To have a memorial service or not?

He said a simple memorial service, so I say stick with the family-only event. Run an obituary with "private services" in it, and at least some contact information, whether it's the funeral home, or a charity for people to donate to. People can write notes and the mortuary will forward them to you. Be sure to notify the charity you choose with a family contact name and address so the charities can notify you of donations received with the names and addresses of the donors, and you can write a thank you note to the donor then.

Keep it very simple. There is nothing wrong with only having a private Memorial with only immediate family members.

Invite clergy if you desire but if you don’t wish to, you could read the 23rd psalm and a couple of his favorite scriptures.

You’re right in saying that Covid has changed everything.

The only other thing that I can think of is having a Zoom service.

I agree with the simple and private family memorial service. If your dad had a deep affection for his hometown or lived there for decades, you can consider making a permanent memorial in his memory, like installing a park bench or donating a beautiful flowering tree, or adding equipment to a park playground, drinking fountain or concrete picnic table. It doesn't have to happen right away and you can have a dedication ceremony once covid is passed, if you want. We have neighbors who have done that in my town for their spouses. The park bench and a drinking fountain both have a plaque on them with the honoree's names. I think it's a wonderful thing to do if one is able.

Geaton,

I love the idea of a tree. Thanks for mentioning this. My friend planted a young maple tree in my yard when my father died in 2002.

Every time I look at my tree I think of my father. It’s grown so much and is a beautiful tree. This is a lovely way to remember our loved ones.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. You do whatever give you the most comfort and peace, and don't worry about "appearances".

When mom died, we had a small funeral, with the expectation of doing a church memorial this spring, when hopefully everything opened back up. Well, things here really haven't improved, numbers wise, and the longer the time goes since she passed, the more I have been thinking that a full-on church service is unnecessary. We were really doing it more for my niece, since she was unable to fly in, and was hoping to get back East in the Spring, but again, I don't see that happening.

Whichever decision you make will be the "right" one, as long as you are reasonably sure you won't look back, beating yourself up afterwards.

And you have my deepest sympathies for your loss. (((hugs))))

My MIL lived in FL and wanted to be buried in NJ with my FIL. Family down there arranged the cremation and the Funeral home supplied a small luncheon for the 2 sons and their families who were there. Her urn was sent to us. It was Feb so we waited till May (their wedding Anniversary) to place her beside FIL. The 2 brothers drove up. It was at a National cemetery so they did the service and we had my minister say a few words. A close friend of MILs gave the luncheon for family that was present.

So my suggestion would be to wait until the actual burial since you have no idea who his friends are. Even though my MIL had lived in FL for 23yrs and had made friends, the family present had chosen to keep things family only.

My dad passed away last night. Even though I knew it was coming I’m still gutted. I was with him for 3 days until the end. It was just me since I’m his only child. I’m planning everything by myself. It’s so overwhelming. Tomorrow I have to tell my grandmother that her son died. She’s deaf and in a nursing home so I have to tell her in person. I’d want to do that anyway, but it’s going to be so hard.

LAnn, I'm so sorry for your loss, especially as you're trying to decide the best method of a final goodbye.

Since your father wanted something simple, I would stick with that.   Funerals are expensive, memorials or celebrations of someone's life can be much different, and much more personalized.  

Unfortunately you wouldn't know how many local friends or acquaintances he had until they showed up at the funeral home.   I think what I would do is discuss with the funeral director if he/she would handle the cremation, but hold off on a funeral (that's what I did).   The obituary could include a line that funeral arrangements are not yet finalized and interested parties could contact the family, but don't give out personal addresses or phone numbers, as you don't know who might reply.

I suggest this b/c some criminals review the obituaries for dates on which funerals occur, knowing that family members identified would most likely be away, and the house vacant and more susceptible to robberies.  

You could include in the obit a new e-mail, nondescriptive, and judge from the responses whether or not it's justified for an actual funeral, or a less formal get-together at the graveside.

I did something similar, for a variety of reasons, primarily safety as well as some friction that existed.   I just had an impromptu graveside gathering, with the anticipation of a celebration of life later.   But after I saw the feuding in the family and the aggressiveness of some church members, I decided to pass on that.

My niece told me of a unique celebration of life for a CA surfer.   His friends who also were surfers paddled out into the ocean, and one of them scattered his ashes there.   I thought that was really touching, and so appropriate for a  surfer.  (Of course, if you weren't a surfer, I guess you didn't participate in the ocean trip.)

I hope you find a solution that works for you and gives you comfort.

Any choice you make is fine. My dad died last summer, he’d wanted a big funeral. I was in charge and it didn’t happen. We had a small outdoor funeral, no reception, no flowers, just a quick service. It was best for all of our emotional and physical health that it all be simple and quick. I have no regrets. Do whatever you feel is right and have no guilt about it. Those who love you will understand and the rest don’t matter. I’m sorry for your loss

My mind has turned to funeral planning which could happen soon or maybe not. Dad has requested something ridiculously complicated in a different state, in a cemetery where his parents are buried but in a town where his kids don't live. And involving a religious domination that he has not been active in (so I'm not sure they would even honor a request from a non-parishioner from a different city). It kind of overwhelms me thinking how to make this happen for him. A cremation would have been so simple but my siblings are aware of his wishes.

