Nosy neighbor thinks my father needs home health care, but he doesn't. I'm afraid she'll falsely accuse me of abuse or neglect. Advice?

Have you considered a visit to your father's PCP for him to be evaluated if they feel he needs a home health aide? From what you say, the provider will probably agree with you. You might be able to get a statement in writing saying he is capable of caring for himself with your supervision. This way you will have the backup you need to deal with any legal issues that you are concerned may arise in the future. Sounds like you have already stepped up and provide the services that a home health aid would provide anyway. You could but wouldn't be obligated to show a statement to her (she probably wouldn't even believe it is real).

Ah, the helpful "Christian" neighbor who hides behind her faux Christianity to justify her actions.

Now a lot is very clear -- she's going to evangelize you.

As you already know, you need to cut all contact with her. No acknowledgement of her in any way, including if she's speaking. Call the police every time she sets foot on your property. Document, document, document everything with dates, times, and her actions, including what she's already done.

I was recently rear-ended by a "Christian" woman who was texting, then handed me a card inviting me to her church rather than her insurance information. She was abusive, angry, and blamed me for not being Christian and forgiving of someone who accidentally ran into me -- in a line to get gas! -- everything a Christian shouldn't do. It took me 24 hours and a threat to call the police for hit and run for her to cough up her insurance information. She was the worst person I've ever dealt with.

So, you've got one of those. Call the police, because types like this do fear getting busted more than they love their evangelizing.

maybe you should pre-empt any complaints by her - which clearly aren't necessary but may come from a need of her own being retired. Report her to the police for harassment and trespass and let them go and see her and tell her to stay away.

You know what, as your saga continues with your mentally unstable neighbor, I’m more inclined to think that a restraining order is the way to go. That way, there’s a paper trail, as it were, of you the good guy, and she the bad guy. Then, if she does report you, you have proof that this person has been harassing you and has made an unjustified claim.

I’m sure you would prefer not to go this route, and for her instead to just go away, but judging by her reaction when you both told her to go away, I’d say that she won’t get the message.

Restraining orders make things crystal clear.

Kayla,
Are you still afraid crazy nosy neighbor might report you to APS?

You must still be very stressed and worried.

A friend told me that if a person makes a report to APS, that they also come under scrutiny, and are investigated.

There was a suggestion that you have your father get a needs assessment.
You can get the report in writing, ask the social worker to talk to the neighbor?

This situation may require multiple approaches, some of which may work.

But if it were me, I would be out watering the lawn next time she comes over, with the doors all locked. It was an accident, but I was once talking with a bully neighbor, and accidentally turned the hose on him. He got wet, spread rumors all over the neighborhood that I squirted him. Lol. He never came over to talk at me again.

It worked so well, I thought of installing sprinklers that could be activated from inside the house, or motion activated sprinklers. But he moved.

Bringing this back in the mainstream to respond to Donttestme. 

I found the book, but it's a bit different from what I remember; however, it definitely is a self-assessment and self-help book.   I skimmed through some of the initial portions and found multiple underlined, yellow highlighting and comments, and remember that for sure it's the book to which I referred.

It's  "Smart Cookies Don't Crumble", by Sonya Friedman.  Despite the cutesy title, it's very realistic, addressing a lot of issues that women face, that keep us from moving forward, how to say "no", create a second chance, how to change in the face of adversity (and people) and more.  She also addresses the "traps" that constrain us.

It was copyrighted in 1985, so it's an old book, and it does address women's issues at that time, including the women's revolution and how that affected women, and men.
 
I read a current review which isn't very flattering, and I won't deny that glitzy titles and suggestions are used, but I recall finding the basic message worthwhile.

It's still available though.  Let me know what you think of it.  I think I'll read it again just to remind myself what's possible.

Kayla, you need to call the police and ask how to handle this. This woman has a mental problem. I think she may see your Dad as someone she would like a relationship with and sees you as standing in her way. Maybe an officer can be sent to her house to tell her a complaint has been made and she is no longer allowed on your property at all. If she does not abide by that, then you get what ever u need to legally keep her off the property. This is it, no next time. She has been told you must carry thru.

I realize that the house is Dads but you have lived there for a while and as such its your home. You are the one who cares for Dad, makes the meals, cleans the house, etc. Its as much ur house as Dads and I bet he sees it that way too. This woman has no idea if ur on the deed or not. So, start acting like its your house. I think you have been looking at it as Dads house so you back off.

Keep those doors locked. I lock my storm door and keep the wood one open.

In response to neighbor's comment: "everyone needs help", I agree that the nosy neighbor needs help.
You could try contacting the leadership of her place of worship.

