Am I selfish for thinking a nursing home with rehab is the best option for my father and not taking care of him myself?

Is your dad still in the hospital, recovering from hip surgery?

If so, rehab at a facility the very bestbthing for him, even if he were much younger with no other medical issues. Because he does have medical issues, rehab at a facility that is in a nh, rather than one that is just for rehab is a very good idea!

You don't know what dad's needs are going to be until after he rehabs. Get him into a good favility now, start the recovery process and reevaluate after he's had several weeks of pt.

I agree with Babalou
Keep him in the nursing home/rehab while he is recovering. You are so young and it sounds like he needs a lot of care. You may lose your job too!
If he goes to a rehab, they will assess his needs and your circumstances. In all likelihood the social worker at the medical facility will help you get the help at home you need to assist in caring for your father's medical and physical needs if he is able to return home.
Don't go it alone. You and he both need help. God bless and I think with more professional help he will improve. It sounds like you love your father very much. You are doing the right thing by getting more professional help.
My mom had so many terrible afflictions. She wanted to stay home and have her kids come and help.
After she had a stroke and all her other medical conditions were properly evaluated at the hospital and rehab, she was able to get the professional in home care and assistance that the family could not provide. The social workers at these facilities can be very helpful in assisting you with a plan for your dad's care that is beneficial for both of you.

you are pretty young and if he is refusing to take his meds will cause him to have yet another stroke. If you decide to take care of him chances are you WILL have to quit your job because he is by himself while you are at work. Now if you have someone who can watch over him while you are working that's another matter--if some family member can help. If not you will have to hire someone and you may as well not be working because it will cost as much--if not more--than you working by the hour at a job for a sitter (they are about $20-$30 an hour). Let him go through rehab and you have to tell him you will be forced to take him to a nursing him IF he does not work hard to get himself independent because you will have to quit your job if he ends up an invalid. You are way too young for that. You are not giving up on him--it is out of necessity.

If he is on Medicaid already there are services like adult sitting--it's daycare for adults. Medicaid will pay for that. I don't know your working hours but that's an option--however, you must pick him up on time. Speak to a Social Worker while he's at the hospital about your options.

The hard part here is you have entwined your emotional needs with what he needs from a medical and physical aspect. So best to separate those two things and get some objectivity. Your emotions should not stand in the way of what he needs to try and get better. So yes...since you can not provide what he needs, Would you not feel better knowing you can do better for him by getting him to rehab. Don't let your needs to feel "good" stand in the way. At 25 you need to think of your future and keep a job and remain in the work field. Care can be provided by those who do those things and you can provide companionship and a living presence.

I am dealing with this very situation right now.

My answer is, no, you are not being selfish. I am 38 years old and at 25, I was in a very similar situation to you. 13 years later, I am trying desperately to free myself in many ways from being responsible for my mother.

No matter how much you love your father, he needs care that is beyond your scope and, you deserve to have a life outside of caring for him. You can visit with him and make sure that he knows how much you love him but, you should focus on yourself also while ensuring that he is getting the care he needs.

Sending you lots of love.

What a wonderful gift you've already given your father, by caring for him for two years!

Now that his needs are greater, you can give him another wonderful gift: the opportunity to watch you grow and flourish, while his medical needs are being met in an appropriate setting and by three shifts of professionals.

What most parents want most fervently is to see their children living a meaningful life. You need to have opportunity to grow in your job, to socialize, to perhaps form long-term bonds with someone special. Give your dad a chance to see this happening. Visit him often, where ever his care is, but now that he needs more care, do not tie up your whole life trying to provide it. That wouldn't be good for Dad and it wouldn't be good for You.

Please don't feel guilty. Once you find a good place for him, you can visit and do fun things with him rather than feeling burnt out which could turn into resentment regarding the level of care he needs. You love your dad very much and he is lucky to have you in his life. Best Wishes! We are here for you when you need support!

Trgray72 , you are not selfish! Look at all you've done - far more than most could have done at any age let alone when you are so young. Your dad would want you to be building your life with a career and relationships beyond caring for him. In his pain and confusion he may not be able to express this but think of his love for you as well as your love for him.

