Should I feel guilty about my husband and I moving away from my 94-yr-old mother?

Are you her DPoA? If not, is anyone?

A senior doesn't need to fall to become depressed, or start having memory or cognitive or loneliness issues.

Your choices are:

- transition into a nice, reputable AL -- either in the town where she currently is (and before you move); or to a facility in the town where you are moving.

- you hire a rotation of aids to keep her in her home, if she can afford it and you wish to manage it daily (and it won't be cheap or easy during the current labor shortage).

No matter what solution you choose she probably won't like the change. If you are her PoA you do what works for *you*.

If I were in your shoes I'd opt to move her to a facility where I'll be living. There can be much to manage and at 94, she's not far from a profound health event or accident that will require more of your involvement, at least for a while. Trying to deal with it from afar will be pretty stressful.

Don't be concerned with the argument that she won't know anyone in your new home town... at 94 and with limited mobility her social life is extremely limited anyway. This is why I personally would opt for a nice facility that has a good reputation, plenty of staff and daily activities, clubs, and events for their residents. And accepts Medicaid.

Your original question is about whether you should feel guilty if you move away. This depends on whether you are her PoA. And how connected to her you are. It's not whether you *should* feel guilty, but can you prevent yourself from feeling this way? Honestly, I don't think I could at her age. If she were 74 it'd be a different scenario.

I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions.

Mom needs to be around people and have assistance. Please try to find her an AL facility before you move. It will be easier to get mom and her affairs settled while you are still there. Her home will need sold, a reputable facility needs to be found, she will need a physician to diagnose her with whatever she has going on so that the facility will have some idea of the care required, etc. She won't be able to manage any of that. So there is your laundry list of things to do prior to moving on with your new husband.

I would feel guilty if I left and didn't get my mom in a safe environment and surrounded by the care she needs.

Your mother sounds in great shape for 94 Lots of people use walkers. Lots have a dodgy memory. Does not mean they needed to go into AL. It does not sound like she does.

You don’t give much in the way of details of the day to day. People here are assuming you do full time care based solely on her age. I think if you did you would have said so. You also would have explained how you planned to replace that. The fact you say your husband is concerned only about falls implies you don’t. And given he is concerned about depression etc coming as a result of a fall tells us she is OK on those fronts now.

So tell her you want to move out to live your married life in your own home and she can then decide with your inout what help she might need to obtain when you are gone.

Only you know her condition and only you can decide these things, dependent on how far away you will be, what her resources are to hire care to check on her daily, what her mental condition and physical conditions are, and etc. Placement for Mom might be the best option here, but you will have to explore your own options taking into consideration all the knowledge you have of your Mom and her case. Good luck.

There's lots I don't know about your situation - are you planning to move out of town? how far away? any family and friends close to her? is she reasonably independent or are you providing more care than you realize? My husband and I wanted to move to our retirement place when my dad was in his mid-90's and living in his own house, but I was providing lots of support with driving, meals, etc, etc, etc. so we kept postponing our move plans "until Daddy is dead." Well, finally at 97 I got him to move to assisted living and again, didn't leave town since he wanted me nearby and it was only "until Daddy dies." Then finally on his 100th birthday my husband and I decided we had to make the move and we moved from VA to FL. My dad lives in the assisted living where he is getting good care, but he does miss my many times per week visits. I go back to visit him every three weeks (luckily I can afford the airfare, rental car, hotels, etc). We learned that we couldn't keep putting off our own lives. The best you can do is get your mom into a safe situation and then go live your own life. It's not perfect for any of us, but it's better than it was when my husband and I felt like we were just waiting for my dad to die so we could have our lives back. My dad is heading to 101 in a couple of months. His new goal is 107 and I think he may make it.

Get mom set up in AL...... at 94, she needs help available to her 24/7, food 3x a day served to her, doctors who come to see her, activities, socialization, help with ADLs, etc. Period. If you set her up to live safely, then you can move away and come back for visits and crises. Otherwise, I don't see how you can leave her to live alone and expect that she'll be OK. Especially that you've been living with her and now she'd be alone!

