Is it wrong for me to pre-arrange mom’s funeral without my siblings input?
My siblings are non-exsistent in moms life and have been for a while. My brother used to help with mom sometimes before I came into the picture 2years ago. But his help was based on monetary gain from mom.He sucked her for almost what she was worth. My sister actually disassociated herself from mom 5years ago. She(sister) only came around once in a while to "visit" me never speaking more than a word or two to our mother. But crap hit the fan with us over a year ago and there hasn't been any contact from neither. I know they have heard through grapevine when mom was not well.Even now with mom on Hospice and I know her time is running out....NOTHING from them. We live in a small community so I know by now they know of moms worsening condition. My sister lives about 1-2miles away, and my brother is MIA, don't know where he is?? But I am sure not far, maybe at the nearest crack house. My sister has an adult son and an older teenager and there is no contact from them either. Years ago the only way I could get them grandkids here to see mom was to give them a few bucks. To me thats a bunch of crap.
When my father died about 6 years ago my sister being much older than me and brother ran the show talking mom into high-price everything. Which was above dads ins. policy amount. My sister was handed many cards at funeral with money donations for "our" famliy. But mom never seen a dime. My sister bragged to me that she made upwards of $600 off of it. When meanwhile, mom had to dish out the extra money that dads funeral costed, when that money should have went to our mother.
So I recently went and made pre-arrangements for mom. I did it on my own. I chose things mom would want even thought not my taste.But its moms wishes not mine.
Honestly, if it was up to me I'd rather them not attending the funeral when the time comes. I decided along with my husband that when mom leaves this earth, they can hear about it through the "grapevine" cause I am not contacting them directly.
Is this wrong of me to feel this way???
If they don't care that she is alive then why should they care when she is gone!!!
I thought I put aside this anger toward my worthless sibling. But now with mom slowly slipping away the angry is building again. My husband and I with our kids ARE moms family. And we will be the ones here to witness the end of her life fighting right beside her.
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If you think your sis might try the envelope trick again make a sincere announcement from the podium thanking everyone for attending, that everything was thankfully covered, no donations are needed, and for folks to please make donations to their favorite charity or (whatever fund is for her disease) instead (you could even have that in the funeral invitation!).
Love you, and so glad you VENTED!!! Yay!
Hugs, Christina
Let me say that I am not during anything for selfish reasons. My mother and I was never close. I was the only child that lived outside of this community about 25-30 minutes away. Way back when this all started me taking care of mom, my siblings volunteered me to care for her. Mostly because they couldn't deal with her day to day needs. Since I worked in the home health industry they thought this suited me. I was given the choice if I wouldn't help with mom then she must go to a home. At the time mom was only 64 with mid-stage dementia. I traveled back and forth from my house to moms everyday until she wasn't able to be alone for safety reasons. I quit my full time job and within months I was forced to quit my part-time job as well. For one year I lived at moms away from my 6 kids and Husband. Only really seeing them through short visits and some weekend stays at moms house. My husband and I got a divorce because of all the chaos. I lost custody of my children(from previous marriage). All the while my siblings knew what I was going through. I cried, begged and pleaded for help from them and was shot down everytime. Their answer was put her in a home cause both of my siblings are divorced and "think" they have social lives.
My husband and I worked things out and him and children moved in here at moms. Meaning a different school district and letting our home go. I still haven't got my childrens custody issues resolved.
By no means am I saying I am some model caregiver or want pity. But I did make sacifices for my mother out of love and respect for my parents whom brought me up to do the right thing.
My mother used to thank me for being the one that stepped up and she used to get angry herself that the others never came around. She used to sit around and say "the Hell with them" "their not my kids" I used to make excuses for them but that would only make mom twice as angry and then she would yell at me.
About a year ago my sisters last visit here to see me turned into a war. My mother(remember has dementia) started rambling to my sister about silly stuff. My sister lost it on mom. Names she called our mother I will never forget but will never repeat. Sis, stood in driveway screaming at my mother for "killing"dad and that mom deserves being crazy, that mom needed to go to a home and my sister was going to sell moms house..... The hatred she showed to mom was unreal. All the time mom stood there in a daze. It was so bad that my husband called the cops. And then me and my sis had our words. I told her she was not welcomed back because of the disrespect to our sick mother. Thats the last I have heard of her.
So thats the reasons I could care less of what they know!!!
Especially, my sister!!!
I'm sorry you have gone through the stress you did, M1953.
RG1232011, I don't think, under the circumstances, yellowfeever owes the sibs any explanation of what she has done. She had the responsibility by default, and she did her job. Yes, I agree the sibs should all be told about the funeral, whether yellowfever can tell them directly or arranges for someone else to do it.
You are a Good Daughter, Jamie:)
Love, Christina
I have been through this identical thing, a few of my siblings like to be in charge, so I let them be in charge. For years & years I was the one doing the running my parents for tests at hospitals, doctor visits both eye & GP, mowed for them, weedeated for them, (its on a farm, so not small job, would take an entire day), pulled weeds in flowers, actually wore my body out! My mom got mad at me because I shared with my siblings a test result on my dad, which she had failed to tell me that I wasn't supposed to share the result, until after the fact! She got mad because she feels it is something that might be disgraceful to she & dad, even though it is not, he cannot help what he has wrong with him, they are late 80's early 90's. So my mom claimed I had lied about the test result, which I would have no reason to lie, nothing to gain, etc. So 3 of my siblings have went along with mom claiming I lied about everything. No one has bothered to talk to me about it! So now I am not invited to family get togethers, parents birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, & most recently not invited to their 65th anniversary! My mother called me 3 days before their anniversary party, informing me that she wanted us there, I told her we didn't know about it, & that we already had plans with others for the weekend (11 people camping some coming out of state 6 hours away) & it too ended up being my fault that I wasn't invited. I heard her say "one person can't do it all!" My mother later made the comment to my sister, whom I get along with, that she knew I knew about the party because "it was in the papers, 3 papers that I do not get, and because my Aunt & Uncle were invited I should have known because we see them all the time!" My Aunt & Uncle were away at the time, hadn't seen them for 3 or 4 weeks, & doesn't mean I am invited because they are invited! My point is this, being on the other end of this spectrum, I think it is totally unfair to make any arrangements for funerals, parties, get togethers without all the siblings being involved, whether you will agree on prices of things or not! That has nothing to do with the issue! Planning for the funeral is something that helps all the siblings deal with the loss because they would be a part of it! Being in the spot you are in isn't fair or easy, but please be fair to the others!
Plan it the way your Mom wants it. Foot on anyone else!! they dont care about how you or your Mom feel dont worry about them!!
I have a sibling who always liked to claim to be the "ONE" doing everything for our parents and in the end she was the main one placing the distance we all had and still have in our relationships as a family and individual relations with each other and our parents.minus one now. For me it is to late, after my father passed last year I cut my mother and sister off completely. Mainly because they are cut from the same cloth " NASTY' ! But you may be able to save your relationship before you have to deal with this sort of thing at a very devastating time in your life.
Be wise and don't allow sibling rivalry to otherwise ruin an occasions where you will all want and need to be together for your mothers sake. You did say that you agreed with things your mom wanted even though you wouldn't have picked them... What would you mother want after she has passed? This is the question you really need to ask yourself. I really don't believe your mom would want her children having ill feeling with one another when your suppose to be honoring her life. If you have children put your self in your mothers shoes would you want your children there or feuding? she is also their mother to after all.
About your own actions, I think it was perfectly appropriate for you to make prearrangements. That will be one less stress to deal with when the time comes. I don't see any reason to announce this to your sibs, any more than you tell them when you arrange medical appointments or shop for Mom's supplies. It is just part of your caregiving role, which they are not interested in.
When your mother dies, I think you should see that all relatives and her friends are notified. Perhaps you can do this by asking Aunt Sue or Cousin Jim to each call several others, including your sibs. If you know arrangements at the time of this notification you can include them. Otherwise you can say that there will be notice in tomorrow's local paper (if that is practical). If you must call your sibs yourself, DO NOT GET DRAWN INTO A DISCUSSION of how it should have been handled, etc. Make the announcement and excuse yourself so you can get on to the rest of your call list. Perhaps your husband could handle this with less likelihood of a scene.
You are doing a fine job. Best wishes to you.
It would be good if you could get some counseling for yourself to help you cope with the anger. This could destroy your health, and that's not fair to the people who love you.
The very best to you. You sound like a good person who has been through a lot.
Carol
your siblings prob dont care as well ...
xoxox