To have a memorial service or not?

An update: In April, after my father’s death, I ran the obituary in his local paper and said the service would be held at a later date. It’s now July and I’ve decided on a simple memorial service at the funeral home in the town my dad grew up in.Any family that is left live up there. Luckily, my uncle who lives very far away just happened to be in the hometown to attend to some other family business so he can attend. There will be the burial of the afterwards and that is it. I don’t know who else will come other than the handful of people I’ve notified personally but the obit was posted online this week.
I was feeling like maybe I should have done more; like schedule a dinner gathering after but I’m so burned out. Been dealing with my dad’s hospitalization and bill paying since January, he passed in April. He had no spouse and I’m an only child so alone I had to get an attorney, probate his will, am dealing with clearing out his house and selling it and his truck to pay off his estate bills. I arranged for the memorial service myself and need to write his eulogy that I’m giving at it. I’m tired and hope everything turns out okay.

Imho, you should keep it as simple as possible for yourself, e.g. perhaps a small graveside service when he is interred.

I held a graveside memorial service for my father after he passed in the nursing home.

He was cremated and his ashes buried in the family plot near the town where he grew up - which he had left decades earlier.

I placed obits in his birth town paper as well as the larger newspaper where he had spent his adult years - so that those who knew him from both places would see the death notice.

You are not required to bend over backwards for his memorial service. Do what is most convenient for you that will still honor his memory.

I would put a small obituary in his home town paper (or the town where he lived). You can say graveside service only (give specifics) and if no one but family attends, fine. But if old friends in the town where he lived want a chance to remember him and say goodbye, let them. If you want family only, you can say arrangements later (no specifics mentioned). At least those who knew him would know he has passed.

Funerals are for the living.

You can certainly have a small d private service graveside. Or you can do as I suggested with later date when all Covid rules are lifted to have a memorial.orzince thrashes will be in a container so any type of service can be later

I would wait. I've got 3 containers of ashes my mom my brother my son. You can only do so much.

I have absolutely no living family and most of my friends are gone although I keep in touch with many who live all over via e-mail. I have a list in my book of ALL people who should be notified upon my demise. I have asked for a very simple memorial service after I am gone - be it only a handful of people or many. All I ask is that they be notified. Everyone should do that and also have someone designated as an "emergency" contact in the event something happens. In this case, just have a tiny service for the family and if others show up, that would be nice - but do something. You will have closure.

There is nothing lame about skipping the local memorial service. If it were me I'd have a more personal, smaller memorial service. Do what is most comfortable for you and your family.

I’m sorry for your loss and the family drama. My mother has not passed yet, but I am planning for the future. I have to do what is practical. I want to avoid complicated family dynamics that will only cause me and my loved ones pain not to mention time and money. I have prewritten an obit that will be published in her home town area and it will state that she will be interred in her family cemetery and that donations can be made in her name at a charity I picked based on what I think she would like. I made no mention mention of a memorial. It’s just too much. Currently we and she live out of state as I moved her close to me to manage her care. There is no rule about memorials. And I feel no obligation to explain my decision to anyone. She didn’t attend religious service, she isolated herself, she burned plenty of bridges, and many of her friends are frail or have moved themselves. What I did do, and have done, is to insure that she has had great care at the end of her life, managed all her affairs to the best of my ability, been a great advocate for her and have planned a dignified funeral. This is my memorial for her while she is still alive.

So sorry that your father's last days were difficult for you. Sounds like those days were difficult for many in the family as well.

Memorial ceremonies are for those left behind. They provide an opportunity to share memories, share love, and find closure. If you and your family feels the need to be more inclusive of dad's community, there are ways to provide simpler memorials. If dad lived in a residential facility, you could easily arrange for simple snacks in one of their meeting rooms so residents could have a "picture wake" (his pictures in the room with no service and maybe a guest book that residents could write remembrances or just sign in). You could also arrange for a virtual memorial where friends and neighbors could be directed to a ZOOM online site to view a memorial at a date and place of your choosing. Of course, a "graveside" ceremony with just family is always appropriate.

Whatever you do, ask close your close friends and family to help you. You need to be able to find peace in loving memories when the memorial is concluded.

It is best to do this the way YOU want--this is not a social obligation that has to follow a lot of special rules or meet the expectations of other people.

