Nosy neighbor thinks my father needs home health care, but he doesn't. I'm afraid she'll falsely accuse me of abuse or neglect. Advice?

I would consider making a loose log/diary and back date it. Put in the times this person has barged in and her insults - try to place when they happened if you can. Write down how it makes you and your dad feel. Then when you have done that, cut all ties.
If she is vindictive and tries to make trouble then you and your father can explain to whoever. The fact that you have notes that relate to before she reported any issues means you have credibility.
To me it sounds like you neighbour has mental health problems and not enough to do.
Good luck.

In case no one has suggested this (i have not read 31 responses), asking the police to intervene might help. Doing so means you preempt her from contacting the police on you and you have a police report to show that you have tried to resolve this issue in a civil manner. With that report, you could ask the court for a restraining order if the problem continues, which I assume it will until this nutcase is put on some chill pills.

Whatever her reasons are- from she's either genuinely concerned to she's an insufferable busybody - you and dad have the absolute right to decide who is welcome in your/his home.

Personally, if she's watching by the windows for when your dad goes to sit on his porch and then running to the house - well, I would consider that borderline stalking.

If I were you, and I had told her that she isn't welcome in the home and she can't/won't listen, then my next step is calling 911.

When the police come, tell them - as calmly as you can - what's been going on, and for how long. And yes, this is where a log/diary would come in handy, Specifics will help your case. Rather than statements like "she always comes over uninvited" statements such as "3 days this week, (list the days and times) she entered the home while my dad was sitting outside, without his permission. When we told her to leave, she became argumentative". Give specific details.

Tell the responding officers your concerns that she is going to call APS as retaliation. Ask them to make a complaint report about the incident; ask if there's any way they can indicate, either in the report or in their memo books, that your dad is well taken care of with no indication of elder abuse; in that way, if she does call APS YOU have proof that it's for retaliation purposes and not out of any genuine concern for your dad's well being. I imagine your intent is not to have this woman arrested, but rather to have the behavior stopped. If you feel "funny" calling 911 (because you don't want to bother the police/you think this isn't an emergency) then you can call the non-emergency number, but I would strongly urge you to call 911.

Anytime someone other than a person in your "inner circle" - someone who has a standing invitation to enter your home whenever they want - someone barging into your home, even someone you know, should raise your suspicion level. Not every 911 call amounts to the police running into the situation with guns drawn. "Disputes" between neighbors is a fairly common 911 call police respond to. A lot of how the police enter the situation is going to depend on what you tell the 911 dispatcher - if you say you have a person who "forced their way" into your home is going to be a different response than "I have a neighbor I'm having a problem with - she's here uninvited again and I want it to stop; but we're not in any immediate danger".

I would agree with the poster who thinks this lady is looking for a convenient job - "your dad needs at home caregiving, and look! I just happen to be a retired caregiver living across the street, isn't that convenient?" But her reasons aren't important to the situation - what is important is that you and dad don't want her in your home, and you have that right.

Good luck!

Tell her to stop visiting. If you are convinced his care is adequate let her call social services..They would see you are right and she is wrong. She might be wanting a part time ..close by.. job!! You owe her nothing. P.S. if this gal will not stay away call the police..they will tell her back off or she could be charged with stalking..

Don't live in fear of her reporting you. IF she reports and IF someone would come to your home, he/she would see there's no problem. Perhaps, they could set the neighbor straight. Actually, it might be a good thing.
Why does she think Dad needs home health care? Sounds like she's lonely and focused on home health. Have you spoken to her about why? Maybe she would cease with an explanation from you and a point blank "Dad doesn't need home health and we don't want to hear any more on the subject. Dad is fairly independent and I assist him with any other needs."
Best wishes.

First, if you haven't, explain calmly that you understand her concern but you would like it if she not enter your home or disturb you all. She is actually trespassing and it sounds like bullying or stalking. Like if you don't listen to her or let her in she will call whoever on you. You're worried but it sounds like she's very much in the wrong and what you're doing is normal. Like others have said you need to log or call the police when she tries to come over or when she is harrassing you all and file a complaint. And how can she just barge in with the doors locked? That's criminal and breaking and entering...You have a lot of things in your favor but you cannot feel intimidated or like you have no rights in your own house. Sounds like for both of you all you need to really distance yourself from this person and it's probably overdue that you need to get outside help to get this person away from you all. Personally I can't imagine someone getting in my house when the door is locked. That sounds like burglary and it's unfortunate but you have rights to protect yourself your dad and your home. Obviously she has some mental issues but file your reports so you get your complaints with the police or get a restraining order. What happens if you leave the house and your dad is there and she tries to break in... He might get upset or stressed, fall, or anything tragic can happen because you did not respond immediately to the harassment. Do not be a prisoner to her antics. Protect your home and sanity. You should not be stressed about this person. Good Luck.

