My sister and I care for my 91-year-old deaf mother. My brother does absolutely nothing for her. Should he inherit equally?

My brother does the same but imo , it’s up to my mother who inherits what. It’s a gift, not wages for past work. It’s funny, my mother thinks nothing of calling my husband or daughter to drop their job and something for her ASAP but doesn’t want to hinder my brother’s game of golf , seriously! If my mother didn’t like my husband, I’d probably be disinherited. Even though it’s been me for 8 of the past 10 years who has cared for them single handedly, she’s abusive and I’m the scapegoat.
( my sister has helped the past 2) . I did probably 75% of all “ care” by children for my stepfather ( compared to his own 2 lazy kids) but inherited nothing. I did it because I loved him and wanted to help him. With my mother , I do what I need to do to be at peace with myself.

Been there, done that. My mentally ill mother died without seeing her son for 30+ years. I handled her affairs and her for most of my life. I handled care, move to nursing home, cremation, funeral and executor of estate responsibilities alone. Mom loved her children equally. Eventually you will be able to shed hate, frustrations, anger and sadness and allow the peace of acceptance to take over knowing you did what was asked which was the right thing to do. God Bless and please take care of yourself ❤️

You say you don't want to be paid because caring for her comes from your heart. You can always put the $ into an account and not use it. Some type of aregiver agreement for both of you and Mom can pay for some in-home assistance with her 24/7 care to ease your troubles. Fact is, you simply don't have to deal with your brother, EVER. Learn to let that him go. Good Luck.

I'm guardian for my dad and the 'go-to' for anything dad (none of my 3 siblings jumped in - I was 'volunteered'). As in yesterday when my husband and I had to take him to the ER. I had other things I had planned to do with my Sunday afternoon but that didn't work out. My 3 siblings get to go about their life without this constant interruption, waiting for dad to die so they can get their inheritance. No, I don't like it but it is what it is and I know it is not forever. Maybe I'll get some sort of payback in my next life.

I took care of my grandma out of pure love!!!!! For 9 years straight day in and day out. I have 5 sisters who did nothing for grandma, not even visit or call. Nothing...... It used to bother me and eat me up so bad, but it also was making me sick. I said the heck with them and continued to focus on loving grandma with every ounce of my heart.

I’m not Little Mary Sunshine about the unfair treatment of women. For women of my parents’ generation sons were their icons & daughters their servants. I raised my voice when I learned that my bros. & I
would be inheriting equally from my
mother. I “suggested” to her that maybe the boys should be participating in the caregiving (they couldn’t; they live 2K miles away) whereupon she decided that maybe she should see to it that I get a bit extra. Don’t put up with it, girls; the days of unpaid “women’s work” are OVER!

So here's how you handle that situation. You do up caregiver contracts for you (and your sis). In those contracts you are paid for your services. Doesn't have to be a lot but it should be something. You are using your time, your gas, your food, and missing out on your life. You have every right to be paid to be there. Drop your pearls folks if you are clutching them... and be realistic. I think that minimum wage is realistic if it's 24/7. So, say $10 an hour for the hours she is awake and with you. or some flat number like $100 a day even. Over time you will have gotten "more" than the neglectful brother as there will be less left over all to divide. Also, talk to a lawyer but having a caregivers contract will help you with any issues if she does end up in an nursing home and there is a look back for medicaid. I come at this from experience. We cared for my MIL for 3 1/2 yrs and used every dollar of our 120,000 401k savings and stupidly thought his siblings would pay us back. Nope. They took their share and ran and we had to downsize and now retirement is looking dire as I became disabled caring for her. Always, Always, look out for your own interests first. Always.

Do you have Power of Attorney with the specific power to change beneficiaries? If she has life insurance or other policies with you named, you have the ability to change beneficiaries. Any policy with beneficiaries not only supersedes the will, but avoids probate. Also with POA you can request a TOD deed (transfer on death), if the language in your POA allows it.
My mother thankfully made my sister and I equal on everything, but didn’t consider probate so some of that had to be changed.

