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I moved from across the country as a new widow to help my aging parents 9 years ago. I have no siblings or cousins, no aunts or uncles. Two years ago I moved next door to help with my father who had dementia. This past summer he moved to memory care, had a fall, and died at 95.


My 92-year-old mother now wants to move in with me to save money. She helps me with some bills, as I stopped working to be a caregiver.


I live in a 1,500 square foot condo and know that her routine and preferences would take priority over mine. I don’t want to sacrifice my home and life for her “saving money.”


I help with her numerous medications, shopping, take her to doctor appointments, take care of household repair and maintenance, manage her bills and finances. She currently uses a walker and can slowly complete ADLs on her own. She’s becoming forgetful but this isn’t dementia.


We have always had a combative relationship as our communication styles, world perspectives are wildly different. That’s being charitable.


Whatever reason I give for her not moving in, she has an reason that it would work. When I say that I prefer living alone, we would be on top of each other, I have my own lifestyle, she feels hurt that I don’t want her.


My mother doesn’t want to go to the senior center for socializing, or have an aide for companionship, or move to assisted living. Again she has a reason for refusing every suggestion.


I don’t know what else to tell her because no matter what I say, she becomes hurt and angry that I don’t want her. Which is the truth. My sacrifice of “helping for 9 years has been quite enough without total loss of the boundaries I currently have.

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Things will continue to change with your mother. Don’t discount the idea that dementia is setting in. You’re very correct in that you’ve already done plenty for both your parents and having mom move in is a bad idea. Refuse to discuss the topic any longer. Leave each and every time she raises it, only saying it’s been covered already. Endless looping conversations on it will only frustrate you both. If documents such as advance directives and POA for medical and healthcare, and her will aren’t already in place, now is the time to get that done. Don’t feel you have to justify living alone, you’re an adult who’s wise in knowing what is best for you. Mom will have an event or events that force new decisions one day, be prepared as you can for that, knowing that moving her in is not an option. I wish you peace
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Tipo9fig Dec 2022
All documents are in place… I completed all of these once my father’s dementia became more pronounced. I was a special education teacher, and so Be Prepared has been my motto. I even have copies in a folder to grab in case of emergency, with medication listing, Covid vaccinations, and all her insurance & ID cards.
Unfortunately, my mother will remain home until an accident or event. In my father’s case, it was sundowning that finally made my mother understand that he needed more care than we could give.
When my mother cannot adequately take care of herself, then she’ll need price care, either and aide or assisted living.
The issue now is twofold: coping with my mother’s hurt feelings and resulting anger& sulking; and dealing with her never ending reasoning for having her way. She was always able to wear down my father with these tactics. She does wear me out, but I will not meet her demands.
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NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't do it! These scenarios seldom have a happy ending. Stick to your guns and protect the boundaries you already have in place.
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Tipo9fig Dec 2022
I’m going to keep my home as my sanctuary— my answer remains No to my mother moving in. I hate our combative exchanges, and really that’s what I’m cringing about. Still, better that we live apart.
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Ask your mother why she thinks she has to save money at 92?
DO NOT move her in. DO NOT live together.
People that have always enjoyed functional and loving relationships with their parents all their lives often find those relationships become seriously damaged and even destroyed completely because they moved in an elderly parent. If you had a combative relationship with her to begin with, moving her into your home (even if you wanted to which you don't) will ruin your life.
Any love or affection you might have for her will quickly be replaced with anger and resentment.
Please, for both of your sakes, do not move her into your home.
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JoAnn29 Dec 2022
Memory care probably dwindled her savings. Then DH died. This means she is getting less in SS a month. If my DH passed, I'd be out almost 1000 a month. If a pension is involved, Mom only gets a percentage.
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To the idea of your mother moving in, it really doesn’t matter if she has dementia or not. The solution is not to move in with you.

However mom may be correctly concerned about expenses.

Her care needs will increase. Yours may as well. Remember you are getting older right along with mom. Using moms income/assets are not the way to meet your needs. If she is subsidizing you, this can cause a delay or refusal of any future assistance from any gov assistance for her care. She has to keep her paperwork clear as to what is happening with her finances in the event such assistance is needed. Many a healthy bank balance will diminish rapidly under the staggering cost of facility health care. You have already seen how that plays out with the price of your dads memory care.
I am not suggesting that she not pay her way. I am suggesting that you have a more formal arrangement to make sure what you are doing doesn’t cause a future problem that necessitates the thing you are trying to avoid.
Another reason mom may be pushing for combining households is because she is afraid of being alone. When you say she manages her ADLs with enough time it reminded me of when my DH aunt started being afraid of taking a bath alone in the house. She was in her 80s. She would call someone to check on her in 30 min if they hadn’t heard from her. When we had Home Health come in she still took her own bath w/o help but they were nearby should she need them.