I would see about putting a restraining order on her. She has no right to barge in your home for any reason without consent.

Another thing... You don't owe anyone a explanation of what your doing in your house with your dad. That's absurd. She's not a judge or jury of anything or anyone. How can you invite someone over to talk that barges in when the door is locked? That doesn't make sense. With all due respect to some of the responses... She's not going to stop unless either both of you tell her in no uncertain terms she is not welcome or you get the police involved. Even if she has a family member that is sane maybe you can explain to them what is going on and how you are very uncomfortable with what she is doing. But, inviting her over for tea and all of that is so beyond what it sounds like is going on... And I've never heard of not liking a person who is harassing you, stalking you, trying to be in your personal space when not wanted being invited over for tea or invited over period.... Just my opinion...

I would "sweetly" tell her he is being monitored by medical doctors in every way and you are attuned to the fact that if they say so, you will take appropriate action at once - whatever that is. Say they are the experts and I listen to them. And "thank her" for caring but tell her you are on top of it. Also, keep your doors locked at all times so she can't just barge in and don't answer your calls. If she confronts you, tell her you were doing something for/with your father and/or you were working. She should get the picture soon enough. If nothing stops her and she keeps causing trouble possibly see an attorney for a restraining order. In the meantime, ignore her.

Lock your doors so that the neighbor (or anyone else) can't just walk into your house). If the neighbor is harassing your father while he's outside like JoAnn29 says lower down on the thread, tell her to go and that you will call the police.
Have a talk with this neighbor and tell her very plainly that you and your father will not tolerate her intrusiveness and harassment and that you'll call the police if she doesn't stop. Make sure to add that you've already spoken to the police (do it) and it's on record with them that you're speaking with her about it.
Let her know that you and your father don't want any communication with her and that you will get a restraining order against her if she makes one necessary.
If she's a retired home/health aide she's very likely looking for a little cash-pay work on the side and that is why she won't leave you and your father alone.
You do what I'm telling you here and it will keep her away.

Make sure that all of your father's paperwork is in order. This will protect him and you. He needs powers of attorney for medical and financial decisions, a living will with his medical directives, a will if he has assets, the POA needs to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on his behalf. This can be done with a phone call with him and the POA there - he would have to agree verbally over the phone. Banks, credit card companies and other financial institutions also often have their own POA forms. Get a credit card on his account with your name on it so that you can purchase things for him. The POA should also set up online accounts with the bank, credit card, medicare, etc. so that things can be easily set up and managed online. You may need an attorney to assist with the legal papers. Regarding your neighbor, keep your door locked and be polite but firm with her. If you are busy with work, you can let her know that you need to have your work time respected. When you have time and if you want to do this, speak with her about it, and ask her why she thinks he needs home care. She may have some reasons for thinking this is needed that you are not experienced enough to recognize. Tell her you and your father will consider her advice. If things get too difficult for you to handle by yourself, get connected with a local social worker and senior networks who can advise you and your father about home care and other options for seniors.

It sounds like your father's needs are being met and he is safe and healthy with your current arrangement, so a nosy, intrusive neighbor's report of abuse might result in the inconvenience of a home wellness check, but would be dismissed b/c you are handling things well already.
Your neighbor's interference must be very distressing. Maybe she would calm down if you thanked her for her concern and assured her you and your father's PCP were regularly assessing his living situation.
I lived with my father the last several years of his life in much the same circumstances you describe. My father was able to take care of his personal needs and could still drive, but I shopped, took him to appts, etc. We never had home home health help.

In AZ if you post a "No Trespassing" sign and verbally tell someone to leave as they are trespassing, the third time, you call the police, and the person will go to jail, as they have had 2 warnings and notifications that they were breaking the law. Be sure and post a sign that has your states statutes listed in an area that a reasonable person would enter your property from and send her a certified, return receipt letter telling her that she is not to have any contact or enter your property, period. Keep a copy to show the police when she doesn't listen.

Playing nice isn't working with this PIA nosey neighbor, time to play hardball and put a stop to her harrassing, bullying, intimidating, manipulative behaviors.

One thing that I have learned dealing with my parents. APS isn't concerned about anyone that can feed themselves, exit the home when alone and is obviously being cared for. They don't decide that someone needs more care based on a neighbors opinion, regardless of their prior job history.

