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You are absolutely doing the right thing. I firmly believe everyone should pay their own way, and if you were not there chances are your mother would have to pay someone else far more than she is paying you. Just make sure that you set it up with a proper contract so that the money counts as pay and not a gift if your mom ever needs to apply for government assistance. You should also have a frank discussion about how much personal care you are willing or able to handle and what your plans are when you reach your limits.
I understand how you feel. I've struggled with the same feelings, but if you ask yourself - "would you expect your children to take care of you without compensation"? I think you'll come to the same conclusion I have and that it's perfectly fine to ask, especially if your parent has not offered. I know if my kids were doing for me what I do for my mom . . . If I had the resources I would be offering a generous monthly payment and be very grateful. So, don't feel guilty for asking. You deserve it.
Please don't think of yourself as a "terrible person." After all, you are caring for your mother and allowing her to live in your home -- that's a very loving person in my book!
Is your mother lucid? Are you able to have an open and sincere conversation with her regarding compensation? If not, do you have siblings that could contribute a monthly payment to help with expenses?
It's a difficult subject to broach, but if done in a calm and loving manner without making her feel like a burden, I think you will have a positive outcome. Plan what you want to say ahead of time -- make some notes so you don't forget any important points and choose a time when your mother is in a receptive mood.
It's definitely best to get this out in the open now before resentment starts to wear you down. Know that you are a blessing to her, and YOU will also be blessed for taking care of her. I wish you the very best!
I think setting up a "contract" with what is expected of you and of her is the way to go. You can outline what you can and can not do. She can tell you what she expects of you. What you can not agree on you must get "outside" help to come in and do what you can't do. You must also draw the line at the point where you can not care for her any longer. She will know that that is the point where you begin to talk about placement in Assisted or Memory Care or get "outside" help in 24/7 for her safety as well as yours. Just as a facility will charge more for the more work they have to do you could also write that into the contract. You are lucky that this can be done, I was caring for my husband and a spouse can not get paid for the care that they do. And do not think that placing her in a facility when and if the time comes is a failure on your part. It will be in the contract that you have both agreed to from the start.
if you are doing everything for your mother...she should turn over her whole ssi check!! it's the hardest job you will ever have! or...put her in a convalescent home and she can pay $7 thou a month! good luck...take the money!
YES! - do a contract but as your 'job' is the caretaking also write in 2 weeks vacation even if you don't always take it & how it will be handled - see about having income tax taken off like any other employer does which will show how it is considered as a job albeit 24/7 - you also should write in so many hours a week 'off' even if it just to go to the gym etc
Especially if you have siblings maybe they will cover your vacation time & get same pay if they do all the same duties but if they don't then reduce their pay - ie if you come home to a dirty house & your mom hasn't been taken care properly ... so they should read contract as to what they should be doing
I am a care giver to mother in law with dementia age 88; has income. I feel as most of you do that we deserve compensation for the time 24/7 care we give and life change involved to ones family. It is much cheaper to care for and better than any other place for person to be than at home. BUT... was told To receive money for care giving of parent or anyone is considered income; you are independently employed and have to file as such with IRS. This info. was given via our senior advocate Att. Also told us that "every single cent " is to be accounted for via check purchases with that persons checking account, automatic payments taken directly from their bank account like for mailed meds etc...; no CC charges. Never ever combine monies. Is this what any of you hear? B
I recently had to take my mother into our home. We went to see an Elder Attorney together. One of the first things this attorney said to me is that I was due compensation. This is your legal right and there is nothing at all wrong with it. Keep records of everything.
You do need a caregiver's contract and yes you WILL need to pay taxes since it is income. In fact it's called a self-employment tax although if you see a tax lawyer they could establish you as a corporation and you get more tax breaks--but you WILL have to pay taxes. Question is after you set money aside for taxes -- will you both have enough to live on?
We set up Payroll for my wages ~ I am a W2 hourly employee and we have a caregiver contract that outlines duties I will preform. I save all receipts ~ I do have a credit card for my mother that i use for her specific purchases ; ie groceries, clothing, prescriptions. I track my daily activities for her via a chart and track mileage....This all came from our attorney as the best way to handle.
