My sister treats dad's house as a care home. How do I deal with this?

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My sister treats dad's house as a care home. How do I deal with this?

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I'm dad's full-time caregiver. My sister 7 years older than me lives over the road. She offered a little help at the start but when things got worse with dad (he has vascular parkinsonism) she started to distance herself & leave me to it. I asked for her help when I was having burnout. She accused me of emotional abuse. Didn't realize it was burnout until I contacted a social worker crying. I didn't want dad to go in a home but that is what my sister suggested. The social worker organized more caregivers during the night as dad is double incontinent & must have two people to maneuver him. I was struggling to change him myself. I deal with everything. My sister lives over the road & now just pops in once or twice a week, lucky if it's an hour. She is the visitor & I am the caregiver. She helps herself to tea or coffee, makes dad a drink, but doesn't offer to make me a drink. She goes away on holidays & doesn't even text to see if he's ok. This is now really getting under my skin. If I bring up how I feel she responds by saying horrible things, have her daughter take a go at me or she will disappear until I let her know dad's been ill. That's been the pattern so far. As it's dad's house so I have no say. I disappear upstairs out of the way. I feel totally ignored and disrespected by my sister, her husband & grown kids. I wasn't invited to my niece's wedding & my sister just made a comment that "we understand you can't get someone to sit with dad.” This hurt me so I'm cutting my ties from her. This all stems from my sister & cousin's believing I am not my dad's daughter. Mum (whose passed) had an affair & they believe I was someone else's. Also, her husband hit my dad in the face years ago. Her husband is a nasty man & I believe he is the main culprit to keeping me & my sister apart, but now the way my sister treats me I believe she has hated me all along. So, I am looking after dad as we have always been close & he's done a lot for me & my daughter. So, to care for him has come naturally. My daughter helps as well. But I just don't know how to deal with my sister & I can't escape it as I can't stop her from seeing dad. I just feel she's treating me like the ugly sisters in Cinderella. She doesn't value me at all & it's getting me down. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

Burnout Family Caregiver Multi-generational Living Relationships

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Bottom line, you want to give up your life and care for your father, your sister does not, she has a life of her own and intends to keep living it.

Homes today are not like those of 50 years ago, personally I see no reason to not at least explore your options.

What are you planning to do to support yourself after your father dies? How will you afford to live?

It is not so much about today, it is about planning for your tomorrow.

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Yes many are worse

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He needs to go where he is taken care of by professionals. He’s now a pivot point for a family feud, which is awful in itself. Everyone would be happier if he were in a nice care home and nobody’s literally fighting over his death bed.

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My dad wants to be at home & his wishes are written down that he wants to die at home. Its more about respecting my dad's wishes so I am not being cruel. I was asking people if they have a way of coping with this emotionally but shoving him in a home won't be the answer. I'm not a martyr either & I'm not shouting or arguing with my sister. I am actually feeling like this in my thoughts.

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You were invited to your niece's wedding reception (you stated this in an earlier post), and they explained why you weren't expected to attend the wedding itself, and it had nothing whatever to do with doubts about your mother's virtue.

This is all getting out of proportion. What it comes down to is that you believe your father should remain at home, your sister believes he should be in residential care, and when you put pressure on her to share in the sacrifices that you are making she resents it. I've no idea whether she values you or not, but the real issue is that she doesn't *agree.* You feel she doesn't respect you, but what respect have you shown her?

You wrote: "I didn't want dad to go in a home because my sister suggested him to go in a care home." I assume you didn't actually mean that the *reason* you decided against residential care was that your sister was in favour of it? I assume it was because you didn't like the thought of it for other reasons?

How is your Dad at the moment?
Are you still in touch with the social worker?

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I have not put pressure on my sister. I get help from carers & people who sit with my dad so I can go out . My dad wants to stay at home & HIS wishes are he wants to stay at home! No one is arguing no one is shouting noone is mistreating my dad. The social worker told me I'm doing a great job. Obviously noones understands where I'm coming from. I feel slightly attacked by people on this thread. I just asked how to cope emotionally! But never mind shoving dad in a home won't make him happy if he wants to stay at home . His choice and I believe in helping him be comfortable he can look at his garden, people can visit him. He doesn't want to be shoved in a room bedbound & forgotten like my mum was .

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You keep wanting your sister to be someone different than who she is. She is never going to help, in fact, she is making things worse so why put any stock in her as a relative? We can't choose our family but we can choose if and how we engage with them.

If your Dad enjoys the visits from your sister, I would stop impede this. You don't have to go upstairs and disappear...you can stay right next to his bedside during the entire visit and see how she reacts to that.

But the main issue is your burnout. Stop being a martyr. My MIL is in a lovely facility run by the Presbyterian Church (not her religion) and gets excellent care on Medicaid. She enjoys the increased social interaction with other people. She gets all the care she needs and it's 3 miles from my house. Believe it or not, YOU may not be the best care solution for your Dad. You are burning out and this bad for both of you. Maybe your sister isn't helping because she doesn't want to enable something that she strongly disagrees with: keeping him cloistered in his home and watching you burn out. She's under no obligation to help you. You need to stop wanting or expecting it. Now make a decision. I wish you much clarity and wisdom, and peace in your heart!

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Is it like in the commercial with the waiter serving food and the elders being in a circle listening to music?