Maybe they will come and make a home visit.

Shame on my computer and Internet - I was just tricked into believing I had lost my last lengthy response.  

ITRR and Barb, you've made good points, which I missed.     As I  think over the situation, you're both right on the assessment of mentally ill.     The OP needs to take immediate action to prevent something worse from happening.

ITRR, I think the best injunctive relief would be preventative, as you suggest.   If the local county issues PPOs, that would work, if the judge agrees to the conditions the OP and her father want and doesn't diminish the protection. 

The best part of a PPO is that it has injunctive capacity but the requesting parties don't need to actually appear before a judge in a hearing, as a TRO used to (and probably still does) require.

It acted as a restraining order when we got one, several years ago.    The individual was prohibited from any type of contact, electronic, personal, letters, phone or other means, and from being w/I a certain distance radius from the home.

We got one, worked out the details with the attorney who staffed the PPO office, and who took it to the judge, who then changed some of the conditions.  Still, we were sufficiently.

Thanks to both of you for pointing out the issues you addressed.


And thanks for raising my consciousness to another issue, that of someone who was (and still may be) a man friend of one of my father's neighbors.   He claims to have dated her for 5 years, and he wanted Dad's house to rehab for his GF's daughter and kids.  

He rushed over one day after I had been working for several hours with one of my contractors, taking down a garden storage shed and disposing of all the contents. 

It was a hot day, I was tired, ready to go home, when this guy came running over, went to my father's shed and tried to open the door.  Then he did the same at the front door.   I always keep ALL the doors locked, so he couldn't get in. But it didn't stop him from trying.

Then he initiated a conversation, stating he wanted to buy the house (inside sight unseen) for the daughter and 3 grandkids of his alleged GF, whom he claimed to have been dating for 5 years.  (He did have access to her house, ran over and brought back a bottle of water to help me cool down.)

That's not unusual; others have claimed interest in buying, again, sight unseen. (I think the lake access was a factor in their enthusiasm.)   I refused to allow him to see the house.  He really tried to "butter me up" but I got tired of it and cut the conversation short.

It never occurred to me that he was anything but pushy and aggressive.  Now I wonder.  

This person is mentally ill.

Probably not dangerous, but I would call the local police and talk to the non-emergency folks about how she is harrassing you and dad.

Next time she "barges" in, don't engage. Call 911 and report trespassing. While she is there, in her hearing.

If she does it again, call 911 and report an intruder.

Another thought:  you wrote that she chose an inconvenient time to visit.  Would she have been aware this was not a good time?  If so, I'm guessing she chose that time deliberately.

Kayla, I also appreciate your update, as well as your courage in standing up to this bully.    I do think though that you're too polite, but that reflects better on you than on her.

Years ago I discovered a good book; if I remember correctly (w/o digging into my book library), it was this one:

https://books.google.com/books/about/Coping_with_Difficult_People.html?id=DNaiLbycVm0C&source=kp_cover

There's another good book on a similar topic, written by a woman psychologist (I think), but I'll have to check my "library" to get her name.  It was also interesting, providing insights into why some people attempt to dominate others.   Unfortunately, I don't remember any of those wise insights!

Congratulate yourself and your father on taking these strong steps.  I don't mean to squelch your enthusiasm, but this woman is not going to stop.  There's a battle to be fought (in her opinion) and she intends to win.   Unfortunately, stronger measures will be required.

One good suggestion I do remember, from the first author as well as my sister, who was a psychiatric nurse and dealt with a lot of challenging patients and people, is "DON'T ENGAGE a control freak."   Over the years, I've learned how insightful this is.

Practice another response, as I'm sure this human Jaws is preparing for another attack.   Something simple, like "the issue's not open to discussion.  Leave, NOW."    But you also have to stop her from coming into the house.  This is SO arrogant, aggressive, manipulative, controlling and offensive.

You might even throw her words back in her face.  She said "everyone  needs help"; respond with something like, "Yes, and you're no exception.  When ARE you going to get help for your aggressive meddling in our lives?"  

The change of topic to weeds to me reflects that she doesn't want to engage in a conversation about her own behavior.   It was a deliberate shift, while refusing to address legitimate concerns and babbling on about weeds.   I think you got to her on some level, and she shifted gears to avoid responding.

Something else you can do, if she pushes her way inside again, is to turn on your phone (if it's a cell) or walk to the landline phone, turn away so she can't see you NOT dialing, and pretend you're calling the police, stating that there's a woman who entered your house w/o your permission, and is threatening you and your father.   State her name, where she lives, and ask for help.

