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I know exactly how you feel but unfortunately both my brother and my sister are like that. My mother has a will and has CD’s saved for all three of us. My husband and I took care of my Dad for 5 years until he past away and now Mom for over 15 years with no help from them. She is 90 years old and has let everyone equal money and says she can do whatever she wants with it. I feel when the time comes and she is no longer with us they will still expect a payoff. They will get it and I won’t see them or speak to them again. I don’t know if this helps but as my brother and sister say we chose to do this and they are still her children although they do nothing to take care of her.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Not speaking to mine afterwards either. We don’t have a genuine relationship now so how could I feel close to them?
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No, I don't think she's left. She has posted helpful answers on other threads.

This whole inheritance thing is a very fraught issue for a lot of folks. For many, the idea of a parent paying a child for caregiving is anathema; for what it's worth, if you want your adult child to give up her/his livelihood to care for you, it's the ONLY way most folks can survive.

I have dear friends who are sisters. One sister is a retired teacher with a great pension and a husband who was a divorce lawyer. They are not hurting for funds. Other sister, who lives closest to their mom is a self-employed therapist/counselor, divorced with two young adult children.

Their mom is a somewhat narcissistic self-indulgent person who did not do a lot of "mothering" of her kids. Mother is getting frailer, needs help getting to doc appointments, packing to visit other daughter, etc. Every hour that therapist daughter takes out of her day to help her mom costs her in income. Shouldn't she be paid?

Her sister and BIL (rolling in cash) roll their eyes at the idea.

I don't.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Oh okay, I mean left this thread.

Yes, inheritance thing gets awkward. I don’t see anything wrong with a child being paid. I gave up my income but from what I see a mom has to be on Medicaid. OP’s mom is not on Medicaid and she said she didn’t qualify for it. My mom isn’t on Medicaid either.
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Salutem, I'd forgotten the issue with much of your mom's wealth being illiquid.

Does her income stream allow her to afford Assisted Living at this time? Getting her into a facility that she can adjust to sooner rather than later, given her hearing issue is critical. (Edit. Your profile says that mom is already IN AL? Does she need NH level care now, since her stroke? Why does someone need to provide 24/7 care if she is in AL?)

You and your sister are both elders with health issues. You should not have to kill yourselves to provide your mom with unreimbursed care.

I understand a parent wanting her children to inherit equally; inheritance is based on degree of kinship and not the amount of burden shouldered.

But ultimately, there is no inheritance until mom's care needs are paid for, however that gets accomplished. If your brother gets upset that mom's funds are being spent on her care, then he can step in and provide for them.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Barb,

I think OP left.
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At the risk of getting drawn into an argument I'd like to add my two cents.

My mom passed four yrs. ago. The last ten years of her life I became as she called it her "lifeline" It started out with getting her groceries, her prescriptions, escorting her to doctor's appts. and then just grew from there. When she got into her late eighties/early nineties I became responsible for everything. She lived five minutes from me and we were always close so I guess I was the logical choice. My five living siblings just let me. They barely did anything. When it was time to transition mom into a nursing home I made all the arrangements, decorated her room, bought her a new. t.v., made the place feel like home. Mom and I were very close but I was never under any illusions that when the inheritance was divided that I would receive anything more than anyone else.

I never hoped I'd get more. What I had hoped for was a special acknowledgement in the form of a personal letter or something similar when she died. But no, there was a letter for all of us that spoke of us as a group. So even though I'd cared for her more she always thought of us as equal. She loved us all equally and that was that. She didn't keep track of who did what and if she had I still think it would have been the same.

So salutem, maybe you are hoping for an acknowledgement that you are special and maybe the money isn't the important thing at all. Maybe you will get that. But if you don't, don't be surprised cause I think a lot of mother's just love their kids unconditionally and that's that.

