My sister and I care for my 91-year-old deaf mother. My brother does absolutely nothing for her. Should he inherit equally?

I had 12 years caring for my Husband of 35 years.
He had been diagnosed with dementia probably Alzheimer's but I think he also had Vascular dementia.
I would not have traded anything for the time I spent with him but I did have caregivers that helped. I did have Hospice the last 3 years. I would not have been able to do what I did without the caregivers, Hospice and the help I got from the VA.
Would I want anyone of the kids to care for me the way I cared for their dad? The answer to that is a resounding NO! (and I did not expect them to care for their dad either)
They have their lives, their children and their own problems why would I EXPECT them to provide 24/7/365 care for me? It is not and would not be fair to expect that of them. After seeing and realizing what I was doing for my Husband I took out Long Term Care insurance. Other than my mortgage it is probably the largest expense that I have that pops up once a year. But I pay it so that I don't want the kids to have to worry that they will be put in a position that they will have to provide care for me.
I think a parent that expects their children to care for them is being selfish.
A parents "job" is to raise self sufficient children that grow up, leave home, build their own lives (if that means having a partner in life and children great) and care for their family. Part of being an adult is to save..you save for your first car, house a vacation. You save for retirement, "Social security" is a supplement NOT your entire retirement account so you save for "when you get older" that money is or should be used to provide you care NOT to be "hidden" so that your children place you on Medicaid so there will be something left for them to fight over when you are dead.
Use the money saved for good care. That could mean paid caregivers or a quality facility.
A "home" is just a house that contains family and love. Once the home becomes a "house" sell it, no one really wants it, no one wants the "antique" furniture, the collection of "Precious Moments" or Cookie Jars use that to pay for care as well..a few more months of quality care is better than a building filled with old furniture and resentment.
Getting down off my Soapbox for now!

yes, but not because he deserves it, but because it means nothing and this way, if you choose, you can rid him of your life for good. stuff is stuff. and unless you are in dire financial straights money is just another word for stuff. split things up even steven and be done. you will have done what was right your conscience will be clear and lite and you will be able to move on.

I thought about my comments and while I have not changed my mind about anything I just want to be clear that there is a difference in doing something that you WANT to do for someone and doing it because you are EXPECTED.
And there is a difference in EXPECTING help and ACCEPTING help.
There is a difference between ASKING for help and DEMANDING help.

I would have edited my comment but it would not allow that but this is a good thought on it's own.

As long as she can make decisions it up to your mother. I'm guessing you don't think he should.

I'm grateful to all the people who have offered helpful comments and advise and take with a grain of salt the mean-spirited things that people have to say. That being said, I am appalled by the postings of some of these people like.

So Salutem, I am in your exact shoes. And yes, I am angry that my mother only wonders about her son, her son, her son, when he is nowhere to be found and has contributed nothing other than a call now and again after he’s shamed into it.
I am paying all bills and handling her finances etc. now and it is a burden. And it’s not fair. HOWEVER...I have laid down the law to both my brother and her that she WILL go to an AL when it is time...her money will pay for this..and I will insure she is properly taken care of. Don’t expect any “inheritance”. I don’t want or need her money, but I’ll be damned if he just waltzes in and gets “half” after doing nothing but live his life and go on vacations etc while I have to deal with the daily issues of someone who has dementia and other conditions. I’m trying very hard to not be resentful, but it’s creeping up on me. For all you that say the OP is greedy etc....well I applaud you all for being saints. She is not greedy, but has a mother who is a burden and a brother who deserves a kick in the seat pants.
Salutem, I think it’s time for you to find a facility and let Mom’s money pay for her care. You need your life back....and you can believe me when I tell you that she is not going to change her mind just because you are sacrificing your life. Your health will be next to go. And yes, I’m also very angry with my brother. You are not alone. Hang in there!

Fellow posters - I'm done with this rude OP. I'm out. I will UNfollow this question so I won't waste any more time seeing her rude replies.

Really everyone? We tell people it's okay to come here and vent, no judgment and yet someone that is obviously overwhelmed and beyond burned out gets chewed up and spit out?