Speaking of that love, the very best care he can have now will be provided by professionals. You will be his advocate and his rock through visiting and keeping him connected. But his physical care is complicated and needs trained professionals. This won’t change even with rehab. It could improve, but he’ll continue to need far more care than you can provide.

As was mentioned, the social worker at the rehab/nursing home will be able to help you sort through this. A chaplain may also be able to help.

jeannegibbs put it well when she says that parents want to see their children flourish. Your building your life so that when his time comes he can die in peace will be the greatest gift you can give him. Even if that doesn't seem so now, in the end it is. You are not giving up. You are getting more help - trained help.

If you get a chance, we'd love to hear from you from time to time. We're all pulling for you and your dad.
Take care,
Carol

I want to commend everyone who has written here. Jeannegibbs, thank you so much for putting the right positive spin on this.

Yes, honey, your dad wants to watch you flourish in the world.

In the midst of a terrible family crisis years ago, I decided to see a therapist. Wow, all I could ask myself was "what was I waiting for?" The therapist helped me so much! All of my questions and worries evaporated. You dad needs special help; maybe you need your own help to make this "doable" for you.

Good luck! We will all be thinking of you and rooting for you!

Selfish? Absolutely, emphatically not. You are loving, thoughtful and a wonderful child. ((hugs))

I whole heartedly agree with Carol's post. Feelings of selfishness and guilt are the most common emotions we feel with regards to our loved ones -- and those feelings make us make "irrational" decisions with regard to care for our parents and loved ones. BUT as Carol points out; trying to care for a loved one with increasing skilled care needs is tough and not the best thing for anyone to take on let alone someone like yourself so young. YOUR DAD raised you to be strong and successful and to experience life's joys like he and your mom did -- so don't feel you owe him or have to pay him back -- your job and path is to pay it forward by being the best you can be -- you have a lifetime; dad's years are numbered.

Do him a favor and place him in residential care where skilled care-workers can tend to his physical needs while you get to be the loving daughter you want to be and just enjoy life's moments with him. SHare all your successes and seek his wisdom. Let him be the dad HE WANTS TO BE, without the day-to-day caregiving struggles.

You are not selfish for wanting to start your adult life. These days, you must focus on your career, health benefits, building wealth and income, starting a retirement fund, etc. Its alot tougher if you put off to care for dad or work part time and think you'll jump in later.

Not selfish at all. His needs are beyond what one person can provide. Plus you have to make a living. You sound like you're about to burn out and that will hurt your father as well as you. I have four sisters who help care for my mom. We have 12 hour shifts a few times a week as she needs 24/7 care, and I'm still burned out.
Visit as often as you are able, oversee his care, provide morale and emotional support to your father. Let the nursing home provide for his physical needs.

Everyone here has given you excellent advice. When we are growing up, our parents take care of us and we are responsible to them for our actions. What they say goes. Some people are of the mindset that no one can take better care of our parents than we, their children can, and on some level, it's our obligation. There are many people out there who take Mom, sometimes as well as Dad, to live with them. Because of my own childhood with a negative, overly-dramatic mother who could be verbally abusive, a perennial "victim", I knew this wasn't an option for me. After the 3rd time she called 911 in a week because she had messed herself, she was hospitalized with a bladder infection. From her behavior in the hospital, it was obvious to the nursing staff that she needed to be in a skilled nursing facility and the Social Worker counseled me on how to go about that. Of course I felt guilty. She was miserable and let me know it. She was convinced I had done this TO her and not FOR her. Now, she is in a great facility. She is well-taken care of and supervised by an excellent staff. We applied for Medicaid and she was approved. That's not to say that I don't still have feelings of guilt. That is natural, as I said, because for so many years we were responsible TO them and now we are responsible FOR them. But we aren't little kids anymore. We are functioning adults with lives and responsibilities of our own. We need to make adult decisions. We will always be their child,but it we are no longer A child. In that way, perhaps we are being selfish. But it's something that has to be. We have to develop a thick skin and do what we feel is right for our parents even if they don't understand that's what we are doing. You should not feel obligated to put your own life on hold to take care of your Dad 24/7. Now, having said that, if you understand this is what you are doing, that you may be taking care of him for many years and effectively taking yourself out of Society, that you are a loving daughter who only has his peace of mind at heart, then continue on the path you're going down. But I can guarantee you a life of anxiety, stress,and eventually resentment. Speak one on one with a Social Worker or even his therapists, patient representative or liaison. They can help you understand your options and what can be done for your dad without belittling you and making you feel like a "bad" daughter. Good luck and God bless!