I was mildly hurt that my mom didn't write me a special letter but knowing my mom I also know that she maybe thought that it went without saying and that I knew she appreciated me. Maybe that's why she said I was her "lifeline"

I hope you get what you are hoping for in the end but if you don't please don't let it seize you up inside cause it would be all for naught anyhow.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Gershun,

I found this response very touching. You are a kind and understanding, compassionate soul. Take care.
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your posting declaring that I have all the markings of a troll are listed as having posted 7 hrs. ago. I would have no reason to private message you had you not posted that. But you know what, it's Ok because I've decided that you people are a bunch of angry, frustrated women who like to express their resentment via pedantic and condescending lectures, name calling, and arrogance. That's fine because I would never post on here again. I'd rather seek support from men than a bunch of mean spirited, caddy women
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I was attacked first and then I gave you a taste of YOUR own medicine. You want to spin it otherwise, go right ahead.
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Shell, yes they have been arrogant, rude, and presumptuous. They called me greedy, I was called a troll, and so on and so forth. and accused of not wanting my mother to spend money on her care. I'd say that's arrogant, presumptuous, and rude. I don't know what your definition of it is, but neither do I care. I have not posted on this site for quite some time because the last time I was attacked as well. I'm familiar with this type of cyberbullying, it happens to people who are new comers or not regular in their posting and their is a pact mentality. It's characteristic of women, men don't engage in that kind of caddy, nasty name calling.

nasty behavior.
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disgustedtoo May 2019
Just to clarify, the term is "catty"

As to "...men don't engage in that kind of caddy, nasty name calling..." maybe you've never heard of Trump? He is the Despot of "caddy"...

Said it in another post - of all the posts I have read so far, none are what I would call "arrogant, rude, and presumptuous", nor "caddy"... most were merely pointing out that a will is a will, this is what mom decided to do with anything left when she passes, whether we think this is fair or not (most likely most would vote not fair, but it isn't up to ANY of us what your mom decides or how the inheritance is split) AND many suggested perhaps seeking some recompense now (a recent post talks about illiquid funds, but is there not some income stream, even if just SS? If she's in AL, perhaps SS is not available - perhaps if there is no money that can be provided now, then as others suggested, consult with Elder Care attorney and see if a care-giver contract can be drawn up that provides a set amount at TOD? Even if possible, mom would likely have to agree to this.)

AND, you said "...I've decided that you people are a bunch of angry, frustrated women..." Last I checked there have been a number of MEN who have posted here as well... Not sure they would appreciate being lumped into "...a bunch of angry, frustrated women..." Also, I do not consider myself ANGRY or FRUSTRATED, despite the fact that I provide most (99.999%) of the care, visits and mom-needs, but will have to split equally with my brothers (one of whom was abusive to me as a child AND again as a senior!!! Does he deserve it? No. Is it fair? No. Is it my choice, no, but I also choose to do this because they can't/won't.)
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I'm not supposed to lash out and attack back? I'm sorry but it doesn't work that way. If I'm attacked, I attack back. You see I have zero tolerance for that kind of crap!!! If you can't take it, then don't dish it out. These are a bunch of mean-spirited women with the mentalities of adolescent girls in the high school cafeteria.
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worriedinCali May 2019
For the record, YOU private messaged ME FIRST to attack me and called ME an ugly troll. So let’s not play the victim here ok? You personally attacked other responders as well, your comments are up for all to see. If you message me and attack me the way you did, I’m going to fire back. So yes I called you an ugly troll since you called me one. You have no right to attack people and if you do—you are going to be attacked back. Not all of us are willing to put up with your personal attacks. YOU dished it out, so you’re welcome, I dished it right back to you! Enjoy the taste of your own medicine. And now you are posting vile comments to others? You ought to be ashamed of yourself and there is absolutely no justifying the things you have said to others.
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Really everyone? We tell people it's okay to come here and vent, no judgment and yet someone that is obviously overwhelmed and beyond burned out gets chewed up and spit out?