While I sincerely sympathize with your situation, the reality is that it is in fact your mother's money and she has the absolute legal right to bequeath it however she wishes. You could perhaps suggest some payment for your service such as reimbursement for gas to take her shopping or to the doctor and hope she realizes the time and effort you spend helping with her care, but beyond that it is entirely her choice.

In no way, shape or form, are you the one to make the decision of who inherits anything or nothing from your mother. If your mother has a will, it clearly states how she wants her assets handled. If she wanted everything divided according to the percentage of assistance she received from each child, then she would have that outlined in her wishes. Sometimes we have to do what is best for our loved ones and not base our care on what we will get paid out in the end.

I so feel for you. Some of the other greatest generation have what seems to be a sense of entitlement and don't see what we as caregiving children do as having value so much as it being what we do for each other, i.e. that's what family is for. And while in my situation, it HAS worked both ways...I am also dealing with a male who thinks that women's work is the inside house stuff. As my mother has developed dementia I have taken on so many roles, ever increasing to become "wifey". I am exhausted. Mentally my head is always thinking about something related to caregiving. Physically there is only so much energy, logistically only so many hours in a day. And I know what I do has VALUE. As in the going rate is $20-22 hr. NOT that I would charge...but then you have dad's philosophy, and then you toss in what turned out to be an attorney who did jump to the conclusion from my perception that I DID appear to be a greedy little b---- which is NOT the case. Dad is deaf and I doubt she took the time to carefully educate and explain things to him. So here I am, alone, to do all caregiving tasks--although he is quite independent in numerous ways...I physically put forth labor to cook, clean, advocate, manage, bill pay, launder, escort...while my only sibling out of state has never done a thing. Beware there is such a thing as a caregiver agreement (which sshe will no doubt refuse to sign). Unfortunately if of sound mind she can do whatever he wants as far as the division of estate, but I would encourage you to invest in a consult with an elder law attorney for YOURSELF, to see what they may advise to protect your interests. It's a horrible situation. I am grateful for all I've been given, but I'll tell you...there are moments when it gets to be too much and I think walking away and living in a box under a freeway bridge would be easier. I wonder what would be said about contesting it after she is gone, the will that is.

I had the same issue with my mother in-law. Being eldest and people listen to me , I sold all into cash distributed to all three equally. I also opened an escrow account and made all three contribute equally to the account to cover all mother’s need for next 5 years. Made sure they will not touch the other money for their use until mom passes away.
Mall done with moms permission.
Took control of her life and kept her under my care to make sure she is cared for. I call my mother in law as mom.

The COST of care is exorbitant. I would see an eldercare attorney, set up Power of Attorney (POA) and caregiver's contract so that your mom becomes your employer..and see a tax specialist opening a "corporate" account so you won't have to pay as much taxes. So even with a will the money is being spent on the cost of her care paid to the caregivers. Even if you set up a sum of $10 an hour, which will not even pay for a sitter, that is $7,200 a month -- and for, say, 4 years, that's a grand total of $345,600.00 which is over a quarter of a million dollars. In most cases that would have long absorbed the entire estate.

I work for a Certified Elder Law Attorney, it may not seem fair but it is in NO WAY your decision how your mom divides up her estate! If she wants to divide her inheritance equally between all her children that is her right to do!

I know it seems totally unfair, but for whatever reason, moms with one son, especially the youngest, seem to excuse and let everything slide in life. If those are her wishes, I’d let it go and do what she wants. I would let my feelings be known though in a loving way to my brother for sure. Being one of three siblings you and he should be able to have an equal voice, if there’s an equal inheritance. He may not want to face the truth of his mother’s issues, so he’s running away which some people do. You should tell him how you feel and not keep it inside which is bitterness for you.

Unfortunately, life is not always fair. And the best thing you can do for yourself, is after talking with your mom, no matter what she decides, is to "let it go". Do what you need to do, to "get over it" so you can take care of yourself.

I know it may sound insensitive, but if you continue holding this in, you will harm yourself.

