Should I charge my mother rent?

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Should I charge my mother rent?

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When I was younger my mother made me pay rent. I was paying 50$ a week 30+ years ago. And my first apartment was only 275$ a month. She is now 72 and lives with me and been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. And dementia. I helped her sell her condo. She paid off her car. She has no bills except for insurance. I've even been paying her phone bill because she doesn't have a debit or credit card. I buy all the groceries and only eat about 1/4 of them because I'm usually doing something and eat out most of the time. I pay all the utilities. I take her to all of her Dr appointments. I get no help from an older brother and younger sister. I work 12 hrs shifts that switch between days and nights every 2 weeks and still take her to appointments. I'm remodeling a bathroom for her and just for her. I didn't need to do anything to it before I'm just trying to make it more user friendly for her. She gets just under $3000 a month in retirement. And gives me nothing. She has been living with me for about a year and the only contribution she's maid is 50$ towards a Christmas dinner. Am I justified in feeling like she needs to pay me something? Before she became ill she would most likely have offered something for staying there. Its just that I'm getting into savings to fix up my home to more user friendly for her. None of the stuff I'm doing needed done. I even bought a hospital bed for her.

Family Caregiver Multi-generational Living Paying for Care

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Of course you should charge her rent! Even if she hadn't charged you rent when you were young, you should charge her rent. As you know, she is an extra expense and you go above and beyond a furnished room.

The advantages of charging rent are many. 1) She does not sound particularly helpful, so I think it would be useful to have a method of eviction in case you can't take it anymore. Seriously. 2) depending on how much money she has, charges against her income could help her become eligible for Medicaid assistance since she can only spend on approved expenditures and can't gift 5 years previous. There are more you CPA can tell you.

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Excellent answer! Thanks, very helpful.

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Yes you need to be reimbursed for your expenses and some rent. We just had a house built with a mother in law suite because now we are her sole caretakers. We charged her for building a bedroom and bathroom with a walk in shower because that’s what she needed. There are 3 of us living together and we split the groceries in third for her to pay her share. I do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry. She literally does nothing because she is 90 years old with Dementia. So I do not feel guilty having her pay a portion of things. I figured it out, she pays my husband and I $40.00/day for everything. If we were to have someone come into take care of her for it would cost a lot more for just 8 hours and she needs nighttime care because she has fallen at bedtime. So don’t feel guilty and charge what you think is fair.

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Allen: "Mother, we need to talk."

Mother: "ok."

Allen: "Mother, you know i love you, that's why I moved you here to live with me so I can look after you. And I've been paying all the expenses (list out all or some of the things you pay for her), but I can't afford to keep doing it. I need you to help me pay for your own expenses and a small amount of rent."

Mother: "But you're working and making money."

Allen: "Yes, I do. And since I am paying everything around here, I have little to nothing set aside for my own retirement. I need to make sure i have enough savings to live on when I stop working. So, I need your help. I need you to pay me a small amount of rent and your own expenses."

Mother: "But I'm your mother."

Allen: "Yes, And I am your son. You're making your son pay everything for you even though you have money. You're costing me my own retirement."

Mother: "But when I die, I'll leave you all the money I have."

Allen: "Mother, I'd rather you use your money on yourself now. Don't save it for me. It's your money, use it for your own care now. That's what it's for, not my inheritance."

Allen, I hope some of these lines can be useful to you or give you a starting point. Good luck.

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I love this answer!

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Don't approach it from a what's right and fair and what isn't perspective (her supporting herself is right and fair) try thinking and presenting it as the smartest thing to do for the future. Paying rent, paying to upgrade your bathroom (for her needs) purchasing a bed for herself are all acceptable things for her do be doing with her money and if the time should come that she needs more care than you can provide at home or paying caregivers to come in becomes too expensive to be affordable they are all things acceptable as expenses if she needs any assistance. I know her income sounds like it's too high at the moment but you don't have to mention that and things change. Given that she had you pay rent when you got to a certain age indicates that she is perhaps a more practical thinker than emotional one so making the assumption that she expects and even want to support herself makes sense. While I agree it seems like she should be the one initiating the conversation "I want to pay my way and contribute" it might just not be her way, so to speak, she assumes if you need her to contribute you will ask and wont be insulted or hurt in anyway when you do. My sense is she doesn't think this way but some might think that offering you money might be insulting to you and trust that if you need them to chip in you will say so.