Most every poster here has been rude and disagreeable at one time or another, yet we all hope for understanding that it is a tough time and we are drowning hoping for a glimmer of hope or a kind word or just acknowledgement that it sucks and we are not alone. Is that no longer the purpose of agingcare?

This poster has been around a while and maybe stays in the back ground, but she has every right to be here and to have a bad day and lash out when she feels attacked, we all do it, let's show a little understanding for someone that is obviously feeling overwhelmed and desperate and is angry.
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worriedinCali May 2019
People like the OP lose any sympathy I had for them when they personally attack others and abusive private messages and the OP has done both. There’s no excuse for that and no one here should He subject that. I’m specifically referring to their reply that specifically goes after NYdaughter and the private messages they sent some of us a few minutes ago. Zero tolerance for that kind of crap!
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Fellow posters - I'm done with this rude OP. I'm out. I will UNfollow this question so I won't waste any more time seeing her rude replies.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Yay!!!
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So Salutem, I am in your exact shoes. And yes, I am angry that my mother only wonders about her son, her son, her son, when he is nowhere to be found and has contributed nothing other than a call now and again after he’s shamed into it.
I am paying all bills and handling her finances etc. now and it is a burden. And it’s not fair. HOWEVER...I have laid down the law to both my brother and her that she WILL go to an AL when it is time...her money will pay for this..and I will insure she is properly taken care of. Don’t expect any “inheritance”. I don’t want or need her money, but I’ll be damned if he just waltzes in and gets “half” after doing nothing but live his life and go on vacations etc while I have to deal with the daily issues of someone who has dementia and other conditions. I’m trying very hard to not be resentful, but it’s creeping up on me. For all you that say the OP is greedy etc....well I applaud you all for being saints. She is not greedy, but has a mother who is a burden and a brother who deserves a kick in the seat pants.
Salutem, I think it’s time for you to find a facility and let Mom’s money pay for her care. You need your life back....and you can believe me when I tell you that she is not going to change her mind just because you are sacrificing your life. Your health will be next to go. And yes, I’m also very angry with my brother. You are not alone. Hang in there!
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anonymous840695 May 2019
thank you so much for your response. I was beginning to think there was something wrong with me for objecting to the name calling and condescending lectures I have received in response to my post. I realize that I am johnny come lately and in group dynamics that's the person who usually gets scapegoated, but these are adult women ostensibly here to offer help.
Thank you though for recognizing this, it makes me feel a lot better. Unfortunately our situation is complicated because much of my mother's assets are in real estate that is jointly owned with her brother-in-law and we have already spent over $100,000 in legal fees trying to get her share which is close to a million dollars. Yes, my health is deteriorating rapidly, I am diabetic and have complications. I think you are right, we do need to prepare for an assisted living situation. I don't know any other way of doing it.
But I do just stew in the fact that she is adamant about my brother getting an equal share of everything without expectation of him having to do a thing. I'll have to come to terms with that I guess because I don't want it to stop me from spending time with my mother, not just for her care needs but I sit with her and remind her of old stories about her mother and father, precious memories I don't want her to lose.
I want these moments to be precious moments I carry with me for my lifetime. I have work to do though, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words
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I'm grateful to all the people who have offered helpful comments and advise and take with a grain of salt the mean-spirited things that people have to say. That being said, I am appalled by the postings of some of these people like.
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worriedinCali May 2019
please show yourself the door. And don’t let it hit ya where the good lord split ya!
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As long as she can make decisions it up to your mother. I'm guessing you don't think he should.
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I thought about my comments and while I have not changed my mind about anything I just want to be clear that there is a difference in doing something that you WANT to do for someone and doing it because you are EXPECTED.
And there is a difference in EXPECTING help and ACCEPTING help.
There is a difference between ASKING for help and DEMANDING help.