I'm now 62, in Ohio, and I took care of my mom at home for the years 2015 and 2016 with a simple homecare contract set up by mom's eldercare lawyer for $12/hr, 40 hours per week (the lawyer charged me $1000 for this). Mom could well afford to pay, plus I had lost my job, so this worked out for both parties very well. I've certainly been grateful for the arrangement, never felt guilty or bad about it. Long story short, I'd paid in my estimated taxes as per usual (always have them done at the same place) for that first year but was told by the tax preparer that I should NOT have paid and was actually reimbursed (I protested this, still scared to death Uncle Sam will come after me, and I have returned that money to my savings just in case). I'm expecting to be able to do the same for the second year. I discontinued the homecare contract as we placed mom in memory care in January 2017 (she was hospitalized with pneumonia, has worsened generally but is fine at this point, and memory care is working out very well). I will be managing now on social security and my pension but am holding my breath on the tax thing for 2016. I will be having our taxes done in March and am sure hoping the rules have stayed the same for me for that second year. Will know soon.
When I was 42 years old my grandmother had a stroke and lived with me for 2 years, I did not receive a dime for her care. I was healthy as a horse, thus didn't need healthcare and she was living in my home.
For the first year, I didn't get paid with Mom. Now, I am 60, my healthcare concerns are now an issue and that needs to be paid. My grandma lived with me, we thought bringing Mom into her home would be better, so I have a house to be concerned about.
So, my brother who is taking care of Mom finances, set me up as employee, a company online does payroll. They take out my taxes, social security, etc. and auto deposits the rest into my account the first of every month. And, yes, I need to file with the IRS as having income. It is not as much as I was getting with my job but it helps pay the bills on my home and healthcare that I need.
When I was 42 years old my grandmother had a stroke and lived with me for 2 years, I did not receive a dime for her care. I was healthy as a horse, thus didn't need healthcare and she was living in my home.
For the first year, I didn't get paid with Mom. Now, I am 60, my healthcare concerns are now an issue and that needs to be paid. My grandma lived with me, we thought bringing Mom into her home would be better, so I have a house to be concerned about.
So, my brother who is taking care of Mom finances, set me up as employee, a company online does payroll. They take out my taxes, social security, etc. and auto deposits the rest into my account the first of every month. And, yes, I need to file with the IRS as having income. It is not as much as I was getting with my job but it helps pay the bills on my home and healthcare that I need.
Some really good answers here. My mother lives with my brother's family. He does not take "pay" for the help he gives her, and he does the lion's share of the caregiving and the errands, etc. Mother has a very small "estate" if you can call it that. My intent, upon her death, is to 'gift' my brother with my 1/4 of one of the policies. It isn't that much and wouldn't make a difference to my lifestyle one iota, but it would mean brother could finally buy a decent car, or take a vacation. When mother is bedbound, I know I am going to step up and be his advocate and make sure he is reimbursed for the many hours which he will spend. Until just recently, Mother was pretty independent, she is slowly declining. She now does pay for the cable bill and 1/3 of the utilities and that has worked out fine. Now she is requiring more care...I think brother should be paid. BTW--not ALL of us had mothers who 'lovingly raised and cared for us all our lives and we owe them!'...not that it really matters, I guess, but this comment is one I see all the time. My mother never wanted children and we were as "free range" as kids could be. She did the absolute bare minimum for us. I am not mad at her, but I sure know (after raising 5 of my own and 1 foster kid) that she really dropped the ball on a lot of stuff. I can truly understand why 3 of my 5 living sibs are MIA. They feel NO connection or sense of "payback" for mother. Neither do I, but I still take care of her.
OK I could be be stamped on from a great height but this is MY view - it is NOT the view of anyone else. My parents CHOSE to have me (literally - I am adopted), they CHOSE to raise me, feed me clothe me and see to my growth and for that I am thankful. My mother however CHOSE to turn a blind eye to my abuse from her cousin.
In return I spent several years going up and down the country each weekend to give my mum respite when my Dad got the big C.
I have also caregiven for my Mum for the last 5 years WITHOUT ANY PAYMENT. In doing so I have crippled myself financially destroyed my pension but I did it because they raised me AND because I promised my father I wouldn't put Mum in a care home. I have probably also destroyed my own health (Certainly mental health when sleep deprivation kicks in!)
I now realise I was incredibly stupid. I WILL NOT Have my children do any caregiving to me and they know that I wont - I even have an advanced directive to prevent that. I should have given this a lot more thought, I should have taken advice, I should have been able to override the promise I made my father. Above all I should have insisted on payment for care giving. Then I would NOT be financially stretched for my future (although I sure as heck hope I don't live to 94!).
If I had children in order that they look after me in my dotage then I would be ashamed of myself for that. I brought children into the world and tried to help them make this world a better place by doing so. They are not bigoted, not racist, not ashamed to stand up for what is right, which is more than can be said for a lot of people today. They hold no religious zealotry but they both have belief in Christ (something I don't have). That said they have friends who are Catholics, Anglicans, Jews, Muslims, Sikhs and Buddhists, a mother who is an atheist and a father who was an agnostic.