Love your DH for worrying about your Mom. Falls are a big concern. A broken hip can mean death or a sudden decline in mental health. Not that she won't fall in an AL. As my RN daughter says, they will fall. She turned her head for one second and her patient fell. At 94 Moms legs are not all that great. She is using a walker already and that is not a guarantee she will not fall.

I would not want to oversee in home care from a distance. So my suggestion would be place Mom in an AL. Where us her choice.

Your husband is very thoughtful and generous. If you both think it is the right thing to do, stay with your mother. Hire help to come to the home to care for her, if you are not always at home. If you and your husband both work, consider hiring help for yourselves, as well, such as housecleaning, gardening, etc. so that you don't get burned out. Take some time for yourselves. While she is still able to sign legal documents, make sure that her paperwork is in order. She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will, if she has assets (such as owning a house). Financial institutions have their own POA forms, and her POA needs to be on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on her behalf. This can be done with a phone call, with her sitting next to the POA. Get connected with a local social worker to explain what her and your options are. If your mother has assets, you may want to get an attorney who specializes in elder law. If she can't care for herself, there are 2 basic options: hire caregivers to care for her in her home, or she can move to a memory care/assisted living facility/skilled nursing.

Guilt is a feeling not something you can poll a bunch of people about. From your query it seems as if your spouse is more concerned about your mom's welfare than you are. Are you moving far away or close by. Either way you can't just leave her in the home unaided.

It is your obligation to make sure she is safe and well cared for. Whether it's done by you or not is your decision, but I don't think you can in good conscience just pick up and move out and leave her to her own devices.

As long as you make sure someone will be with mom, pretty much all day and probably all night, there would be little to feel guilty about.

If she has memory issues now, be prepared for a possibly quick decline. Often, when things change in the home, there is a mental decline.

It kind of sounds like your husband is more reluctant to move than you in regard to his concern about your mom. Sounds like he would be willing to stay put. Is there a reason you don't want to be there any longer? And would mom's finances afford her the same caregiving situation that she has with the two of you at this time?

So she will be living on her own? Unless she has help, she is very vulnerable. I don't think that is safe. You don't say if she is going to assisted living?
Seems harsh unless there are plans to take care of her.

I think that moving out will inevitably cause you more stress than staying.

Unless you can get her into an AL or unless you can get her round the clock oversight at home, I think she is very vulnerable being alone unless she has other supports you didn’t mention.

I know you want to start your new life but your Mom needs help and unless you have a serious care plan in place, she’s at risk for hurting herself.

I have my mother in an Assisted Living, she is 97. I have my stepmother in Memory Care, she is 84.

There is no way that I would live with either of them or have them live with me.

However, I will make sure they both are well cared for and will stay in the area until they are both gone.

IMO, it is imperative that I stay close by to make sure they are properly cared for.

I don’t think you should feel guilty about moving but I think you should help your mother find care. Either home care or in AL. Her care needs will only increase and you would need to find help any way.

Frankly, I agree with your husband. Mom's condition will surely decline in time - her memory will get worse and so will her mobility. She is very vulnerable in a house by herself; and cannot & should not be left alone. If you are dead set about leaving your mother's house, you MUST secure good, reliable care for her before you leave. I hope you plan to stay nearby to oversee her care, whether she is in a facility or whether you hire in-home assistance. Stay in touch and let us know your decision.

NO, I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO MOVE FROM YOUR MOM...ARE YOU KIDDING??? SHE NEEDS YOUR HELP. IMAGINE IF YOU WERE HER AGE, WOULDN'T YOU HOPE SOMEONE WOULD HELP YOU?????

to care for your mom is love. Moving away is the opposite of love. Love is an action, a sacrifice. Moving away is abandonment. You may feel regret all your life if you dont at least stay nearby.

Guilt is unconscious. It's not something you can turn on or off at will. Guilt is not an issue. Doing something that will bring consequences is. Moving away from your mother is fine, as long as you make sure that your mother will get help after you go.

Considering her age I would stay with her and also get outside help.

You and your husband have a right to move away and live the life you want without the totally unnecessary guilt put upon either one of you.
Your husband's concern should be whether or not you are getting depressed. Not your mother.
If your mother still possesses enough mental faculties that the three of you can sit down and have a talk with her, have one. Tell her what her choices are. She can move to a senior community where she won't be alone. She can go to AL where she will get meals and help that she needs. She can stay where she is and have live-in caregiving help. You and your husband will of course make sure she is cared for before you move. You two can be her advocates, not her slaves.
Please don't let any of the martyrs and "saints" here make you feel guilty and ashamed because you don't want to sacrifice your life to be your mother's caregiver. You and your husband have a right to live your lives and to do so wherever you want.
My mother is trying to put the guilt trip on me now because I'm back together with my ex-husband and moving out. We're buying a place with an 'in-law' suite. She's angry because our son is going to live there because he's in school. I told that kid he better get a Ph.D and stay for a long time.
My mother told me that she knows I don't love her. I told her she is wrong.
I do love her. Only I love my husband, son, and myself more. That's nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. I will make sure she has homecare services. I'll still help her out. Only it will be on my terms not hers.

Only you know how to prevent or assuage your own guilt. The fact that you even have to ask tells me that just the thought of leaving her makes you feel guilty. Personally, I agree with your husband and would stay. HOWEVER, I understand a new marriage needing space so is it possible to either move her into assisted living near you or for you to move out of her house but remain close by enough to check on her daily? That seems like a compromise that might work for all 3 of you.

We cannot begin to determine what is best for your family and your mother. You have to make decisions you can live with. What others feel & think should not be an issue.

At 94 I would imagine your mom would need at the very least PT care of some kind in her home or move her to AL. How far away will you move? Will you be able to visit and see if she is being cared for?

My mom and husband's aunt are 86 & 93 and live in their homes with PT & FT care. The oldest has more care. Of course they would prefer to live with family or have family move in with them. All elders seem to become demanding and entitled as they age. Putting the guilt trip on you is very common.

You do not need to live with mom. As long as her needs are met your responsibilities are complete.

When I was looking for a place for my Daddy, he was unable to care for himself. I wanted to make sure I could visit him daily if not more that once a day. It cost me as in time and money but that was the best care and time I spent. If I had to do it all over again I would. The choice is up to you and what you can give to your mom. Prayers for you and yours.

What is "away"? In my experience, placement can be fine in the right place. In fact, keeping people at home with you isn't fine if it isn't a "right" place. But any placement needs eyes on supervision of care at times. I would place her near enough to drop in on a frequent basis, briefly is fine. Old people can be guilt inducing, young people as well. As you get older, speaking from my own experience, you just can't do what you once did. You feel quite vulnerable and like the idea of someone you love, and vice-versa, near by. If they care about you, they sense this need, and it can make them feel guilty. It is more helpful for them to think logically about what they are responsible for and can realistically affect, and follow through on that.

As others have stated, if you feel you need to move then ensure she has care services coordinated. There is a lot of information missing here...

What caused you and your husband to move in with her in the first place, and when did you move in?

Did moving in allow you and your husband an opportunity to save money for your future move?

Did mother "gift" any funds to you and your husband?

I agree with your husband. Everything he has told you is completely true regarding your mom. The possibilities of her falling and having mental issues will happen especially if she is left alone in the house. You have numerous options but those will come at a long term cost ($4,000 to $7,000 monthly) for an Assisted living facility or Memory care facility. This does not include other charges like the non-refundable down payment, laundry service, etc. You're lucky your mom is still alive! Once she is gone that is it

Please find her a facility near your new home, so that you can be with her in this last chapter of her life...............it almost makes me want to cry, just thinking about you driving away: it is a sad commentary on motherhood.

Seems like mom can't live independently anymore. If you and your hubby do not want her living with you, please make arrangements for her to move to assisted living or skilled nursing care upon the advice of her doctor.

SharonElizabeth: Perhaps your mother can opt for managed care facility living.