My dad lived with me and I took care of him for 18 years. He passed in my home and that is the way he wanted it to be. I had help only on Saturday for 3 hours when I would get groceries. My brother lived 2000 miles away and he paid for my Saturday help. My sister that was 5 minutes away would always say "I can only come on Sunday for 3 hours." She was semi-retired so had tons of time to help me.
Obviously you can't get much done on Sundays as there are no offices open. So she was useless. Since we were inheriting about the same amount-dad and I worked out a deal that he would pay for groceries and utility bill. I paid mortgage
and all other bills as usual. This did ease my burden financially since his care was 24/7.
Now that he is gone, I know that I did the right thing. We shared so many great talks and every night he would tell me how much he loved me. That is my true reward and maybe I will be rewarded in heaven when we reunite.

I actually had the opposite situation. My mom, who passed away two and a half years ago at 92, did not get along with my only sibling, my sister. My mother lived with me and I had sole responsibility for her care while I worked full time, as well. It was very difficult. My sister lived on the east coast (we lived in AZ.) To be honest, my sister had her own health issues but even if she didn’t I knew she never would have been there for my mom because all their lives they never got along. My sister wouldn’t visit for mom’s surprise 90th birthday and didn’t attend her service even back on the East coast. My mom changed her Will to totally exclude my sister. I was the one who asked her to leave my sister something no matter what (left to mom’s disgression). I did this because even though there was bitterness and I also had a poor relationship with my sister, I was always hopeful it could one day be repaired. I had seen too many relationships in my distant family ruined over inheritances or lack of and didn’t want to deal with remaining issues after my mom passed away. Life has a funny way of working out. My mom respected my wishes and although she didn’t leave my sister much, she did leave her something and my sister respected what she received. She acknowledged that I deserved more as I had always been there for mom. The day we buried my mom’s ashes, I received a call my sister had passed away. Fortunately, I had gotten to visit with her just two days before (although I had to argue with her to get her to even do that)! We told each other we loved each other (something we hadn’t said in years) and said goodbye. Little did I know it was really “goodbye”. I am so glad I did everything I did given the way life played out. The point of my story is, sorry it took so long, think long and hard before saying anything to your brother or your mom. Let your true heart guide you and think ahead of what the future may bring. I had lived through enough discord and wanted reconciliation for the future. My discord ended but I lost two loved family members within 15 months of each other. But at least I had reconciliation during the 15 months after my mom passed before losing my sister. I truly believe God helped guide me through this whole process. Best wishes on whatever you decide. We all ultimately have to do what is best for us and live with our decisions. Please do not feel I am judging you. I just wanted to share my experience because your story touched me.
God bless.

One thought I have--even if everyone on this forum agreed that the brother shouldn't inherit as much--what would salutem be able to do to change this? Pick a fight with her mother? Or her brother?

Well, mothers see things differently. She needs to have a will specifing this or it will leave things open for challenges. By what you say about your brother, he would probably be the one to challenge. Mother needs a will where she specifies everything she wants done, or to be given, etc.

I am in the same situation. My two brothers will each get 1/3 of the money left when Mom passes. (It almost happened a few weeks ago so this subject is on my mind.)
My lawyer and moms lawyer did the work of putting together a contract so I will get reimbursed (sp?) for the money I spend to care for her. (also a small amount daily paid to me for the work I personally do to care for mom daily 24/7) Who knows if Mom will outlive the money. I am not sure what I will do since a second person in my large house helps with the bills, as my mom does now. I am concerned about money all the time.
I thank God daily that the boys worked with the lawyers and agreed to the plan. It takes some of the pain away that I experienced 5 or 6 years ago when the family was destroyed and now NO CONTACT. One of my brothers still owes me over $8,000. He wanted Mom's money to pay me, but I said "no way" to that since mom needs her money for the rest of her life. (maybe that was the wrong decision on my part... Would of, could of, should of..........we all need to give ourselves a break and do the best we can each day.

It is not unusual for Daughters to take over the care of an aging mom. My sister & I both help our mom as well as hire care....to help prevent burnout. We would never expect our brother to receive less than ourselves in mom’s Will. It is her money & her decision as to how she wishes to write her Will in any case. It could cause relationship problems in the future if your brother was left less than you & your sister. My sister also does more than I do with mom as she lives closer, but she would never agree to anything but equal treatment in a Will. Perhaps you should discuss a Caregiver Payment with your mom or hire Help. You certainly sound burned out & that is understandable. Give the time you can, and speak to your mom about hiring some extra care. We have found hiring to be very helpful.

