I have been going back and forth about whether or not to tell my mom that she has to move to a memory care unit. Her small studio apartment will be ready and I am picking up the key today. Her doctor says that I should tell her to let her get used to the idea. Mom always forgets the conversations we have had about this issue. I have strongly suggest it to her and one day she will say yes and the next day it's a no. I only have the weekend to tell her (or not). I feel so bad because I don't want to upset her. I am curious to know how others feel.
Thanks for your comments! I did end up telling her but I had to fib a bit. My friend and went over the memory care unit and learned that a bigger apartment was available at no extra charge and we were really impressed. The apartment has double windows in the living room and bedroom that look out into the courtyard, which I'm sure that Mom will love. The fib was offered by the Administrator and after we left there, we went directly to my mom's house and told her that her roof needed to be replaced and that she had to move because they wouldn't start the work with her in the house. Mom wasn't pleased but agreed to go, since it was an apartment and not an "old people home". Move in date is coming up this next Thursday and the staff told me that they would take care of everything if she asks any questions or gets suspicious. I am certain that my mom will eventually forget that she has a home to go back to and will get used to living in a memory care unit. I'll try to keep everyone posted. What a great website this is!
Before the dementia, I would ask my mom, what she would want if things turned for the worse. I begged her for 20 years to make a plan. She refused, all she would say was "well see, I trust you will do the right thing". So I did the best I could
When the time came to move her in a memory care unit. I tricked her. I didn't want to, but it was the only way. You will feel bad, she will get angry, but she will forget. My mom has been in memory care for little over a year. She thinks she is living in her hometown as a girl, she has no idea she lives in a memory care unit. It is sad.
If your mom has lost her logic and reasoning skills, you may have to trick her. If she hasn't, than say a little white lie, this is the place we talked about earlier and you are going to stay here for awhile. We told mom she was staying at the AL facility while were traveling out of town. It didn't really work, because she didn't understand why. In her mind, she was fine and could live on her own. Good Luck, its never easy.
I'm glad that your mom can be convinced to stay in the new apartment. I guess my mom and I started off on the wrong foot when I had her transferred directly from the hospital to the skilled facility. However, this was the way it had to be for us. She was a very dramatic person and suffering from dementia with all its delusions and hallucinations. She lived in a top floor apartment with a balcony. I lived in fear that she would harm herself one day. There was no convincing her she had to move. She would decide how things had to be and the impenetrable steel doors would close on her mind. I'm glad gentle fibs work on your mom. It must have made it easier for you. I disagree with the "family meeting" idea. It sounds like an intervention and your mom would feel bombarded by everyone. I think the way you're doing it is the best way. For the first few months, visit often and encourage others to as well if you can trust them to keep the mood light and to be firm with Mom that this is the way it needs to be. And also trust the staff to help mom accustom herself to her new situation. Good luck!
There's a lot of good advise here, so I'm just going to add my 2 cents worth.
I would also talk to the social worker who works in the memory care unit of the Assisted Living your mom is going to move to. I'm sure that person will help both you and your mom make this transition easier.
I agree with Granjan. I'm in a Bible study group with a CNA who works in a memory care unit. He *really* appreciated it when family members 'treated' those who provided daily care. Working in a memory care unit is difficult and often thankless work. When you treat staff well, especially those who provide daily care to your loved one, they remember. My friend worked at a family owned Assisted Living that has a reputation for treating staff *very* well. Even so, the hours are long and the pay isn't that great. As you get to know the daily care workers, you'll figure out what would be appreciated. Also, get to know the families of the other residents and encourage them to do the same.
Good Luck,
DoN
So I guess my recommendation would be to prepare well in advance for the big move and do all the little things that might help it be less traumatic for her. As far as telling your mom goes, only you would know what her reaction would be. Sometimes it's best not to say. At least that's how it worked for us.
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