Nosy neighbor thinks my father needs home health care, but he doesn't. I'm afraid she'll falsely accuse me of abuse or neglect. Advice?

I can think of a couple of tactics.

1. Invite her to call APS. Tell her you are pretty sure dad is getting all the help he needs but would be happy for a professional outside opinion. HER opinion is not the professional one.

2. Get dad a "needs assessme t" from the local Area Agency on Aging. Again, they will give a dispassionate professional opinion on dad's real needs.

Neither APS nor thr AAA is going to turn your life upside down.

Next time she walks into the house uninvited pick up your phone and call 911 and say that there is an intruder, it is your neighbor but they have trespassed and you need help getting them to leave.
Let her call APS
If you have nothing to worry about the investigation will lead no where.
continue taking care of your dad just as you have.
If there is an investigation welcome them, let them do what they need to do.

"She has convinced herself my father needs home health care..." does this mean in-home aid other than yourself? What exactly is it *specifically* that she's identified as being the concern? Based on what proof? You don't have to defend yourself if she has no hard proof of anything. Maybe she's angling for a private pay job her herself? Or she is having her own mental health issues?

If you've spoken to her about it already and she still ignores you, this is a problem. But I get the impression from your post that you haven't brought it up to her yet. Tell her exactly what you've told us here and lay out the boundaries in a diplomatic way. Then if she continues to roll over your boundaries you can begin to make the case for a restraining order. Or maybe she'll get the picture and back off. I'm partial to sending people messages in writing so there's proof of what was said and when and how they responded. So, consider asking for her email address. Maybe it's time to install a Ring camera doorbell and some other security measures (which may come in handy for your dad's care as well). He should pay for it.

If you ask her to stop and then she doesn't, then she gets warned by you with what will happen next (a call to the police for trespassing and invasion of privacy, etc). Then you must follow through with the consequences. She may not be just "nosey", but maybe has a mental health issue or is old enough to maybe have some cognitive issues herself. A Ring doorbell will provide all the proof you need. They are affordable and easy to install. Wishing you success!

I am assuming you live with Dad and since you work from home, he really doesn't need a caregiver. She maybe angling for a job. You are probably going to need to be blunt. Dad no longer wants her popping in and she is disrupted to your work.

Those Ring things look neat. Thinking about buying my own. Keep the door locked. The Ring thing will tape what is said. Next time she comes over tell her that you and Dad would rather she not visit anymore, maybe starting with I am sorry. She upsets Dad and you work from home and you are having a problem getting a project done. If she gets started, tell her you are really not interested because you are Dads Caregiver. If she continues to come over you will consider it harrassment and go from there. You may want to say, too, that if Dad needed a Caregiver you would not be hiring her.
Some people you have to be blunt with, thats the only way u can get thru. Yes, you will upset her or she will get mad. After the initial conversation, do not talk to her again. Just don't answer the door or the phone. If she continues, call the police and see what you can do about her. Maybe an officer talking to her will be enough.

If she calls APS, just allow them to investigate. They will find out that Dad is living in a clean house. He is clean and there is food in the frig and cabinets. And you are there. You explain to them how this woman is. She may need APS. You then have it on record.

Hi Kay, my story has nothing to do with the elderly. But, when I moved to a new town once - a local neighbor (a man) acted similarly to me.

He'd walk right in when I was carrying groceries in, etc.
Came over all the time uninvited. Ran after me when I got mail, followed me to the store, etc.

Talked to the police, they said a restraining order was not possible under the circumstances according to the law in that state - so I figured out another way.

My solution: The next time he came to the door - I opened it - then SLAMMED it shut.

When I saw him in public, I turned around and walked away. Even left a shopping cart full of groceries once and left the store.

He got the message - and left me alone. Never bothered me again.

Lesson learned:
Some times you need to be very obnoxious with people and not worry about being polite or neighborly.
We tend to be too nice and that's not always a good thing.
Be firm, and get this behavior stopped by her once and for all.

The opinions of a retired caregiver carries no extra weight with anyone. It sounds like Dad is well cared for, plus you're there all the time anyway, so what would home health care accomplish?