Maybe approaching this from a reasonable, smart business perspective not an emotional one at all will help you approach the topic and her pull out the check book with not hesitation. This might also be a good time to talk to her about having the proper paperwork (POA, MPOA, Medical wishes) and arrangements (will, info about accounts etc) in order just so you are both prepared for anything. This might include an attorney who deals with elder care and estates and can help guide you both in how to determine what she should pay and pay for...

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Yes you should. What would she do without your help? She would have to pay for Assisted Living or a Nursing facility. So yes, you should have her contribute towards groceries, rent, any utility bills that she shares. What will you do when or if you are unable to work 2 shift job? I would not feel guilty either. God bless!

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Just joining the chorus to say Oh yeah, absolutely.

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You should look into a formal care contract with a certified elder attorney. If your mom should die tomorrow her estate wouid most likely be split between her three children. Not only are they not helping, they will also benefit from what you spend on mother because her estate will be greater.
What are your plans for when she needs caretaking while you are at work?
Does she have a will, DPOA, Living will ( health directive)?
If she is needy enough to be living with someone then all those documents need to be inplace. You can’t do these things retroactively and since she has dementia she will lose the ability to make competent decisions. The attorney will explain to her (and you) how to set her affairs up so that it’s fair to you and her and to where she can get Medicaid if and when the time comes that she should need it.

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She should contribute in some way. My mom pays for her personal care items from drugstore, poise pads, pull ups, etc. She pays her share of the cell phone bill. She pays for doctor appointments and meds. She doesn’t buy many clothes but she pays for clothing and shoes, purses, etc.

I have not asked for other expenses but I should!

When I had bars installed in my bathroom she paid for it.

Come up with a price that you feel is fair. Good luck to you.

Mom grew up in the depression, born in 1925. They had to be frugal so I think it’s hard for some elderly people to spend money.

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My Mum was always a bit frugal too (love that word). Lately found out she was insisting the pre-delivered meals (1 serve) were cut into half to save money. Dad admitted he was enjoying a whole dinner to himself when she was in respite care! Also told the respite nurse she uses her incontinencd panty liner for 3 days to make the packet go further.... ummm what??? and changing socks once a week to save washing powder.

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I think some parents take advantage of children just like some children take advantage of parents.

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Well said

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PolarBear said it. Talk to her. I went through my entire savings, which in retrospect, was not necessary since my Mom had her own money. But I didn't have a clue what I was doing at the time. She took care of you because she had a child, and that's what parents are supposed to do. It's the responsibility of a parent, when you choose to have a child. You are now taking care of her. Not because you are supposed to do, but because you choose to. And how lucky is she to have you! And if she has dementia? That changes the entire dynamics of the situation. Maybe she should not be in control of her money? And what does she do with her money anyway?

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I just can't believe she hasn't offered (or insisted!) to help out financially! I often feel like I'm the only person on earth that thinks the way I do. Also if u r uncomfortable asking her to contribute, maybe just say that u CAN'T afford all the bills (even if u really can). Maybe then she will feel like she's helping u instead if feeling like ur just asking bc it's right. I don't know I hope it works out for both of u:)

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My dad had the intention of moving in on us, at our expense while he paid over 500 bucks monthly for the whore that divorced him because he got old and they blew through all of his money, ss was the only thing left. I am telling you this because of your shock that she hasn't offered or insisted on paying her way.

I wouldn't let him stay because of his deception, he ended up hospitalized, we thought he would die on the way to our house, because he was not being cared for by this thing, then he was placed in a care home. I told him that I would do anything I could to help him, but not 1 penny for her. Senior citizens can be selfish, self centered and greedy beyond reality. I still get mad thinking he could care less if I had anything left as long as she got what she wanted and he got what he wanted. So sad

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Stephanie. You're not the only person who thinks that way. Just so you know! I'm just hoping some people don't offer or insist because of the dementia and confusion? That's the only way I can make sense of it. And, Allen, may it's time to make a 'stand'. If that makes sense.

