Really struggling with guilt, how do you not pity/feel guilty when parent relationship was difficult?

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Really struggling with guilt, how do you not pity/feel guilty when parent relationship was difficult?

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I'm a caregiver to my only remaining parent (lost two). I feel burnt out even with him living in a community and getting help two days a week. I have my own health issues, two jobs, and feel like I've been the "parent" for more than 30 years (since I was 12). My dad only calls when he needs something. Isn't capable of a conversation other than to complain. Only cares how I'm doing because it impacts his own care (I'm sure this isn't TRUE but it's how it feels). I find myself avoiding him. And feeling guilty about it. Is this normal?

Burnout Dad Family Caregiver Guilt Relationships

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You have described every caregiver's daily life especially when dealing with a parent's care. No matter how good or how bad our relationship with that parent was before they required care, no matter whether the parent is living in a skilled nursing or assisted living or memory care, or in our own home, and no matter how much we love them, we will feel nothing we do is ever enough. Sometimes it feels as if every single waking moment is somehow wrapped up in the care of that loved one. It is frightening to watch our parents decline and know that they depend on us to help them and feel (or know) that they resent us for having to depend on us. It really is a Catch-22 situation. It is, also, frightening to see this happening to them and us and fear that that will someday be the situation between us and our children. All we can do is rationalize that life consists of navigating situations, doing the best we can, and finding and taking whatever joy we can when the opportunities arise. If it becomes too hard, we talk to friends, we ask for help, we discuss it with our doctors. My own mother, who is 95, consistently asks me to put myself in her situation. That is all I have tried to do for the past five years and respect her wishes without endangering her health. After the last time she asked me to put myself in her situation, I asked her to do the same - put herself in my situation. She and my dad never had to care for their parents - their other siblings did that. She and my dad never knew the sacrifice, the expense, the guilt put on us, the caregiver child. Of course, she had no response, and I doubt if she really thought about it. So, we soldier on, trying to manage the best we can. I know there are others who will give better insights on how to help your situation, but please know that you are not alone, that there are so many of us trying to do the best we can for our parents but feel like we are just spinning our wheels. I wish you, and all of us, well and hope that our children and grandchildren have a better future with us.

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Reply to asfastas1can

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I always say that caregiving is never successful unless it's done on the caregiver's terms and not the care recipient's.

Your mother like so many of out elders is the one who needs the help. So she has to accept the help on the terms it's offered on or she can go to a Long Term Care facility.

There's a fundamental difference between being a caregiver and being a careslave.

You can be a caregiver by arranging and managing homecare help for your mother. Or advocating for her if she's sent to AL or LTC.

Being a caregiver DOES NOT have to mean you have to do everything literally yourself and with your own two hands. It does not mean that and all these seniors today who think it does, are getting schooled by so many of their Gen X kids like myself.

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I just remember how I was treated as a kid, and the guilt just melts away.

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Reply to olddude

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Just set down a day and time to visit each week and that cuts down on the feelings of guilt. You listen to the complaining for as long as possible, then say your goodbyes. The truth of the matter is, there ARE elders out there who act nicely. That our loved ones choose to complain and act entitled is not our fault or our job to fix. Just as it's not our place to fix old age and disease, it's not within our power.

No matter HOW MUCH I did for my mother, she made sure I knew it wasn't nearly enough. How was I supposed to feel, knowing that? I was supposed to feel miserable and guilty but I didn't. I felt like she was never satisfied, even if I'd managed to put her up in the Palace of Versailles. She'd have complained the gold was tarnished. Not my problem.

In reality, I so wished for parents I felt close to. A mother I was friends with. But she made it impossible. Had we been friends, I'd have been able to see her often or even have her live with me. But the way things were, it was impossible. Due to HER ridiculous behaviors, not mine. We reap what we sow.

Don't internalize your father's issues and make them your own. Do what you can on the day you visit each week, then let it all go till the next visit.

Good luck.

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Reply to lealonnie1

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My father started every phone conversation with "I've got a problem...". I cringed every time the phone rang. And no he never asked how I was because that didn't matter.

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Reply to lkdrymom

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My mother starts each call with “Are you busy? I’ve just called to ask a question.” She doesn’t even wait to hear if I’ve said yes or no to being busy. It’s straight to the questions. 9/10 are “ Have you seen my Facebook page? Will Smith (any celebrity) has asked me for thoughts and prayers. What should I do?”

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It is a normal animal response to avoid the unpleasant or dangerous. And a GOOD response to have and keep honed.

Guilt requires causation. That is to say that guilt means that you cause something by evil intent and you, by evil intent, intend not to fix it.
You didn't cause aging for your parent.
You can't fix aging.
Your parent isn't your responsibility. Your responsibility is any minor children you have brought into this world and are caring for. Your husband who you made vows to.

You are a grownup. Honestly it comes down to whether you will continue to marinate in the past your parent created, or whether you grasp a new and better future. You may need psychological counseling in order to break free of habitual ways of acting and reacting. I highly recommend it. None of this silly online counseling; they get paid nothing and are worth less than that.

Good luck. It's your choice and up to you.

