Should I feel guilty about my husband and I moving away from my 94-yr-old mother?

Guilt is a feeling not something you can poll a bunch of people about. From your query it seems as if your spouse is more concerned about your mom's welfare than you are. Are you moving far away or close by. Either way you can't just leave her in the home unaided.

Your husband is very thoughtful and generous. If you both think it is the right thing to do, stay with your mother. Hire help to come to the home to care for her, if you are not always at home. If you and your husband both work, consider hiring help for yourselves, as well, such as housecleaning, gardening, etc. so that you don't get burned out. Take some time for yourselves. While she is still able to sign legal documents, make sure that her paperwork is in order. She needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will, if she has assets (such as owning a house). Financial institutions have their own POA forms, and her POA needs to be on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on her behalf. This can be done with a phone call, with her sitting next to the POA. Get connected with a local social worker to explain what her and your options are. If your mother has assets, you may want to get an attorney who specializes in elder law. If she can't care for herself, there are 2 basic options: hire caregivers to care for her in her home, or she can move to a memory care/assisted living facility/skilled nursing.

Love your DH for worrying about your Mom. Falls are a big concern. A broken hip can mean death or a sudden decline in mental health. Not that she won't fall in an AL. As my RN daughter says, they will fall. She turned her head for one second and her patient fell. At 94 Moms legs are not all that great. She is using a walker already and that is not a guarantee she will not fall.

I would not want to oversee in home care from a distance. So my suggestion would be place Mom in an AL. Where us her choice.

Get mom set up in AL...... at 94, she needs help available to her 24/7, food 3x a day served to her, doctors who come to see her, activities, socialization, help with ADLs, etc. Period. If you set her up to live safely, then you can move away and come back for visits and crises. Otherwise, I don't see how you can leave her to live alone and expect that she'll be OK. Especially that you've been living with her and now she'd be alone!

There's lots I don't know about your situation - are you planning to move out of town? how far away? any family and friends close to her? is she reasonably independent or are you providing more care than you realize? My husband and I wanted to move to our retirement place when my dad was in his mid-90's and living in his own house, but I was providing lots of support with driving, meals, etc, etc, etc. so we kept postponing our move plans "until Daddy is dead." Well, finally at 97 I got him to move to assisted living and again, didn't leave town since he wanted me nearby and it was only "until Daddy dies." Then finally on his 100th birthday my husband and I decided we had to make the move and we moved from VA to FL. My dad lives in the assisted living where he is getting good care, but he does miss my many times per week visits. I go back to visit him every three weeks (luckily I can afford the airfare, rental car, hotels, etc). We learned that we couldn't keep putting off our own lives. The best you can do is get your mom into a safe situation and then go live your own life. It's not perfect for any of us, but it's better than it was when my husband and I felt like we were just waiting for my dad to die so we could have our lives back. My dad is heading to 101 in a couple of months. His new goal is 107 and I think he may make it.

Only you know her condition and only you can decide these things, dependent on how far away you will be, what her resources are to hire care to check on her daily, what her mental condition and physical conditions are, and etc. Placement for Mom might be the best option here, but you will have to explore your own options taking into consideration all the knowledge you have of your Mom and her case. Good luck.

Your mother sounds in great shape for 94 Lots of people use walkers. Lots have a dodgy memory. Does not mean they needed to go into AL. It does not sound like she does.

You don’t give much in the way of details of the day to day. People here are assuming you do full time care based solely on her age. I think if you did you would have said so. You also would have explained how you planned to replace that. The fact you say your husband is concerned only about falls implies you don’t. And given he is concerned about depression etc coming as a result of a fall tells us she is OK on those fronts now.

So tell her you want to move out to live your married life in your own home and she can then decide with your inout what help she might need to obtain when you are gone.

Mom needs to be around people and have assistance. Please try to find her an AL facility before you move. It will be easier to get mom and her affairs settled while you are still there. Her home will need sold, a reputable facility needs to be found, she will need a physician to diagnose her with whatever she has going on so that the facility will have some idea of the care required, etc. She won't be able to manage any of that. So there is your laundry list of things to do prior to moving on with your new husband.

I would feel guilty if I left and didn't get my mom in a safe environment and surrounded by the care she needs.

Are you her DPoA? If not, is anyone?

A senior doesn't need to fall to become depressed, or start having memory or cognitive or loneliness issues.

Your choices are:

- transition into a nice, reputable AL -- either in the town where she currently is (and before you move); or to a facility in the town where you are moving.

- you hire a rotation of aids to keep her in her home, if she can afford it and you wish to manage it daily (and it won't be cheap or easy during the current labor shortage).

No matter what solution you choose she probably won't like the change. If you are her PoA you do what works for *you*.

If I were in your shoes I'd opt to move her to a facility where I'll be living. There can be much to manage and at 94, she's not far from a profound health event or accident that will require more of your involvement, at least for a while. Trying to deal with it from afar will be pretty stressful.

Don't be concerned with the argument that she won't know anyone in your new home town... at 94 and with limited mobility her social life is extremely limited anyway. This is why I personally would opt for a nice facility that has a good reputation, plenty of staff and daily activities, clubs, and events for their residents. And accepts Medicaid.

Your original question is about whether you should feel guilty if you move away. This depends on whether you are her PoA. And how connected to her you are. It's not whether you *should* feel guilty, but can you prevent yourself from feeling this way? Honestly, I don't think I could at her age. If she were 74 it'd be a different scenario.

I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions.