Should l tell my mom that she has to move to a memory care unit?

My mom went to a facility from the hospital so there were no heart to heart convos between us. Yes, she was angry. She blamed me. She laid many guilt trips on me. And the next day she was nice as pie. Make sure Mom has many familiar things in her new place, including bedding, couch cushions, and all the little chachkes she wants. My mother wasn't happy unless she was unhappy so I didn't take many of her things because she'd break them or throw them out. There is no easy way to move your mom. If you do tell her, don't make it a tragic and traumatic conversation. Tell her this place is SO NICE that you yourself would like to live there. How nice it will be for both of you to know she is safe and well cared for...that kind of stuff. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

Hi Hugemom,

Thanks for your comments! I did end up telling her but I had to fib a bit. My friend and went over the memory care unit and learned that a bigger apartment was available at no extra charge and we were really impressed. The apartment has double windows in the living room and bedroom that look out into the courtyard, which I'm sure that Mom will love. The fib was offered by the Administrator and after we left there, we went directly to my mom's house and told her that her roof needed to be replaced and that she had to move because they wouldn't start the work with her in the house. Mom wasn't pleased but agreed to go, since it was an apartment and not an "old people home". Move in date is coming up this next Thursday and the staff told me that they would take care of everything if she asks any questions or gets suspicious. I am certain that my mom will eventually forget that she has a home to go back to and will get used to living in a memory care unit. I'll try to keep everyone posted. What a great website this is!

Do keep us posted, coralmae. We've all been through it. And, yes, eventually she will get used to her new home. But, always take time to spend with her and take her on outings. My mom used to get a lot of enjoyment traveling with me to a laundromat in another town to help with her laundry. Yes, the nursing home could have done the laundry, but it was one of the things we could do together, until the last two months of her life (she died 6/2/2017). Your mom might have other interests. Spend as much time with her as possible, and always be kind and loving, even when she is not. You have begun a journey. It will not always be easy. But, you can do it. Hang in there.

If your mom is still thinking fairly well with most of her problems being memory related, I would tell her but I would also write a letter explaining why she needs memory care, telling her about her new apartment and how her stuff will be there, maybe photos and anything else that she seemed to find comfort in when you discuss this issue. I occasionally have to travel and leave my Mom with a relative. This doesn't seem to bother her at all when she has my letter explaining where she is, who she's with, why she's there, how to contact me if she needs to and when I will be picking her up. My relative tells me she reads the letter several times each day.

My married couple friends who gave me POA over all their health care and finances did not think they had to leave their town home--at least the husband didn't. His wife, with frontal temporal dementia couldn't think much at all. But when she became incontinent and started to wander out of their town home, she needed 24 hour care and it was time to move. The husband agreed to this 4 times and each time forgot all about it. The day of the move, another friend took them to breakfast in a nearby town and then to have their nails done. That was when we did the move to a one-bedroom apartment in a memory care unit. We made their bedroom just like in their town home, and used the living room for their TV and couch just like they had in their TV room. When they got there around 2:30 in the afternoon and the husband saw his same recliner, same TV, couch, table and lamps set up the same way it had been in their town home, he sat down with a sigh of relief and never once talked about going back. It is a place that pays attention to their needs and gives me advice on what's next as the forgetting process plays out. The wife only lasted about 5 months before her brain was just shutting down and she could no longer swallow food. The husband is physically healthy, gets checked by a visiting doctor once a month, but just can't remember things from one minute to the next. He is still intelligent and long term memories (without too much detail) are still there and he is happy to be where he is. I don't involve him in the behind the scenes work I do in getting their town home ready to sell. I will just put the money in his savings account to help cover his expenses. I am also the executor of their will, so I know what their intentions are if any money is left over. The husband has no desire to go anywhere, but I take him to the dentist and eye doctor for his regular appointments and then for coffee and a treat at our favorite book store. He had no desire to do any more than that. I am relieved that he is happy and well looked after. What more could I ask for?

JohnnyJ you sound like a GREAT friend. You have taken such good care of the couple. Your friends are lucky to have you looking out for them.

