Am I selfish for thinking a nursing home with rehab is the best option for my father and not taking care of him myself?

feedup: Thank you. I did not imply that all elders should be in an NH.

zyrhr: My comment about NH's was directed to the OP. I didn't say that all elders should be put in NH's because that's an untruth.

feedup

You're probably right, though there was a lady on the street I lived on who lived by herself into her 100s and even was a school crossing guard. She could still tend to her flowers/bushes and other minor yard work.

zytrhr, I doubt Llamalover47 meant people should be put in a nursing home when they reach a certain age. There are many elderly people that are pretty independent. However you must realize that them being that way still requires a vast amount of their children's time as caregivers to do that. In short order you'll find out how little of your own life you have.

Llamalover47

It sounds like you feel people of a certain age should be relegated to NHs? There are many able bodied seniors in their 70s 80s and 90s who can definitely live independently. Not all older people need to be "put away" in a NH because they reach a certain age.

'Caregiver' seems to realize what is ahead for her, from what I read, she has it under control. There must be a LOT of money available for caregivers and home health aides.. Plans to keep dear old mom at home watching TV in her wheelchair at 89? God bless. We all go into this with good intentions, but it becomes a he-ll on earth near the end. Good for you, CaregiverL!

CaregiverL: Your comment "she didn't really plan for getting sick" means that she should have, but not, set up long-term care .Are you saying "with help," that you're going to be her main caregiver because you want to move her back home, as the NH is not sufficient for her needs? So you're hiring some home health aides? Wow, that a big responsibility to shoulder! Her house in a non-countable asset so the NH can't "take" that. What happens when you bring her home as she ages? How is that going to work out?

My Mom is in nursing home now after a fall. Was in physical therapy in rehab....insurance stopped it. Then it was continued after I insisted Dr. write new script for it. Taking her home with additional medical equipment soon after physical therapy stops. Nursing home wants to take all her assets including her house and any income she has. Mom didn't really plan for getting sick. She's 89 and doesn't have LTC insurance either. If she sits all day in the wheelchair in the nursing home, then she can sit all day in her own house watching the TV. With help, she can get changed when she wants to and go to bed when she wants to. She hates the food there, too. So I have to always make her something from home and bring it over anyway. I end up going 2X a day to make sure they don't screw up her meds and forget to give her something.

JohnnyJ: Very much agree on the DPOA and MPOA.

FedUpNow: I commend you for being a wonderful wordsmith! Well said! Kudos to you!

I haven't read all the responses here but my reaction is that you are not being selfish. You have already given him two years of care which I am sure was challenging. At this stage he needs a lot of care that you just cannot give. If you find the nursing home to be a good one, seriously consider this option. You can continue making regular visits. You'll also want to monitor his care.

If you haven't done so and he is still able, make sure you are documented as his power of attorney for his health care and finances so you will be included on all medical matters and financial issues. Then find a good place for him with the knowledge and skills to see to his medical needs at least. Good luck with this search. It's an important step that will improve his care and also provide you with relief. Focus on the improving his care to ease your sense of guilt. Few of us are trained for this role and need those who are to provide the best care.

The hardest thing in the world is to put your own needs on par with everyone else's. What will you do when you lose your job, have no means of support, and cannot take care of your Dad anymore anyway? You are not selfish. You are torn between two icebergs drifting apart. You will help your Dad by being there for him while he recovers (if at all possible) with rehab in a nursing facility. You will not let them do anything bad to him. He needs you to be strong for yourself even though he may not be able to put this into words right now. You will never stop loving your Dad. But you will be doing what's right and best for both of you, not just one of you. Sending you a big hug.

I went thru this exact thing. I went through a period of time grieving over the "I should be able to take care of my mom", feeling guilty over "not taking it to the end." It's been 3 months now, and I can tell you, let your feelings out and grieve this. It does take time to work through this emotionally. Grieving is not just for death, it's ambiguous grieving. It's ok to feel sad about this. You've done a great deal of caregiving at such a young age. It's ok to let others care for your daddy. They won't care for him like you do because you love him and know him more than anyone. It takes time to let this go and it's ok for you to feel the way you do. Do find a long term care facility with a transitional care unit in-house, and find out if your dad could then transition into this facility for long term care. Bless your heart. You are a wonderful daughter and just know there are others that have experienced this and you are not alone. My prayer for you is to give you strength and peace as you walk this journey with your daddy.

Trgray72: You must place your dad! You don't have the skill set that a medical professional has to take care of him at home any longer since he has gotten worse, not to mention the burden and loss of job that would cause you. Please don't put the guilt train in your way! And BIG SHOUT OUTS to you for caring for him for 2 years! Wow!

PhoenixDaughter

I can admit I should have worded differently. This is why it is important to discuss and write down wishes for end of life decisions, now. Thank you for your comment.

Lassie and staceyb

I did not post about Assisted Suicide to get a rise out of people,seriously. It was a thought and could have been another option for loved ones to consider. How humane is it to see your loved one slowly deteriorate, especially in memory to the point where they are just "existing". Is that not what Alz does? The person can do nothing at all for him/herself? Do you recall the young lady who had brain cancer a couple years ago? How did she relieve her pain? It was a big controversial story.

Yes I'm a big proponent of caring for elders at home and keep them out of a nursing homes. I also have mentioned before many get to this stage in their life if it happens, to have a frank discussion with their loved ones, about end of life care and decisions. If Assisted suicide is part of the discussion and/or decision, then the person's wishes regarding that should be honored.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, Lassie. I believe she has found peace and is not in pain anymore.

I apologize if my comments offended anyone.

excellent advice from all. My brothers and sister and I took care of my mom 24/7 and she reached a point where she was in the hospital every month for 4 months. We were missing signs and symptoms that could have killed her. From her last visit she went to subacute rehab at a nursing home and they (doctor, Social worker) evaluated her and found that she needed more care than what we could give her at home. so she stayed there. In the 18 months she has been there she has not had one hospitalization...the staff there is on top of her conditions and I believe have kept her out of the hospital. Initially, she was not happy about going and still will bring it up occasionally. This was the best decision we could have made given all the circumstances.
Do you feel guilty, of course. We did also but when I see her gaining weight, more alert, and her medical tests are all OK, I know we made the best decision. One of us is there every day -visiting, going for walks, etc. We can enjoy visiting with her and the staff at the facility couldn't be more responsive. Don't beat yourself up for not having your parent live with you. While you can do it, great; but in a lot of cases, there comes a point where it isn't safe and they need professional care.
Are you shirking your responsibility? Not at all, you can still be responsible for them by checking on their care at the facility, being their advocate, and a number of other things that you will do--paying their bills, applying for assistance (VA, medicaid,etc), meeting with their doctor and attending staff conferences,etc. It is a tough road to travel but I will tell you that I can sleep at night knowing that if anything should happen, the staff is on top of it and will get her immediate care.

8/26/2016 12:53 p.m. Reading original poster was 39 hours ago.

zytrhr as most on here know I am totally in favour of assisted suicide FOR ME. I do wonder though if your rationale is precisely why it isn't legal you write ..... It gives children and their parents another option with regard to living or not..... The children do not have an option here - if they did that has a different term ....its called murder

If someone who has lived a full life and is then debilitated to a point where THEY don't want to live then AND ONLY THEN do I think that THEIR wishes should come into play. What if they want to live but the children want the inheritance ....oh yes lets just kill them off - bloody stupid comment in my honest opinion and not thought through

It depends on why you think a nursing home is better. Are you doing it because he really needs it or are you doing it because you feel he is a burden? It is understandable to put someone in a nursing home because you feel overwhelmed, but what about in-home nursing care? Have you looked into that? They can really be a big help.

Nice autocorrect on your username, Trgray72... sorry about that!! ;-)

Target ~ I see you have been given excellent advice. The one thing I would recommend, too, is PACE YOURSELF. You're already giving so much care so allow professionals to take over when it's reasonable and possible. You won't always have that option. Also, it's my opinion that your dad will get the best rehab care in a rehab facility, and that's what you want for him, right?

You're doing great, but you need to take breaks and allow professionals to help wherever possible. :-)

8/26/2016. 12:35 p.m. PDT

Ignore him.

Whaaaaaa? assisted suicide? *I* was ready for that before I got my mom into proper care in a nh, but she was still a happy person right up to the end. What a nice ending to her life! She didn't know where she was, she had Lewy Body dementia, and she was living in a nursing home, but she was cheerful, appreciative, and very pleasant to all people she came across. The people there told me every single time I visited how much they enjoyed mom's company....so assisted suicide was off the table for her, lol. Compared to some of the poor souls up there, she was pretty well off.... Mom just passed away a few days ago, truly hope she is in a better place now.