I would welcome a visit to put this to bed.

I have called APS about some pretty egregious situations and nothing was done because the individuals involved were able to speak with them and tell them they could eat and take care of things. Didn't matter there was paths through the junk, people can live anyway they want, didn't matter they weren't bathing in ?? No law against it. As long as the utilities were on and functioning, the individuals were eating and some what coherent, they were just fine in the eyes of the law. That's the deciding factor, not opinions, what the law says.

Oh, I would think about camera's to prove what is happening with this neighbor who is violating the law.

Why don't you call social services? Explain that a neighbor is very concerned. You and your Dad feel things are going well for the situation. Tell them you would welcome a visit from them to see if there is something you are missing as you would certainly wish to correct it. They may come; I doubt it unless as a favor to you. You will have a record that you welcomed a visit. Tell the neighbor to get lost, and mention her by name to social services so they can take any reports with an appropriate grain of salt.

First of all I would talk it over with your dads doctor so there is an official report of the trouble you are having. Perhaps you could just tell him why you are worried and the doctor could advise you. If you have another medical professional on your side you’d have evidence there is no abuse. It sounds like you are doing a great job with your dad. And the fact that he himself has asked you to keep this woman away should also carry some weight. As long as you have no court order that deems your father incompetent to manage his affairs he still has a right to call the shots about what happens in his life, this woman’s intrusion being one of them. I had a neighbor who was very much like that at one time. She had no idea about boundaries and I actually had to talk to a counselor about the whole thing. She helped me see that I had a right to keep this woman at arms length. My neighbor to the other side actually told her if she ever set foot on her property again she’d call the police so I know such people exist. Keep up the good work with your dad and do whatever is necessary to keep this woman away.

Sounds like the neighbor from hell. She lives too close for comfort, but I would keep my distance from her. Tell her in no uncertain terms that she is to mind her own business, and to stay out of your affairs. Good luck.

Your neighbor may be well intentioned but is causing both you and your father a great deal of stress. It’s not her call- period. Idk if she’s hoping to secure work right there or not, but it’s not her decision. There is no neglect on your part so stop worrying about her. Also, lots of people become home health aides b/c it’s relatively easy to become one. This does not make them an expert or make their opinion more valuable or right. You’ll probably have to let her know she’s actually upsetting both you and your father and quite frankly, is out of line & meddling. Her feelings might be hurt, but so be it-she’s created the awkward situation! Focus your energy on your Dad and yourself. If she needs work,there’s plenty of companies hiring! Good luck!!

Ditto the others. You and your father know what's best for him. If it gives you peace of mind, ask his doctor the next time you see them. But suspect they will agree the neighbor needs to butt out! (And then you can tell the neighbor the doctor thinks he's fine, if you care to)

Neither you nor your dad needs to explain anything to this crazy-acting nosy neighbor!!!!!!!!!! Nor do you need to explain yourselves to any governmental agency or doctor. Wanting privacy is not reason enough for offering anyone any explanations.

If she comes over again, a swift "Get off my property, go home and mind your own business" would be a clear message that's long overdue. Ideally, you head her off at the pass before she makes it too far onto your property or up to the porch by walking toward her while clearly and loudly saying "We want you to get off our property, go home, and mind your own business. Do not trespass again."

You and your poor dad are living next door to a mental case. I would consider installing outdoor cameras. Who knows what this lunatic is capable of!

HHA isn’t qualified to diagnose a rock.
Put up a camera, or go to the police station and tell them what’s going on. Maybe they’ll pay her a visit and tell her to myob.
Get a dog 🐕 who will scare her with barking.

Wow! My mom has a neighbor similar to this, but not as bad. To my family, I refer to her as Gladys Kravitz (from the show 'Bewitched') because she obviously watches the comings and goings at my mom's house. One time she said to me, "I've noticed she drinks a lot of Coke." It is true, Coke is her one vice, but another neighbor smokes and I don't hear any comments about that. She is never invited into my mom's home, so she could only know that by watching my husband or I bringing in groceries.
Barging into your home is unlawful. Make sure the local police are aware of her invasive behavior. I know it's hard to confront someone, but she might need to be put in her place.

Already had that done to me. If they aren't living in squalor, well fed & has food in the fridge, able to DIAL 911 if needed (that's a biggy fyi), & for whatever reason he was supposed to know what we were having for dinner that evening (WOW - I never knew what I was having until then....but whatever).....

Then - let her call. But don't let her come over anymore. End of story with that.

