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My siblings are non-exsistent in moms life and have been for a while. My brother used to help with mom sometimes before I came into the picture 2years ago. But his help was based on monetary gain from mom.He sucked her for almost what she was worth. My sister actually disassociated herself from mom 5years ago. She(sister) only came around once in a while to "visit" me never speaking more than a word or two to our mother. But crap hit the fan with us over a year ago and there hasn't been any contact from neither. I know they have heard through grapevine when mom was not well.Even now with mom on Hospice and I know her time is running out....NOTHING from them. We live in a small community so I know by now they know of moms worsening condition. My sister lives about 1-2miles away, and my brother is MIA, don't know where he is?? But I am sure not far, maybe at the nearest crack house. My sister has an adult son and an older teenager and there is no contact from them either. Years ago the only way I could get them grandkids here to see mom was to give them a few bucks. To me thats a bunch of crap.
When my father died about 6 years ago my sister being much older than me and brother ran the show talking mom into high-price everything. Which was above dads ins. policy amount. My sister was handed many cards at funeral with money donations for "our" famliy. But mom never seen a dime. My sister bragged to me that she made upwards of $600 off of it. When meanwhile, mom had to dish out the extra money that dads funeral costed, when that money should have went to our mother.
So I recently went and made pre-arrangements for mom. I did it on my own. I chose things mom would want even thought not my taste.But its moms wishes not mine.
Honestly, if it was up to me I'd rather them not attending the funeral when the time comes. I decided along with my husband that when mom leaves this earth, they can hear about it through the "grapevine" cause I am not contacting them directly.

Is this wrong of me to feel this way???

If they don't care that she is alive then why should they care when she is gone!!!
I thought I put aside this anger toward my worthless sibling. But now with mom slowly slipping away the angry is building again. My husband and I with our kids ARE moms family. And we will be the ones here to witness the end of her life fighting right beside her.

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if ure in charge of everything then i would say go for it .
your siblings prob dont care as well ...
xoxox
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In the end, you'll likely feel better if you make one last effort to contact your siblings. You may want to do this through a family friend, or someone who can vouch for the fact that your tried. Then, go about your business doing what your mom would like done. I seems the best you can do given the situation.
It would be good if you could get some counseling for yourself to help you cope with the anger. This could destroy your health, and that's not fair to the people who love you.
The very best to you. You sound like a good person who has been through a lot.
Carol
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I'd send out a mass email telling them that you made the final arrangements for moms funeral, and when she dies you'll send out another mass email to tell them when and where to show up.
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You are not "wrong" to feel any way you feel. That you feel so much anger is not "wrong" in a moral sense, but in the long run you'd probably be happier to set the burden of anger aside. I agree with Carol that a few sessions with a counselor might be useful toward that end, for your own sake. Your sibs have behaved badly. That is not a burden you should have to carry.

About your own actions, I think it was perfectly appropriate for you to make prearrangements. That will be one less stress to deal with when the time comes. I don't see any reason to announce this to your sibs, any more than you tell them when you arrange medical appointments or shop for Mom's supplies. It is just part of your caregiving role, which they are not interested in.

When your mother dies, I think you should see that all relatives and her friends are notified. Perhaps you can do this by asking Aunt Sue or Cousin Jim to each call several others, including your sibs. If you know arrangements at the time of this notification you can include them. Otherwise you can say that there will be notice in tomorrow's local paper (if that is practical). If you must call your sibs yourself, DO NOT GET DRAWN INTO A DISCUSSION of how it should have been handled, etc. Make the announcement and excuse yourself so you can get on to the rest of your call list. Perhaps your husband could handle this with less likelihood of a scene.

You are doing a fine job. Best wishes to you.
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faced this with my other siblings. we have a few close together and others off in another world no one knows. We tried to reach them so we could say we did try to contact in the end as mindingourelders said it would make you feel better to say you " DID " try and I also agree with the others about a few sessions to deal with it all. Just be 100% sure you are not the problem.

I have a sibling who always liked to claim to be the "ONE" doing everything for our parents and in the end she was the main one placing the distance we all had and still have in our relationships as a family and individual relations with each other and our parents.minus one now. For me it is to late, after my father passed last year I cut my mother and sister off completely. Mainly because they are cut from the same cloth " NASTY' ! But you may be able to save your relationship before you have to deal with this sort of thing at a very devastating time in your life.