If you think this will upset her, I would not. It doesn't really matter what the care unit is called - as long as your Mom is being lovingly cared for and her disabilities are addressed properly. This is my opinion of course.

Put yourself in her shoes. I'm sure you would want to know if someone was taking you from home and putting you into a foreign environment. I'm sure you wouldn't want to be kept in the dark only to be surprised later and hear the same story others have heard from their families. Do the right thing and talk to her by pulling a family meeting. All of you really want to gather around her and give her all the support she needs especially now. If you don't tell her now, you'll only cause undue stress on her later as she finds out later and gets mad at you. I'm not saying she won't be mad when you tell her, but she'll be even angrier and could even have a heart attack if she happens to also have heart issues. Putting myself in her shoes, I personally wouldn't even want no more to do with you if you just kept me in the dark and dumped me somewhere I didn't want to be. I would rather you talk to me first and hear what I have to say and how I feel along with my concerns. I would hope that no matter what you would say that you would follow through with any promises you make because I would be holding you accountable and calling you on the carpet. I'm one of those kinds of people who will throw a fit if I suspect something suspicious and feel somethings off. I'm one of those kinds of people who won't back down, and this ran in the family. You can say I get this straight from my dad since he didn't take no crap from no one. Do the right thing and have the family discussion

You know your mom best. No offense to Digital Banker but that approach would not and did not work with my mom. I wish I could of been upfront with her, but my mom never accepted her dementia diagnosis. In her mind, she was absolutely fine. I was the problem not her. If I could of have reasoned with her, it would have made things so much easier.

Before the dementia, I would ask my mom, what she would want if things turned for the worse. I begged her for 20 years to make a plan. She refused, all she would say was "well see, I trust you will do the right thing".   So I did the best I could

When the time came to move her in a memory care unit. I tricked her. I didn't want to, but it was the only way. You will feel bad, she will get angry, but she will forget. My mom has been in memory care for little over a year. She thinks she is living in her hometown as a girl, she has no idea she lives in a memory care unit. It is sad.

If your mom has lost her logic and reasoning skills, you may have to trick her. If she hasn't, than say a little white lie, this is the place we talked about earlier and you are going to stay here for awhile. We told mom she was staying at the AL facility while were traveling out of town.  It didn't really work, because she didn't understand why.  In her mind, she was fine and could live on her own.  Good Luck, its never easy.

Hi, Coralmae,
I'm glad that your mom can be convinced to stay in the new apartment. I guess my mom and I started off on the wrong foot when I had her transferred directly from the hospital to the skilled facility. However, this was the way it had to be for us. She was a very dramatic person and suffering from dementia with all its delusions and hallucinations. She lived in a top floor apartment with a balcony. I lived in fear that she would harm herself one day. There was no convincing her she had to move. She would decide how things had to be and the impenetrable steel doors would close on her mind. I'm glad gentle fibs work on your mom. It must have made it easier for you. I disagree with the "family meeting" idea. It sounds like an intervention and your mom would feel bombarded by everyone. I think the way you're doing it is the best way. For the first few months, visit often and encourage others to as well if you can trust them to keep the mood light and to be firm with Mom that this is the way it needs to be. And also trust the staff to help mom accustom herself to her new situation. Good luck!

Hi. Our mom is in a memory facility after living in an independent facility. It was time although she too, didn't think so...Ask your mom what things she would like to have with her.. for example, my mom wanted her lamp, old white wicker side table, her bedspread, photo album, a wall decoration that she loved, ...of course you probably don't want to offer something big like a dresser... take pictures of some of the smaller items and give her control over what she would like to have with her. Set her bed up similar to the way she used to have it. Let her use her "old fashioned" towels, etc. Let her decorate and settle in...As their kids, we want to modernize them and get new stuff for their rooms but they will feel more comfortable and less anxious with the good ol'stuff. I explained to mom that she's in a place that is like a college dorm, a campus for adults. It's that same feeling of being a bit overwhelmed when she was in college...but there will be so many activities to choose from when she's ready. ( However , give them a lot of time to get involved.. there may be resistance for a while often caused by fear and grief. ....At this age, we can't expect that their are going to be excited about "making new friends" so that phrase usually backfires. Just be sure that she is allowed as many familiar, safe things in her room as possible. At this age, they want security and to feel safe....Something else that my mom created for herself is that she has a journal that she records things in. Seems like dementia overwhelms the memory yet they are still able to write. Recording what they ate, the activity directors name, the "crazy person's name" they sat next to in dinner, etc is often very comforting for them. There is much anxiety with losing ones memory... the notepad by her side makes her feel secure. When I call her, she often refers to her notes to read to me what happened earlier in the day. She has some really amusing stories to tell. It's also a wonderful place to jot her feelings. , a place to record her complaints ( i.e. - the door squeaks, her room is too warm, etc) She can then refer to them when talking to staff.