You are not at all selfish. You have recognized that his needs are more than you can possibly handle and that he would do better in a nursing home/rehab center. You want what is best for him and that is what is best for him.

Of course not! If your father was 100% in his right mind he would tell you to get on with your own life! We have told our kids that as well. No parent should want this from their kids. (yet I know many that do). It's time to drop the guilt. A professional care taker needs to take it from here.

There is a point where it is just a bad idea to keep them at home. 1) You are not a medical professional and you cannot do it all. 2) you are still young and entitled to a life of your own. I have read a few stories about young folks who lost their jobs, giving up everything to prop up a deteriorating parent for years, and they are left with nothing. To what end? The parents aren't living their normal life any more, going to church, to the mall, to work in the garden. They aren't throwing parties or babysitting or going out to the VFW. They aren't going for Sunday drives or washing the cars. They are sitting in front of the tv in Depends most of the day. The parent gets worse, never better, so when it's time, it is time. (we kept my own mother 'at home' for as long as possible, till her money was just about gone. She had dementia, was incontinent and falling down, lying on the floor in her own waste several nights. And she didn't even know where she was, her own house! I'm sorry, at that point, they are more than ready to go to a nursing home to be better cared for, IMO.) Find a place for your dad, and you can go visit as often as you wish. You can be involved with his care as much as you wish. You'll be surprised how much time you can spend, how many things you can do with him or for him, and you will do it with a glad heart because the enormous burden will be off of you. Please read all these responses, there are no posters recommending you stay with your dad. You've done more than enough now, you CAN'T DO ANY MORE. Your time as caregiver is over, let professionals take over. Once you get your life back and adjust, you can be dad's champion and friend at his new residence, for as much as you wish, and with a lighter heart. No more guilt, you've done enough, for your sake AND for your dad's best interests, find him a place. Good luck, please check back when something happens, we have been there, done that.

Trgray72 You should be very proud of Yourself, since You are so young and have taken Care of Your Dad on Your own for two years, but as Carol rightly said Your Dad kneed's Professional's working with Him now. Your Dad will thank You because He knows You have a kind Heart.

I know each person is different where caregiving capabilities are involved. I would listen to the advice of others and at very least check into different nursing homes with different options that they offer such as rehab. Definitely shop around because not listening to others can actually be very detrimental to you and the person you're trying to care for on your own. There are some situations you may not be able to deal with on your own and those situations will likely require help

No, not at all. Live your life first.

