My sister and I care for my 91-year-old deaf mother. My brother does absolutely nothing for her. Should he inherit equally?

You know, this is a question that goes beyond money, in my opinion. In our case, there is no inheritance. Our mom and dad never had much money and basically worked two jobs each to support us. Since Dad passed about 12 years ago, mom has lived with us. . We brought her home two weeks ago under Hospice. My brothers did okay until the fall - but while in the NH they have done less - for differing reasons (one seemed to resent visiting her even though she was only 15 minutes away). Now that she is home with me, one does not want to help at all.

My point is - money is not the difference here because there is no money. My resentment is because of the obvious lack of caring. They both say they are concerned about ME - but the one does not offer to help make it easier. But you know what they say "what goes around, comes around". I love mom and just want to take care of her.

Also, I worked in the Estates Division of a large law firm years ago. It was amazing how families fought over money after a death. It made me ALMOST glad we did not have any !!

I'm in a similar situation for couple years now but with two older sisters who do not contribute to my moms care who is 85 years old. Nothing, not even get her prescriptions filled at the pharmacy after doctors appointment.
Is it fair, NO
Will they receive an equal share of my moms money when she passes. YES
My mom is now in AL, and spending her money for her care.
Your resentment may escalate, which is normal..
Your not alone... Hang in there...

Yes, absolutely he should get an equal share. He’s still her child. That’s how I feel about it for what it’s worth.

Yes. He is a child of hers and she has made her wishes very clear.

While it may not be fair about who is doing the most, it is a choice that each person in the family makes. I look at it as - I do what I can live with. Meaning, I do not want my mother drugged to death at a nursing home to make staff jobs easier. I do not want her subjected to diapering while she is still capable of getting to the bathroom with a little assistance. I could not live with myself to put her in that situation, so I'm doing what I feel I have to do to keep her in a home setting as long as possible. Each of us has certain levels of what we can live with. Some people can deposit a family member into a facility and walk away never even bothering to think the care may be far below acceptable. I don't know how they live with that decision anymore than they would understand why I would spend 24/7 to avoid it.

With all that said, I do not believe any of us should be doing what we do/do not do with the anticipation of how much $ we'll get in the end. Your mom has an estate of some sort (home,cash,etc) because she earned those things in her lifetime. There is every possibility a facility would be needed at some time before she passes and those assets will be spent down to pay for her care. That's what 'her' assets are for. What's leftover should be shared equally as she has made clear to all of you.

Why do you want more? To pay you back for taking care of her? Would you still care for her if she were penniless? I would guess you would. Since that is the case, try to stop tying the money (in your mind) to her caregiving. The money is hers, and she loves each of her children equally. Thus the equal inheritance. It has nothing to do with whether you are each equally "deserving" of that love. Quit focusing on the money, and focus on how much your brother is missing out on by not spending what precious time is left with the only mother you will ever have. Treasure your memories. Corny as it sounds, they are the real treasure, and you have the largest share of it!

From my experience, I want to say let the resent go now. Once your mother is gone, it just gets bigger, but serves no purpose.

Your mother's wishes are clear. You and your sister are making the choice to care for her because... ... There are a lot of ways you can probably finish that sentence, but I doubt any of them have to do with money.

I have six siblings - two sisters, four bros. I was the only one taking care of my mom for 10 years, until the last year when it got extreme, and then three of them helped at different times. The sisters always the most. The brothers, with one exception, got a pretty free ride.

Some of this was geography. Some of this was codependence. Some of this was the kind of avoidance you may feel your brother is engaging in, which feels exploitative. Whatever the reasons, you are all making a choice. When your mother is no longer with you, what percentage of her inheritance will matter much less than how you go on feeling about yourself for the choices you made.

I care for my Mom ,
expected I guess forever!
no one wants to help?

Do it for yourself or let them do it?
what do you do, when no one else cares for the burden?
We just suck it up as usual?
Where is the family ?

we are all done until they maybe get it?

Then what, we are done,
Great for them, yet parent will now hate you!
Fun!

I was faced with this same situation while caring for my Mom. My brother, who had always lived off of my parents, decided he was not going to have anything to do with caring for Mom or Dad. My parents insisted he inherit equally. As power of attorney, and later, executor, I was determined that he wouldn't get a dime. When I went to do paperwork at the bank, my financial advisor made me a trustee of the estate. I found out later this meant that I was not required to divide up the money with anyone. When you become a trustee, the money becomes yours, but you do have to use it for your parents' expenses. I believe there are also ramifications with Medicaid, so consulting with an estate planner is essential. If your brother is not going to help care for your Mom, he should get none of the money. I am sick and tired of lazy ass sons getting rewarded for doing no work. You are entitled to whatever is left, after first taking care of Mom's needs. Then spend your inheritance doing what you want, after giving up your life for your Mom.

Sadly, it's your mother's decision on how she divides her estate. Is it fair based on who did or did not do the caregiving? No, of course it isn't fair. But if the moral compass was applied to EVERYTHING, there would be grudges held forever. For example, my 2 cousins fought over their deceased mother's possessions - never to speak to one another again! One sister on the East Coast was going to try to speak to the sister on the West Coast, but she procrastinated and never did. Then she got word that the West Coast sister died suddenly. The East Coast sister has to take that to her grave. Don't hold grudges over material things - or money.

my mom lives with us and we help her with everything, she is now 89. She really doesnt have much to leave but has stated she will leave whatever to me for years we helped her. She talked to my brother about it and he was totally fine as he does not help and does not want to. This was entirely her decision on her own and I always tell her she doesn't owe us a thing. You help family members because you love them....

Honey,

You have a wonderful mother! You are a gift to your mom. A gift is given with nothing expected in return. Most grow resentful if their devotion isn’t recognized which is totally understandable.

Without reading all responses (over 100!) there are only three things that can be said:

1) It is mom's assets and if she wants all of you to inherit equally, so be it.
2) If you are expending your own assets, you should be reimbursed.
3) Look into what is possible for getting paid for the care you do provide now.

Care provided in the past is in the past. Not much can be done about that. Going forward, IF mom is agreeable and you can draw up a legal contract (consult with Elder Care Atty), see to it that you and your sister get paid for what you provide now. This may be considered "taxable" income, so factor that in and ask questions about it with the Atty (do you only have to claim the income or will she need to cover taxes, SS and other deductions.)

Our mom has enough assets to last years (she is almost 96 and in MC now.) Her will, drawn up long ago, also distributes evenly between the three of us. Certainly the younger brother helped out now and then over the years, and with some prodding is now taking her to the longest distance appt (mac deg, staying with those who have treated it for years.) The other brother (typical "golden" boy) is not, nor has he been, local. They did both "help" with clearing out, cleaning up and fixing condo for sale, but certainly not as much as I did!!! It was 1.5 hrs each way, so I spent a lot of time and gas money getting that done! Prior to the move 3 years ago, I also took over the "duties" mom could no longer perform (managing accounts, paying bills, grocery when we took car away, making proper foods vs frozen dinners, etc.) I am still the one doing all the financial duties, including taxes - sale of condo impacted all of us, but who had to do all the running around??? I also make all appts, take her to all but that one now, arrange hair cuts, etc as well as manage her meds and OTC needs - basically 99.999% of what needs to be done that MC doesn't cover. It DOES still take up a lot of my time!

However, despite I feel being "used", it isn't like they put a gun to my head and said do it. Someone needed to take this on, so I did. I really can't see either of them being able to do what I do (one not local, clueless, the other still has years to go before retirement, also clueless - I suspect if something happens to me, everything WILL fall apart!!!) Also, this is what mom wanted, so this is what will be. Unless mom is competent and WANTS to make a change, c'est la vie.

The OP has posted that she will no longer follow this thread, so ya’ll may as well stop posting too.

I'm conflicted on this. In my instance, I have 4 siblings, all married and own their own homes. My mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's and needed care. Siblings did nothing, I quit my job (i'm single) and moved in with her, becoming her FT caregiver. The house is in a trust now to go to all 4 siblings equally, but part of me thinks the house would be gone already if I hadn't taken over her care. It doesn't seem quite fair.

I did edit my response to add a 4th item, but apparently didn't save it. That was about inheritance in general. Not everyone has assets to "leave" to their children. Many people provide the care mom or dad needs and get nothing either during or after the care because there isn't anything. Even if they do have assets, there are no guarantees or fairness in life. What someone wants to do with what is left, if anything, is their business.

That said, my post was done before reading other comments. When I got to salutem's following response, I have a little more to say:

"OK, there was a simple question within the context of my post. All you needed to do is simply answer yes or no. All of your responses have been arrogant, judgmental, and presumptuous. In addition you have voiced your gratuitous opinions far too frequently. One response is sufficient. Now enough is enough."

Of the comments I have read so far, I don't think they were "arrogant, judgmental, and presumptuous." Certainly not ALL, as you state. There is no real simple "yes or no" answer to your concerns and others have tried to make suggestions about how to go forward with this.

IF you don't like the answers given, that is your prerogative. Nothing says you have to come back or accept anyone's comments. However it is unnecessary to be so rude to everyone who has tried to put perspective on the issue and/or make suggestions about how to be compensated NOW, because changing the inheritance is not likely to happen.

I also have questions because your profile AND a comment you posted give conflicting information:

Profile: "I am caring for my mother Jane, who is 91 years old, living in assisted living with cancer and stroke."

Profile: "I'm a 63yr. old taking care of a parent who has recently had a stroke and needs around-the-clock care."

Comment: "If that were true, then my sister and I would be doing nothing for my mother which means she would have to be living in a facility."

Is she living in a facility or not?

However, given that you don't like what you are reading here... it is a moot point.

As with others, I am not going to bother reading any more posts nor do I have anything further to say other than what mom wants to do with her assets is her business. Fair or not, it IS what she wants regardless about how you or your sister feel about it.

This is the age old battle. I say, ONLY THOSE WHO CARE AND WHO DO FOR OTHERS AND ARE KIND AND LOVING should inherit. The rest simply do NOT deserve it. For legal purposes, so the "out" person can't contest the will, be sure to state why they get nothing but do leave them ONE DOLLAR which means they don't have a leg to stand on to contest the will. Everyone is equal if they do equally for the other person. Pure blood is NOT a good reason for equality. You are absolutely right in how you feel and your mother is a fool and should be ashamed to be doing this to you.

I want to add something here and many will disagree with me. It is true that life is NOT fair. However, if you are in that unfair life and you know it is truly unfair, then YOU, even if no one wants to help you, must find a way to do everything in your power to make it fair. You may not win but you will at least have the self-respect for knowing you tried to make things right and fair. You will have peace where it will destroy you if nothing is done to correct things and it just continues. You will be angry, bitter and useless - but at least try to make things right. You'll like yourself better because you tried.

disgustedtoo is entitled to her opinion. Of course you don't think your opinions are presumptuous and arrogant, who does?? Opinions are like a******'s, everybody has one, everybody thinks everyone eles's stinks.

Cetude,
good suggestion. practical and nonjudgmental. refreshing actually. I'd never post on this site again. people love to spew out all of their judgment and vent their frustration on here. I only read the helpful responses now. As soon as I get a whiff of condescending judgment, I just stop reading.

If there is a will, then it is the parent who makes the decision -- not the children -- despite who does what for whom. If there is no will, get the parent to an attorney pronto. A situation with three kids in this predicament is TROUBLE.

Kbuser below said,"  The house is in a trust now to go to all 4 siblings equally, but part of me thinks the house would be gone already if I hadn't taken over her care. It doesn't seem quite fair." You're right, if it had been sold to pay for assisted care living.

Good start -- a trust. Attorneys come in handy for many questions as time goes by. Call the estate planning attorney now.

Beware of the county in which you live. If it is suspected that you don't have a good plan for an elderly parent, you can be taken to court for a conservatorship. No fun. I promise. Talk to an attorney now.

I’m so sorry we were unable to help you. We have all tried from previous experience & present experience. Look after yourself as well as your Mom. God bless!

No, NeedHelpWithMom, I don't feel as though many people do respond to the actual questions posed in the posts. Many people use the posts to offer gratuitous advise in the form of a pedantic and condescending lecture. This does not come from a place of altruism, but from a place of need. In the future, I would never post a question on this site and open myself to those demeaning lectures offered by so many. It's a form of cyberbullying. If this is what AgingCare is all about, you can have it.