If this busybody wants to report you to the authorities, let her. Someone reported my folks to the police for a welfare check, and the police asked to come in the house. They talked to each of my parents and asked to see the inside of their refrigerator to ensure they had adequate food. They also called me and my brother to ask if everything was OK. (I had been there earlier that day and was up there weekly! My brother lived a mile away.)

My father was mortified, and since he was still driving and doing all the grocery shopping, food preparation and laundry, plus attending church and Rotary meetings weekly, the whole thing was absurd, and the police said as much. We never did find out who called, but it was a nonstarter for the nosy person who called.

The only suggestion I'd make is to try to get Dad to go to the walker full-time. A cane is pretty useless over all, and if he starts to fall, he'll pivot and fall sideways. It doesn't help at all. A walker is more stable.

I especially like BarbBrooklyn's suggestion:   invite (or as I'd up the issue:  challenge her) to contact APS.    Put her on the spot.

The best way to discredit her is to involve an agency which can make an independent assessment.

Also, keep the doors locked; maybe put up a "no trespassing" sign, and either send her a letter (certified mail) or ask an attorney to do it advising her in polite terms to "mind her own business."

You and your father, since your wishes match up, need to attend to this together. Your doing it alone would look VERY suspicious and your father needs to know that your doing this without him could well result in Ms. nosy calling APS. The fact she is a retired medical person does, yes, mean she will be listened to, but APS will want REAL incidents, not generalizations. Be ready to WELCOME APS should they pay a visit and present to them all you presented to us, and let them speak with your Dad. But yes, you need to attend to her and to do it together. Call her and tell her that you and your Dad would love to speak with her; invite her for coffee and scones. When she sits down have your Dad there, then present your wishes but do so in a polite and kindly manner. ie you should say "I understand that you are right next door to dad and I so appreciate that you care about him, and watch out for him, but you interventions with us are becoming a burden to us. Dad has suggested that we meet together. Here is my contact information; please feel free to call it if you feel there might be an emergency next door. But meanwhile I must ask you not to interfere with us; that is my FATHER's WISH and I would ask you to honor his wishes for his own life. We can well appreciate that your job has made you sensitive to the needs of others, but we ask you to honor our wishes and we take full responsibility for any outcomes of asking you.
I would then begin a documentation diary. Because if she is overboard then you may at any time now or in future get interference from APS. Ask your Dad to let you know so you can document any interference.
Wishing you luck.
For myself I might consider asking for her help and giving her small daily brief checks she can do on her own. For instance a 10 a.m. call to your Dad, or a daily stop at the doorway to say a brief Hi and how are you. Having these small tasks may make her feel a part of the team. However, if she is the true busy-body you would eventually have to go the same route I first mentioned anyway.

You can say: "Can I talk to you outside?"
Then walk her right back out of your home and close the door.

You could key your car alarm whenever she comes to the door. Then all the neighbors will be mad at you, but will observe her at your door. Maybe you will hear from other neighbors experiencing similar from her. A real nuisance.

No one's word can carry "more weight" than yours. Don't allow yourself to be bullied or frightened by anyone. You are in your own home, your first line of defense from any intruders. Your father has asked you to forbid her from coming over.

Worst case scenario, you could have an attorney write a letter (a one time expense).
If you are feeling powerless, I believe it is okay to borrow from others until you can stand up for yourself.

Make a note of the days and times she comes over, for future reference. Is there a pattern? Can you talk to her family if they visit?

The problem is the nosy neighbor, not you, not your father. You could call APS to say she is wandering and confused.

I sincerely hope that with us supporting you here, that you can speak up without fear.

I’m with Geeton777 if you haven’t actually heard her out and shown interest yet in her concerns do that first. This doesn’t mean you need to do anything or justify yourself by explaining how you are satisfying everything she says, just show interest in her “expert” advice so she at least feels “heard”. You could even consider doing it with Dad present as well, invite her over for tea. If this doesn’t help or you have already done this and she’s still doing her thing then I would get more forcefully pro-active and tell her if she doesn’t respect yours and your fathers boundaries (no more walking in the house, calling and getting permission before coming over unless it’s an emergency or no more coming over unless specifically invited, whatever works best for Dad and you) you will call the authorities and then don’t hesitate to do that. Call your local police department and file a complaint, trespassing, harassment whatever they suggest. I don’t know where you live but town department police officers do this all the time, they will go out and have a conversation with your neighbor, laying down the law, in an effort to keep things from escalating. The fact that you have made every effort will go a long way for them but you could just do it now as well, sometimes it takes an officer explaining the err of their ways to get nosey neighbors to learn. Especially when they come to get the story from you first and can see you aren’t unreasonable and the situation looks fine to them (including your dad in conversation with them) 9 times out of 10 they can warn that neighbor away from filing any sort of complaint or report because the officer has already satisfied themselves it doesn’t warrant this…

You know her assertion is wrong and you know he isn’t in danger or neglected so while yes it might be a PIA there really isn’t anything to fear by her reporting you if it came to that, especially since he sounds perfectly capable of speaking for himself. Being a retired Home Health Aid doesn’t give her or her views any special clout.

As I read this it occurred to me too that perhaps she is either looking for a convent job or needs to help so much it drives her too far.

My secret weapon with dealing with bossy opinionated people:

”I’ll think about it!” Say it with a smile. Don’t say anything else. Just listen, and at the end say, “I’ll think about it!” It will only take a few times before she figures out that “I’ll think about it” = “Mind your own business”.

Kayla,
Is there a possibility that your father had depended on the retired caregiver in the past, prior to your arrival?

Maybe there was a romantic interest brewing, and she felt welcome before?

Your father may not want to mention this to you, or even admit to it.

Take charge, express his direction to forbid her entrance. Say it just outside the door. Those are his wishes. Ask her where she got any idea that she could just walk into someone's home. But you don't have to say that part.

In what way did she also feel it is okay to insult you?

Please go over to her home and explain that you and your father do not want her to come over uninvited. Explain that if she does, you will place a restraining order with the police. I feel for her since she probably feels without purpose since she retired. I am hoping she will get the idea that she needs to "stop working on your father's case".

If your father wants her not to come over any more, let your father tell her that. It's his house, yes?

She probably thinks she's being helpful and supportive. Quite a lot of extremely annoying people do.

Is the unrelated matter anything important? - did you and she "have words" about it or are you just privately seething?

It's very possible the lady was welcome into the home before you moved in. Maybe dad even depended on her a little more than you were aware of. One thing you said stood out to me: running errands. Your dad is somewhat feeble and she sees your car leave the house. It may be a quick trip to a nearby store, less than 15 minutes. Perhaps to pick up groceries, up to an hour. Let me just share another perspective of this.

I am a 24/7 caregiver. Most of the time I get groceries delivered. Occasionally, I run to the very near dollar store - 20 minutes tops being gone. I have found out that the minute I get in the car, my mom calls someone. One of the siblings and quite often the neighbor who lives a few houses a way. She will ask him to come and visit with her while I'm gone. I leave her sitting in her chair and if I know I need to be out about an hour, I put her in the bed. She says she'll stay there, but I've found her back in the living room when I get back and the neighbor guy in the house visiting with her. He finally told me that she calls as soon as I get in the car. If he did not know me, and the situation, as well as he does, I can see him thinking I am leaving her alone and should have someone with her. My mom does not have any sort of dementia and uses a rolling walker to get back and forth on her own all day long for bathroom runs. I tell her to go pee before I walk out the door so she doesn't have to go before I return. She just wants me to be in the house sitting in front of her all day and plays on the phone if I'm not in the house. Thankfully, I have several good neighbors that will help me out when an errand or my own personal appts will take several hours. All their phone numbers are also on her alert button should she fall or call for help. Just wonder if your errands might be a little bit long considering his fall factor from a professional caregiver point of view.

Did y'all ever pay her to help him out, prior to your arrival on the scene? Maybe she just wants to make a few bucks. Before I wrote her off completely, I would try to keep things neighborly. You never know when you might really need her help.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. It has reassured me somewhat and given me some ideas of how to handle the situation. Just to clarify this lady has only lived in the neighborhood a handful of years, I have always lived here, and there is no history between her and my father, and we have never asked or hired her to do anything and do not want to and my father has never called her. We have disliked her habit of barging in and coming over for lengthy visits for a long time but been too polite to do or say anything except give hints that she has missed or ignored until the situation I posted about started. The words I had with her were directed personally at me and my work, they had nothing to do with my father. She said I have no sense of humor because I take my deadlines seriously (I'm a writer). I politely tried to explain to her that there are real legal and financial consequences involved if I miss a deadline and she said "Boy, you like to complain, don't you?" I was not complaining, I love my work, I was merely trying to explain why it important to me both personally and professionally. My work takes no time away from my father, I only work at night, after he is asleep, there are too many distractions during the day and that's the way my brain is wired and always has been, so my work takes nothing from my father and she knows this. I hope I've answered everyone's follow up questions, if I missed anything my apologies. Thank you again for all your help.

