOOO resistant!
So refreshing when you read (on VERY rare occasion) that an elderly person understands this. If you have the $, make the plan now.

Now I try to drill into my Mom (which doesn't matter) that she should practice getting up and down from a chair-the sofa, as she struggles now. She shouldn't!!! She is 79 & sedentary. She has put herself in this weak physical place. My Dad was 92 & up until 3 mos before he passed. He got himself up & down from the toilet. We had to move him out few mos before he passed in Jan &b had 24-7 Caretakers for him. He cherished his independence! What a concept! He fought to do exercises daily!
Love when I see my late 80's neighbors out walking every eve!

****If you aren't walking or exercising, start TODAY! Then do it every day! Can you walk outside for 30 mins? An hour Do it!
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My mother moved from my sister's home to mine about ten months ago. Her health and mobility were already deteriorating, but she could walk with a walker and get herself in and out of bed and to the bathroom. After a fall, Covid, and other health problems, she is in my home, bedridden, requiring almost total care, wanting my full attention, and having "panic attacks" if I leave the house, even though someone else is in the house with her. Please listen to the advice of the other posters. With financial resources, she has options. If she moves in with you, it is very possible that in a year you will be in a position similar to mine, trying to do more than a human being can do and losing any life of your own.
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Don’t do it. It will only get worse and you won’t have any peace or “you” time. She does not have to like it. You have a right to your life even if she was the best mom on earth.
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Your answer is in your own words and hers...you are not compatible. There has to be communication between the two of you and a willingness to understand the logical outcome of sharing a living space.
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Don’t let her move in. My opinion and many others here saying no are from first-hand experience. My life has changed a lot since living with my mother. I lost the freedom I had when I lived alone. I could go out whenever I wanted, see whoever I wanted, and come home after dark without hearing a lecture. My life has reverted to that of a teenager who needs to check in with my mother if I deviate from my regular schedule.

It is much harder to get rid of them once they move in. It’s almost impossible because no one is going to want to move from the comforts of home with their 24/7 child/slave taking care of their every need and demand, to a senior living facility where they will be much more easily ignored, abused, and neglected. They can also more easily abuse and manipulate their children than an outside caregiver.

I've never advocated that children should not take care of their parents, but there need to be boundaries in order for you to maintain your happiness and sanity. Your current setup is ideal. You are next door, but you can return to your own home for some peace and quiet. I would love to have that setup rather than share the same roof with my mother. You are doing more than enough and deserve to have your independence from her outside of your caregiving hours.
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I think you said it all - you don't want her.

your sacrifice may be repaid in a way you don't want you are old and any problems
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tygrlly1 Dec 2022
NOT HELPFUL and mean. Daughter has prepared for her own later years. Mom has not. Your judgemental attitude is shallow and short sighted.
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NO!NO!NO!AND NO AGAIN! Do not let her talk you into her moving in with you. She sounds manipulative and I know from experience that when a mother and daughter have to many differences, this situation would be a disaster.
I let my mom move in with me when she was diagnosed with breast cancer....big mistake.
If your instincts are saying no, then listen to them....
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I would say that her reaction to you saying "No" is exactly why you shouldn't live together!
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Don’t do it! She will refuse and get mad when you say no to her living with you. No matter what you say, she will disagree with you. Keep your boundaries with her. Full speed ahead. If you think it’s bad now, imagine what it would be like later if she moves in with you.

For those who had rocky—or worse—relationships with their parents, things will only get a lot worse. You know the drill. You’ve already put in 9 years. Even when you’re caregiving from long distance, your mind and psyche are there with your person. It will be abysmal if she moves in when you know it’s last thing you want. Her paying the bills isn’t worth it though she will never see it that way. Is she saving money for her future or an inheritance for you? Which is more important? The money or your sanity? Obviously your sanity but you have to follow through on taking care of yourself.
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I thought the suggestion that you do something to make some money is good. You could then need less from her and/or hire somebody to do some of what she needs.
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Hi Tipo.

I've been watching this thread because, like many, I have some similar things to navigate. My response from the beginning was that you and your mother should not live together, but I had no reason to chime in because you were getting that advice. Secondly, I'm not very good at saying "no" or dealing with my own mother's manipulativeness, so I don't have anything helpful of my own to contribute there.

However, I got to the end of the thread and saw that you mention your mother is actually wealthy, Bingo! Although my mother won't consider it (and probably can't really afford it), I went and checked out a retirement home for her. Holy crow! Like someone else said, at least some of them are like a very nice hotel. I was very impressed. It was lovely!

If my mom had the money, I'd being doing whatever I could think of to encourage her to spend it on something like that. I don't find it hard to imagine I might not be able to get her there, but I'd sure try hard. Perhaps there is a place near you (as this one near me). I went there and asked to take photos, which I gave my mom who said she'd never fit it. Too posh! Lol! That never stopped her before. She's always loved to pretend she's very well off. At any rate, it probably is above her means, so I let it go.

In your case, it sounds like it would be within your mother's means. If that were true in my case, I'd make an appointment at the place, and see what kind of coaching they could help me with, to get my mom there to have a look, spend a few hours, have a meal. The one I looked at had a hair salon, a lovely paved path along the water, etc., a craft room, a bistro, a lounge ... Perhaps they could help you put together an "outing" of 2 or 3 hours, like a hair do and a meal, to give her "something to think about".

You never know. If you could do that, she might throw you over for a better alternative!

Good luck - to both of us ...
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I would recommend you stand your ground. Do not let her make you feel there no other options about where she lives. You could even say something like / Mom , I feel hurt and … when you say … you need to find another option … I can help you with that decision if you like .” If she keeps putting you down, excuse yourself and maybe say / I will call you —-“ Had some issues with my mom too when she could no longer live on her own and I basically stood my ground , kept the rules when she stayed with me ..
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I posted earlier. I just want to say that I love how honest everyone is being on this thread.

Too many times we find ourselves in a struggle and we say to ourselves that the situation isn’t all that bad, when the truth is that, it is bad.

The other thing that people will say is that it could be worse. Just because things can always be worse doesn’t mean that we should be willing to accept a crappy situation.

I feel that not allowing a parent to live with us is about self preservation.
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