I am going to advise from my experience. You have done your best for two years. Now it sounds like it's time to change your focus from being that of direct caregiver to a coordinator of his care, and an advocate for his best interests. Your main job...as for all of us, with elderly parents in need, is to provide for his safety and well being. That means, who are the best ones to 'do' for him. With his subsequent hip fracture, it would be rehab/nursing home...maybe eventually assisted living if he improves. You need to be prepared to care for yourself as you grow older, retire etc yourself. That means, you must work, have a career, save money, get education further, whatever is right in your life. If you are not already married with family, that may also be in your future and will also impact on your time. There is NOTHING that says a child must give up their entire future to be there for a parent. If you could talk openly with your dad, he would not want this for you either! And, as a parent ages, their needs get more and more time consuming. As his resources are used up, you may be the one who takes over the bill paying, handling his investments and assets, planning to apply for Medicaid and other benefits to take over providing for him as he runs out of resources of his own. Those activities are time consuming in and of themselves! I started providing for both of my parents 4 years ago. It turned out that my Dad had dementia and was no longer able to pay bills. Mom was also acting 'funny' and not able to care for him at home. Eventually he had to be placed in Memory Care for their safety and she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's herself. So I am living out of town, there is no family near them and Mom is home alone, and Dad is placed, and I am traveling 200 miles away about every two weeks to be sure both are doing OK and to meet with lawyers, case managers, and start working on plans for Medicaid, VA assistance etc. At that time, my husband was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. We are retired in our early 70s, so no daily work or career to also be concerned with. I was TOTALLY overwhelmed by all this, without providing 24/7 care to either of them!! And it only gets worse from that point. I had to bring in caregivers for Mom, to assure she was no longer driving, after several tickets and one sm. accident. Caregivers were able to point out to me lots of other concerns with Mom home alone too. I had to insert video monitoring to be sure she was safe when caregivers were not there. She let people in the house who stole from her and started making other poor decisions. We knew she should not be alone, but I didn't want to move her here with me, and leave them separated, so made the decision to keep her in the home with caregivers as long as Dad was alive. It's impossible to find a place where two people can be together AND that will accept Medicaid and coordinate placement for two at once!! My daughters help me a lot but both were out of town, so they were flying in to be with Mom while I completed masses of paperwork to get this govt help coming in. In the meantime, several falls and illnesses ad emergencies with Dad until the final fall, and his death last August at 93 yrs old. THEN, we could have time for grieving for Mom and start talking about AL for her. I couldn't take her in directly with my husband's future needs showing up and at my age of 72 either. Then....the time consuming task of moving her, emptying out the house and making decisions about all their 'stuff'.... putting it on the market and trying to stay on top of realtors etc until it sold in March. Then, two weeks after moving into AL, Mom falls, breaks her upper leg and has surgery and two months of rehab....before back to rehab. Lots of issues with her health there in rehab, meaning daily visits and care conferences and meetings and monitoring what was happening with her. In the middle of all that, started a VA application to get her some money assistance to help pay for AL expenses. Still not approved. Lots of paperwork to do there just like with Medicaid. This is my life and I do NOT do 24/7 care. This past July, hubby and I took a 10 day vacation together....first one together since 2003! I need to spend time with him, doing things and making memories while he is still able. He has some early signs of dementia, which can come with parkinson's too. Just giving you all this history to help you see, all the various kinds of things that COULD be coming down the pike for YOU....in the middle of your young age, working, career, etc, that you must focus on for your own secure future!! What you see happening today, is NOT going to be the same for the rest of your Dad's life. The likelihood is that it keeps going downhill, and that there is more and more for you to assist with and focus on as time goes by. That is why I recommend that you view your role now as 'coordinator of care and advocate'....

No, not selfish at all. When he is moved, you can go back to being his daughter. That is a role only you can fill; let others fill the caregiving role now. It would be truly a blessing for both of you. I speak from experience.

Would this be short or long term for him?

Lassie

This is why Assisted Suicide should be legal in all states, seriously. It gives children and their parents another option with regard to living or not.

Whaaaaaa? assisted suicide? *I* was ready for that before I got my mom into proper care in a nh, but she was still a happy person right up to the end. What a nice ending to her life! She didn't know where she was, she had Lewy Body dementia, and she was living in a nursing home, but she was cheerful, appreciative, and very pleasant to all people she came across. The people there told me every single time I visited how much they enjoyed mom's company....so assisted suicide was off the table for her, lol. Compared to some of the poor souls up there, she was pretty well off.... Mom just passed away a few days ago, truly hope she is in a better place now.

Ignore him.

8/26/2016. 12:35 p.m. PDT

Target ~ I see you have been given excellent advice. The one thing I would recommend, too, is PACE YOURSELF. You're already giving so much care so allow professionals to take over when it's reasonable and possible. You won't always have that option. Also, it's my opinion that your dad will get the best rehab care in a rehab facility, and that's what you want for him, right?

You're doing great, but you need to take breaks and allow professionals to help wherever possible. :-)

Nice autocorrect on your username, Trgray72... sorry about that!! ;-)

It depends on why you think a nursing home is better. Are you doing it because he really needs it or are you doing it because you feel he is a burden? It is understandable to put someone in a nursing home because you feel overwhelmed, but what about in-home nursing care? Have you looked into that? They can really be a big help.