They recognise that there is good and bad in everyone and they try to tread the right path all the time but like all of us fall by the wayside now and again. But I am proud of them.
Midkid - you have a good understanding - make sure your brother gets respite too because the burn out can come very very quickly
Just remember this is my view for me not a comment on other's views
My mom lives me and has for 3 1/2 years. I didn't feel right asking for money but as life has it, I lost over half of my income in a 4 month time frame and consider myself lucky to still have a job. A job that allows the squirrely work schedule that I have. So it was necessary for me to ask for money after the first 2 years, in which I took nothing. I paid for everything for her: food, clothing, copays, scripts, etc. I was advised to take the money as rent. So I'm not an employee of my mother's. I was also advised by a tax professional that rent is not claimed as income. So, sometimes you have to wonder if the advise you get is correct since it seems to differ based on who you talk to. But this is what I have experienced and I am in NY in case that makes any difference. So, yes I agree that any caregiver should receive compensation if opening up their own home and adjusting their entire lifestyle for the caregiver role. Good luck. Take care of yourself.
Absolutely - you are doing a most difficult job and have every right in the world to be paid for it regardless of your relationship - family member. Most important is to document the hours and all details for what you do fully. You never know if it is required to submit this to someone to see if she is eligible for Medicaid down the line. The sad part is that it probably would be considered income to you and therefore is taxable income - you need to speak to a professional how to handle the details. But yes, you are most wise to ask for a fee. Were she anywhere else, she would pay through the nose and most likely lose all of it quickly with the high fees that people charge. Go for it. YOU DESERVE IT.
You definitely should get caregiver pay. My Dad offered to pay me, but I refused. Family and all that. He offered to pay for me to hire some of the work I needed done on my home, that was being neglected because of my moving in to help him. I never got around to hiring anyone. Now that he has passed, my time and efforts, are discounted by the other beneficiary's, and they consider me a fool. Guess i am.
Seems like a lot of people are stating they have been set up as employees of the person they are providing care for. This is unnecessary. Check out the tax info on IRS.gov. Caregivers of family members are self employed and should receive a 1099 to report income to IRS, but in MOST cases, if they do not provide care as a career to anyone else, the income is not taxed. Like I said, refer to IRS.gov for Caregiver info AND consult an attorney. Even logically speaking, why should you be taxed for a service you are providing for a family member that most likely keeps them out of the social services bureaucracy?
I checked with an attorney here in New York, and definitely yes, you should establish a "Caregiver Contract/ Agreement", between you and your Mother. I finally received this information last year,... and it makes a huge difference. There are databases online in which you can find out the range and median costs of homecare in your state. What we do, every day and night for our loved ones, should definitely be compensated. They receive excellent care AT HOME, at a fraction of assisted living or nursing facility costs. Take care... :)
By all means, you are entitled to a "salary" as you are doing a back-breaking, difficult emotional job and probably giving up a good part of your life to do this. Naturally, a lot depends on the resources the parent has. If there is sufficient money, then do take pay - you deserve it. It is up to you whether you get paid "under the table" or if you claim it as income and pay taxes, etc. Only a professional can advise you on what is best to do as each situation is different. And if you have siblings and they don't help at all, that makes it all the more important that you do get paid. Why should they end up with a fat inheritance if there is money and you are the one "busting your chops" and doing all the work. Be strong and get the best advice as to your final decision.
There are plenty of stories of people that got reamed after long and difficult periods of care giving. I didn't accept money and my own home and belongings were neglected for quite a while. While I never expected to capitalize or profit from my efforts, I sure never thought I would experience the hatred and accusations from siblings wanting their share the day Dad passed and every day since then. When the final accounting is done, and it is proven out that I didn't accept one penny, or spend one penny of his money on me, I will sever any contact with those people. Negotiate a wage and take the money!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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Is your mother lucid? Are you able to have an open and sincere conversation with her regarding compensation? If not, do you have siblings that could contribute a monthly payment to help with expenses?
It's a difficult subject to broach, but if done in a calm and loving manner without making her feel like a burden, I think you will have a positive outcome. Plan what you want to say ahead of time -- make some notes so you don't forget any important points and choose a time when your mother is in a receptive mood.
It's definitely best to get this out in the open now before resentment starts to wear you down. Know that you are a blessing to her, and YOU will also be blessed for taking care of her. I wish you the very best!
You can outline what you can and can not do.
She can tell you what she expects of you.
What you can not agree on you must get "outside" help to come in and do what you can't do.
