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I've been really run ragged from my work and taking care of my mom, and recently told her, "My situation is unique, mom, and I do get tired from working and taking care of you." I thought, ya know, I doubt that my aunt ever said that to her mom when she cared for her (but who knows, right?). Is it a cruel thing to say, or simply being honest and frank?

ConcernedDtrA, can you give us more information such as your Mom's health issues. Was your Mom a housewife the whole time during her marriage as that generation doesn't quite understand when their daughters are going to work.


I remember when my Dad wanted me to retire from my career, a career where I had to break a few glass ceilings to reach my goal. Dad wanted me to have more time to help him and my Mom (they were in their 90's). I then asked my Dad if he had retired from work early to help with his parents. I knew his answer would be "no". He never asked me again. My folks could afford to hire people to help them but they didn't want to dust off their wallet.


You were being honest and frank. Ask your Mom for suggestions on how to help with this situation. Elders tend to accept things better when it is their idea.
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Reply to freqflyer
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It is honest and it is frank.
I would actually expound further on it with your mom IF she has NO DEMENTIA.
You haven't listed this under dementia, and you haven't told us anything really about your mom, whether or not you two live together in her own or your home, how capable she is of helping you and so on.

But yes, it is a good discussion over a cup of coffee if mom is cognizant. I would elaborate. For instance:
"I hope that you know that I love you. And I am happy to be able to help you. BUT, I have lots on my plate mom (this is where you describe your plate and what it is full of in some detail).
I am trying to do the right thing, but I am uncertain how long I can go on at this level.
I have to tell you that in the near future we will have to discuss some options on how we will get help for you so that I don't do more than I can."

This is honest. There is no rancor or anger or lack of love. This is truth.

Now, if we are talking any level of dementia? It doesn't really matter WHAT you say. It will not compute.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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It's not cruel at all. What's cruel is that you have to be the caregiver and still work a regular paying job.

What you said isn't cruel. It's honest.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Unless you screamed cuss words and called your mom ugly names, you said nothing cruel. For all you know, your aunt treated her mom like garbage! Not everyone has The Perfect Life like they claim to on Facebook. My mother put on a lovely mask for the outside world, yet our home was like a boxing ring between herself and her mother.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Dear, you count for something too!
Have some grace for yourself too!
Don't doubt yourself or put yourself down.
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Reply to jwellsy
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No, not at all , with the little information we have, I think that the people we caregive, forget to see as as humans at times, they see someone that does for them the things they wish they could do for themselves.

You humanized yourself, let her know your not a robot, your real and you get tired too.

Please do let us know more information, why is your story unique?
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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ElizabethAR37 Oct 13, 2024
You are SO right in saying that caregivers often are doing things for elders that they VERY MUCH wish they could still do for themselves--but can't. We old people (spouse 94 and I 87) need to be highly cognizant of that fact and NOT expect our family to be doing "double duty" caring for us and attending to their own lives. The latter has first dibs on their time, energy and money.
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Nothing wrong with what you said . It’s not healthy for you to be running ragged .

I’m curious what your mother said .
Did she offer to hire help for herself ?
That would have been a reasonable response to your being worn out .
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Reply to waytomisery
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One time when I was taking my mom to the doctor, she was complaining about her situation. Her situation, which was really her own doing because she refused to prepare for her future and it came down to me to do it after memory issues and a broken hip. She said, "You know what they don't tell you about getting old? They don't tell you that you will lose control of everything. They will sell your car and house and put you in a facility."
(I was simply tired of hearing it, because I always hear it when I see her.)
"Well Mom, let me tell you something. It's also really hard for me to have to make those decisions when you could have but didn't. It very hard to have to be a constant source of disappointment, because of your refusal to plan in case something happened. I can't help what happened, but I was tasked to make sure you were taken care of and I did the best I can."
"Stop. You're going to make me cry."
"Good! You go ahead and cry, because I cry every day. So, you go ahead. Cry, then blow your nose and clean up because we're almost at the doctor's office."

She's never brought it up again.
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Reply to darts1975
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lkdrymom Oct 19, 2024
You are my hero. Brilliantly said.
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I see no problem reminding a parent that working a fulltime job and helping them too is a lot for one person. I would remind them that 10 hours out of the day is getting ready and driving to work, working and coming home from work. 8 hours you need to sleep. That leaves 6 hours to tend to her needs and time to do what you need to do for you. I really think parents forget what they needed to get donevin a 24hr a day. They get self-centered thinking because they are elderly everyone needs to do their bidding.

I think you were honest not cruel.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I recommend you start investigating some in home health care or moving her to a facility. Having just dealt with a lengthy and highly stressful transition from home to memory care for my father, I don't know why people try it at home.
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Reply to JR2555
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