My sister has historically shouldered the brunt of my mom's care because she lives so close to her. Recently my sister's health has declined and I am now assuming more responsibility for my mom's care, 3-4 days per week 24/7 including meals and the scheduling of doctor's appointments. My brother does absolutely nothing for her, and doesn't offer or inquire as to what needs to be done. He calls on Mother's Day and holidays and visits once or twice a year. He only lives about two hours away. He used to live much closer, still did nothing and moved without the slightest care as to how she would be cared for and by whom. Is it fair for him to receive an equal inheritance? I ask because my mom insists that we should all inherit equally, but does not insist or even ask that he contribute anything to her care or needs which are extensive due to her age and hearing impairment which requires that she be accompanied even when she is visited by home health care practitioners. I feel resentful of this but don't know how to express this without sounding like a greedy little b******.
I get confused at times as to which direction to take.
I can't write it as well as she spoke it, but I think you get the point. Parents sometimes try to be fair to each kid, but is it really right? As each kid is different and handles things, responsibility, life stress differently.
That is the best answer I have tonight!
Yes, you have your hands full. It gets complicated when people cannot agree. Obviously, you and your sister have been responsible in caring for her. I get this as I am the primary caregiver for my mom. It’s tough to sort through all of this.
They become like our children. We have to make the best decision for them. Sometimes they don’t know what is best for themselves and those caring for them. We have to make the tough calls. It’s hard because we want to respect them.
It is sad your brother doesn’t help out. I do it all with no help from either of my brothers. I’ve accepted it. Don’t necessarily like it but I can’t stew over it or I’d make myself miserable. Been there, done that and not worth it. They are not going to change. I don’t have the power to change anyone.
My opinion is that no one should EXPECT to be left an inheritance. If it happens great.
My feeling is the money that has been saved by your parents should be used for their care. This is what it was saved for.."we will save for our old age"..is usually how a conversation starts when a couple starts saving.
People now also have the option to purchase long term care insurance..if you can afford it. But in the past you saved for what was necessary when you were no longer working.
The money that your Mom has saved use it for caregivers.
Use it to get a better mattress for her bed so she is less likely to get pressure sores
Use it for what ever she needs to make her comfortable.
Prepay for her funeral and enough to have a nice luncheon after
If there is any left be grateful for what there is...it is more than you have right now.
Your Mom does not see that one child is doing more than another all she sees is you are ALL her children and she loves you equally.
Care should come first. Who worked hard for that money? They did. So technically, bottom line, it’s their money.
How do I feel personally? I would reward the people who did more for me when I was living, if there was money left over after my care.
I would not necessarily shut out others if I still wanted to give them. If I did not want to give to certain people for my own reasons, I wouldn’t. Simple as that.
It’s not like they could argue with me after I am dead! 😂. Hahaha. Sorry, I have a twisted sense of humor at times.
When one or more siblings chooses to take on the role of caregiver, it does not obligate everyone else to help. And those who chose not to help are neither self nor bad people.
Yes, it shouldn’t be forced on someone to care for them. Some use emotional blackmail, etc. Awful to do to a child.
Should be a personal choice. Sometimes it’s complicated. Mom was left homeless after Hurricane Katrina. Crime is high in our city. Total mayhem after the storm. Very emotional time for all of us. Of course, I took in mom.
Had I had time to think about it fully without the emotional baggage of a major storm, I would have considered other options.
If you can convince him that he should give you his inheritance, then all would be well, yes?
There is a big difference between inheritance (which tends to be based on equality of relationship, i.e., all children inherit equally) and remuneration, which is based lost wages, opportunity cost of investments and the like.
When my mom needed care, it was clear that none of us could provide hands on care for her. We all had jobs, mortgages, kids in school and obligations that out-weighed parental care.
It helps if you have a clear idea of what that hierarchy is:
Minor children
One's own health, mental, physical and financial, in no particular order. (You're no good to anyone if you're not healthy)
Your brother is looking out for himself, his children, his spouse?
You call that selfish. He calls that self-preservation.
Perhaps mom's care should be paid for by her assets or her entitlements. Or by Medicaid. If you choose to step in to take over, that's NOT brother's issue.
Spouse.
Adult children
Elderly parents.
As you can see, elderly parents place last in this hierarchy. That's because THEY are adults and were supposed to plan for their old age. There are entitlements for elders if they are destitute; not so much for those of us of middle age.
Not going to happen. For which I can offer only a shoulder rub of sympathy.
i think you see the end is near and you are looking for ways to take all, if not some of what would be your brothers inheritance
in Australia we have something called a carers payment which is income and asset tested. Only one person would be entitled to it. That would most likely be your sister
if your mother has left a will the law will most likely uphold that will. If your brother took you to court you would waste more on lawyers than you would hope to gain
if your mother does not have a will and she is competent she should do one or it could all end badly
wills don’t care about how good or bad you think your brother has been and neither does the law
" my mom insists that we should all inherit equally"
That's shot the fox, as we say. End of discussion.