I would use moms conversations about expenses as a reminder to seek the advice of a certified elder law attorney well versed in your states Medicaid laws to make sure mom will be able to get the help she needs when the time comes.
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Tipo9fig Dec 2022
Hi, just FYI, my mother is sitting on a Rockefeller fortune. And still checks her receipt after grocery shopping and counts her change. Even with my father’s residence in memory care, it was thousands less expensive per month than the 12-hour daily home health aide he had for dementia care. My mother will be able to afford whatever living arrangements are coming in her future.
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The answer for me, would be NO. Period. It sounds like you know what your answer is too, and you also know why. Crazy is doing, what your intuition, is already telling you would be a disaster. I’m not going to write my usual book, but please know I know what I’m talking about, when it comes to having parents that insist, and demand to “have everything their way”. Mine wrote the book.

I wish you all the best dealing with the tough position aging parents can put us in, when they must have their way. Do not put yourself last, please.
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Next time your mother starts sulking about you not wanting her to move in, tell her this is exactly why you don't want to live with her. She would expect everything to be about her wants and needs 24/7 and your opinion would no longer matter. Point out that you have helped for over 9 years now and this is your hill to die on.
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Tipo9fig, welcome to the forum. So sorry for the passing of your Dad. I read your profile and it sounded so familiar with mine regarding helping one's parents.

I had also given my parents the same choices as you gave your parents, such as downsizing and moving to a retirement community.... having caregivers come in to help.... go to the senior community center, etc. Dad was all for it, my Mom no, never, nada. Mom won the debate. Thus, my parents had to live with not choosing any of those choices.

After Mom had passed, eventually Dad sold his house and moved to senior living. Oh how he loved being there, being around people of his own age group, etc. He had weekly housekeeping and weekly linen service, plus 3 meals a day in the restaurant style dining room. Some of the women residents were dressed to the 9's for dinner and you could see they were quite happy.

Here's one idea, tell Mom you have a friend who's Mom is thinking about moving to Independent Living at a senior "apartment", and that friend wants you and your Mom to tour the place and for Mom to give her pros and cons. You can set up a tour which usually includes lunch. That way Mom can see how nice these places are. My Dad was surprise at how much it looked like a hotel :)
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Dont give in. You already have a little bit of a difficult relationship with your mother. Her moving in will only make it worse. You have been honest with her about why it won't work. When she brings it up, tell her you've already said no and don't want to talk about it again. Mom has to accept your boundaries. Don't let her guilt trip you with the idea you don't want her.
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Tipo,

You are going to have to minimize these exchanges even further to save your sanity. If it works to repeat back to your mother the words she has just spoken to you, try that, and inform her that this is the content of every conversation with her and you can no longer engage in this loop.

She's 92, there is dementia and as it worsens, the loops will become less varied. Write down what she says and provide her with a copy, tell her that none of this sways your resolve. Then ask it she's got any other angles to try. Inform that no matter what she tries, you are resolved. And do not give her a key to your place; you may come home to find her ensconced in your refuge.

Her combativeness will get worse and you have to start shielding yourself from this abuse - that is truly what it is - and do whatever is required to spare yourself. If you talk daily, drop to every other, if weekly, drop to every two, etc. If it's multiple xs per day, you need to start blocking calls. Make yourself unavailable.

Kudos that you're keeping your living situation boundaries intact, time to work on more distancing.

She sounds like the perfect candidate for an AL with options for increased care. She could have people around her who want to hear her tales and yes, she'll tell them all that you're completely rotten so be prepared for her lies.

About all that you can do is create more distance and allow her to fail. I'd advise against bringing in help because you'd end up being the fall back when nobody shows for a shift and you'd be tasked with overseeing it all. Let her do for herself until she no ,longer can and then have her placed, hopefully, it won't be a dramatic event that precipitates her placement, but that may be what it takes.

You have done way more than your share and it's time to devote yourself to rebuilding your own life. Pls, never allow any guilt to cloud your clear resolve.

I wish you and your mom all the best.
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againx100 Dec 2022
I was thinking the same thing. You need to start being less available. If your mom won't be reasonable and move or get help then it's up to you to help her see that this is ridiculous and that you are NOT doing more. Start setting her up with paid services to give you back some of your freedom. Start going out, alone. Go for walks, the gym, movies, anything to not be around to be at her beck and call.

Good for you for having such a strong resolve to say NO to moving in. My mom lived here for 7 years. Just moved to AL with mild/moderate dementia. She pulled the same crap with me about not wanting to go to the senior center or have helpers or AL. I felt bad and did it her way. But then I drew a line in the sand and said I am NOT doing anything more. So hired a cleaning lady to take care of her stuff and the common areas. Then hired caregivers. She didn't like it but so be it. I liked it and that's what mattered. AL? Oy the negativity was big. But she's there and adjusting.

Stay strong, don't argue, don't give in. Make up a "story" as to why you can't do X or why she needs to do Y.

Good luck.
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Is your Mom aware that your relationship has never been a great one. Maybe you need to remind her. "Sorry Mom, you know in your heart us living together will not work. We have never met eye to eye. I think our arrangement works well as it is and I don't really want to rock the boat. I am right next door". If she still insists then say "Mom, it won't work. Maybe its time to consider assisted living. You'll have someone to cook and clean for you. A nice room with you things. People to talk to and activities and outings. I cannot be depended on for your entertainment. I need me time."

My Mom and I had a great relationship. She would ask me to get her the thingamagig and I knew what she meant. 50 years of not living together changed that. Now 80 or so she had to stay with me a couple of weeks after a hospital visit. By the end we came to the conclusion we had lost that "just knowing what each other wanted thing". Not sure if it was her getting older or I was just not tuned in but she was ready to go home and I was ready to drive her there. Can't imagine what it would be like to take in a parent that I had never communicated completely with at all.

The next time Mom mentions it, u may have to be blunt "Sorry Mom, in my gut I know it will not work. So please...do not ask again because it will not happen. If she asks again, ignore her. My MIL was passive-aggressive. Her boys never said no, just went on their way. Which to her meant they said yes. She was on my husband from 1992 to his retirement in 2009 to move near her in Fla were she had moved in 1989 3 yrs befor FIL passed. He never said no, but he never said yes. He just let her talk. After his retirement, it got worse until she got me on the phone and I told her that it was never going to happen because I did not want to move to Fla. I had a widowed mother and a disabled nephew who lived with her, to watch over. No other siblings near by. I had 2 adult daughters and a grandson at the time. I was not leaving my family. Her response was Mom could move down with me. My Mom was 80 by then. Had her Church and friends, I would not be moving her. MIL said "well some of us have to compromise." I almost said "everyone but you" but i didn't she was 87 by then. She chose at the age of 68 to move 900 miles away from friends and the only son with children who lived close. She would not move back here after DH died. So my DH said "thats her choice and she needs to live with that". Got to love him.
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Tipo9fig Dec 2022
Hi JoAnn29, thank you for understanding. And thank you for examples of what to say. I couldn’t wait to leave my parents after college graduation because of differences in personalities (putting it mildly). I sure as heck do not want to return to that toxic space.
I understand her loneliness. I’m lonely too as a widow. But I’d rather live alone than live with someone I don’t enjoy being with.
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Good for you for sticking to your guns!

It sounds like this isn't entirely about her wanting to save money. If she is sulking and angry and has an answer for everything? There's more to it for her.

She is probably lonely with your father being gone. But since she refuses to do any socializing or hire aides, she may be looking to YOU, and only you, to be her world. You're right in that if she moved in, she'd take over. She'll be the mother and you'll be the kid again. It'll be like the life she had long ago, the good old days. That would be great for her, hell for you!

One angle you could take is independence. Most people her age would love to be able to live in their own home safely. Why would she want to give that up?
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Next time she tries to manipulate you with "you don't want me" try the truth: "Correct, mom, I do not want to live with you. You have your space. I have my space. And that's how it's going to stay. We can talk about you moving to a senior community where there are people your own age." And then show her some brochures from senior communities around your area. And end your visits when she won't let moving in with you go.
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Tipo9fig Dec 2022
NYDaughterInLaw, thank you! I needed that script!
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Run.
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Better your mother should feel 'hurt' that you 'don't want her' living with you than you should cave in, have her move in with you, and watch your life get destroyed in the process. You say it's 'not dementia' she's suffering from, yet she's incapable of understanding that you have a combative relationship so living together is not a good idea and wouldn't work out?? Argues with you incessantly about how it WOULD work out when you offer her reasons why it wouldn't? Uses the guilt card to make you know she feels 'hurt' that you don't 'want' her when you already live NEXT DOOR for petesake?????????