Best to you as you journey through this next adventure in life. It's time now for you to be her Guardian Angel. Try your best to enjoy the ride. You may find yourself closer then ever as I've been discovering things I never knew about my mom. She is sharing her memories more then ever.

The doc is right. Whether she later remembers or not, you have to be honest with her. If she's going to be upset, she'll be upset. You have to do the right thing. My mom now loves her new community and denies that she didn't want to move there. I SPENT FOUR MONTHS FIGHTING WITH HER ABOUT IT! Now she doesn't member any of that.... It was hell for me.

My mom: "I don't have dementia or mild cognitive impairment or whatever that doctor called it. I just can't remember things...." You gotta laugh....

DoreenC - no offense to DB but DB IS the offense!!

DigitalBanker:

Others will assure me I am wasting my time, but it IS my time to waste. Your postings are not helpful and are way off base. Hopefully one of US can get through to YOU.

Do you even bother to READ, DIGEST and UNDERSTAND someone's post and/or questions? coralmae CLEARLY said:
"Mom always forgets the conversations we have had about this issue. I have strongly suggest it to her and one day she will say yes and the next day it's a no."

Your ranting about not being told and being shoved into someplace you do not want be in is just plain stupidity - Our mother is/was the same way. She liked the MC place when we visited, but 5 minutes after the visit forgets we were even there. Hours later, we were 'looking at houses for my younger brother'. Do you GET IT? Kept in the dark and surprised later??? We discussed it and because of the dementia it is STILL a surprise later!! Occasionally when mom calls, she thinks she is at a hospital she used to use, but isn't sick or anything. Family meeting to discuss?? Been there, done that, but MOM DOES NOT REMEMBER IT.

HOW do you believe any person with this level of dementia is capable of making a rational decision or better yet, making that decision and then remembering it 5 minutes, 10 minutes, an hour later?? If you do not understand that, you have not spent enough time with a person who has any level of dementia beyond the initial stages. Anyone in THIS condition needs a safe place and is not likely able to have a coherent "discussion" and/or remember it. Conversation with her to get agreement?? A joke. In her mind, like MANY others, she is FINE and INDEPENDENT and can take care of herself. My mother years ago was exploring these kind of places and had plans to eventually go to one. Once dementia started? Augh - I wouldn't live in one of THOSE places. YOU, DB, are not here with us and seeing what the REALITY is. Mom is UNABLE to make appropriate decisions, is NOT safe to be left alone and we children made the decision for her. We found a VERY nice place and they care for her VERY well.

Your diatribes in various comments I have seen here and in other posts generally veer WAY off topic and do NOT address the person's main concerns. Get off the soapbox. I just read your "bio" and based on it and your postings you sound suspiciously like Dontask4handout. Both of you (if there really are two of you) need to STOP what you are doing, especially harping on and on about how digital banking is the way to go. It is a good way to handle finances, but NOT a solution for someone who goes down the dementia path - that requires having a trusted person to oversee your affairs.

You spread a lot of negativity, nonsense and potentially dangerous if not just useless advice. GO AWAY the two of you!!

coralmae:

You can tell her all you want and explain it all you want, but as you are painfully aware, she does not recall the discussions or any agreements with moving. You can try one last time before the move, but if she is disagreeing or refusing, do not belabor the issue. Take it one step at a time. Hopefully you can do something like arrange for a nice lunch at the place and then move to her space there. From there you will just have to "wing it". There is no script for this :-( Perhaps they can distract her so you can leave.

