Was I wrong to take the keys?

Mom shouldn't be driving either, I'd say, so yes, you were right to take the keys. I'd also find a way to disable the car, because copies of keys are easy to get. (Pull the spark plug wires, for example. That isn't as easy to diagnose as disconnecting the battery.)

Do you have power of attorney for them? If so, I'd get the car off their property entirely -- out of sight, out of mind.

Don't cave on this. You'd hate for one of them to not only lose their assets but for one of them to kill someone or each other.

You are not wrong, and it may be time to get them more help.

Unfortunately it sounds like mom is either not strong enough to stand up to dad or is under the misconception that dad is still ok to drive and is willing to act as his partner in crime and facilitate his access. Either way - that's a dangerous combination and I think you did the right thing.

That being said, as Fawnby said, if they were managing their day-to-day by driving themselves places - they will need to backfill that somehow- whether that is with grocery deliveries and scheduled rides (uber, senior rides, friends, church volunteers, you if you have time, etc) planned activities, etc or however that can be managed - OR if that means it is time to consider a move to an AL where they will have additional assistance.

What is the saying? The hard part is over, now the hard part begins...

Yes, hold your ground and don't give the keys back. It doesn't matter if they lose all of their assets or not, it will be the people who are killed and the families that are left with a loss that could have been prevented whose lives have been forever changed that is a greater tragedy.

You do need to figure a way for them to have the independence they desire. On the other hand, it might be time to consider moving them to a facility that can take care of them, yet allow their independence.

I think you dodged a huge bullet when you took the keys away from them. Congratulations and good job!

You need to take the car, not just the keys. The loss of their assets should not be the focus, the damage they could do to someone else's life should be. What I found is that having the car sitting there, as a reminder of what they cannot do anymore has no positive effects and lots of negative ones. Once the care became out of sight, it was also out of mind (although I will admit not as much as I would like it to be!). Do you expect their condition to improve? Do you expect your mom's abilities to get better? If not, get rid of the car. If you don't have the authority to sell it then at least move it so they don't see it constantly.

Refuse to give the keys back.Please, you know all of the whys.Offer to take them wherever they need to go.

You did the right thing now get them LYFT or UBER on their i phones ☎️

Hello. Take the car. My friend’s husband developed dementia. She hid the keys. Husband went to the dealer and got another one. Who knew he had that much capacity.

Nope.

Also, I can't imagine looking over and seeing your dad driving in the other lane. 😻. Gotta laugh at this stuff or we'll go insane!

It was emotional to stop my DH from driving but I’m a confident it was the right thing to do. I know you’re struggling with the decision but imagine the turmoil of an accident that takes the life of an innocent person just to appease Dad’s feelings. I know these days are trying for all.

Unfortunately and very sadly, explaining anything at this point may not be remembered or taken seriously. Remove the keys and the car. Hopefully your mom can understand enough to support you as much as she can and not hold it against you.

However, maybe the thing to say, when the issue is brought up, is reminding them "While driving in town I saw my parent’s car in the other lane with my dad driving." Then point out... all it takes is having a head-on collision and someone be killed instantly! What if you are the other driver and both of you killed? If your mom is in the car... then it could be three of you. Even worse, if she isn't in the car... could she live with losing both of you. Keep reminding them that no family should have to live with losing their loved one(s) when it could have been easily avoided. The life you save, may be your own!

When my father stopped driving, I bought the car from him and that way he got to ride in it occasionally. My husband stopped driving after an accident where I was the driver. It wasn't even a serious one but the stress caused him to react in ways that had he been the driver, no one would have believed he was fine before the accident. That convinced me right there, had he been the driver we could have been sued for everything based on the opinion of everyone that he should have not been driving even though he was perfectly fine before the accident.

Even if no one is injured, if the other driver learns he has memory issues it can be used against him in court. So yes, losing a life is the worst case scenario but losing all your assets can still happen even when no one is even injured.

It is no longer safe for your parents to drive. Remove the car, place your father in memory car and get rideshare for your mother.