Being extremely argumentative is a hallmark behavior OF dementia. I would stop discounting that possibility for your mother and have her checked out fully by her PCP. And I'd stick to my guns 100% and let her know how fortunate she truly IS to have you living next door after uprooting your entire life 9 years ago to devote yourself to your parents as you have, unselfishly, and it's STILL not enough. Some mother's are like this, unfortunately, and we read about it all the time here on the forum.

I put my foot down about not living with my parents many decades ago when my mother 'casually' suggested they'd pay ME the $5k a month in rent it would cost them for Assisted Living rather than 'waste' it. I told THEM in no uncertain terms that while I'd always be there for them, they'd NOT be moving in with me or me with them. Period. And I stuck to my guns the entire time, helping them move close to me in 2011, into IL, then AL and then Memory Care AL for my mother when her dementia got bad in 2019. They're both gone now but I managed their lives for them and managed to preserve mine and my husband's along the way.

You say, " She was always able to wear down my father with these tactics. She does wear me out, but I will not meet her demands." My mother was the Queen of these passive-aggressive tactics to get her way, and dad would cave in, and so would I ...when I was a KID. I grew to resent her BS and I learned how to side-step her passive-aggressive communication tactics (which is, in reality, a FAILURE to communicate & a manipulation technique used to cow us into submission). Let her know you are ONTO her games and will not play them. Next time she brings up the sulking game, leave her presence. And every time thereafter. She will learn in SHORT ORDER that using these PA tactics will not achieve the desired results!

My condolences on the loss of your husband and your father to dementia at 95. Please be very careful to preserve YOUR life now, lest you give it up to your mother's unreasonable demands. Best of luck sticking to your guns. "I love you mom, I just value my autonomy MORE than anything else in life right now. Sorry but this subject is closed for further discussion."
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Tipo9fig Dec 2022
Hi leolonnie1, I think that maybe my mother and yours are related! This passive-aggression has always been part of her personality. I have yet to meet another person who becomes angry over the smallest things. I don’t know how she survived WWII and life in a refugee camp and made it to 92. She made my father’s life a misery with constant bickering and nagging. She had a 30 year feud with one sister and a love-hate relationship with the other.
That said, my father’s dementia had all the hallmarks of suspicion and mistrust and belligerence. My mother is simply nasty, but I’m watching for symptoms. Having watched my father progress over the past 4 years, I can see what can play out. I do have professional allies to help, as they did with my father.
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My mother (now in care) lived next door. Had a key to our home. Dementia made her selfish, combative and demanding. She’d let herself in 24/7, waking us and the kids. Tried to run my life.

Live separately, make her misplace her key to your place and save yourself. It is too easy to help a bit today, a bit more tomorrow, and even more next week, until you are completely consumed by caregiving.
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Just tell her you don’t want her to
move in and that there won’t be further discussion on the matter. Case closed.

if she persists tell her you are there for her, you are right next door. Threaten to move away if she continues.
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You have already said no. You don’t need to say it again. You don’t need a conversation about why you are saying no. You don’t need to listen to her saying that you are wrong to say no.

Perhaps I get things out of proportion because I need to use ear plugs often for various things. But here goes again:

When she raises the subject again, put your good industrial earplugs in your ears. No discussion. Earplugs talk for you. They say, I’m not listening, I don’t want to listen, I can’t hear. They also say, you are talking to yourself, you are ignoring everything I say, I don’t care if you sulk, you are being a PIA.

That’s the most useful conversation you can have, without even opening your mouth. Fantastic value!
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She's forgetful, but it's not dementia. Wait a minute - it appears to be dementia. Wishing that it's not dementia isn't going to help.

You do so many things for her, and that's very good and kind of you, but what could she actually do for herself? If the answer is "nothing," we're back to dementia.

She's combative, apparently doesn't understand her true situation, and has unrealistic expectations. You keep telling her the same thing over and over, and she still doesn't comprehend. Take another turn, move five spaces, and we're back to dementia.

Fold up the game board, tell her she's not moving in with you, and look at some memory care places. You've done your stint with your father, and you've given it all you have. Game over.
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Beatty Dec 2022
Love this answer ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

If the game is Dementia.. you nailed it.