Be wise and don't allow sibling rivalry to otherwise ruin an occasions where you will all want and need to be together for your mothers sake. You did say that you agreed with things your mom wanted even though you wouldn't have picked them... What would you mother want after she has passed? This is the question you really need to ask yourself. I really don't believe your mom would want her children having ill feeling with one another when your suppose to be honoring her life. If you have children put your self in your mothers shoes would you want your children there or feuding? she is also their mother to after all.
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Just speaking personally, I would want my children to get along during my lifetime. I don't care diddly what the five of them (and their spouses) do at my memorial service. Some of things that they do while I'll alive might be "for mother's sake" (thank you, kids) but after I'm dead I don't see how they can do anything for my sake.
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how sad . . .^_^
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You have been through a lot and sadly the situation with your siblings is not uncommon in our society. You are absolutely right to make the arrangements for your mother's funeral especially given the fact that you have made arrangements based upon her personal wishes. This is what really matters...honoring her wishes. Regarding your siblings: there is no need to contact them to say that you have made these arrangements. They aren't involved so you do not need any input from them. However, I would recommend that you take the HIGH road re. communication upon your mother's passing. Pick up the phone and let them know she has passed...you and your family were there and what time and where the funeral will take place. Your anger is honest and frankly, you have every right to be angry, but I'm sure your mother would want them to know about her passing and from you. You have an opportunity to go to a higher place in this situation and if you can find a way to do that, your soul will suffer less and you will feel good (after time) that you did all you could for your mom. I feel for you and the pain and unnecessary suffering your siblings have put you through, but you must find a way to care for yourself. I wish you peace at the end of this journey.
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Doing the pre-arrangements so no one is spending other people's money for things that don't matter except to make them feel better was a good plan. And you have everyright to your mad feelings. BUT - take the high road. Do what you can to notify family. And if they show up at the funeral, criticize, and they try to make out how much they cared when they really didn't, don't be too suprised. People who know you and Mom and have been there will know better. More important - don't let your anger and resentment at their past failings eat you alive for the rest of your life!
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I called and ask my sister and one of my brothers if they cared before I made moms arrangements . But not the other brother. He is MIA too. My sis comes over about once a wk so I can get out of the house and when the one brother comes he never says a word to mom. Just talks my head off about his life and if I ask him to do something for mom for me he says no. But in your case I would not of called and ask first. I bet they will be around after to see if anything was left to them. Sorry but that is how things go most of the time. Good luck . In the same boat .
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well I am glad to know we must be in the same family. the same thing happened to my sister and i when our mom was dying. we cared for her for 2 years she was 97. of the other 9 siblins all living in same town except one who was 1hour away, only one brother helped, but he needed us to be with him when he helped with Mom. when she died we sister and I were the only ones with her. she was kept at her house as she requested, no nursing home. we had family husband kids, but stayed with her. when she died we debated on calling any of them but we did. They were at beach in mountains on vacation somewhere. In other words they knew how bad she was but went on with their own life. Dont worry bout Mom they have it covered. To our surprise our sister was moms pow. the night mom died we said ok what do we need to do now? she said oh I dont know I went and had my name taken off I'm not her pow. well we knew Mom had not been out so we knew that was a lie. But my sister and I planned the funeral like Mom wanted it. No visitation, no coffee pot, no food and no flower on the house. that is what Mom wanted. she also wanted to be buried at midnight so it wouldnt stop the traffic when she came through town going to the cemetary. they would not do that. we had a lot mad because they wanted to "say" something about Mom at the funeral but shoot they didnt even know her!! still a little rift there but its ok, now I'm going through the same thing with my husband who has ALZ. the kids never come or call but let him die and they will be here like buzzards.
Plan it the way your Mom wants it. Foot on anyone else!! they dont care about how you or your Mom feel dont worry about them!!
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Sometimes when siblings don't get along, the one in charge will assume certain things, regarding his or her siblings. Please don't assume that your siblings know that your mother has a limited amount of time here on this earth & please, please don't let them find out about her decease from a round about way! If you are truly in charge, it is your job to notify your siblings of illnesses, deaths, pre-arranged funeral arrangements, etc. Sometimes it is okay to agree to disagree!