Took an accident, a miracle that the only injury was bruising and a totaled car to get an elder in my world to give up driving. I don’t recommend that method. That said, they need a doable solution to run errands.

My husband reached the point he could no longer make decisions quickly so driving was out of the question. I took the car keys then I had to remove the riding lawn mower from the property. He was still resourceful! It was a difficult time but for his safety and the safety of others, it was necessary.

It is a difficult situation. No, you should not give the keys back. The other question is whether they are capable of staying at home; need some assistance at home; need to move to an independent living senior facility with transportation; AL or MC with transportation. It is best to not get into a long argument as to why they can't drive as you and the doctor have already explained it. Focus on the transportation options that you can help them set up if they stay home or at a facility.

Do not give the keys back to either of them. Lovingly and, briefly share that it is for their safety , because you love them and, are protecting them and their assets. If you want at some point Share that you know that this big change causes grief and, that you are aware of that. Then redirect the conversation to something different and positive. Expect the conversation to come up again and again, be prepared with same brief answer.
Perhaps arranging a set schedule for them to be taken to stores, appointments, pleasure outings etc ( notice I said arrange, not that YOU must do it all) will give them a way to ease into the change without feeling the full impact of loss of control over when they go and come . Protect yourself and them. You are doing the right thing.

Time to get those car keys in your possession.

My 94 yo father with macular degeneration was driving up until two years ago because his eye doctor signed off for that he could drive in NYC certain hours of the day when the roads are not so congested.. (There is never a good time to drive in NYC). I was astounded that a doctor could be that stupid. We just figured the doctor would not sign off in his license renewal. It was clear my dad could not see well, not to mention his reflexes were not good.

After many subsequent arguments about his hanging up the car keys we had his granddaughter ask if she could buy his car because she needed a good used one. He actually was magnanimous and gave it to her. Thankfully our story ended well.

Yes, you did right and now can continue down that same path- remove the vehicle from their sight - otherwise they will be reminded on a daily basis of their limitations (which were caused by you, in their minds). Also, there are ways to get keys made for the vehicle that might be tempting for them as well.

It seems as if both your parents are no longer able to make the best and highest good judgment calls, and that is where you, with POA, must step in to keep them safe and out of harms way.

And it is time, not 'perhaps time', to have them start a new living arrangement in AL. To get my 93 yo mother to start considering it, I first went and looked at ALL the available options in the area - that way I could narrow down the list of places that might be seriously considered by her. The list was narrowed down to 6 possibilities. All of the facilities that were possibilities offered tours and also a lunch or dinner option the day of the tour. After a year of 'gradual touring' (meaning one a month or every other month), she finally agreed that it might a good idea. We started the process by a gradual downsizing (going through clothing, kitchen stuff, garage stuff, etc) so she felt she had more of a say in things. Unfortunately, she fell and broke her femur several months prior to the actual move, and the resulting surgeries and rehab were too much for her 95 year old body and she passed away before making the move.

Your dad's cognitive decline will prevent him from making rational and logical decisions (including understanding the ramifications of driving), and your mother, with beginning memory issues, has deferred to him all her married life, and is hesitant to make such a life changing decision that would disrupt your dad's life. Especially when it involves leaving their home to a place that might be considered, in their minds, their final place. As long as they stay in their home, they can overlook the obvious and also, don't have to admit their decline to themselves.

Perhaps start by taking your mother with you on a tour or two of AL facilities that would meet/exceed their expectations and yours. Actually seeing the places definitively helped my mother see that the places of today were not the places of yesterday. Having your mother on the same page might help with transitioning your dad to AL.

That all said, with both your parents cognitive declines, make sure you are active with supervising and managing their finances.

Yes you did the correct thing - taking and keeping those keys. With the memory issues they will not remember NOT to drive. What they do not see they will not do. Keep the keys and get rid of the car so they do not see it.