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Reply to AlvaDeer

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I have recently severed contact with my father. He is a high conflict person who will never be satisfied and has no problem dumping on everyone with who he comes in contact. This has always been his personality and always will be. I could give all sorts of examples, but I do not feel the need to justify anything. I am done. My boundaries were pushed and pushed until I just decided to remove myself. Guilt is a useless emotion as it doesn't really solve anything. Be honest with yourself about what you can tolerate. We do not owe any other human our life. We get one, that is all.

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Reply to mich5210

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Good for you!! I'm so glad to read this. Just because they're you're parent, doesn't mean you have to spend your life in misery trying to please someone who will never be satisfied. I read so many posts of people in absolute misery and feeling guilty trying to please a parents who just makes everyone's life a misery (and not because they have dementia, but just because that's they're personality). No one was put on this earth to accept that level of b.s. So good for you for putting down a boundary and sticking to it.

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I would challenge that guilty feeling, for you’ve done nothing to feel guilty about. Avoiding someone who only uses you for help or as a sounding board for griping is a natural reaction. Consider that what you’re feeling is sadness that the situation that be different or better. Sadness that you were used as a caregiver far before an age when it was appropriate, sadness that you’re just plain exhausted from it all. None of that is any reason to feel guilt. Take dad’s calls when it’s convenient for you, listen to a minimal amount of complaining, and get off the phone, as you don’t need the negativity in your life and it’s not beneficial to either of you. I wish you peace

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Reply to Daughterof1930

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My dad is in memory care. He does not have access to a phone there. I've instructed the care givers not to call me and put him on the phone. They redirect by saying Jackie's busy now and we can't call her. He forgets about it. If there is a medical reason to call me, of course, they do so. The few times we have talked are the phone are excruciating and are usually all about me coming to take him out of there. The months leading up to placing him in memory care were incredibly stressful and now it's time for me. I have set boundaries which I didn't always do in my life. You might resort to not answering when you see their number on caller ID. Then you could call staff and see if there is an emergency if it makes you feel better.

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Reply to JR2555

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Caregiver burnout is a very common problem. You have to know the signs, and what can be done to prevent it. Otherwise, both the patient and caregiver will suffer.

Chronic Stress
A defining feature of dementia caregiving is its nonstop nature. This means that stress never stops, and the hits keep on coming, 24/7.
With each stressful event, the body undergoes physiological changes as it gears up to meet the demands of the situation. After each episode, the body needs time to clear the physiological byproducts of the stress response. This recovery period, and the return to baseline, can take up to several hours.
For a dementia caregiver, however, the recovery period is all but nonexistent. The caregiver often faces a runaway situation, where the body never receives respite long enough to clear the byproducts of stress response and recover fully.
A consequence of this chronic stress is that dementia caregivers are themselves at risk. In one study, caregivers who experienced care-related strain had a 63 percent higher mortality risk than non-caregiving controls. This makes chronic stress a primary concern for dementia caregivers.

Signs of Chronic Stress
·      Irritability
·      Anxiety
·      Withdrawal
·      Depression
·      Burnout
·      Sleep issues
·      Trouble concentrating
·      Lack of attention to one’s health

Watch Out for Creeping Depression
There’s a short path from chronic stress to depression. The threat of depression should not be taken lightly. Depression is one of the most common conditions afflicting dementia caregivers and may appear at any stage of dementia progression.
What makes depression especially dangerous is the stealth with which it creeps up and engulfs its victims. Often the caregiver is not even aware of depression taking hold, until the process is well under way. By the time they realize what is happening, it’s already too late.
·      Task at least one friend or family member who is in regular contact with you to watch you for signs of depression. Have them sound the alarm at the first sign of a problem developing, and when they do, heed their warning.

Signs of Depression
·      Persistent sadness and anxiety
·      Feelings of hopelessness and despair
·      Irritability
·      Feelings of guilt and worthlessness
·      Loss of interest and enjoyment in everyday living
·      Exhaustion and lack of energy
·      Problems with concentration and sound thinking
·      Sleep disturbance
·      Changes in appetite and weight
·      Persistent issues like headaches and digestive problems
·      Thoughts of death and suicide

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Reply to Samad1

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Still plugging the book, Samad. SMH.... God bless.

Maybe in your next book you'll tell the world of caregivers something all of us don't already know in spades.

Solutions and options are what tired, burned-out caregivers need.
They already know they're tired, depressed, and living miserable lives of drudgery and care slavery.

Here's one way a person can help a caregiver dealing with burnout.

Offer to babysit and elder for a few hours. Bring by a meal for a caregiver. Run an errand for them. Don't forget about them either.

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Your dad is probably a narcissist. Since you are questioning your feelings, it is time to put your life first. You don't have other relatives that can step in? Your dad should be living in Assisted Living if he has cognitive issues. Try to devise a plan for your dad's future. Has he fallen or had emergency trips to the hospital? If you get your dad into the hospital, you can refuse discharge. Does your dad have Dementia or is he being manipulative?

Really struggling with guilt, how do you not pity/feel guilty when parent relationship was difficult?

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