I agree with everyone else here. Next time she comes over, ask her in. Have dad tell her he doesn't want her coming over anymore, and then you can reinforce this verbally. The worst she can do is call APS for a wellness check on your dad. It sounds like you take excellent care of him, so once they come over and give their blessing, if the neighbor comes over again, tell her she is no longer welcome and if she walks in your house you are going to press charges for criminal trespass.

I would not get a government agency involved until I had to. Boundries should have been set with this woman from day one. As soon as she started telling you he needed an aide and expressing her views and especially the first time she barged in ur home I would have said her behaviour is unacceptable.

In my opinion, if you have even politely asked her not to barge in and she did not take the hint, then there may be some mental problem on her part. Now, its time for bluntness. "We have asked you numerous times to not barge into our home. You continue to do what you want and say what you want. Dad finds it very upsetting and I find it rude. Because of this, you are no longer welcome in our home or on our property. If you don't abide by our request, we will get a lawyer involved and the police."

As other members have said, you have no worries from APS. They rather have family involved in a person's care then take it on themselves.

I am a tolerant person. But this woman I would have to say no more. My Mom had a neighbor of 55 yrs that said whatever she thought. To the point of putting my Mom down because she wasn't interested in crafts and sewing like the neighbor was. Neighbor had one child to my Moms 4. When I was selling the house, oh it won't sell its falling apart. It was on 7 acres, it finally sold and the old house was used as a basis for a new one. I hear she is still complaining so I choose not to call her. I can see how this all started but you now need to put ur foot down and turn the tables on her. Me, I would put a fence around my house and as soon as she tried to open the front gate, I would stop her there. Sorry, we don't feel like company today. Keep doing it until she gets the hint, which may mean never but you have the fence and the option of getting a lawyer or police involved.

She walked into your house without you letting her in? That’s a crime you should have right at that moment called the police and told them there’s an intruder in your home. Unless you had given her permission to walk into your home anytime and it definitely doesn’t sound like it. I would have a friend or relative with you and go to her home and as a united front firmly without getting angry yelling etc inform her that any further intrusion from her will be considered harassment and you’ll have to file a restraining order or you could file one and then go inform her but I would not allow this to go one step further

Ignore her and if she comes into your home uninvited again call the police on her for trespassing and harassment. She is a predator who thinks you are weak so just report her and she will stop bullying you.She needs mental health evaluation for sure.

Is it possible that there's something more than nosiness about the neighbor who keeps wandering into your house and is so obsessed with your household? She's retired. Could there be dementia? Mental illness? Not just simple obnoxiousness? It could be that she barges in on other people as well. If she has family, perhaps they ought to be informed. I would be wondering if she might, at some point, harm someone.

Bottom line.... have your dad tell nosey neighbor 1 last time that from now on, you'll be calling police each and every time she comes over uninvited. Then do it as soon as she walks in so she knows you're serious! Block her phone# so she can't call as well.
In the meantime, Call APS tell them your problem with the nosy neighbor, and want it documented that he is fine and in no danger and well taken care of. Then call police, tell them what APS said and that you want it documented that you have asked neighbor to stay away but she refuses and that from now on, you'll be calling police to report her trespassing. In the meantime, keep a nosey neighbor diary to help in this matter. Eventually, either the cop or an attorney can get moore involved. Good luck to you and your dad.

Your neighbor can't legally enter your father's house unless your father permits it. The next time your neighbor tries to come over, tell him to mind his own business and to leave your father's property. Politely but firmly express the fact that he has no right to harass you or your father, and inform him that the next time he comes over, you are calling the police, as you will consider it trespassing and harassment. Despite someone's background, they cannot break the law. He could call the APC on you, but they will just come by and check on him. There is nothing to worry about, but you need to know and flex your rights. I had my neighbor call the APC on my aunt, and they came by to see her and that was it. I politely informed them that if that same neighbor called in anonymously again, that I was filing harassment charges with our local police department. They nodded at me and said that they would inform him. Fun fact by the way, even if you file a claim anonymously for elderly abuse or neglect, they will have your name. Your phone number is traceable as well... so... not really anonymous is it?

And on top of all the helpful ideas consider always locking your doors, even if you feel you live in a 'safe' area; you never know, have a spare key hidden where only you or a trusted friend would know. Put a Do Not Disturb sign on your door if there is a pattern to when nosy neighbor tends to barge in; that is rude and borders on home invasion. She may be so in the habit of 'being helpful' now that she's retired she's either gone 'round the bend herself (ill on some level) or missing her old work. Protect yourself and make her just a 'waving neighbor', no more. Make it stick. Take good care of yourself and your father; neighbor needs redirection, even if the authorities must get involved.