Kayla, thank you for the detailed background. Goodness, I feel for you!

What you say makes me suspect even more that she is - dread words - "only trying to help." She isn't concerned that you're neglecting your father. She's concerned that you're neglecting *you.* And you're right, she does think she knows better, and perhaps not wholly without foundation because she will have seen a great many stressful family situations - but she has no business making assumptions about yours. She is intruding.

It is clear that she is no respecter of boundaries or differences, and these need to be brought more and more firmly to her attention until she begins to take heed.

Is she retired and missing her old vocation, do you think? Have you and your father become her project?

Mischievous thought: is there anyone locally you can divert her towards as being in greater need? Gossip freely!

Next time she appears unannounced: "Mrs Busybee, we'll be delighted to welcome you another time but please respect our privacy. This is not a convenient moment. I'd appreciate it if you could come back when invited."

Call adult protective services and ask them to do an assessment and they will tell you on the spot. The person will give you any area your father needs for you if he needs more "attention" or help. You can get a copy of the A.P.S. report. Some caregivers are looking for "perfection" that fits what they "think". It sounds like he needs the help you are giving to suppliment his abilities.

The way she has spoken to me clearly shows she does not respect me or what is important to me and I do not want or need someone like this in my life. It's creating stress and worry in both my father and myself on multiple levels. She will not even respect a simple and repeated request made by my father and also by me to be careful opening the door so our beloved cat does not escape. My father no longer wants her to come over and neither do I. My father has decided to tell her this next time she visits so she will not think it's just me and then I'll come in and speak with her if necessary. If that doesn't work we'll consider firmer action.

Lock your dang door!! You say your dad is pretty self sufficent , and it doesn't sound like he has dementia,, so even if she reports you I don;t see where you have anything to worry about. In fact you could turn this around and tell them about HER behavior, how you feel she is over stepping and won;t leave you both alone. Good luck!

That's easy....RESTRAINING ORDER.
she barges into your home. She is abusive and causing stress to the elder.

Well. There is something the matter with her. By whose standards is it okay to go uninvited into someone else's house and help yourself to their coffee?

What does anyone else in the neighbourhood have to say about her? Are you and your dad her only vict - sorry, friends?

Makes herself a cup of coffee??

She's aiming to marry him and take over.

I would drop the nice act. I would lay hands on her and push her out the door. Forcefully. You are entitled to peace in your own home.

I might consider calling the non-emergency police line to find out if they can have a chat with her, and also what you are entitled to do in your own home--like give her a swift kick in the pants.

Consider cameras.

Kay, you stated in a reply:

"My father has asked her to knock first so she doesn't startle me, she did this once when I had a pot of boiling water, but she ignores him."

So you have already addressed the issue under the assumption that she is "normal" and it didn't work. Now you need to stop "asking" her because it is obvious she is either mentally disordered, deaf, or nefarious.

"There is a law that covers these situations... It is called trespass. Many times, it carries a criminal penalty.

If the neighbor is on your property doing something particularly offensive or dangerous, calling the police is the best and most immediate way of dealing with them. Otherwise, document their trespasses and file a police report. Get dates and times. If you can get photos or statements from people who witnessed the event, that will be of tremendous help. Your neighbor can be fined and ordered to stay off your property."

Source:
https://www.legalzoom.com/articles/neighbor-disputes-what-to-do-when-your-neighbor-invades-your-property

Instruct your father that when he is on the porch if he sees her coming over to shout at her to stop because he doesn't want her on his property at all for any reason. Make a scene so that the other neighbors witness it. Put up No Trespassing signs that face her property. Call the police and keep calling them every time she steps foot in his yard. I think you are hoping for a "nice" resolution to this problem but I don't think there is one. If she's doing this to you and your dad you can be sure she's doing it to others. If you're not willing to do any of these "uncomfortable" things then you will continue to suffer her behavior.