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I definitely think she should help out. It would be different if she were destitute with no money coming in but $3,000 a month with no bills would be like winning the lottery for me lol. With her mental problems she probably just hasn't thought to offer. Or she's giving it to your drug addict sibling (that seems to happen a lot I've been seeing)

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My mother lives with us. She has to have money pry-barred out of her every month even though she eats all her meals with us, uses a lot of utilities; including television 24/7, and has a private apartment/kitchenette away from the rest of us. It’s a pain having to hear that we are bankrupting her each month when she pays her rent and how will she now afford to pay her 9 credit cards and buy her junk food from Dollar General. We are standing firm as she is getting a bargain in care for what she pays. If she has no money for online shopping that’s too bad.

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I totally understand were you are coming from. It is hard for us to charge rent for our parents because we feel obligated to be there for them. Just recently I started charging my father in law 500$ a month. My professional job is a caregiver, I take care of my neighbor across the street full time, plus my father in law. I've taken on full responsibility on my loved one now with no help from his other son. I've lost out on other patients and our money is dwindling down now. Tell your mother she needs to help, if you had a caregiver come in and take care of her it would come out of her pocket. Yes charge her something, you would have peace of mind and everyone would get along much easier.

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HELL, YES. Charge her 1000 dollars a Month, That is Fair and Square and Actually with the Food, Utilities and GOOD CARE....MORE THAN FAIR!!!

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Caring for someone requires sacrifice from your life savings and income; you can charge rent but be mindful of taxes that must be paid with any income into your account. You can also set up a "caregiver's contract" with an eldercare attorney then see a tax lawyer about getting a corporate account set up -- which MUST be done right -- so you get more tax breaks. She is very lucky to have a very generous retirement income and can certainly pay you -- but you MUST adhere to tax laws. See an eldercare attorney for details and estate planning. If she ever ends up in a nursing home it will wipe out her savings and there is a five year look back law to get on Medicaid so you really need to do this very carefully.

If she is not willing she can certainly live in an assisted living facility and with her income she can live in a very nice one. Everything you are doing an assisted living facility can do for her.

PS: If she is on Medicare, they can provide a hospital bed at no charge. All they need is a doctor's order.

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Being a corporation has expenses that would not be justified in a rental situation like this. You have annual corp commission fee and annual corporate minutes that must be kept, not to mention the state licensing required which triggers a need for commercial liability insurance. A tax attorney or a good tax cpa can better advice him on the best financial route for his circumstances.

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You should absolutely charge your mother rent. If she wasn’t living with you and was in an assisted living or nursing home it would be costing her a hell of a lot more. My mother has lived with me for the last 10 years and has a very nice situation can I charge her $500 a month. Believe me it’s a bargain for her and the rest of my family

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Are you her power of attorney for financial and medical affairs? If yes, you can use her money to hire a caregiver to help take care of her. They usually work a minimum of 4 hrs each day and can take her to medical appointments. You wouldn’t have to take time off work to do that anymore.

Also, sign up for Meals on Wheels. The caregiver can help with giving her the food, clean up after each meal, give her meds (already set aside by you) and help her with bathing.

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Unless you are Forbes level and able to live more leisurely the answer is yes. Be sure to make or buy a rental agreement too. Put everything in writing this way as she ages and goes into other physical or mental stages to protect yourself as you cannot predict the future.
If you have an attorney I would pass some things by them. God Bless.

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Charge her rent and cut back on your hours at your job. Trust me you won’t get compensated for all the extras you are doing.

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My Dad paid for the in-law apt we added as he did not want to cause us financial hardship taking him in. He pays the difference in real estate taxes and insurance as well as his cell phone, meds and junk he likes to eat/drink each week. He actually enjoys going to the store with me and doing his own “shopping.” He even picks up a “surprise” treat for me - so sweet!! When the time comes, he will pay for home care as needed. I pay for groceries and utilities which I’m fine with because I don’t want to nickel and dime him and will work from home part time when he should no longer be home alone.