I would have edited my comment but it would not allow that but this is a good thought on it's own.
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anonymous840695 May 2019
get a life!!
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yes, but not because he deserves it, but because it means nothing and this way, if you choose, you can rid him of your life for good. stuff is stuff. and unless you are in dire financial straights money is just another word for stuff. split things up even steven and be done. you will have done what was right your conscience will be clear and lite and you will be able to move on.
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I had 12 years caring for my Husband of 35 years.
He had been diagnosed with dementia probably Alzheimer's but I think he also had Vascular dementia.
I would not have traded anything for the time I spent with him but I did have caregivers that helped. I did have Hospice the last 3 years. I would not have been able to do what I did without the caregivers, Hospice and the help I got from the VA.
Would I want anyone of the kids to care for me the way I cared for their dad? The answer to that is a resounding NO! (and I did not expect them to care for their dad either)
They have their lives, their children and their own problems why would I EXPECT them to provide 24/7/365 care for me? It is not and would not be fair to expect that of them. After seeing and realizing what I was doing for my Husband I took out Long Term Care insurance. Other than my mortgage it is probably the largest expense that I have that pops up once a year. But I pay it so that I don't want the kids to have to worry that they will be put in a position that they will have to provide care for me.
I think a parent that expects their children to care for them is being selfish.
A parents "job" is to raise self sufficient children that grow up, leave home, build their own lives (if that means having a partner in life and children great) and care for their family. Part of being an adult is to save..you save for your first car, house a vacation. You save for retirement, "Social security" is a supplement NOT your entire retirement account so you save for "when you get older" that money is or should be used to provide you care NOT to be "hidden" so that your children place you on Medicaid so there will be something left for them to fight over when you are dead.
Use the money saved for good care. That could mean paid caregivers or a quality facility.
A "home" is just a house that contains family and love. Once the home becomes a "house" sell it, no one really wants it, no one wants the "antique" furniture, the collection of "Precious Moments" or Cookie Jars use that to pay for care as well..a few more months of quality care is better than a building filled with old furniture and resentment.
Getting down off my Soapbox for now!
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Grandma,

Round of applause from me! Encore! Great explanation! 😊 Love it!
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When my mom made her will in front of my brother, me, and the lawyer, she wanted me to have her house and my brother to have her money. I objected because I thought the money might go to her care eventually and in that case my brother would not have an inheritance and I would. Not fair. As it turns out, there will most likely not be a house either, but whatever is left it should go to both of us equally, even though my brother has not done any of the care giving and has visited her only once in the last year. He lives an hour away and is retired. I still work. It just doesn't matter what he does or what I do for our mom. Equal. No judgement. Who can know the reasons that people do or don't do what is "expected"?
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Artist,

You’re a sweetheart to feel as you do.
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Asking an innocuous sounding question without doing any research on this site if it's been asked before (which we all know it has been and many times at that), and then getting defensive and angry when someone answers bluntly. Trolls want to start fights. That is troll behavior.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
You could be right. Markings of a troll. Thanks for pointing this out.
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Does your mother love your brother? Does your mother ask for him and does she realize you are doing all the caregiving and he isn't doing anything? If the answer is YES, then your mom still made the decision to split inheritance equally. You are making the choice to care for your mom out of love - no amount of money will ever be worth more than the peace of mind you will have one day that you were a wonderful daughter. Your brother - might not have that peace of mind . If your mom qualifies for Medicaid Community ie inhome help - there is a program called CDAP that actually pays family members to care for loved ones.....I would also try to talk to your brother and see what he thinks about how you are feeling....In the end, I think you really want to care for your mom and even if he stepped in - you would still want to be involved. I made this decision 6 yrs ago ie I lost my fulltime corporate job and decided to care for my parents ….I told my brother I would do it until I couldn't and that he should just worry about working ie he has a really good job and I didn't want him to lose it......and so, ive been doing this now for 6 yrs at no additional salary and no change in inheritance...….my father died last summer and my brother got sick at the same time - I was shuttling between 2 hospitals...my brother got better and now im caring for my declining mom......its a big hit to salary ie I work PT....but its my choice and I don't resent my brother since It was my decision...…..I hope you can find some peace in your own decision ….your mom is blessed to have you!
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First of all, thank you! For caring so much and helping your mom! It’s a shame your brother is behaving selfish and ingnorantly. My brother isn’t much better. I did much more, and he got all the attn and credit. You are not wrong to feel you deserve more, or that you’re angry. You should be. I don’t have children. Your mom is the one who makes the decision so just take what she will leave to you. My mother behaved the same way. Enjoy the time you have left with mom. And forgive her because she’s elderly. She knows what’s going on but maybe not wanting to deal with it. So let it go. People rarely change. You’ll be fine. Stay strong!
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worriedinCali May 2019
Her brother is not being selfish.
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The best solution would be to get outside help for the hard stuff and pay that out of your mother's funds. Otherwise you are going to suffer burnout and resentment that your brother does nothing and still gets the same as you. I agree that he "deserves little or nothing" but that is unlikely to be what happens.