YES.......You will be glad that you shared equally....if you only love him for what he " does" then you will continue the dynamic of "conditional" love...,It is really about you..not him in the end..Blessings ..dear one..💝

Salutem,

No explanation needed. All the best to you. Everyone is entitled to their opinion just as you are to yours.

You made it it perfectly clear how you felt. Not everyone will agree. Leave it at that.

I can understand your resentment. I was in a similar situation. Your feelings are justified. However, no-one can promise you that life is going to be fair. In my situation I came to the conclusion that I had little control over others behavior. I took the attention off of others and focused in on my own actions. Am I doing the right things? Am I being a compassionate person? Am I doing my best to help? You get the idea. Suggestion: focus on yourself. You'll be less frustrated and angry.

I know exactly how you feel!!!! My mom passed in 2015, my dad passed in 2017, and my gram just recently passed!!!!! I used to live next to my mom and dad, but moved 8 hours away to take care of my grandma. Now after my mom passed I wanted to be there for my dad in the worst way, but I was taking care of gram. I was also very close to him. I struggled with not being there for him. I helped pay his bills, make doctor appointments, order meds, buy food, and so much more from a distance. I even visited him more in year than my sisters who lived close. They didn't help him or visit him. My heart would break and I stressed it to my sisters and they became defensive. Now the same with my gram, my 2 sisters who live by us never helped with nothing or wouldn't even come to visit. I did all the work. Let me tell you what, I did it out of love!!!! I put my life on hold so I could care for her. 24/7 I was at her call with no sibling help at all. I was the only one that got her up, fed her breakfast, lunch, and supper, dressed her, took her shopping, doctor appointments, church, took her to bathroom, hung out with her and etc..... Guess when the only time one of my siblings made contact? When she was dying and they wanted to know what was going to happen to her house and her money!!!!! So as far as I am concerned God sees all and it's not fair when one does everything and the others don't give a toot!!!

There is a famous saying in my native country which translates like this, “A mother can look after 5 kids singlehanded but 5 kids can’t look after 1 Mother collectively”
Well it’s a very sad situation some of us are in. I too care for my partially deaf mom who also has Dementia, all by myself. I have three brothers who never even bother to call let alone help out. Initially I would go to Mums house and help out from morning till bedtime, once she was in bed I would head back home, and when her Dementia got worse She moved in with me and my husband. So for the last five yrs she has been living with us. My sister visits sometimes and calls everyday. But solely and wholly Mum has been my responsibility from her heart procedures to flu shots. And let’s spare our parents the dignity as we all fully know what all they need help with.......
Now I resent my brothers for not being there physically, emotionally, morally or financially for neither me or mom. They have never stepped up to anything. What I feel for them is just another story for another day...
but having given you the background of how they have abandoned Mom, I not for a single minute thought of cutting them out of their inheritance. And not because I am this saint, oh no , but once a wise man said to me,
Don’t try to play God.
And suddenly the storm inside me calmed down. I believe in fate , what is mine I will get what is not mine , will never be. I believe that I would be rewarded for my unconditional love for Mom, by God. My brothers would be tested for their negligence and uncaring attitude towards the woman who sacrificed every minute of her youth for them.
You and your sister are Amazing Women , you both have already passed the test .

Salutem

if you have receipts and your delightful uncle refuses to release money from the trust can you bill the trust. Can you and your sister be back paid from the trust. And yes your brother is a jerk

can you place your mother in assisted living and bill the trust

Try to care for your mom as a thanks for all she has done for you. It is easier said then done, but I don't think there is any joy in the sacrifice if it is only done with an inheritance in mind. I am one of 4 siblings, and luckily we each do what we are able, despite Mom's decision to leave everything to one sister. She has reasons that make sense to a woman in her late 90's and I don't see any sense in upsetting her by arguing over her money. Your brother may or may not have his reasons for his lack of dedication but try to look for the good reasons you do what you do. Good luck to you and your sister.

It might be called life. The physical and emotional toll can become overwhelming. Maybe if your brother cant be hands on, he would be open to providing a little rest time for you, like a weekend every few months where you could get away alone. Theres no reason he couldn't squirrel away a tiny savings amount for you and that way be doing his part too. Like five dollars a week at least and then you would have something to look forward to, and not have to resent him so much which isn't good for you're health.