I personally think the person planning it should only do what they are willing and able to deal with. I like the idea of small and uncomplicated and I think your family and his friends would understand and even be relieved.

I was actually shocked at the number of people that showed up at my Husbands funeral. One couple flew in from South Carolina to Illinois, another person drove from Michigan. Both had to leave to return home right after the funeral. The funeral home said that they would normally have recommended a 2 day wake for a gathering of that size. I had no idea at all this number would show up. All from the obit and word of mouth. ( I did quietly wonder where they all had been for the past 10 years!)
So you never know who or how many will show up.
Do what you and the family feel comfortable doing and do not over spend.
It is perfectly logical given current circumstances to have a family only service and have a Celebration of Life at a later date.

A small occasion with close family sounds as though it would suit your father's wishes for not a lot of fuss. I think that a short period of celebration of his life and recollections of him by the family at the crematorium would indeed fulfil all his wishes. Hugs to you at a difficult time complicated by covid. As long as he goes on his journey with love of those closest to him you will have given him everything you can and he wanted.

My mom has 2 sisters, a brother in law, and my cousins
( who by the way don’t bother with my mom ) in the area. I’m thinking of definitely less than 10 people or even less than five would attend any type of service. I am not having a funeral for my mom... probably graveside gathering at burial.

When the time comes, I’m having a commitment prayer for my LO at the cemetery, and no service.

As Covid declines, I will be having a Memorial Mass for my mom and her 4 sisters, of whom LO is the last survivor. Anyone who disagrees with my decision (I’m the poa/caregiver, the other poa lives 900 miles away) can pound salt, and I’ll be glad to provide the shaker.

Do what you need to do to avoid family drama and honor your dad exactly as how you believe he would have preferred.

Your responsibility, your call.

Your dad requested a simple memorial service, so that's what I would do. Put the obit in his local paper and make some phone calls to any of the family members of his friends. Family of his 2 closest friends may know others who dad stayed in touch with, former coworkers, etc. Require masks of guests in the obit to avoid an outbreak. Possibly meet at a civic center/park building that would accommodate a small gathering. Have a family member do a remembrance or eulogy talk if he didn't belong to a church family.

Make it simple just like he asked. Family only can gathering for the ashes to be buried at a date further out.

I’d wait until all the Covid problems are over where you are, then have a service or a ‘party’ and invite all the people who would like to come. Just tell people noew that it will be delayed. The seat with a view and a memorial plaque is a really nice idea - where would he like it to be placed, somewhere he liked to walk or overlooking a view he enjoyed. Perhaps have the party outside just by the memorial seat. A delayed reminder to people who will remember him, has a lot going for it. Perhaps your 'delay' email or letter could ask for suggestions. It will keep his memory green for longer. Forget about ‘tradition’, it didn’t include Covid. Start from the beginning to think about what he would like, and what would be nice for his friends and relations. In the short term, do whatever will meet the needs of the living!

Yes it’s ok to skip it and do what feels best. Funerals and services are for the living not the dead. My dad died at nearly 99 so no one really left other than family to attend. I wrote a graveside service and my 3 sisters contributed what they wanted to say. Two sisters and granddaughter could not fly in so we used Zoom so they could watch it. We also recorded it. Some of his nieces and nephews and a remaining sister in law attended. Ten total of us and this was last June during the thick of Covid. We all wore masks and had it graveside. Now with the vaccine there is no reason not to hug.

All of this. My 88-year-old dad died in September from COVID and we were too busy dealing with my mom's COVID (and worrying that she would follow) to do anything. He left no instructions; we cremated him and he sits on the living room table...eventually I'd sort of like to have a place where he's buried, but we were flying by the seat of our pants when it came to making these decisions and did our best. We were also quarantined at the time.

Please do not stress too much over this, especially during these times. What will make YOU feel the least stressed?? Go with that! My MIL died in January at 93. Her wishes (which were laid down many years ago) was to have a viewing at church, an Eastern Star service, a church service, a lunch for everyone while her body was being cremated and then off to her burial place to have a short burial service there at the columbarium. My FIL had the same 2 years ago but it was winter and we talked my MIL into doing it over 2 days. Anyway....none of her wishes can be fulfilled with Covid, except a gathering at the Columbarium for her final burial (ashes). And we will do that this spring with family only. The world is a different place now. I truly hope that you choose what will lessen your own stress. It's okay!! 🙂

My dad died of Covid in August of last year. He was cremated. I held a scattering of roses and ashes ceremony at a beautiful park in his hometown. Only a few people were asked to attend; mask required; social distancing. It turned out to be a beautiful little ceremony. It was held approximately one month after his death. I would definitely do this again instead of a funeral or memorial service.