Lassie

This is why Assisted Suicide should be legal in all states, seriously. It gives children and their parents another option with regard to living or not.

Would this be short or long term for him?

No, not selfish at all. When he is moved, you can go back to being his daughter. That is a role only you can fill; let others fill the caregiving role now. It would be truly a blessing for both of you. I speak from experience.

I am going to advise from my experience. You have done your best for two years. Now it sounds like it's time to change your focus from being that of direct caregiver to a coordinator of his care, and an advocate for his best interests. Your main job...as for all of us, with elderly parents in need, is to provide for his safety and well being. That means, who are the best ones to 'do' for him. With his subsequent hip fracture, it would be rehab/nursing home...maybe eventually assisted living if he improves. You need to be prepared to care for yourself as you grow older, retire etc yourself. That means, you must work, have a career, save money, get education further, whatever is right in your life. If you are not already married with family, that may also be in your future and will also impact on your time. There is NOTHING that says a child must give up their entire future to be there for a parent. If you could talk openly with your dad, he would not want this for you either! And, as a parent ages, their needs get more and more time consuming. As his resources are used up, you may be the one who takes over the bill paying, handling his investments and assets, planning to apply for Medicaid and other benefits to take over providing for him as he runs out of resources of his own. Those activities are time consuming in and of themselves! I started providing for both of my parents 4 years ago. It turned out that my Dad had dementia and was no longer able to pay bills. Mom was also acting 'funny' and not able to care for him at home. Eventually he had to be placed in Memory Care for their safety and she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's herself. So I am living out of town, there is no family near them and Mom is home alone, and Dad is placed, and I am traveling 200 miles away about every two weeks to be sure both are doing OK and to meet with lawyers, case managers, and start working on plans for Medicaid, VA assistance etc. At that time, my husband was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. We are retired in our early 70s, so no daily work or career to also be concerned with. I was TOTALLY overwhelmed by all this, without providing 24/7 care to either of them!! And it only gets worse from that point. I had to bring in caregivers for Mom, to assure she was no longer driving, after several tickets and one sm. accident. Caregivers were able to point out to me lots of other concerns with Mom home alone too. I had to insert video monitoring to be sure she was safe when caregivers were not there. She let people in the house who stole from her and started making other poor decisions. We knew she should not be alone, but I didn't want to move her here with me, and leave them separated, so made the decision to keep her in the home with caregivers as long as Dad was alive. It's impossible to find a place where two people can be together AND that will accept Medicaid and coordinate placement for two at once!! My daughters help me a lot but both were out of town, so they were flying in to be with Mom while I completed masses of paperwork to get this govt help coming in. In the meantime, several falls and illnesses ad emergencies with Dad until the final fall, and his death last August at 93 yrs old. THEN, we could have time for grieving for Mom and start talking about AL for her. I couldn't take her in directly with my husband's future needs showing up and at my age of 72 either. Then....the time consuming task of moving her, emptying out the house and making decisions about all their 'stuff'.... putting it on the market and trying to stay on top of realtors etc until it sold in March. Then, two weeks after moving into AL, Mom falls, breaks her upper leg and has surgery and two months of rehab....before back to rehab. Lots of issues with her health there in rehab, meaning daily visits and care conferences and meetings and monitoring what was happening with her. In the middle of all that, started a VA application to get her some money assistance to help pay for AL expenses. Still not approved. Lots of paperwork to do there just like with Medicaid. This is my life and I do NOT do 24/7 care. This past July, hubby and I took a 10 day vacation together....first one together since 2003! I need to spend time with him, doing things and making memories while he is still able. He has some early signs of dementia, which can come with parkinson's too. Just giving you all this history to help you see, all the various kinds of things that COULD be coming down the pike for YOU....in the middle of your young age, working, career, etc, that you must focus on for your own secure future!! What you see happening today, is NOT going to be the same for the rest of your Dad's life. The likelihood is that it keeps going downhill, and that there is more and more for you to assist with and focus on as time goes by. That is why I recommend that you view your role now as 'coordinator of care and advocate'....