I have been through this identical thing, a few of my siblings like to be in charge, so I let them be in charge. For years & years I was the one doing the running my parents for tests at hospitals, doctor visits both eye & GP, mowed for them, weedeated for them, (its on a farm, so not small job, would take an entire day), pulled weeds in flowers, actually wore my body out! My mom got mad at me because I shared with my siblings a test result on my dad, which she had failed to tell me that I wasn't supposed to share the result, until after the fact! She got mad because she feels it is something that might be disgraceful to she & dad, even though it is not, he cannot help what he has wrong with him, they are late 80's early 90's. So my mom claimed I had lied about the test result, which I would have no reason to lie, nothing to gain, etc. So 3 of my siblings have went along with mom claiming I lied about everything. No one has bothered to talk to me about it! So now I am not invited to family get togethers, parents birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, & most recently not invited to their 65th anniversary! My mother called me 3 days before their anniversary party, informing me that she wanted us there, I told her we didn't know about it, & that we already had plans with others for the weekend (11 people camping some coming out of state 6 hours away) & it too ended up being my fault that I wasn't invited. I heard her say "one person can't do it all!" My mother later made the comment to my sister, whom I get along with, that she knew I knew about the party because "it was in the papers, 3 papers that I do not get, and because my Aunt & Uncle were invited I should have known because we see them all the time!" My Aunt & Uncle were away at the time, hadn't seen them for 3 or 4 weeks, & doesn't mean I am invited because they are invited! My point is this, being on the other end of this spectrum, I think it is totally unfair to make any arrangements for funerals, parties, get togethers without all the siblings being involved, whether you will agree on prices of things or not! That has nothing to do with the issue! Planning for the funeral is something that helps all the siblings deal with the loss because they would be a part of it! Being in the spot you are in isn't fair or easy, but please be fair to the others!
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I agree that you should attempt to notify your siblings of your mothers passing and also her advanced condition. If you can do this by way of another party or a letter it may be easier for you. Above all I would maintain respect and dignity of your mother now and focus on her closure process. Take the high ground, years from now your siblings may have an awakening and you will be able to assure them that their mother died with dignity and compassionate care. Remind your mother these days of her successes and the positive impact she has had on your life. Although your siblings are acting like jerks your mother successfully brought them from infancy to adulthood and in that regard she has been the best mother she could have been. Let her die knowing she mattered, made a difference and most important that you will be okay. Be gentle with yourself you are doing a great job.
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I've heard it said that no matter how many brothers and sisters there are...each one had a different mother and father...for no one actually has the same parent or the same family experience....not to mention being different people and translating all we are exposed to differently. I have two brothers, one has distanced many years ago from my mothers care the other in involved..but it seems for his need to control the finances and keep his "front" to win the supposed pissing contest he has imagined exists between him and his younger brother. None of what he has done keeps my moms best interest up front. I am the middle child, and only daughter, and have been my moms primary caregiver all my life. My mom..now 93, is and has always been, mentally ill...undiagnosed, but none the less...ill. How my brothers responded to her behavior and crazy ways differed, but none the less, never took into account that she did the best she could with what she had, and it wasn't enough to suit them. I was subjected to the most physical and emotional torment because in an Italian household it was not only expected of me but demanded....and I never knew I had a choice. So now, that the end is near, and I am still her caregiver, I must look at your comments of not telling your family about her death...as an act of judgment and punishment for their not being there all along....I can understand....but pass on this as free advice.....let go of the anger, it will not serve you well once she is gone....I would let them know, let them choose and let them go...let them go. If they show up...or not....you gave them the chance...and you can relax and start to let go of your expectations of what family ought to be...and accept the family you do have...correction....the relatives you have. For I have learned that family is who loves as you love and relatives are connected by blood only....no other way. We choose our family, we are given our relatives. Who remains true to us and the love given needs to be earned...not automatically given. I have healed my relationships with both my brothers...for I have chosen to take care of my mom for my reasons...nothing to do with their reasons. I do not expect any gratitude in return...I just want to give my mom a good death...for I promised my father I would when he passed. Let go the anger and resentment...it will hurt you more than them. They don't care...let them go...if they come...listen with your heart.
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I think you are using your feelings in a defensive posture. It's true they haven't had any input, the they ARE you mom's children. You need to tell them what you've done and be sure to let them know when the time comes for the funeral. Then let them decide at that time if they want to contribute any input or come. Don't belittle yourself by excluding them.
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Some people simply cannot handle sickness, death, responsibility to family, etc. Do what you want to do for your Mom, what makes it easier for you. They don't want to help you and they don't visit, but I wouldn't take it personally. Lots of character traits are unevenly distributed in families. Another mystery of life to ponder.
You are a Good Daughter, Jamie:)
Love, Christina
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That is a hard question and since you are in charge do what will make it easer on you. As a father I would like there to be peace in this world but as you can see our world is not. So are families among us. So do what is best for you,and god bless you for doing your best and for some it will never be enough,johnnycares
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No, M1953, you are not in the identical same situation. Yes, you had some conflicts with sibs over caring for parents. Here we have oldest sister MAKING MONEY on her father's funeral by not turning cash gifts over to Mom. I say, it is not necessary to get these people involved in the prepaid funeral arrangements. It is just one of many duties that Yellowfeever has had to do that no one else is interested in. The funeral, yes, they should be told, even though she'd prefer not to see them. But the details of caregiving? Nope, no way. They have disqualified themselves from that communication service.

I'm sorry you have gone through the stress you did, M1953.

