Should I feel guilty about my husband and I moving away from my 94-yr-old mother?

I haven’t been in this forum very long, and my first post was in regards to my father’s difficult behaviour. Even though this is irrelevant to this topic of discussion, I will say that when we decided to have my father come live with us, he was very reluctant to
leave his home and my
siblings couldn’t or simply didn’t want to take him into their homes or put him into care for reasons of their own. So we took him after only bring married a little over two years at the time. My mum had passed a year after we were married but Dad was still able to care for her. Then he had a car accident and he quite willingly surrendered his drivers license, which was good. He was 84 then. He was doing other silly careless things regarding financial matters, so my brother became his POA, and took over that side of things, and lastly the family home was a hazard with too many stairs among other things that could cause Dad to fall etc, which is how my mum died.
So he’s been with us almost two years and has mild dementia. But he’s safer with us.

I am so confused. A 94 yr old mother must have a daughter about 60 years old . Being a Caretaker for 5 years now and the limited information in the initial question make it very difficult for me to respond. I also try not to judge. I have not lived in this persons shoes . I don’t know her or her personality . I don’t know what type of relationship she has with her mother. For all I know, this marriage that happened in December, could be her only real joy that she’s ever had in her life. ?? who’s knows ?? All that said , I feel she should get some help and information from her local Council on Aging and work with mom (if possibly) to get mom into someplace where she will be safe and taken care off. Guilt is not always generated from the inside , sometime it’s dropped on because of what other people think ..
Prays are with every Caretaker out there !

Your question doesn't say anything about the support system you will insert in your absence, how you will.monitor that support system, and what plan B, C, D, and E you have when that system cracks (and it will crack).

Many time in life, we feel guilty because we are doing wrong. Build and monitor the support system until you can know in your heart you have nothing to feel bad about.

I would love to hear the mother's side of this story. Maybe we aren't hearing from the OP because Adult Protective Services is interviewing her and hubby.

SharonElizabeth,

How are you doing? How is your mom. Please come back and let us all know more.

My father is 86 and living with us. Like you we haven’t been married for very long. I wish we could’ve let my father stay in his own home but his memory was going and he was doing stupid things living alone. and is much worse now, as well as other behaviour problems. My siblings don’t want him to put him into care for their own greedy reasons. Oh yes, I get the “We’re so grateful that you and hubby are looking after Dad, Thanks so much” It’s like Thank God we dodged that bullet.
Put your Mum into care and don’t get guilted into looking after your aged parent like I did.

I've re-read your brief post 3 times, and for the life of me I don't understand your statement and your question as they relate to one another.

Being honest to goodness thick headed I think if I slowly repeat it once again and splice your question with your post I may get it. Please be patient with me. It may help both of us.

Should I feel guilty about moving away from my 94, year old mother who has difficulty walking. Should I feel guilty about moving away from my 94 year old mother with my new husband who is worried about old mom falling. Also, new husband is worried about her becoming depressed thus causing mental and physical decline.

Honey babe, anyone who would stay with a person who would leave their weak almost century old mom, deserves what they married. At least they'll clearly know what to expect when their time comes.

Give me a minute I'm trying to imagine my new hunky man telling me, "yeah babe let's give the old broad the old heave ho. What? Of course I'd never do that to you". Yup, sounds real sexy to me. Bonus points too for making me feel real proud.

Also, any man who is not sure, (come on now, who doesn't love an unsure man), again, not sure that it's a wrong decision to leave an old lady, well then, well, let me see, no, no, give me a minute. Y'a know what I think, if your garage is connected to your house please check right now to see if you left the car running.

And I always love this one every time - Should you feel guilty. it's just too hilarious. Still I have to give you the prize. This is the absolute very first time the word guilt is properly used. I suspect you may not understand but your decision could cause actual harm.

I figure from you mom's age your guys are not spring chickens either. You're extremely lucky to have found each other. Why not find a nice facility that you can all move in. You know one of those one story places. Meals are provided for those who want that plan. For a small extra fee once or twice a month housekeeping may be available. Your mom can be with those that needs meals and more assistance. You and Mr. You can live with the fun senior more independent group, but to leave your mom in her home stretch years, so close to her finish line, is mind blowing.