Most every poster here has been rude and disagreeable at one time or another, yet we all hope for understanding that it is a tough time and we are drowning hoping for a glimmer of hope or a kind word or just acknowledgement that it sucks and we are not alone. Is that no longer the purpose of agingcare?

This poster has been around a while and maybe stays in the back ground, but she has every right to be here and to have a bad day and lash out when she feels attacked, we all do it, let's show a little understanding for someone that is obviously feeling overwhelmed and desperate and is angry.

I'm not supposed to lash out and attack back? I'm sorry but it doesn't work that way. If I'm attacked, I attack back. You see I have zero tolerance for that kind of crap!!! If you can't take it, then don't dish it out. These are a bunch of mean-spirited women with the mentalities of adolescent girls in the high school cafeteria.

Shell, yes they have been arrogant, rude, and presumptuous. They called me greedy, I was called a troll, and so on and so forth. and accused of not wanting my mother to spend money on her care. I'd say that's arrogant, presumptuous, and rude. I don't know what your definition of it is, but neither do I care. I have not posted on this site for quite some time because the last time I was attacked as well. I'm familiar with this type of cyberbullying, it happens to people who are new comers or not regular in their posting and their is a pact mentality. It's characteristic of women, men don't engage in that kind of caddy, nasty name calling.

nasty behavior.

I was attacked first and then I gave you a taste of YOUR own medicine. You want to spin it otherwise, go right ahead.

your posting declaring that I have all the markings of a troll are listed as having posted 7 hrs. ago. I would have no reason to private message you had you not posted that. But you know what, it's Ok because I've decided that you people are a bunch of angry, frustrated women who like to express their resentment via pedantic and condescending lectures, name calling, and arrogance. That's fine because I would never post on here again. I'd rather seek support from men than a bunch of mean spirited, caddy women

At the risk of getting drawn into an argument I'd like to add my two cents.

My mom passed four yrs. ago. The last ten years of her life I became as she called it her "lifeline" It started out with getting her groceries, her prescriptions, escorting her to doctor's appts. and then just grew from there. When she got into her late eighties/early nineties I became responsible for everything. She lived five minutes from me and we were always close so I guess I was the logical choice. My five living siblings just let me. They barely did anything. When it was time to transition mom into a nursing home I made all the arrangements, decorated her room, bought her a new. t.v., made the place feel like home. Mom and I were very close but I was never under any illusions that when the inheritance was divided that I would receive anything more than anyone else.

I never hoped I'd get more. What I had hoped for was a special acknowledgement in the form of a personal letter or something similar when she died. But no, there was a letter for all of us that spoke of us as a group. So even though I'd cared for her more she always thought of us as equal. She loved us all equally and that was that. She didn't keep track of who did what and if she had I still think it would have been the same.

So salutem, maybe you are hoping for an acknowledgement that you are special and maybe the money isn't the important thing at all. Maybe you will get that. But if you don't, don't be surprised cause I think a lot of mother's just love their kids unconditionally and that's that.

I was mildly hurt that my mom didn't write me a special letter but knowing my mom I also know that she maybe thought that it went without saying and that I knew she appreciated me. Maybe that's why she said I was her "lifeline"

I hope you get what you are hoping for in the end but if you don't please don't let it seize you up inside cause it would be all for naught anyhow.

Salutem, I'd forgotten the issue with much of your mom's wealth being illiquid.

Does her income stream allow her to afford Assisted Living at this time? Getting her into a facility that she can adjust to sooner rather than later, given her hearing issue is critical. (Edit. Your profile says that mom is already IN AL? Does she need NH level care now, since her stroke? Why does someone need to provide 24/7 care if she is in AL?)

You and your sister are both elders with health issues. You should not have to kill yourselves to provide your mom with unreimbursed care.

I understand a parent wanting her children to inherit equally; inheritance is based on degree of kinship and not the amount of burden shouldered.

But ultimately, there is no inheritance until mom's care needs are paid for, however that gets accomplished. If your brother gets upset that mom's funds are being spent on her care, then he can step in and provide for them.

No, I don't think she's left. She has posted helpful answers on other threads.

This whole inheritance thing is a very fraught issue for a lot of folks. For many, the idea of a parent paying a child for caregiving is anathema; for what it's worth, if you want your adult child to give up her/his livelihood to care for you, it's the ONLY way most folks can survive.