I think that might shake her up.   If she raises the issue the  next time she invades, you can tell her that the police were on their way when you called back to let them know you had left the house.

Update. Well we spoke to Mary a.k.a. the Neighbor from Hell. It did not go well. She chose an inconvenient time to visit, but we decided to get it over with. She basically laughed in our faces. My father spoke to her first and explained "thank you for your concern but I don't need a home health aide..." she cut him off when he was trying to tell her his reasons, laughing the whole time, and said "yes you do, everyone needs help!" I then stepped in, but she made a point of ignoring me, turning to face my father, and talking about gardening. I said "excuse me, that's very rude, I'm trying to tell you something..." I might as well have been invisible. She completely ignored me and kept talking about the weeds in her garden. Then someone we were expecting came to the door and I had to step out to speak with them. This involved an update on an almost lifelong family friend who is dying so I could not put this off. When I returned a few minutes later my father was speaking very sternly to Mary about the way she had just treated me as well as the previous occasions she insulted me, she'd made it clear how she felt about me and I didn't want anything more to do with her and he didn't want anything to do with someone who feels that way about his daughter, and she was upsetting us both with her badgering about a home health aide, and her rude habit of just walking in, and we'd rather she didn't come over anymore. As soon as I came back in, after hearing some very bad news, Mary got right up in my face, laughing the whole time, and asked me if I wanted to pray with her. To be clear, she did not know I had just received bad news, my father had said something about her presenting herself as a good christian woman but not acting like it in the way she'd treated me and she was responding to that. I could tell she was making fun of me and I was not in the mood for it. I told her rather firmly that no I did not want to pray with her, I had just heard bad news and I was not feeling well, and I just wanted her to leave, she just laughed in my face and then turned back to my father and like a tattling child says "see? she doesn't want to pray with me!" Like the whole thing was all my fault. She then shoved her coffee cup (she'd helped herself again) into my hands, if I hadn't taken it it would have fallen and broken, and walked out laughing. We'll see if she comes back and if she's still laughing when I have to ask the police or a lawyer to intervene.

We love updates. Thank you very much.

Kayla, thanks for the update.   I'm glad you and your father have developed a plan.

May I offer a suggestion?  Have another person present, someone who is neutral in terms of siding with either of you.  

Or video and audio record the "meeting".   That way you have proof.  Otherwise, it's just down to "Dad said/she said" and "I listened", which can't be documented but could be refuted.

Good luck with the "come to reality" meeting.

Thank you to everyone who replied. My apologies for not posting again sooner. The neighbor from hell has not been back yet, but when she does come again my father will be speaking to her and I will be backing him up. I will post an update then. We plan to be very firm and direct with her and make it clear that we are serious about this. If she doesn't abide by our wishes we'll ask the police to intervene or perhaps a lawyer, I will also speak to the doctor when my father has his next appointment.
As for the neighbor, to answer some of your questions, I believe she is in her early 60s, she is not angling for a job, she's said several times she's glad to be retired, she's just nosy and thinks she knows everything, she has family, grandchildren, friends, and is active in her church, though some of these visits and activities have been impacted by COVID. As far as I know, she hates the people who live directly next door to her, and got them in trouble with the city because of their messy yard, beyond this, again as far as I know, I don't know of anyone else in the neighborhood she bothers or visits.

You have been nice in attempting to deal with this stranger. Now is time to set boundaries.

First, I would put up a 2 signs, both in BIG BOLD LETTERS; 1 sign visible before she can step onto your property and another somewhere by the front entry so she can see it before she enters the house:
NO TRESPASSING
FAMILY MEMBERS ONLY

The signage is to put ANYONE on notice. If she chooses to ignore it, legally she is trespassing, and you can call the police. Just say: "excuse me, there is no trespassing signage and you are trespassing. I will now be calling the police". When they do arrive, tell them that the neighbor continually is trespassing upon your property and into your home, she is not invited nor welcomed, she has been informed of such, and she continues to trespass.

Second, I wouldn't engage in ANY conversation with her whatsoever. If she says something to you, do not respond or engage. Just ignore her. If she slings mean things your way, do not respond or engage. She must be a very lonely angry unhappy individual to be doing these things.

Personally, I find it EXTREMELY rude for someone to enter someone else's home uninvited and start making themselves at home by making a cup of coffee.

From the sounds of it, it seems as if you have everything in order for your dad. Make sure you have all the things he needs for his age and condition (grab bars in bathroom, no rugs where he could trip and fall, subscribe to and have a Medical Alert button on him so in case something happens when you are not present (taking a shower, running up to the store, etc), he has a way to notify someone if he needs help, healthy groceries, so forth and so on). I do agree that it might help to have him professionally assessed - that way you can see where you might need to tweak things or issues you might come up against- these are services that you contact, you pay, they perform the assessment, and the results stay with you.