You must also draw the line at the point where you can not care for her any longer. She will know that that is the point where you begin to talk about placement in Assisted or Memory Care or get "outside" help in 24/7 for her safety as well as yours.
Just as a facility will charge more for the more work they have to do you could also write that into the contract.
You are lucky that this can be done, I was caring for my husband and a spouse can not get paid for the care that they do.
And do not think that placing her in a facility when and if the time comes is a failure on your part. It will be in the contract that you have both agreed to from the start.
Especially if you have siblings maybe they will cover your vacation time & get same pay if they do all the same duties but if they don't then reduce their pay - ie if you come home to a dirty house & your mom hasn't been taken care properly ... so they should read contract as to what they should be doing
For the first year, I didn't get paid with Mom. Now, I am 60, my healthcare concerns are now an issue and that needs to be paid. My grandma lived with me, we thought bringing Mom into her home would be better, so I have a house to be concerned about.
So, my brother who is taking care of Mom finances, set me up as employee, a company online does payroll. They take out my taxes, social security, etc. and auto deposits the rest into my account the first of every month. And, yes, I need to file with the IRS as having income. It is not as much as I was getting with my job but it helps pay the bills on my home and healthcare that I need.
For the first year, I didn't get paid with Mom. Now, I am 60, my healthcare concerns are now an issue and that needs to be paid. My grandma lived with me, we thought bringing Mom into her home would be better, so I have a house to be concerned about.
So, my brother who is taking care of Mom finances, set me up as employee, a company online does payroll. They take out my taxes, social security, etc. and auto deposits the rest into my account the first of every month. And, yes, I need to file with the IRS as having income. It is not as much as I was getting with my job but it helps pay the bills on my home and healthcare that I need.
My mother lives with my brother's family. He does not take "pay" for the help he gives her, and he does the lion's share of the caregiving and the errands, etc.
Mother has a very small "estate" if you can call it that. My intent, upon her death, is to 'gift' my brother with my 1/4 of one of the policies. It isn't that much and wouldn't make a difference to my lifestyle one iota, but it would mean brother could finally buy a decent car, or take a vacation.
When mother is bedbound, I know I am going to step up and be his advocate and make sure he is reimbursed for the many hours which he will spend. Until just recently, Mother was pretty independent, she is slowly declining. She now does pay for the cable bill and 1/3 of the utilities and that has worked out fine. Now she is requiring more care...I think brother should be paid.
BTW--not ALL of us had mothers who 'lovingly raised and cared for us all our lives and we owe them!'...not that it really matters, I guess, but this comment is one I see all the time. My mother never wanted children and we were as "free range" as kids could be. She did the absolute bare minimum for us. I am not mad at her, but I sure know (after raising 5 of my own and 1 foster kid) that she really dropped the ball on a lot of stuff. I can truly understand why 3 of my 5 living sibs are MIA. They feel NO connection or sense of "payback" for mother. Neither do I, but I still take care of her.
In return I spent several years going up and down the country each weekend to give my mum respite when my Dad got the big C.
I have also caregiven for my Mum for the last 5 years WITHOUT ANY PAYMENT. In doing so I have crippled myself financially destroyed my pension but I did it because they raised me AND because I promised my father I wouldn't put Mum in a care home. I have probably also destroyed my own health (Certainly mental health when sleep deprivation kicks in!)
I now realise I was incredibly stupid. I WILL NOT Have my children do any caregiving to me and they know that I wont - I even have an advanced directive to prevent that. I should have given this a lot more thought, I should have taken advice, I should have been able to override the promise I made my father. Above all I should have insisted on payment for care giving. Then I would NOT be financially stretched for my future (although I sure as heck hope I don't live to 94!).
If I had children in order that they look after me in my dotage then I would be ashamed of myself for that. I brought children into the world and tried to help them make this world a better place by doing so. They are not bigoted, not racist, not ashamed to stand up for what is right, which is more than can be said for a lot of people today. They hold no religious zealotry but they both have belief in Christ (something I don't have). That said they have friends who are Catholics, Anglicans, Jews, Muslims, Sikhs and Buddhists, a mother who is an atheist and a father who was an agnostic.
They recognise that there is good and bad in everyone and they try to tread the right path all the time but like all of us fall by the wayside now and again. But I am proud of them.
Midkid - you have a good understanding - make sure your brother gets respite too because the burn out can come very very quickly
Just remember this is my view for me not a comment on other's views
I finally received this information last year,... and it makes a huge difference. There are databases online in which you can find out the range and median costs of homecare in your state. What we do, every day and night for our loved ones, should definitely be compensated. They receive excellent care AT HOME, at a fraction of assisted living or nursing facility costs.
Take care... :)