This is a common issue 95% of all families but the answer is very simple.
If your Mom has a Valid Will that is how it must be done, period.
If she doesn’t have Will, she dies Intestate and the laws of that State are very clear as to the distribution of assets. Fairness has no part of the law itself.

I have three siblings but carry the brunt of care for my elderly parents. May I suggest to you that you explain to your mother that u would like to be reimbursed for your time. It is a huge time commitment on the caregivers part. Being well reimbursed avoids being felt that you r taken advantage of. This is huge for your mental wellbeing. My parents have been generous with me in this regard, gifting me generously.

I would like to add one more fact. Your sister has historically cared for your mom and you have started helping with her care more recently. Do you think your sister should receive more than you?
Let it go. The Living are in your future. As a Professional for over 45 years I saw painful Family separations over Wills. It’s just not worth the stress. You give what you can because you want to....if you can’t give this much time then make other arrangements.

I am caring for my dad who is almost 90 with dementia. I had 2 brothers who have passed away. My dad's estate, if there is anything left, is to go to me (1/2) and the other half to my brothers 3 kids. I have been helping care for my dad since my moms death in 1997. He has an acre of land and 3 homes on it. Yard work, tenants, house cleaning, paying bills, doctors appts., etc. has been my responsibility (increasing as the years have passed). Is it fair that my brothers 3 kids get 1/2 of my dad's estate? I don't feel it is but it is what it is and so I will go along with it. It is "standard" in wills/trusts too (according to my husband who sold living trusts at one time). I would be doing what I am doing if there was no estate because I love my dad. But as his executor I will pay myself to settle it all and that will be some compensation for all the work. Dr. Phil often says "we need a hero in this situation". I will be that hero and let any animosity regarding inheritance go by the way side and love my nieces and nephew like my own kids. God Bless you for honoring your mom as you have.

Reminds me of the prodigal son.

I was in the same situation as you Salutem. I provided for my dad (time, service and financially) even though that left me in debt. No help from siblings. But I would do it again. I cared for my dad because I wanted to and because I love him dearly. I would rather be left with so much debt than with regrets and guilt. That is the least I can do for him for all he did for me and my siblings. The inheritance is given to the children because we are our parents' children not because we served or cared for them. To serve or care for them is our choice. Our/your reward is much more precious that any inheritance. You have a blessed heart, peace of mind, a clear and guilt free conscience, and you're able to express your love to your mom that your brother was not able to.

WeTrulyCare

Who inherits what is entirely up to your mother not you. If you are only caring for her because you want to inherit, I suggest you quit helping and let the state take over. Your sister has taken care of her for the most part because she actually cares.If it too much for you than again I suggest you quit. Why your brother does not contribute I don't know but maybe he doesn't think you need him or if he is married maybe his wife needs him. Have you asked for help and been refused or are you just resenting him silently? There were three of us also and I was the only one to take care of both parents. Both of my siblings live a long way away. My sister ran a day care to support herself and her children and never visited at all. My brother lived in Fl. 1500 miles away and he also was busy taking care of his wife and children. However we were able to have conference calls when needed to make decisions. The last year that my mother lived I had to ask my brother to come help me. He made a trip every month for that reason and even came to help me put her in a NH. If you don't ask they may not realize you need help. I wish you the very best.

Yes Equally (depending on how your mother writes her will), if no will exists or if the "estate" if entered into probate it will be handled by state laws where the person resides when she dies. You have zero deciding power. Follow your mother's wishes. What is your mother telling your brother, that you aren't hearing? When she moves into a nursing facility all of her assets will go to pay for that care.

1 - MEN NEED TO BE TOLD TO HELP don't expect him to pony up with help or other needs unless you ask directly - start telling not asking for some help

2 - it is a fact that it is your mom's wish to divide her money how she wishes & that's that - but she should be contributing to any expense you or sis incur helping her such as gas money, parking etc - also if you end up taking her out for lunch because of an appointment she should pay for you both - if you haven't told her now is the time & explain that she should have been giving it to sis too