What initially brought me to this forum was mom refusing to move ANYWHERE, but being unsafe to remain at home. The Elder Care attorney told us we could not drag her out of her home, and recommended guardianship. This is costly and time consuming to begin with, and we had reached a point where we could NOT afford to wait. Additionally the memory care facility would not accept 'committals'. Rock-Us-Hard Place. My plan was to "little white lie" and play with the thermostat (brother had wi-fi access), telling her the furnace needed replacing and since it was winter she'd have to move until we could "fix" it (turns out it actually is NOT working now!) and then stall her with excuses. Brothers did not like that, but on the cusp of moving her (doctor had written enough to say she could not live alone and the facility said just get her in the door, we'll do the rest) she injured her leg badly, ending up with an infected ulcer (could have killed her.) End result (she never called about the injury or went to see anyone, so she could not even take care of herself!) was one brother wrote a "letter" supposedly from "Elder Services". This letter was a white lie telling her that because of the injury she must move where we choose, or they will choose. She was madder than a wet hen, adamant she was fine and kept saying why don't they help people who need help? Her understanding of where she is now (since January) varies, but I do not think she really knows what the place is, how long she has been there or what comes next.

For any naysayers, it would be a wonderful world indeed if it were so easy as to talk to mom (or dad, or whoever) about where to live and why one must move elsewhere. We DO NOT live in that rosy place and hard decisions have to be made. Mom, dad, whoever might be angry, hate you, refuse to talk to you, never accept the move, or whatever scenario you want to paint. The bottom line is SOMEONE who can make the rational decision HAS TO DO IT, and just understand that repercussions might occur, but in the end it is best for EVERYONE (except DB and Dontask).

So, best of luck coralmae. Hopefully the "deed" is done by now and things get better. Please do not feel guilty for having to do this - this is not about guilt, but doing the right thing to keep mom safe. If she manages moments of clarity, realizes where she is and tries to guilt you, do not try to reason with her or accept the guilt. Redirect, refocus when possible, or just ignore the comments as best you can!

I like the "new roof" idea. I see no benefit in being brutally honest. I do have a suggestion though. If this is your first time with nursing care, make sure you visit at different times of the day so you will see what goes on all the time. My own experience with my mom's memory care was a good one. Making friends with the staff is a good idea. Learn their names and tell them thanks on a regular basis. At Christmas I took a box loaded with snacks of candy and crackers types for their breaks and a note telling them how much our family appreciated the loving care they were giving our mother. Good luck to you.

Hi Coralmae,

There's a lot of good advise here, so I'm just going to add my 2 cents worth.

I would also talk to the social worker who works in the memory care unit of the Assisted Living your mom is going to move to. I'm sure that person will help both you and your mom make this transition easier.

I agree with Granjan. I'm in a Bible study group with a CNA who works in a memory care unit. He *really* appreciated it when family members 'treated' those who provided daily care. Working in a memory care unit is difficult and often thankless work. When you treat staff well, especially those who provide daily care to your loved one, they remember. My friend worked at a family owned Assisted Living that has a reputation for treating staff *very* well. Even so, the hours are long and the pay isn't that great. As you get to know the daily care workers, you'll figure out what would be appreciated. Also, get to know the families of the other residents and encourage them to do the same.

Good Luck,
DoN

After having cared for my mom in my home for a little over a year, i reached the point where I recognized that I didn't have the skills to continue her care as her dementia had progressed. I knew that she would not go to a facility voluntarily. And I knew that I could not force her. But I did my homework and found a very nice facility that specialized in Memory care and Parkinson's. Plus, it was affordable. It had a cozy, home-like feel. Her room had a somewhat spacious bathroom. The shower had a fold-down bench seat. Her living area was a smaller room which we used as her "living room" with a TV and seating and a slightly larger area that we used as her bedroom. I furnished her rooms with new and used items. When it came time to make the big move, I brought along an inflatable mattress and spent the first 4 days and 3 nights with her in her room. I believe that this was a huge help not only for her transition, but it also gave me confidence in the character and abilities of the caregivers who worked there. And they also got to see that I was keeping a loving eye out for my mom. I never would have known that a pair of caregivers would come into her room around midnight to check on her and make sure she was still dry or change her if she was wet. The transition went surprisingly well and I continued visiting her once a day almost every day of the week for the first few months. After that I would take a few days "off" here and there.
So I guess my recommendation would be to prepare well in advance for the big move and do all the little things that might help it be less traumatic for her. As far as telling your mom goes, only you would know what her reaction would be. Sometimes it's best not to say. At least that's how it worked for us.