It sounds to me as though your father is sending her mixed messages - telling her to "knock first" is not telling her he doesn't want her in the house, it's actually giving her permission.

My mom locked her doors so automatically that I often found myself locked out when I was cutting the lawn or doing some other outside chores, although it was a little annoying at the time I really didn't mind. Make it a habit to keep a key with you and always lock that door, it's only a few seconds of inconvenience for you and your father to unlock the door. And if your father won't go along with this then I'd begin to think that he is much less reluctant to entertain this woman than he pretends to be.

I've just reread most of the responses here, and really feel I need to share some concerns about some of the suggestions.

1.   I wouldn't encourage the OP to have ANY verbal contact, telling the neighbor this or that.   That doesn't reflect the desire to keep this woman away.  Kayla  needs to sever ALL contact.  I still think an attorney could write a forceful no contact letter, putting her on notice.

2.   When her father sits outside, if she can't be with him, she can give him a duplicate key, check every 5 minutes or so, but keep the door locked so the neighbor can't sneak in.  I hesitate to suggest locking the door b/c it appears as though she may be locking her father out.   If she can, it's better to sit outside with him.  Then she can be there to support him when the woman comes calling.

3.    I still think that a written demand for no contact needs to be considered.   She doesn't have to hire an attorney; she can do this herself and send it certified mail, return receipt requested.

4.  Getting a TRO (Temporary Restraining Order) isn't a "piece of cake.   Kayla and her father would have to appear in court, before a judge, providing evidence on why a TRO would be appropriate.   She would need documented evidence, dates of trespass and notifications to stay away.   She would need to provide evidence of the woman's refusal to comply.   She would more than likely also need to explain why this woman is unwelcome, beyond just being a busybody.

And she would more than likely have to have legal counsel to file a request for a TRO hearing and represent her.  Service of Notice of Hearing would also be required, by someone paid to serve it. 

5.   A PPO (Personal Protection Order) would be easier to get, if they're used in her County.   In my area, my father and went to the County Courthouse, met with a County attorney who offered insight and guidance.  We then executed the order, with a variety of restraining options.   This attorney took the order to a judge, who made a few changes, then signed it.  I don't even recall if we needed to go to the courtroom or just wait somewhere until the PPO was signed.

6.    Police from what I've read are overburdened now, having lost some of their own to the pandemic.    This kind of situation may not rate high on their radar given other more threatening situations that might be occurring.     But I also think that one of an attending officer's first questions would be what Kayla and her father have done to tell this woman she's not welcome.   He/she may even ask if they've sent written notice to the woman.

Don’t worry about it at all. If she calls Adult Protective Services, you can easily demonstrate that your father is in good hands. The state adult and child protection agencies are inundated with false or exaggerated abuse and neglect claims. If you are providing good care, your home is clean and neat, there are no hazards in the home and your father is happy with the current arrangement, you have nothing to worry about.

People who file false abuse and neglect claims can be prosecuted in most states. As a “mandated” reporter, your neighbor knows this.

I recommend that you let your father be the one to tell her that her interference in his life is not appreciated and if you and your dad need her help at some future date, he or you will contact her. If she continues to come to the house, lock the door and don’t answer the bell. It sounds like this woman may be angling for a private duty job at your house.

You or the neighbor need to move. For help getting the neighbor to move, involve other neighbors. Going to be hard on your Dad if you move, but harder when your fears are realized.

I would seriously tell her she is no longer welcome in your house and to stop interfering you need to be tough with her it doesn’t matter if she reports you they are probably too busy to check up anyway but as you are doing your best and your dad is not neglected you have nothing to worry about but be firm with this nosy old buddy

I do not think locking the door is a good response to the problem or your poor Dad may feel under seige and unable to enjoy sitting on his porch etc. Is there a gate that could be locked> do you have any friends with a pit bull or rottweiller who could sit on the porch in a prominent position. Failing that get a lawyer to send her a letter stating that your father and you feel intimidated and threatned by her actions such as barging in univited and she is required to desist or face charges of trespass. Make it a legal threat so you have evidence. Her nursing/care licence could then be under threat do make it a matter of record. Your poor Dad!