I have dear friends who are sisters. One sister is a retired teacher with a great pension and a husband who was a divorce lawyer. They are not hurting for funds. Other sister, who lives closest to their mom is a self-employed therapist/counselor, divorced with two young adult children.

Their mom is a somewhat narcissistic self-indulgent person who did not do a lot of "mothering" of her kids. Mother is getting frailer, needs help getting to doc appointments, packing to visit other daughter, etc. Every hour that therapist daughter takes out of her day to help her mom costs her in income. Shouldn't she be paid?

Her sister and BIL (rolling in cash) roll their eyes at the idea.

I don't.

I know exactly how you feel but unfortunately both my brother and my sister are like that. My mother has a will and has CD’s saved for all three of us. My husband and I took care of my Dad for 5 years until he past away and now Mom for over 15 years with no help from them. She is 90 years old and has let everyone equal money and says she can do whatever she wants with it. I feel when the time comes and she is no longer with us they will still expect a payoff. They will get it and I won’t see them or speak to them again. I don’t know if this helps but as my brother and sister say we chose to do this and they are still her children although they do nothing to take care of her.

What does her will say? That would be the deciding factor, regardless of your brother's input into your mother's care. It sounds like she is pretty-clear on her wishes. Perhaps you should start asking more from your brother...

No. It surely isn't fair that he gets equal for doing Nothing, while you and your sister do all of the work. This sounds like my father and his brother. My father did everything and his brother got "Power of attorney" and all the money. Oh, but he DID send my father 100.00 (So generous eh?) He sent it back.

So many people look at an inheritance the wrong way. Inheritance is not a salary given to you. Inheritance is a gift of Love an individual shares with someone or something. I would love to see seniors spend their money. They worked a life time to save it. Use Her money to make her life as comfortable as possible. Travel with Her, enjoy yourselves. A gift is a blessing from someone with no strings attached. If you are only caring for your Mother for money, you need to reevaluate your thinking.

Is your mother still of sound mind? If so, and she continues to express her wish to leave all her children an equal amount, that is her prerogative. I'd say that it's time for you to explain to your Mom that she'll need to compensate you for the time you give her. (Your sister also, if she is still helping.) Your mom or her PoA can handle this but you need to keep good time and expense records. If your brother is her PoA and won't cooperate, see an elder attorney.

This is a sad but not uncommon situation. What's 'fair' may be difficult to achieve.

It is unfortunate that things like this happen again and again. It is also unfortunate (and fortunate?) that inheritance is not up to the caregivers to decide. If your mom is unable to change her will, you are probably stuck with having to share the inheritance with your brother. I think other posters are right that you should spend your mom’s resources to care for her. All could be gone at the end for anyone to get anything.

My sister and I took care of our Mom during her end of life. She had stage 4 lung cancer. Caring for her at home in hospice was one of the most stressful times of my life. It was also one of the most memorable. We showered her with love. My friends even came and played music for her. I wouldn't want to go through that again, and I wouldn't trade that experience for anything in the world.

I can't think another man's thoughts. I can only guess. I also figure that my guesses are probably wrong. So I keep it to myself. For now though, I believe that you have enough to worry about without adding the thought of who gets what. Mom probably wouldn't like it.

Maybe you should just keep doing the excellent work you're doing caring for mom. Make every day as good as you are able. Talk to brother about whatever comes up, doing it with love. Resentment should just be put away. Love each other because it's your mom. That's what she would have wanted.

I'm not trying to be a bragard, but my sister and I never brought up who gets what. In fact, I wanted nothing. I'm the eldest child. I was the first baby Mom ever held in her arms as a young 17 year old girl. She said we were children together. Still, I wanted nothing. None of it meant anything to me except some pictures and a few old letters.

Anyway, you do what you believe in your heart is the best thing to do. Don't do anything that you know is wrong. Like duh, huh? Anyone knows that. Peace.

If your Mom has the financial ability to pay for her care, you may want to explore those options. This will give you some rest and respite which you probably could use right now. Or you could ask to be paid for her care but you should consult an elder law attorney to ensure you are setting this up correctly. If there ends up being no inheritance, so be it. Your Mom's money was used to help her while she was alive and there can't be any squabbles when she passes.

There is nothing you can do about it. Your parents made the will and that is what will happen. Whether it is fair or not, that is something else.

Inheritance shouldn't play into this at all. I can tell you are stressed out and need a break from her care. The only person you are hurting by feeling this way is yourself. Bitterness can consume you and you lose yourself in the process. Please take care of yourself, physically and emotionally. Your Mom's money is hers and should be used to take care of her needs, whether she remains in the same location or moves and is used for a facility. She loves ALL of her children and you can't change that. Sons and daughters don't view things the same and never will. I have had several close friends lose their mothers recently. My Mom hopefully will be making a change to an AL facility soon. Mother in law is going to be 100 and does not have her mind anymore. Don't lose sight of the fact that you are demonstrating your love. Don't we all need a little bit more of that these days. Prayers for all of you. Glisse 1121

Yes it's fair that your brother receive what your Mom wants him to receive because those are her wishes.   Caregiving has nothing to do with inheritance.  

I care for my Mom because I want to (my choice) and not to get anything from her.  

Jenna

My family had the same experience. One brother, who lived 15 minutes away, rarely did anything for Mom. Mom's needs were handled by me and my other brother. I was POA of Mom. So I decided that the money mom had in the bank would provide for her care. Her money covered all the things she needed plus having a local town caregiver stay with her during the week. I did weekends and my brother did each night (because he moved in with her). I am not the person who always takes the high road but in this instance I did. I was a momma's girl and I showered my mom with affection and care. It was not always easy. I look back now with no regrets. Mom had a will in place which left equal shares to each of us plus the brother that lived with her got her home. That was ok with me because I've seen families torn apart over who gets what. The brother that was absent was not happy with that. Think only of your mom and her wishes. Do all that you can b/c once she passes you will never get the chance for a do-over. The loss of your Mom will hit each one of you differently. At first you will feel relief that your mom's pain and suffering, and yours also, is over. Then the feeling of loss moves in and you will have to deal with that for the rest of your life. It is better NOT to hold on to anger with your brother. He is the one who is really missing out. I hope this helps in some small way.

I don't think you sound greedy, but you do sound frustrated. There is no one-size-fits all solution here, but there are some things you need to know and think about.

First, as others have pointed out, an inheritance should never be considered a repayment for services rendered. If you want any deserved compensation from your mother, that needs to be worked out and paid while she is alive and you are delivering the care. Second, I have seen the type of resentment you express split families, with siblings never speaking to each other after their last living parent's death. Do you want that to be the legacy you have with your brother? Your mother probably would not want that or she wouldn't have left equal shares to her children, because unequal shares will split siblings just as easily as unequal care-giving responsibilities will. Resentment destroys relationships.

More important and of some urgency, does your mother have a designated power of attorney, a medical power of attorney, and a living will? If not, and if she is still competent, she needs to execute these documents immediately, presumably naming you and your sister as primaries. And if you want legally enforceable compensation, you will need her to execute a caregiver agreement (contract) as well. (See: https://www.americanbar.org/groups/law_aging/publications/bifocal/vol_37/issue_3_february2016/creating-effective-caregiver-agreements/).

The bottom line: to reduce (because you can never eliminate) the risk of conflict between siblings, everything needs to be in writing, just like the will. If your mother is already suffering from early stage dementia and is not competent then you will have additional issues (i.e., a likely need for a guardianship) and greater urgency. But if the will is recent and properly executed, it should probably be left as is.

Yes, in my opinion, it's fair that he inherit equally. I think it's fair because it's what your mother wants. She's entitled to do what she wants with her assets. Your brother isn't obligated to contribute anything to your mothers care anymore than you are. It would be the decent thing for him to do, but it's never an obligation that a child care for an aging parent. Your mother should be paying for her own care if she has the means to do so. If you feel that you and/or your sister should be paid for the services you are rendering in care of your mother that should be handled in a caregiver agreement contract with your mother and paid to you both now or contracted to be paid a set amount at her death.

I can relate in spades to your frustration and perhaps resentment....However, mom's will is the trump card here, like it or not. If no will, then the state laws apply.
Grace + peace,

Bob