Am I benefiting from the increased value added to my home? Absolutely. But it is far less expensive than going into a nursing home plus he is surrounded by love, good meals, conversation and support and is home. The toll on caregivers is high but I do it willingly. I have zero guilt. If i were wealthy, I might not have him kick in at all but that’s not my situation.

i do keep a notebook of “Dad” expenses in case my siblings ever question how his money was spent.

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Yes she should pay you room and board, a reasonable amount. But, do not consider it as "giving" that implies a gift. It is paying her way. A fixed amount monthly and documented if the form of a lease.

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Of course, she should be contributing, especially if it’s financially straining for you, although you didn’t specifically mention that, other than you work.
You did mention that if she were healthy, she’d help, which is the right thing to do.
I think that you should make the decisions about how her assets are handled, especially since she has mental ailments.
Its difficult, but fair & necessary.

A bit of wisdom.

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I would definitely talk to a CPA or a tax attorney and ask about how charging rent might affect your right to file tour taxes as head of household. If you’re not currently filing as head of household, you might want to do that. I don’t know if or how charging rent would affect that, or which would be more advantageous, but it is worth looking into.

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I pay everything except I make my mom pay for DirecTv and the Landline because those are her non-negotiables. (Those total up to around $200) Sometimes she has to help me pay for plumbing repairs or 1/2 of improvements we make to the house. She pays for her meals out (unless its her birthday), but I pay the mortgage, utilities, groceries, car, car insurance, taxes (house and income). I take her to all doctor appointments using my sick time, do all the chores, as she can't do too much since her balance is off. I am now her POA both financial and medical. I pay all of her bills (from her accounts). She just has to pay for her insurance, meds, and her credit card bills. I tell her she has happy money, as well she should in retirement, but I should have a little happy money too. She has just been diagnosed with vascular dementia. It is difficult to work full-time and be a caregiver. I have a teen daughter who doesn't do chores on a regular basis. I do have someone come in twice a week to do light chores, fix mom lunch and watch her. Mom actually would prefer that I pay that! Imagine! Bless you for being a caregiver. Do ask for help where you can from her. It is ok. You have to draw the line and that's ok too. You are not a doormat.

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Yes. My mother insisted I take $700. I figure that 400$ is food and necessities. Another 100$ is utilities (she keeps the heat at 80). So that leaves 200$ a month leftover so I can pay for my mental health care because this is so not fun or enjoyable. :)

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My mother in law lived with us for years. We got along great and I never had a problem with it. Then she started to decline mentally. I had to work as well as my husband and realized it wasn't safe for her to be alone. So I started to look into AL. She only had a very tiny check from SS and I knew nothing about medicaid. I was told I had to charge her rent. I was horrified as I would never take any money from her. But finally had to do it (and show the checks). But they wouldn't tell me how much to charge. So I guessed at how much. Turned in the paperwork and the woman said, "That's not enough." I started to get mad and asked, "Well how much should I be charging her?" And she told me. So I told her I would charge her that much from now on and she approved it on the spot. Why in the world they played games like that was beyond me. She ended up in a great AL before she had to go into a nursing home. At the end I was the only one she recognized. I'm so thankful I had the time with her I did. I'm also thankful the AL and Nursing home were right down the road from me. And I was allowed 24 hour access so I could always check on her.

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Your mother gets quite a bit - $3,000.00 a month?! My mom lives with me and yes pays me some rent. I'm on a very tight budget and almost all of it goes towards groceries as she eats a lot and most meals at home. I also am the errand girl, take off from work if she has an appointment, driver her an hour out of town because she will not switch doctors and it also goes towards water, electricity, & cable. She is at my home enjoying it all day. I feel like since I'm single it is only fair. Plus I'm saving her over $500.00 if she continued to stay in her own apartment.

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It is perfectly reasonable she should contribute to living expenses. This should be called helping with responsibilities not rent. You are right.

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Should I charge my mother rent?

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