Forgive me. Perhaps in your haste you left a lot, like tons, out. You may have meant - Finally, I found happiness and recently married. Life is short and my new husband and I want to enjoy a life a part from mom. We found her a wonderful senior home where she can make friends and enjoy games and movies communally, there's a nice dinning room that serves 3 meals a day, and fruits and popcorn are available 24/7 at a little cute snack bar near the communal lounge. There's also an onsite beauty parlor open twice a week, and enriching actives and occasional trips are scheduled weekly. The facility also has a nurse on staff and housekeeping is provided. And we intend to visit her at least 3 times a week but we'd like to live our lives too and rent/buy our own home no more than 10 miles from mom. It would be a big change for all of us but a healthy change. Do you agree?

Sure that's okay.

Sincerely, I ask for forgiveness if I have made a big ugly mistake and you positively didn't mean to leave her flat. I'm not right to jump to conclusion.

But only going by what you wrote, you should not feel guilty. You should feel ashamed.

If you have kids and grandkids, know that you are still teaching them that what's good for the goose is going to goose you one day.

Your husband has common sense.

wow be happy that your husband cares about your mother - sounds very unselfish.

hmmmm well i was told once you can't live your life thru your parents no matter how old they are! that is true but when they are up in years that situation is different! it depends on if you really want to move, bc if you can live with her being far away only you can decide. would she go with you - or you could have care to help her live her life out where she is now. Good luck

SharonElizabeth: Perhaps your mother can opt for managed care facility living.

Seems like mom can't live independently anymore. If you and your hubby do not want her living with you, please make arrangements for her to move to assisted living or skilled nursing care upon the advice of her doctor.

Please find her a facility near your new home, so that you can be with her in this last chapter of her life...............it almost makes me want to cry, just thinking about you driving away: it is a sad commentary on motherhood.

I agree with your husband. Everything he has told you is completely true regarding your mom. The possibilities of her falling and having mental issues will happen especially if she is left alone in the house. You have numerous options but those will come at a long term cost ($4,000 to $7,000 monthly) for an Assisted living facility or Memory care facility. This does not include other charges like the non-refundable down payment, laundry service, etc. You're lucky your mom is still alive! Once she is gone that is it

As others have stated, if you feel you need to move then ensure she has care services coordinated. There is a lot of information missing here...

What caused you and your husband to move in with her in the first place, and when did you move in?

Did moving in allow you and your husband an opportunity to save money for your future move?

Did mother "gift" any funds to you and your husband?

What is "away"? In my experience, placement can be fine in the right place. In fact, keeping people at home with you isn't fine if it isn't a "right" place. But any placement needs eyes on supervision of care at times. I would place her near enough to drop in on a frequent basis, briefly is fine. Old people can be guilt inducing, young people as well. As you get older, speaking from my own experience, you just can't do what you once did. You feel quite vulnerable and like the idea of someone you love, and vice-versa, near by. If they care about you, they sense this need, and it can make them feel guilty. It is more helpful for them to think logically about what they are responsible for and can realistically affect, and follow through on that.

When I was looking for a place for my Daddy, he was unable to care for himself. I wanted to make sure I could visit him daily if not more that once a day. It cost me as in time and money but that was the best care and time I spent. If I had to do it all over again I would. The choice is up to you and what you can give to your mom. Prayers for you and yours.

We cannot begin to determine what is best for your family and your mother. You have to make decisions you can live with. What others feel & think should not be an issue.

At 94 I would imagine your mom would need at the very least PT care of some kind in her home or move her to AL. How far away will you move? Will you be able to visit and see if she is being cared for?

My mom and husband's aunt are 86 & 93 and live in their homes with PT & FT care. The oldest has more care. Of course they would prefer to live with family or have family move in with them. All elders seem to become demanding and entitled as they age. Putting the guilt trip on you is very common.

You do not need to live with mom. As long as her needs are met your responsibilities are complete.