Did he have a favorite outdoor "spot" where he liked to spend time (i.e. fishing, hunting, golfing, sitting in a park)? If so, any of those would be a lovely, safe area to have a small memorial service. Memorial service crowds are running mighty slim these days, so don't be surprised if only family attends. But that is OK.

The other option is to simply have a graveside service at the family plot.

I would just have a small family service as your Dad requested

Unless you or his/your immediate family members are needing a service now for closure or religious reasons I think Dad has let you off the hook on that and I would cremate him (sounds like you have), wait until COVID is no longer a consideration and you have had some time to decompress from the events leading up to his passing. Then when you are ready and the timing feels rite my guess is the best plan will become clear to you. You can place the obituary now and say a memorial service will be planned in the future or just place the obit later once you have a plan, my guess is there are several variations of this all over the country rite now. For now let yourself breathe. My condolences

my Father died a few years ago, my parents had been divorced for awhile, I am an only child it was up to me. He always said bury me under the tree in the backyard. Well he got his wish we had him cremated. And we went out and got a tree some type of evergreen. And on Father’s Day we planned the tree with his ashes. No big ceremony, all his family is in Canada and could or would not come. And he grew up in a very catholic household which was overdone, he became to hate the religion. So I gave him his wish no ceremony just a newly planted tree in our backyard.

Aso we will do the same type of thing for my Mother, cremation and bury her with her favorite type of flowers, she loves lilacs. Also she has not spoken to her family in 28 years, this was a choice. But now with her LBD she still thinks her parents are living. (she is 92) I also do not know if her sister and brother are living. There has been no contact in 28 years.

The memorial service is for the living. Your father indicated that he wanted a simple service. Do what makes you and your family feel good.

I'm sorry your father died, and I am sorry you have to go through all of this as he should have pre-planned and paid the delicate matter of disposing of the body to save you this terrible headache and expense. DEATH is very expensive, and it does not end there: If the estate was not preplanned you will have to go through another terrible ordeal called probate, property transfers, home-owner's insurance title transfers, and so on--all of which will require an attorney.

I do not know if your dad had any military benefits, but you MUST notify Tri-Care of his death. Further if he had a military stipend--you **MUST** notify them of the death to stop payment because whatever they pay out after death they will want back. They eventually will find out. I am mentioning this now to save you heartache later. Now the funeral home is required to notify Social Security but I would call them just in case to stop payments immediately. The funeral home will only notify Social Security and that is it. NOTIFY THE BANK to help prevent fraud. Death is a huge mess! You also have to notify water and electric utilities. To add insult to injury, if they filed taxes, you have to do that too. A final one.

Social Security will not pay you a dime. You have to be their spouse or dependent child and they will send like $200 for help pay for the cost of funeral expenses.

Just to also let you know your father's debts are no longer your responsibility unless you co-signed something. So keep a copy of his death certificate. My mom owed a few thousand to the ambulance services because they charted incorrectly and I refused to pay anything so when she died years later they sent me a bill and I mailed them a photocopy of her death certificate and they stopped sending me bills. The fact they never got paid is their fault because of their irresponsible charting. So they can eat it up.

Money is for the living, and you are going to need a lot of it to settle his estate if he did not preplan those matters. It sounds like you were named the executrix of the Estate because POA ceases once they die. Put it another way--if family wants a memorial service, burial etc., ..let them pay for it.

The only thing that comforts me when my mom died is knowing her ordeal of life is over and is in a much better place, and the fact we all are going to die someday. So it will be out turn later.

Once a person dies, they are gone. What matters is how a person is treated when they are alive. I got my mom cremated without a service, because the "memorial service" is my unending love for her that I carry with me for the rest of my life.

My mom's ashes are in a cigar box that I bought on Amazon for $45. It is a humidor, very solid and high quality. Likewise my father in a similar box. Both in an antique cabinet in my home. I decorated the cabinet with flowers (artificial), and photos. You see a memorial need not cost you anything. What you carry inside of you is all that matters.

Sad even when one is dead, it's still expensive.

Sorry to hear you lost your dad. My mom passed this past August. Mom was well known in town since she worked at the local bank until she retired. We struggled over having a public graveside service but in the end, due to concerns of covid (dad was 97) we did the service at the grave with just immediate family. There were 6 of us plus the funeral home staff who all knew mom. It was small, my sister in law played the music and we all sang an easy hymn at the end. The minister did a great service. If I was you due to covid I would wait and do a small service when you scatter your dads ashes.

A memorial service can be whatever you want it to be. Your idea to have a smaller family service when his ashes are buried is beautifully perfect.

It seems unnecessary to have a Memorial Service if there is no one left to come. The obituary could say the family is having a private service at a future date. If someone who sees the obit wants to send condolences to the family, that would be enough.

It is best to do this the way YOU want--this is not a social obligation that has to follow a lot of special rules or meet the expectations of other people.