My siblings are non-exsistent in moms life and have been for a while. My brother used to help with mom sometimes before I came into the picture 2years ago. But his help was based on monetary gain from mom.He sucked her for almost what she was worth. My sister actually disassociated herself from mom 5years ago. She(sister) only came around once in a while to "visit" me never speaking more than a word or two to our mother. But crap hit the fan with us over a year ago and there hasn't been any contact from neither. I know they have heard through grapevine when mom was not well.Even now with mom on Hospice and I know her time is running out....NOTHING from them. We live in a small community so I know by now they know of moms worsening condition. My sister lives about 1-2miles away, and my brother is MIA, don't know where he is?? But I am sure not far, maybe at the nearest crack house. My sister has an adult son and an older teenager and there is no contact from them either. Years ago the only way I could get them grandkids here to see mom was to give them a few bucks. To me thats a bunch of crap.
When my father died about 6 years ago my sister being much older than me and brother ran the show talking mom into high-price everything. Which was above dads ins. policy amount. My sister was handed many cards at funeral with money donations for "our" famliy. But mom never seen a dime. My sister bragged to me that she made upwards of $600 off of it. When meanwhile, mom had to dish out the extra money that dads funeral costed, when that money should have went to our mother.
So I recently went and made pre-arrangements for mom. I did it on my own. I chose things mom would want even thought not my taste.But its moms wishes not mine.
Honestly, if it was up to me I'd rather them not attending the funeral when the time comes. I decided along with my husband that when mom leaves this earth, they can hear about it through the "grapevine" cause I am not contacting them directly.
Is this wrong of me to feel this way???
If they don't care that she is alive then why should they care when she is gone!!!
I thought I put aside this anger toward my worthless sibling. But now with mom slowly slipping away the angry is building again. My husband and I with our kids ARE moms family. And we will be the ones here to witness the end of her life fighting right beside her.
It would be good if you could get some counseling for yourself to help you cope with the anger. This could destroy your health, and that's not fair to the people who love you.
The very best to you. You sound like a good person who has been through a lot.
Carol
About your own actions, I think it was perfectly appropriate for you to make prearrangements. That will be one less stress to deal with when the time comes. I don't see any reason to announce this to your sibs, any more than you tell them when you arrange medical appointments or shop for Mom's supplies. It is just part of your caregiving role, which they are not interested in.
When your mother dies, I think you should see that all relatives and her friends are notified. Perhaps you can do this by asking Aunt Sue or Cousin Jim to each call several others, including your sibs. If you know arrangements at the time of this notification you can include them. Otherwise you can say that there will be notice in tomorrow's local paper (if that is practical). If you must call your sibs yourself, DO NOT GET DRAWN INTO A DISCUSSION of how it should have been handled, etc. Make the announcement and excuse yourself so you can get on to the rest of your call list. Perhaps your husband could handle this with less likelihood of a scene.
You are doing a fine job. Best wishes to you.
I have a sibling who always liked to claim to be the "ONE" doing everything for our parents and in the end she was the main one placing the distance we all had and still have in our relationships as a family and individual relations with each other and our parents.minus one now. For me it is to late, after my father passed last year I cut my mother and sister off completely. Mainly because they are cut from the same cloth " NASTY' ! But you may be able to save your relationship before you have to deal with this sort of thing at a very devastating time in your life.
Be wise and don't allow sibling rivalry to otherwise ruin an occasions where you will all want and need to be together for your mothers sake. You did say that you agreed with things your mom wanted even though you wouldn't have picked them... What would you mother want after she has passed? This is the question you really need to ask yourself. I really don't believe your mom would want her children having ill feeling with one another when your suppose to be honoring her life. If you have children put your self in your mothers shoes would you want your children there or feuding? she is also their mother to after all.
You are a Good Daughter, Jamie:)
Love, Christina
I'm sorry you have gone through the stress you did, M1953.
RG1232011, I don't think, under the circumstances, yellowfeever owes the sibs any explanation of what she has done. She had the responsibility by default, and she did her job. Yes, I agree the sibs should all be told about the funeral, whether yellowfever can tell them directly or arranges for someone else to do it.
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