It seems unnecessary to have a Memorial Service if there is no one left to come. The obituary could say the family is having a private service at a future date. If someone who sees the obit wants to send condolences to the family, that would be enough.

A memorial service can be whatever you want it to be. Your idea to have a smaller family service when his ashes are buried is beautifully perfect.

Sorry to hear you lost your dad. My mom passed this past August. Mom was well known in town since she worked at the local bank until she retired. We struggled over having a public graveside service but in the end, due to concerns of covid (dad was 97) we did the service at the grave with just immediate family. There were 6 of us plus the funeral home staff who all knew mom. It was small, my sister in law played the music and we all sang an easy hymn at the end. The minister did a great service. If I was you due to covid I would wait and do a small service when you scatter your dads ashes.

I'm sorry your father died, and I am sorry you have to go through all of this as he should have pre-planned and paid the delicate matter of disposing of the body to save you this terrible headache and expense. DEATH is very expensive, and it does not end there: If the estate was not preplanned you will have to go through another terrible ordeal called probate, property transfers, home-owner's insurance title transfers, and so on--all of which will require an attorney.

I do not know if your dad had any military benefits, but you MUST notify Tri-Care of his death. Further if he had a military stipend--you **MUST** notify them of the death to stop payment because whatever they pay out after death they will want back. They eventually will find out. I am mentioning this now to save you heartache later. Now the funeral home is required to notify Social Security but I would call them just in case to stop payments immediately. The funeral home will only notify Social Security and that is it. NOTIFY THE BANK to help prevent fraud. Death is a huge mess! You also have to notify water and electric utilities. To add insult to injury, if they filed taxes, you have to do that too. A final one.

Social Security will not pay you a dime. You have to be their spouse or dependent child and they will send like $200 for help pay for the cost of funeral expenses.

Just to also let you know your father's debts are no longer your responsibility unless you co-signed something. So keep a copy of his death certificate. My mom owed a few thousand to the ambulance services because they charted incorrectly and I refused to pay anything so when she died years later they sent me a bill and I mailed them a photocopy of her death certificate and they stopped sending me bills. The fact they never got paid is their fault because of their irresponsible charting. So they can eat it up.

Money is for the living, and you are going to need a lot of it to settle his estate if he did not preplan those matters. It sounds like you were named the executrix of the Estate because POA ceases once they die. Put it another way--if family wants a memorial service, burial etc., ..let them pay for it.

The only thing that comforts me when my mom died is knowing her ordeal of life is over and is in a much better place, and the fact we all are going to die someday. So it will be out turn later.

Once a person dies, they are gone. What matters is how a person is treated when they are alive. I got my mom cremated without a service, because the "memorial service" is my unending love for her that I carry with me for the rest of my life.

My mom's ashes are in a cigar box that I bought on Amazon for $45. It is a humidor, very solid and high quality. Likewise my father in a similar box. Both in an antique cabinet in my home. I decorated the cabinet with flowers (artificial), and photos. You see a memorial need not cost you anything. What you carry inside of you is all that matters.

Sad even when one is dead, it's still expensive.

The memorial service is for the living. Your father indicated that he wanted a simple service. Do what makes you and your family feel good.

my Father died a few years ago, my parents had been divorced for awhile, I am an only child it was up to me. He always said bury me under the tree in the backyard. Well he got his wish we had him cremated. And we went out and got a tree some type of evergreen. And on Father’s Day we planned the tree with his ashes. No big ceremony, all his family is in Canada and could or would not come. And he grew up in a very catholic household which was overdone, he became to hate the religion. So I gave him his wish no ceremony just a newly planted tree in our backyard.

Aso we will do the same type of thing for my Mother, cremation and bury her with her favorite type of flowers, she loves lilacs. Also she has not spoken to her family in 28 years, this was a choice. But now with her LBD she still thinks her parents are living. (she is 92) I also do not know if her sister and brother are living. There has been no contact in 28 years.

Unless you or his/your immediate family members are needing a service now for closure or religious reasons I think Dad has let you off the hook on that and I would cremate him (sounds like you have), wait until COVID is no longer a consideration and you have had some time to decompress from the events leading up to his passing. Then when you are ready and the timing feels rite my guess is the best plan will become clear to you. You can place the obituary now and say a memorial service will be planned in the future or just place the obit later once you have a plan, my guess is there are several variations of this all over the country rite now. For now let yourself breathe. My condolences

I would just have a small family service as your Dad requested

Did he have a favorite outdoor "spot" where he liked to spend time (i.e. fishing, hunting, golfing, sitting in a park)? If so, any of those would be a lovely, safe area to have a small memorial service. Memorial service crowds are running mighty slim these days, so don't be surprised if only family attends. But that is OK.