You definitely did the right thing. While I didn’t have to resort to that, my mother still thinks she can drive but has apparently lost the desire. Between in home help who can run errands, and getting her into a program with the town and local church where you can sign up to get a volunteer driver for trips ahead of time, my mother no longer feels the need to drive. Her retirement community also offers rides but for some reason she won’t use them. She has used Uber and Lyft in the past elsewhere but for some reason won’t do that either. I also introduced her to how to get takeouts delivered. Now that she has the daily in home help she relies mostly on them. They also take her to fun things like movies and other events. Since she can go with them to run errands and goes to the fun stuff she still gets out rather than staying home all day, which I think some people fear without a car.

Neither of your parents are judged incompetent? I don't really see how you can take the keys no matter I believe wholeheartedly that your intentions are the best. You CAN report your Dad to the DMV. And should.
My own brother drove until he had a bad accident, and was thankful afterwards that he was the only one injured. At that time, during hospitalization he was evaluated and diagnosed with probable early Lewy's Dementia. That changed everything at once.

You can speak to your Dad about diagnostic workups, about his driving, about your intention to report him, and encourage your mom not to be in the car with him. With her uncertainty she should not be driving, either.

I am really sorry. This may come down to Dad knowing this only after an accident, and I greatly hope no one gets hurt. A totaled care on the other hand would not be a bad thing.

When we had this with my BIL the neurologist suggested that he take a driving test that they give people with dementia. Its expensive but it would help your father understand what he has going on with him. With my BIL it was during covid so we kept telling him that the appointments are scheduled out 3 months and with him his short term memory is gone so he would just forget about it.

I had to sell his vehicle to get him into a NH with memory care because I had to spend down his finances to get him onto Medicaid. We still tell him he has his vehicle and its out at his sister in law's. His driver's license has been expired now for 3yrs.

You can't trust your parents especially if both of them show decline you did the right thing.

Prayers

Keep the keys. They can’t be trusted. It’s like letting two 3 year olds make decisions.

Have the car towed to a dealer who can sell it. Use that money to hire a companion driver @ Care.com or Visiting Angels. Ask hourly rate and gasoline and proof of car insurance (maybe driving record, too?).

Technically, you have stolen your parents' property. I think in your shoes what I might do is hand the keys in to the police, explain the circumstances, and ask them to deal with it.

I certainly wouldn't for a moment believe that your mother could keep the keys from your father if you were to hand them back to her. Memory issues of her own or no, if he won't let little things like not having a licence stop him she's hardly going to be able to stand in his way, is she?

Is her cognitive ability such that a doctor would also tell her that she should not be driving? If so you should not return the keys to her either.
Did you try to discuss the situation with them or did you "storm in, grab the keys possibly yelling "mom, the doctor just got done telling us that dad should not drive anymore. I can't trust either of you now!"
I (and I hate to say this) would return the keys but I would put an airtag on them or other device so you know where they are and maybe check to see who is driving. If you live in a small town and the police know your parents you might want to give them a heads up that if they see dad driving they should stop them.
Taking the keys away leaves your mom "stranded" and unable to run errands.
Is it possible that the reason she is "not confident" behind the wheel because your dad did all the driving, possibly even commented on her driving so that she remained dependent upon him?
Leaving mom without a way to get to the store also puts more of a burden on you or other family members to take up the slack and do all the errands that mom could probably still do.

Driving without a license (in my state) can carry a penalty of up to a $1,000 fine, jail time, and the vehicle could be impounded (with or without an accident).

Could you keep the keys and give them only to your mother if she wants to drive? If she still has her license and hasn't been deemed incompetent behind the wheel, it will be difficult to keep the keys away from her.

I know if my parents were in the same situation, my mother would never stop my Dad from driving, even if his license was taken away. The only way I could have stopped them was to take the keys or car away.

If you feel that you mother can't make decisions to keep them and others safe, I would keep the keys. If you return them and see your Dad driving, I would report it as it is a huge risk.

Your local Dept of Aging may have available transportation if
you contact them.
In my area my husband lost his license and then had an incident driving.
The police instructed me to take the keys away to prevent
an accident or getting lost.