Do not let this neighbor bully you with fear and intimidation - which is what she is doing. Shame on her.

It sounds like to me she wants you to take her home health aide service. If you want to get her off your back, you might want to hire another home health aide to come out only a few times a week. I would let her in for now. I think that once she sees you have a home health aide, maybe she'll leave you alone. Or you could move if you want to as a last resort.

You don't have anything to worry about.

Are you sure the nosey neighbor just doesn't need the money and trying to get you to hire her?
If tgat'a not the case, let her know that she is not allowed to cone in to the home without being invited and it's upsetting to both you and your father and if she ever does it again, ya'll can't be friends any longer and she will no longer be welcomed in your home.

Just in case she decides to do something like turn you in to Adult Protective Services, just send a certified letter stating everything above and be sure to keep a copy.

kaylaP73: Imho, that is considered unlawful entry, i.e. this individual just walking in.

Kayla, please update!

I wouldnt worry about her reporting you. Your father is able to speak on your behalf. If the house is maintained and food in the fridge, any inspection would not show an issue.
She sounds a bit dangerous to just walk into your house. Does she have any family? Sounds like she isnt handling retirement well and is used to being a bossy care aid. Maybe tell her about volunteer opportunities at local nursing homes.
Dont hesitate to keep doors locked and lights off and not answer door.

Has the OP been back?

She's a bully and you need to tell her to stop. Write a letter, drop it in the letterbox and don't respond to her any more. If she ups the anti, and sends people around to check on your father, they will see that you are both coping, he sounds to be in very good form.
Stand up to her and then be done with her. People like this love the drama so don't give her any.

Talk to your father's GP if you feel that you need an expert to back you up, I'd ring the local police station and report that I am having issues with my neighbour, who is making demands on how I care for my father, just let them know, this is a case of getting in first, so that when/if she does try to escalate things, people are aware of her actions.

Just inform her she is not welcome there anymore because her attitude is not welcome.

If she contacts social services you will gladly welcome them in there and when they find the accusations unfounded your lawyer will see her in court and sue her @ss of.

I have the neighbours from Hell and the only way to get along with them is to be frim and let them know I will not tolerate their crap. Now there is no problem between us.

I LIKE your father's idea! You could also tell her she is trespassing on your property and you will call the authorities on her if she does not STOP harassing you and your father. If she makes any false statements against you tell her you will report her for that too. She is the one who will be in trouble not you!

You are doing a wonderful job! God Bless You and your Father!!!

And on top of all the helpful ideas consider always locking your doors, even if you feel you live in a 'safe' area; you never know, have a spare key hidden where only you or a trusted friend would know. Put a Do Not Disturb sign on your door if there is a pattern to when nosy neighbor tends to barge in; that is rude and borders on home invasion. She may be so in the habit of 'being helpful' now that she's retired she's either gone 'round the bend herself (ill on some level) or missing her old work. Protect yourself and make her just a 'waving neighbor', no more. Make it stick. Take good care of yourself and your father; neighbor needs redirection, even if the authorities must get involved.

Your neighbor can't legally enter your father's house unless your father permits it. The next time your neighbor tries to come over, tell him to mind his own business and to leave your father's property. Politely but firmly express the fact that he has no right to harass you or your father, and inform him that the next time he comes over, you are calling the police, as you will consider it trespassing and harassment. Despite someone's background, they cannot break the law. He could call the APC on you, but they will just come by and check on him. There is nothing to worry about, but you need to know and flex your rights. I had my neighbor call the APC on my aunt, and they came by to see her and that was it. I politely informed them that if that same neighbor called in anonymously again, that I was filing harassment charges with our local police department. They nodded at me and said that they would inform him. Fun fact by the way, even if you file a claim anonymously for elderly abuse or neglect, they will have your name. Your phone number is traceable as well... so... not really anonymous is it?

Bottom line.... have your dad tell nosey neighbor 1 last time that from now on, you'll be calling police each and every time she comes over uninvited. Then do it as soon as she walks in so she knows you're serious! Block her phone# so she can't call as well.
In the meantime, Call APS tell them your problem with the nosy neighbor, and want it documented that he is fine and in no danger and well taken care of. Then call police, tell them what APS said and that you want it documented that you have asked neighbor to stay away but she refuses and that from now on, you'll be calling police to report her trespassing. In the meantime, keep a nosey neighbor diary to help in this matter. Eventually, either the cop or an attorney can get moore involved. Good luck to you and your dad.