The other option is to simply have a graveside service at the family plot.

My dad died of Covid in August of last year. He was cremated. I held a scattering of roses and ashes ceremony at a beautiful park in his hometown. Only a few people were asked to attend; mask required; social distancing. It turned out to be a beautiful little ceremony. It was held approximately one month after his death. I would definitely do this again instead of a funeral or memorial service.

Please do not stress too much over this, especially during these times. What will make YOU feel the least stressed?? Go with that! My MIL died in January at 93. Her wishes (which were laid down many years ago) was to have a viewing at church, an Eastern Star service, a church service, a lunch for everyone while her body was being cremated and then off to her burial place to have a short burial service there at the columbarium. My FIL had the same 2 years ago but it was winter and we talked my MIL into doing it over 2 days. Anyway....none of her wishes can be fulfilled with Covid, except a gathering at the Columbarium for her final burial (ashes). And we will do that this spring with family only. The world is a different place now. I truly hope that you choose what will lessen your own stress. It's okay!! 🙂

All of this. My 88-year-old dad died in September from COVID and we were too busy dealing with my mom's COVID (and worrying that she would follow) to do anything. He left no instructions; we cremated him and he sits on the living room table...eventually I'd sort of like to have a place where he's buried, but we were flying by the seat of our pants when it came to making these decisions and did our best. We were also quarantined at the time.

Yes it’s ok to skip it and do what feels best. Funerals and services are for the living not the dead. My dad died at nearly 99 so no one really left other than family to attend. I wrote a graveside service and my 3 sisters contributed what they wanted to say. Two sisters and granddaughter could not fly in so we used Zoom so they could watch it. We also recorded it. Some of his nieces and nephews and a remaining sister in law attended. Ten total of us and this was last June during the thick of Covid. We all wore masks and had it graveside. Now with the vaccine there is no reason not to hug.

I’d wait until all the Covid problems are over where you are, then have a service or a ‘party’ and invite all the people who would like to come. Just tell people noew that it will be delayed. The seat with a view and a memorial plaque is a really nice idea - where would he like it to be placed, somewhere he liked to walk or overlooking a view he enjoyed. Perhaps have the party outside just by the memorial seat. A delayed reminder to people who will remember him, has a lot going for it. Perhaps your 'delay' email or letter could ask for suggestions. It will keep his memory green for longer. Forget about ‘tradition’, it didn’t include Covid. Start from the beginning to think about what he would like, and what would be nice for his friends and relations. In the short term, do whatever will meet the needs of the living!

Your dad requested a simple memorial service, so that's what I would do. Put the obit in his local paper and make some phone calls to any of the family members of his friends. Family of his 2 closest friends may know others who dad stayed in touch with, former coworkers, etc. Require masks of guests in the obit to avoid an outbreak. Possibly meet at a civic center/park building that would accommodate a small gathering. Have a family member do a remembrance or eulogy talk if he didn't belong to a church family.

Make it simple just like he asked. Family only can gathering for the ashes to be buried at a date further out.

When the time comes, I’m having a commitment prayer for my LO at the cemetery, and no service.

As Covid declines, I will be having a Memorial Mass for my mom and her 4 sisters, of whom LO is the last survivor. Anyone who disagrees with my decision (I’m the poa/caregiver, the other poa lives 900 miles away) can pound salt, and I’ll be glad to provide the shaker.

Do what you need to do to avoid family drama and honor your dad exactly as how you believe he would have preferred.

Your responsibility, your call.

My mom has 2 sisters, a brother in law, and my cousins
( who by the way don’t bother with my mom ) in the area. I’m thinking of definitely less than 10 people or even less than five would attend any type of service. I am not having a funeral for my mom... probably graveside gathering at burial.

A small occasion with close family sounds as though it would suit your father's wishes for not a lot of fuss. I think that a short period of celebration of his life and recollections of him by the family at the crematorium would indeed fulfil all his wishes. Hugs to you at a difficult time complicated by covid. As long as he goes on his journey with love of those closest to him you will have given him everything you can and he wanted.