Dementia isn't a skin growth we can see or an arm in a sling - it's an insidious creep deep in the brain. (I picture a mini ivy plant growing a bit wild in there).

And if NOT dementia? Not losing cognitive skills to reason or removing empathy? Then it's the regular game of manipulation I suppose.

Don't be lured into that game either!
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Run for the Hills! Keep your own space. I'm with you! You need the separation for your mental & physical health! <3
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Jasmine9 Dec 2022
I had a somewhat similar experience...........but who could afford SNF's and or assisted living with an enhanced license?
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Say “No”.
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PS I can't get over how FAB this platform is & the supportive comments + GREAT advice. Helps all of us so much.
This thread gave me strength today. Have to see my Mom on Tuesday. The post & comments remind me to protect myself. Armor on!
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The answer to her is "No". You have no control over whether she becomes hurt or angry. Your answer is the same no matter how she responds. You don't have to justify your answer nor find reasons that she will accept. Probably there is no way to do that, but that's not your problem. You have set boundaries on what you will do and that's good. Keep them.

You can be sure she has information about the alternatives that are available to her and offer to help her with them, if you want to. She is using her hurt and anger to try to manipulate you into letting her live with you. My mother did the same but I let her know that living with me was never an option. She ended up being very well cared for in facilities when she needed them.

You are not alone. It seems many parents put this pressure on their children. There is no obligation for you or anyone to sacrifice their life to care for parents as they age. ((((((hugs))))) I know it is not easy nor pleasant to deal with.
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Tipo9fig Dec 2022
Hi golden23, thank you for your kind words!
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No.
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There's a book called Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. My daughter liked this part.

"When saying NO, you are not responsible for the reaction you get."
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Keep saying no, but follow with "I'm not going to talk about this with you anymore. If you ask again, I'm leaving/hanging up/blocking you for the rest of the day." The repercussion of her nagging will be your absence. But you have to DO it. If she brings it up again, walk out the door. Click off the phone and don't pick up her calls.

Hang tough. Book a vacation.
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againx100 Dec 2022
Yes, go on vacation. Set her up with all the help she needs and GO! You deserve a break!
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My mother and I have always gotten along, and my advice is

run

run far run fast

Cause my mom and I have always gotten along (save a few moments of angst) and we love each other very very much and this is.. very, very hard.

I don't think I am dealing with "exactly dementia" with my mom either but here's the thing: at a certain point Drs will use a hundred words to describe a thing and it'll be dementia or delirium or MCI or whatever and at the end of the day it is literally six of one to a half a dozen of the other, it does not MATTER what the diagnosis code is, the issues you will deal with are identical. The only issue I have is the "put ice cream on tray and walk away boom instant distraction" doesn't work with my mom ;) A lot of the "dementia tricks" don't. But she still shouldn't be getting behind the wheel of a car or answering any calls from "Scam Likely".

Keep your boundaries. Seriously. If you know she's not going to mesh well with you. Dementia or not, what, would dementia make it okay for you to be abused? Or okay for you to be abused cause its not dementia?

Get a job and stop needing her help with bills ASAP. Before you accidentally think you owe her.
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Not a good idea

You need to untether from her which is what I'm working on but it's hard
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Please don’t allow her to move in. Your world will never be the same for either of you again!

Some people do anticipate the problems that arise from living together and avoid it like the plague.

Others are blind to what the future holds.

You are very lucky to have found this forum. There are loads of people here, myself included, that will tell you that it’s never easy to have a parent living in our home.

Remain your mother’s daughter without being her roommate/caregiver! You can care for her and retain your privacy at home.
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Don’t do it! You’ve done enough, let it be enough. You think your world is small now, wait till she moves in with you. Her hurt and anger is all on her. Keep your independence, and best of luck to you.
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Say NO. But I will help you find a really nice place. Also, come up with a deadline for her to move. If she refuses to participate, then move ahead, find a place, and set it all up. Take boxes of her stuff there privately. Then one day, while out driving, deliver her to the place you selected.

Go home. Cry some if you need to. The place where I put my mom had a rule about no contact for the first week or two weeks (can't remember which) and I was frankly happy for the rule.

She may be angry or she may be happy to see you. It no longer matters. She does not live with you and she lives somewhere where she can mingle, make friends, play games, watch movies with others, and open up to a new way of living.
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Monica19815 Dec 2022
I know someone who did it this way and it worked out just fine for everyone!
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