I have received some great advice here and want to thank all of you. I am not sure that my original post and follow-up was read correctly though. To recap: I DID tell my mom a fib about the roof needing to be replaced and that she had to move into a new apartment while the work is being done. She isn't happy about it but her neighbors, friends, my friends have all gone along with the fib by telling her that they had to do the same thing when their roofs needed to be replaced. We are all on the same page and the MC unit said they will play along if Mom remembers that she has a home to go to.

Move in day is still scheduled for this coming Thursday and my friends and I will begin moving some of her things tomorrow (clothes, photos, lamps, etc). On Wednesday my friends and I will move a bed from my house. She is currently sleeping on her couch, and has been since my step dad passed on 10 years ago. The couch can't go - it's too big for the apartment and is over 40 years old. Also on Wednesday night, we will move one of her recliners and a smaller rocking chair into her place. Anything that will make her comfortable will go with her as long as it fits into the apartment.

I have full confidence in the staff at the MC unit. From the Administrator down to the maintenance man (which I met with last week) have all totally impressed me. The maintenance man told me very specifically NOT to buy anything that I don't already have. He said if Mom needs another lamp, a small table, or pictures hung, that he would take care of it because they have a ton of donations from former residents' families that we can use. He also made me aware that he always welcomes a new resident, and promised to introduce Mom to the others. The only thing I am concerned about is the actual transition on Thursday. I have been assured by the staff, that they will handle-they know what they are doing. I think at this point, the one thing Mom is worried about is her cat and who will take care of him. That would be me!

I will be happy to report our progress as the week goes by, so that other's may get a better understanding of the situation. Again, I thank you all for your great advice. I don't know what I'd do without this site!

The memory care floor where my friend lives allows cats and dogs, so a loved pet can come along. Then I get to pet them, too, when I visit, since I love them but can't have any of my own.

JohnnyJ, I wish that the MC unit where my mom is going to had pet therapy. I was told that they were thinking about it. In the meantime, I am taking a stuffed cat that Mom had on the back of her couch and I will take pics of her on a regular basis, so she can she that he is being taken care of.

I started to post that our mother's MC place does allow at least a cat, which stays in the resident's room (I have seen another resident's dog on the premises, however I do not know if it was visiting or living there) but lost that post during retrieval of my PW!

If your mom is still capable of caring properly for the cat (with some help from you?), perhaps they would allow it? It cannot hurt to ask!

Another option is "Joy For All Robot Cat by Hasbro". My older brother sent one to mom before she moved to MC. Our mom has NEVER been a pet person, although we were allowed to have a dog (took in one of grandparent's collies, later took in a mutt pup). I would not say she is 'attached' to this robot cat, but she is fascinated by it and how it moves, purrs and meows. If they will not allow her cat to stay, look up that name online - they have YouTube videos and Hasbro has them on their website.

You could also inquire about kitty visitation rights... =^..^= Kitty might miss mom too...