I know a family that had 2 sons and 2 daughters. The daughters took care of the elderly mother for years, doing EVERYTHING. The sons did NOTHING to help. The mother owned 2 farms and substantial land. Finally she passed. Her will left $10K to each daughter and A FARM went to each son! The mother actually believed this would work out nicely.
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OK, there was a simple question within the context of my post. All you needed to do is simply answer yes or no. All of your responses have been arrogant, judgmental, and presumptuous. In addition you have voiced your gratuitous opinions far too frequently. One response is sufficient. Now enough is enough.
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Shell38314 May 2019
Wow! The people here are trying to help you...oh wait...you didn't get the answers you were looking for did you?

No one here was judging, presumption, nor arrogant. I am sorry that you see it that way, but I guess, I would to if I didn't get the answers I wanted.

Do you know most of these people really take thought and time to answer your question? They really wanted to help.

What did you want to hear that your sister and you should inherit everything and your brother should get nothing. If you got that would that make you happy? I have a feeling the answer would be no!

Not that you care, but you are very rude and unappreciative. By the way, this was not just a yes/no question it was more complex as life is complex.

If you don't like the answers you were given then go try a different forum maybe there someone will give you the answers you want!
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It's your mom's money to do with as she pleases.

It's your time and labor, to do with as you please.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
I agree, Barb. Whoever said all is fair in life anyway? Fair means different things to different people. In the end, it is mom’s money. Hopefully it will be spent on mom’s care.
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Just a few more thoughts before I have to go to bed. I have a busy day tomorrow.

Like your sister, I am dealing with a few health issues right now. I am finally addressing my health concerns thanks to the good people on this forum who have encouraged me to take care of myself. If I don’t care for myself I can’t care for mom. I am glad that your sister is doing the same and you are so very kind to help out more.

I was wondering though, why is your mom resisting outside help? My mom was very dependent on me like yours is on you and your sister. You are wonderful daughters to care so much. I understand. I love my mom dearly too. Try to explain to her that others can do the same things that you and your sister do. She will adjust to it. My mom did and she is set in her ways, she’s 93!

My mom resisted outside help at first but now she is glad that I get a short break a for a few hours a month which I get as respite care through Council on Aging. They will do an assessment for your mom like they did with my mom who has Parkinson’s disease and if she qualifies like my mom did you can get a break for a few hours.

Also I have received caring advice from all who have posted suggestions to you. They have a lot of experience and I am grateful to everyone for their help. We all care.

No one is trying to tell you how to feel. You are entitled to feel however you do. It’s only suggestions from our own experiences but you have to do what you feel is best for you and we respect that.
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salutem - here are some of your own words in quotes:

"My sister and I care for my 91 year old deaf mother. My brother does absolutely nothing for her. Should he inherit equally?"
"I would not accept payment because I do it from my heart. I just feel that it should be acknowledged that some have made great sacrifices, while my brother has been completely selfish."
"All that I do for her including protecting her from isolation and feelings of abandonment I do without reservation."

