I'm dad's full-time caregiver. My sister 7 years older than me lives over the road. She offered a little help at the start but when things got worse with dad (he has vascular parkinsonism) she started to distance herself & leave me to it. I asked for her help when I was having burnout. She accused me of emotional abuse. Didn't realize it was burnout until I contacted a social worker crying. I didn't want dad to go in a home but that is what my sister suggested. The social worker organized more caregivers during the night as dad is double incontinent & must have two people to maneuver him. I was struggling to change him myself. I deal with everything. My sister lives over the road & now just pops in once or twice a week, lucky if it's an hour. She is the visitor & I am the caregiver. She helps herself to tea or coffee, makes dad a drink, but doesn't offer to make me a drink. She goes away on holidays & doesn't even text to see if he's ok. This is now really getting under my skin. If I bring up how I feel she responds by saying horrible things, have her daughter take a go at me or she will disappear until I let her know dad's been ill. That's been the pattern so far. As it's dad's house so I have no say. I disappear upstairs out of the way. I feel totally ignored and disrespected by my sister, her husband & grown kids. I wasn't invited to my niece's wedding & my sister just made a comment that "we understand you can't get someone to sit with dad.” This hurt me so I'm cutting my ties from her. This all stems from my sister & cousin's believing I am not my dad's daughter. Mum (whose passed) had an affair & they believe I was someone else's. Also, her husband hit my dad in the face years ago. Her husband is a nasty man & I believe he is the main culprit to keeping me & my sister apart, but now the way my sister treats me I believe she has hated me all along. So, I am looking after dad as we have always been close & he's done a lot for me & my daughter. So, to care for him has come naturally. My daughter helps as well. But I just don't know how to deal with my sister & I can't escape it as I can't stop her from seeing dad. I just feel she's treating me like the ugly sisters in Cinderella. She doesn't value me at all & it's getting me down. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
This is all getting out of proportion. What it comes down to is that you believe your father should remain at home, your sister believes he should be in residential care, and when you put pressure on her to share in the sacrifices that you are making she resents it. I've no idea whether she values you or not, but the real issue is that she doesn't *agree.* You feel she doesn't respect you, but what respect have you shown her?
You wrote: "I didn't want dad to go in a home because my sister suggested him to go in a care home." I assume you didn't actually mean that the *reason* you decided against residential care was that your sister was in favour of it? I assume it was because you didn't like the thought of it for other reasons?
How is your Dad at the moment?
Are you still in touch with the social worker?
If your Dad enjoys the visits from your sister, I would stop impede this. You don't have to go upstairs and disappear...you can stay right next to his bedside during the entire visit and see how she reacts to that.
But the main issue is your burnout. Stop being a martyr. My MIL is in a lovely facility run by the Presbyterian Church (not her religion) and gets excellent care on Medicaid. She enjoys the increased social interaction with other people. She gets all the care she needs and it's 3 miles from my house. Believe it or not, YOU may not be the best care solution for your Dad. You are burning out and this bad for both of you. Maybe your sister isn't helping because she doesn't want to enable something that she strongly disagrees with: keeping him cloistered in his home and watching you burn out. She's under no obligation to help you. You need to stop wanting or expecting it. Now make a decision. I wish you much clarity and wisdom, and peace in your heart!
Homes today are not like those of 50 years ago, personally I see no reason to not at least explore your options.
What are you planning to do to support yourself after your father dies? How will you afford to live?
It is not so much about today, it is about planning for your tomorrow.
It doesn't matter if the sibling lives just down the block or half way around the world, family dynamic still come into play.
You need to do what is best for your Dad. He might be happier being around people from his own generation, and away from family disagreements, of which there sounds like there are many.
With your Dad being a care facility, you can once again be his "daughter" instead of his "caregiver".
While Dads still with you, do a DNA test. This will prove one way or another if your Dads child. You may not care but others seem to.
Have a chat with your sister and say 'let's let bygones be bygones' and start fresh as of today. Let's both chip in to care for dad to the best of our ability because he doesn't want to live in a nursing home, so let's try to keep him out of one for as long as humanly possible. That's not to say it's 'forever' or that you'll 'never' place him, because you are trying to be reasonable moving forward, ridding yourself of negativity altogether. That's the key to good relationships and to harmony in life: getting rid of negativity. There may come a day when you physically cannot care for dad at home anymore and then you won't have a choice about placing him. So all those 'shoving him in a home' statements will have to fall by the wayside anyway, so now is a good time to get rid of that negative thinking. "Never" and "forever" are words to get rid of in everyone's vocabulary, lest we wind up eating our words one day, which is never fun.
Keep an open mind and be more accepting of your sister, with all of her warts and her husband who's not perfect. Therein lies the possibility that the two of of you can become friends and get along together, for dad's sake if nothing else. I hope so. Try not to take your sister's treatment of you so personally; it may be more of a reflection of HER inner turmoil than a statement about YOU to begin with. That is often the case when we see others acting out in a not-so-lovely way. #Truth.
Best of luck.