P.S. The Hasbro cat comes in 3 types - orange tabby, white and silver-gray

I have an update on my mom. She was supposed to move in yesterday 9/21/17 but the elevator in the memory care unit was not working properly and they didn't want to take a chance on it. They are going to credit me for the day.
Today I took my mom over there and she got a very warm and exciting welcome, but when she got into the apartment and we were showing her around, she kept shaking her head as in NO. I asked her about it and she said "no way am I staying here" but couldn't tell me why. I explained to her (again) that she had to stay until her "roof was replaced". The nurses were in on the ploy and started asking her questions about what she liked to eat, etc. and Mom told them she wouldn't be staying long. After they left, Mom started in on me, so I felt it was best that I leave and come back later. I was in the common area talking to the nurses and some of the residents when I heard my mom come out of her apartment and shout "HELLO". I went to get her and took her to the common area. She was introduced to a few people and then she sat down. When I left, I gave her a big hug & kiss and told her I'd be back later. She ignored me. The nurses told me that this was normal and not to worry because they know their stuff.
I got a phone call later from the head nurse, who told me that Mom had actually found her own way to the activity center and joined in. She was also talking to another nice lady. I was thrilled! However, I was asked not to come back for dinner because of the "sun downing" effect, which I agreed to. Fifteen minutes later I got a phone call from someone I didn't know and it was my mom. She asked me what the h*ll was going on and when was I coming to get her. I thoroughly explained the situation to her again and she was okay. But she called several times; I asked to speak with the person who had the phone and he didn't know what was going on either.  I suspect that Mom told a male gentleman (resident) that she had to call me and he helped her do it.  They called at least 6 times until I told Mom that she was going to get dinner soon and that I would be up to see her tomorrow.

So, this is just day one!  My mother is very cagey, so I am going to tell the staff that, but I was really surprised that she reached out to someone and remembered my phone number.

When I first placed my mom she would ask staff to call me and they would. They would call my number and hand her phone. Maybe that is what is happening; I am sure they have your number on file.

You can talk to staff about the repeated phone calls. Maybe they can deter her - so she doesn't keep calling. My mom would call, forget she called and call again. But it was always a staff member who would make the call for her.

I put a stop to those calls - I suggested they call ANY number, either in-house, or the weather number and pretend it went to voice mail and tell mom they left a message. For our mother, that could suffice and her short term memory means she would forget in 10 minutes or less. She did not call to chat, just to ask for a ride home from "the hospital". If your mom's short term memory is short enough, this might work for you too.

You had said they told you to stay away for a while - I let my brothers do the moving in, but somehow I have since become the person to call. I personally made the decision to stay away for at least two weeks after the move hoping she might adjust at some level. She really did not and would all too often asked when she could go back to her condo. Fluff response and change subject usually worked. Sometimes I would not even respond. I overheard her keep asking my younger brother why why why and he just kept trying to answer - it does not work dude!

My older brother, who is not local, always comments that he thought she would have adjusted by now when she keeps asking to go home. I have told him multiple times she will NOT adjust to this being "home", mainly because of the short term memory loss. It will not stick that this is "home". Maybe some people do accept it as home, or at least accept it as where they live now, but not everyone will. I also told him that "home" will eventually be some other place in the past that she lived at, whether it was a previous home or even where she grew up. She has been there since January and the recent calls that I asked them not to make were specifically for a ride home from the hospital - one that she used to go to for UTIs, far from this place. When I stopped in on Sunday, she asked twice if I could drop her off at Nana's place on my way home... Nana? She was referring to her mother, who has been gone almost 40 years! A while later she asked if I had a key to the place she lived previously, more than 23 years ago... Ummm, I might, but not with me (nose grows a little!) Once more she brought that up, saying she would go stay there if she had a key. So she is going back in time now. The condo may be history, but it may pop up again. It is really weird what does stick around. When I told her we had appointment today with skin doctor to recheck a basal cancer spot, she said something to the effect that they took care of that. I was surprised that she remembered that! It was 3 months ago.

The aides told me that she has been recently talking about walking to her mom's place, naming the town she lived in previously. Nana never lived there on her own... So her memories are jumbled now, mingling older stuff (Nana did live with us on rotation with other aunts and uncles, but never on her own.)

Anyway, once she is in and you can handle the calls with the staff, visiting times should avoid talking about "home" whenever possible. Certainly you can reiterate the roof issue and stall with excuses for delays, etc. Then change the subject, redirect her focus away from that. You cannot reason with or argue the case, it will not work!

It might get easier over time, but there is no time chart to go by. Each person is different and their spiral down the dementia path is different. Best of luck, stay strong and know you are doing what is best for everyone!

This is a very difficult situation. A significant turning point. Quite stressful. I can only tell you what worked for me and my mom. I told her that I did not have the skills to give her the care she needed. That there were others that would care for her in "her own apartment" and that I would visit her every day. I also spent the first 4 days and 3 nights with her in her new home to help in her transition. It worked for us.