You don't want to accept money from your mother, and you help her without reservation from your heart, yet you want your mother to give more money to acknowledge your help.

I think you need to get it straight in your head and heart what you really want.

If you just want to be acknowledged for your help, will a thank-you suffice? If you want to be paid for your help, then ask for it. Be honest with yourself. There is nothing wrong with getting paid for your time. Your mother would have to pay someone to help if you weren't there to do it.

As for the inheritance, your mother obviously loves all her 3 children equally without condition, that's why she wants to give equally to each of you. She doesn't put a condition on your brother to help in order to get his share. She just gives from the heart.

So, to answer your original question, yes, your brother should inherit equally because that's how your mother wants it. That doesn't mean she shouldn't pay you for your work. But then you say you don't want to accept her money.

Uh... so what is it that you want?

I think I know. You want to get paid without having to ask. Well, that's not going to happen the way it's going. So, you're resenting it. If you want it changed, you need to make it happen. Like I said earlier, there's nothing wrong with getting paid for your WORK.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Great answer, Polarbear!

You explained that perfectly!
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Salutem,

You said your sister previously did most of the caregiving? How long has she done it before you? How long have you been caring for your mom?

Have you discussed with your sister if you and she would divide funds equally since she has done most of the caregiving?

How is your sister doing now? Will she be able to help out more again later if her health improves? Do you feel you are getting burned out?

Burnout happens to the best of us no matter how much we love our parents. Just ask anyone here who has posted. We have all been exhausted at one time or another or still are exhausted.
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Dear Salutem,

I am with you and feel like if you are doing all the work then yes, I think you should get it all. But I know that is not how families work.

Since your mom said everything should be equal.  I know you don't want to abandon your mom but the resentment and anger is real.  Are you able to have a lawyer to talk her? Or arrange for alternate caregiving arrangements for her?

And even if your mom gave you everything, please know that won't be the end of your feelings of resentment. Because you have given a lot of time and made a lot of sacrifices to help her.  The caregiving could still go on till she is a 100. How will you feel then?
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Salutem,

Nothing wrong with asking for help. I think most of us have but we stop asking siblings when they don’t help very much. Have you asked your mother recently to help out financially? She may decide that she will help out some?

My SIL said to my friend that she didn’t understand why those who needed help didn’t ask for it. My friend is also a caregiver (to her MIL) and told her that we have asked and have always been refused. They have a million excuses. Plus she told her something I thought was a great answer. She said to my SIL that people don’t want to have to ask because it would be nice if they offered and not have to ask. It would be nice if your brother offered to help but people who don’t want to help aren’t going to offer. It’s sad.

So sorry that you are doing this alone. A lot of us are. My mom has said the same about dividing equally before too. Know how you feel. Have you explained any of your feelings recently to your mom? Maybe she has changed her mind. My mom has shifted her ideas somewhat on certain issues.

Many people on this site have crappy siblings.
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Lisa42 May 2019
Thanks for this. I have been taking care of my elderly dad for years, without the help of my brother. He pops in for a few hours every now and then but is too "busy" to help. When I ask him to help, he starts an argument to get out of helping. My dad's will has split everything equally too, which I resent. My health has gone downhill, I am constantly sick and have insomnia as well.
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If mom can afford to pay you and sister for her care that would be best. That way you guys are getting more inheritance than your absentee brother, just under a different classification.

Inheritance is a gift and it gets convoluted when some siblings are helping and others don't even acknowledge the parents existence, it creates bitterness that I believe would be minimized by getting paid for the care provided. If nothing else it leaves less for the absentee ones.

Have you and sister ever said hey dear brother, we need to have you step up and help mom by doing....? It is okay to ask for help even though they don't offer.
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Does anyone actually read these posts or do they just project and respond to whatever they feel like responding to? The post asked a specific question, that's all.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
Yes, everyone has read them and answered your post. We care.
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