Only you know how to prevent or assuage your own guilt. The fact that you even have to ask tells me that just the thought of leaving her makes you feel guilty. Personally, I agree with your husband and would stay. HOWEVER, I understand a new marriage needing space so is it possible to either move her into assisted living near you or for you to move out of her house but remain close by enough to check on her daily? That seems like a compromise that might work for all 3 of you.

You and your husband have a right to move away and live the life you want without the totally unnecessary guilt put upon either one of you.
Your husband's concern should be whether or not you are getting depressed. Not your mother.
If your mother still possesses enough mental faculties that the three of you can sit down and have a talk with her, have one. Tell her what her choices are. She can move to a senior community where she won't be alone. She can go to AL where she will get meals and help that she needs. She can stay where she is and have live-in caregiving help. You and your husband will of course make sure she is cared for before you move. You two can be her advocates, not her slaves.
Please don't let any of the martyrs and "saints" here make you feel guilty and ashamed because you don't want to sacrifice your life to be your mother's caregiver. You and your husband have a right to live your lives and to do so wherever you want.
My mother is trying to put the guilt trip on me now because I'm back together with my ex-husband and moving out. We're buying a place with an 'in-law' suite. She's angry because our son is going to live there because he's in school. I told that kid he better get a Ph.D and stay for a long time.
My mother told me that she knows I don't love her. I told her she is wrong.
I do love her. Only I love my husband, son, and myself more. That's nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of. I will make sure she has homecare services. I'll still help her out. Only it will be on my terms not hers.

Considering her age I would stay with her and also get outside help.

Guilt is unconscious. It's not something you can turn on or off at will. Guilt is not an issue. Doing something that will bring consequences is. Moving away from your mother is fine, as long as you make sure that your mother will get help after you go.

to care for your mom is love. Moving away is the opposite of love. Love is an action, a sacrifice. Moving away is abandonment. You may feel regret all your life if you dont at least stay nearby.

NO, I DON'T THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO MOVE FROM YOUR MOM...ARE YOU KIDDING??? SHE NEEDS YOUR HELP. IMAGINE IF YOU WERE HER AGE, WOULDN'T YOU HOPE SOMEONE WOULD HELP YOU?????

Frankly, I agree with your husband. Mom's condition will surely decline in time - her memory will get worse and so will her mobility. She is very vulnerable in a house by herself; and cannot & should not be left alone. If you are dead set about leaving your mother's house, you MUST secure good, reliable care for her before you leave. I hope you plan to stay nearby to oversee her care, whether she is in a facility or whether you hire in-home assistance. Stay in touch and let us know your decision.

I don’t think you should feel guilty about moving but I think you should help your mother find care. Either home care or in AL. Her care needs will only increase and you would need to find help any way.

I have my mother in an Assisted Living, she is 97. I have my stepmother in Memory Care, she is 84.

There is no way that I would live with either of them or have them live with me.

However, I will make sure they both are well cared for and will stay in the area until they are both gone.

IMO, it is imperative that I stay close by to make sure they are properly cared for.

I think that moving out will inevitably cause you more stress than staying.

Unless you can get her into an AL or unless you can get her round the clock oversight at home, I think she is very vulnerable being alone unless she has other supports you didn’t mention.

I know you want to start your new life but your Mom needs help and unless you have a serious care plan in place, she’s at risk for hurting herself.

So she will be living on her own? Unless she has help, she is very vulnerable. I don't think that is safe. You don't say if she is going to assisted living?
Seems harsh unless there are plans to take care of her.

As long as you make sure someone will be with mom, pretty much all day and probably all night, there would be little to feel guilty about.

If she has memory issues now, be prepared for a possibly quick decline. Often, when things change in the home, there is a mental decline.

It kind of sounds like your husband is more reluctant to move than you in regard to his concern about your mom. Sounds like he would be willing to stay put. Is there a reason you don't want to be there any longer? And would mom's finances afford her the same caregiving situation that she has with the two of you at this time?

It is your obligation to make sure she is safe and well cared for. Whether it's done by you or not is your decision, but I don't think you can in good conscience just pick up and move out and leave her to her own devices.