RG1232011, I don't think, under the circumstances, yellowfeever owes the sibs any explanation of what she has done. She had the responsibility by default, and she did her job. Yes, I agree the sibs should all be told about the funeral, whether yellowfever can tell them directly or arranges for someone else to do it.
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Hi, Thanks for you comments.
Let me say that I am not during anything for selfish reasons. My mother and I was never close. I was the only child that lived outside of this community about 25-30 minutes away. Way back when this all started me taking care of mom, my siblings volunteered me to care for her. Mostly because they couldn't deal with her day to day needs. Since I worked in the home health industry they thought this suited me. I was given the choice if I wouldn't help with mom then she must go to a home. At the time mom was only 64 with mid-stage dementia. I traveled back and forth from my house to moms everyday until she wasn't able to be alone for safety reasons. I quit my full time job and within months I was forced to quit my part-time job as well. For one year I lived at moms away from my 6 kids and Husband. Only really seeing them through short visits and some weekend stays at moms house. My husband and I got a divorce because of all the chaos. I lost custody of my children(from previous marriage). All the while my siblings knew what I was going through. I cried, begged and pleaded for help from them and was shot down everytime. Their answer was put her in a home cause both of my siblings are divorced and "think" they have social lives.
My husband and I worked things out and him and children moved in here at moms. Meaning a different school district and letting our home go. I still haven't got my childrens custody issues resolved.
By no means am I saying I am some model caregiver or want pity. But I did make sacifices for my mother out of love and respect for my parents whom brought me up to do the right thing.
My mother used to thank me for being the one that stepped up and she used to get angry herself that the others never came around. She used to sit around and say "the Hell with them" "their not my kids" I used to make excuses for them but that would only make mom twice as angry and then she would yell at me.
About a year ago my sisters last visit here to see me turned into a war. My mother(remember has dementia) started rambling to my sister about silly stuff. My sister lost it on mom. Names she called our mother I will never forget but will never repeat. Sis, stood in driveway screaming at my mother for "killing"dad and that mom deserves being crazy, that mom needed to go to a home and my sister was going to sell moms house..... The hatred she showed to mom was unreal. All the time mom stood there in a daze. It was so bad that my husband called the cops. And then me and my sis had our words. I told her she was not welcomed back because of the disrespect to our sick mother. Thats the last I have heard of her.
So thats the reasons I could care less of what they know!!!
Especially, my sister!!!
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That is some bad company you had for siblings and you do what you need to do for yourselves”only” Some will look at us as lower type people just because we take care of our loves one,nothing is farther from the truth,johnnycares
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I have pre-arranged and paid for mom's funeral. It is exactly as she would like it to be. I didn't consult my sis and bro b/c they have critisized everything I have done for mom so far and have made nasty accusations about me wanting to get all of mom's money for myself, since I have the POA--which neither on of them would want or know how to take care of mom's business, if they were offered this job. I have kept very accurate records of all of mom's fiduciary activity, with credit-card receipts, cancelled checks, bank statements, etc for their review if they ever want to check up on me!! As someone already said, this is no different from any other arrangements that you might make for your mom, such as dentist or doctor's appointments, etc. Telling them what you have arranged will just have them telling you of what you SHOULD have done, what you did WRONG, etc. When your mom passes, just tell them that everything has been taken care of!!
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Hey Yellow-- my sister is an idiot, too. The lazy selfish but arrogant type. All I can say is: Karma is an interesting occurrence. Haha. Someday, someday...
Love you, and so glad you VENTED!!! Yay!
Hugs, Christina
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Yellowfeever - I was so glad to read that you and your husband are back together again and that you are working on custody arrangements of your children (from a previous marriage). I think it is good that, since you are the caregiver, you have gone ahead and pre-planned the funeral. It might be best to tell the siblings that you can contact that Mom is dying - then they can't fault you for not telling them (and blame you for not being able to do the things they would have done, had they only known [and all that baloney]). Don't give them an excuse to blame you. The same with telling them about the death and funeral. Be the one who does the "right thing" - you will always be glad that you did. If you don't tell them, they will blame you for EVERYTHING they didn't do. Don't give them that chance!! Once your mom is gone and her estate has been settled (whatever it is), if you don't want to be in contact with your siblings ever again, that will be your choice. But take the high road now so that you can stand proud at the end of this ordeal.
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Yes tell them when/where the funeral is. Be prepared for them to play the act of the put-upon, done-wrong-by family.
If you think your sis might try the envelope trick again make a sincere announcement from the podium thanking everyone for attending, that everything was thankfully covered, no donations are needed, and for folks to please make donations to their favorite charity or (whatever fund is for her disease) instead (you could even have that in the funeral invitation!).
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yellowfeever, that sister of yours took denial and ignorance to a whole new level! maybe even mentally ill, to act like that!! So sad you lost your marriage and your family to the disagreement and lack of understanding of dementia, and the lack of real choice in care options. The siblings that thought you ought to use a care facility should have been helping you find one close enough for you to stay involved and feel decent about, instead of asking you to do something you were totally uncomfortable with...it is easy to sit there and say don't leave your own family to care for a parent, but very hard to have to make that kind of choice they left you with, and live with the consequences. Just my $0.02.
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