If your sister is not able to continue to provide care, and you resent providing care as long as your brother won't do his fair share, then the obvious solution is to use your mother's resources to pay for care either at home - if she's incredibly rich - or in a facility.
Or... would you feel better about it if your mother agreed to pay you for your time now?
The ‘wild card’ is that no matter how the will is worded, it can be changed by the parent because they fall out with a child in the last months of life. Or the will can stay as written but there can be no money left because the parent is scammed by a gold digger, or care costs have taken all the funds, or the parent develops a gambling problem, or etc etc etc.
Logically, by far the best option is to have a contract where parent pays the child for care giving, at the time it is happening. The will won’t need to be changed, because it leaves equally whatever is left in the estate. Once in place, it avoids a lot of problems, like siblings not wanting parent to go into a facility or get care in the home because it will reduce their inheritance. It allows a sensible choice between child providing the care and hiring outside caregivers - not 'free' versus 'expensive'. It also works as spend down for Medicare eligibility.
Children may need to take into account that the parent may need some financial support in the future if their own funds go down to nothing, and there is the problem of getting the contract in place between parent and caregiver child. Both parent and child may prefer to think that the care is for love, not money. All of us know that the care comes with love, even if payment is made, so the contract arrangement needs to be presented as ‘normal’ and ‘the right way to do things’. Using the forms on this site may help to deal with the first discussions, because quite clearly they present a 'normal' arrangement.
https://www.aarp.org/caregiving/financial-legal/info-2017/you-can-get-paid-as-a-family-caregiver.html
Google “Medicaid paying for family caregivers” and “how to get paid as family caregiver”
https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/medicaid-waivers/home-care.html
"Medicaid Payments to Family Members to Provide Home Care"
In most states, it is possible for family members to be paid by Medicaid for providing personal care to their loved ones. In brief, this process works as follows.
1) An individual applies for Medicaid
2) Once approved, they then sign-up for a specific Medicaid program that pays for home care and allows for "Consumer Direction". Consumer Direction means the beneficiary can select their care providers rather than have Medicaid choose providers on their behalf.
3) The beneficiary then hires their family member as a personal caregiver.
4) The family member / caregiver submits timesheets to and is paid by Medicaid or indirectly by a legally responsible 3rd party service.
Interested parties should be aware that in all but twelve states Medicaid prohibits legal guardians and spouses from being paid. Notably, Medicaid does not prohibit the adult children or ironically, ex-spouses for being hired and compensated, thereby resulting in some “Medicaid divorces”.
Does your brother know you and your sister need help? Have you come out and said, "hello, we need help with mom, even if it is a few hrs a week?!"
The truth is and I am going to lose popularity votes on this...but, your brother really doesn't owe your mom anything nor your sister or you. He has a right to live his life as we all do! Does it suck that sibs don't help? H3ll yes!!!
But the bottom line is he doesn't have to help to be part of the family nor to inherit anything. If your mom feels that everything should be divided than that is how it should be.
I know it doesn't seem fair, but here is something that I learned after my dad died in 2014. Parents know things that us kids can't possibly know. Parents know who kid can handle what! They know what each kid went through growing up! They know each kid's personality even if, they don't really like the personality! Most importantly it really is up to the parents. (I am talking about good parents.)
You have the right to feel anyway you want, but I am with Barb you and your sister should be paid now! Ask brother for help and if he choose not to than he made his choice and he has to live with that!
Just my 2 cents!
My brothers know. They say no to my asking for help 99.9 percent of the time. I watched their kids a bazillion times! That’s just the type of people that they are.
My whole family was sexist. If I had been born male, according to them, mom would not have had a caregiver in the family. But since I am female, it was my job! Crazy!
But as my husband said to me, “If a woman is needed to care for your mom, how is it that they as men did not care for your father, shouldn’t they have done it as men?”
How do I go about getting paid?
My brother also lived close to my parents as well, and yet saw them only rarely. This broke their hearts.
I understand how alone and angered you feel at your brother’s unwillingness to put in any effort to see your mother when he lives so close.
Nonetheless, you must accept your mom’s wishes regarding the distribution of her estate. This choice is very personal and the decision is hers alone. This is not something that you should even discuss with her. Every person of sound mind has the right to make their own will. This will should never be influenced.
Someday you will have peace of mind because you were there for your mom. The greatest gift that I got from my parents was their time. I hope you feel the same.
So what can you do? Allocate the largest portion of your estate to your most loyal caregivers. Since you feel strongly about this issue, make sure that this doesn’t repeat with the next generation.
I don’t know if I could have been getting paid all this time, I don’t know anything about inquiring if I can be paid. Sure would be nice. I gave up an income to care for her. 14 years and counting. She lives in our home.
My mom does pay for her meds, drugstore items, poise pads, hand lotion, tissue, shampoo, soap, toothpaste, her personal stuff.
Best of luck to you and your sister.
You need to work out a caregivers contract which should be vetted by a lawyer. It should lay out your duties and the rate you are paid.