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Drivesmemad3, it appears your sister can see the forest for the trees, meaning it time to let Dad move into a senior care facility. This is quite common in many households where there are siblings with totally different opinions on care.

It doesn't matter if the sibling lives just down the block or half way around the world, family dynamic still come into play.

You need to do what is best for your Dad. He might be happier being around people from his own generation, and away from family disagreements, of which there sounds like there are many.

With your Dad being a care facility, you can once again be his "daughter" instead of his "caregiver".

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Hope they wouldn't dope him up into a stupor.

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I agree with everyone. I had a classmate who had Parkinsons for over 20 yrs. His wife was a nurse and kept him home until six months before he passed. He had Dementia and he was getting too much for her so she had to place him. You may eventually have to, too.

While Dads still with you, do a DNA test. This will prove one way or another if your Dads child. You may not care but others seem to.

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Thank you for your kind answer. Dad doesn't want to go in a home. He still can make choices. My sister wants him in a home so she doesn't have to see me

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To the ones who answered shove him in a home. He wants to stay at home & die at home. His wishes. I respect his wishes. He saw my mum in a home with lewybodies dementia . In fact she went in 2 homes. One where she broke her hip & even though she was crying out in pain she was dragged by the arms with her feet dragging along the floor to be put on a commode. She ended up in hospital only because I insisted the home get a Dr out. I had to argue with the manager who was reluctant because she said there was nothing wrong with mum! I reported it at the hospital & they placed her in a nursing home. The next home they looked after her well but she was bedbound was placed in a room without seeing any of the residents. My dad can see his garden & watch birds feeding. He can watch anything he likes on TV through the night. In a home it's lights out. A carer told me they do drug up elderly just for an easy night some get locked in their rooms. This was from a carer. So good luck to you all & I hope your kids don't want to shove you in home. We've experienced the horrors. For example I was visiting my mum & we heard a carer tell a lady in the next room she couldn't go to the toilet. I had a go at the carer & reported her. Carers are not always happy , kind people. Im happy to look after my dad but thanks for your thoughts very surprising

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I'm sorry you feel attacked here. We all understand your burnout very well, and the issue people have is that you are expecting something from your sister that she's not willing to give, and allowing that to bring you down. Honestly if she's seeing him twice a week for an hour that's 2 hours a week more than my brother gives to my mother who has dementia. Not everyone can handle caretaking or seeing the decline of their parent, and not everyone has the same experience of their parent as you had. Or maybe your sister is just a jerk, we don't know. But either way you can't hang your peace on someone else's behavior. Why not leave the house and take a break when she visits if you find her behavior so odious. Burnout is very real and very threatening to one's health, both mental and physical, but the way to deal with it is not by blaming your sister. You should be be seeing a therapist regularly, online is fine, and working out all of these issues. And make sure you are doing something for yourself and not just living for your dad. Something as simple as going for walks in nature every single day is extremely helpful to your mental health. And you need to prioritize that.

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Thank you for all your answers but my dad wants to stay at home it's his wishes. My mum went into a home with lewybodies dementia & was shoved into a room on her own. My dad still can make decisions for himself.

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They all want to stay in their home, it is part of their MO. You are missing the point of doing what is best for all concerned. That is your choice. Good Luck.

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You've come here asking for advice, and mention 'shoving dad in a home' about a dozen times at least. When you come to an internet forum asking for advice, you can't expect to hear ONLY what you want to hear. You wind up hearing what we as a collective group of experienced caregivers feel is BEST for all concerned, and in this case, it's placing your father in managed care where he will have his own room vs. being 'shut away in a room'. You have lots of strong opinions and closed minded attitudes that may be translating over to your sister who is responding to them, thereby straining your relationship. She feels as we do, that your father would be best off in managed care, but you are pointing out her 'nasty husband' and not being invited to weddings and asking how to prevent her from seeing her father. What did or did not happen years ago is not germane to what's going on NOW. Let bygones by bygones in terms of 'slaps in the face' and your sister 'hating you' and your mother having an affair ages ago meaning your father may or may not be your biological father. He's the man you loved and who raised you, so who cares? If you do care a lot, have a DNA test done and put that matter to rest, one way or another, for good.

Have a chat with your sister and say 'let's let bygones be bygones' and start fresh as of today. Let's both chip in to care for dad to the best of our ability because he doesn't want to live in a nursing home, so let's try to keep him out of one for as long as humanly possible. That's not to say it's 'forever' or that you'll 'never' place him, because you are trying to be reasonable moving forward, ridding yourself of negativity altogether. That's the key to good relationships and to harmony in life: getting rid of negativity. There may come a day when you physically cannot care for dad at home anymore and then you won't have a choice about placing him. So all those 'shoving him in a home' statements will have to fall by the wayside anyway, so now is a good time to get rid of that negative thinking. "Never" and "forever" are words to get rid of in everyone's vocabulary, lest we wind up eating our words one day, which is never fun.

Keep an open mind and be more accepting of your sister, with all of her warts and her husband who's not perfect. Therein lies the possibility that the two of of you can become friends and get along together, for dad's sake if nothing else. I hope so. Try not to take your sister's treatment of you so personally; it may be more of a reflection of HER inner turmoil than a statement about YOU to begin with. That is often the case when we see others acting out in a not-so-lovely way. #Truth.

Best of luck.

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My sister treats dad's house as a care home. How do I deal with this?

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