I've been really run ragged from my work and taking care of my mom, and recently told her, "My situation is unique, mom, and I do get tired from working and taking care of you." I thought, ya know, I doubt that my aunt ever said that to her mom when she cared for her (but who knows, right?). Is it a cruel thing to say, or simply being honest and frank?
I remember when my Dad wanted me to retire from my career, a career where I had to break a few glass ceilings to reach my goal. Dad wanted me to have more time to help him and my Mom (they were in their 90's). I then asked my Dad if he had retired from work early to help with his parents. I knew his answer would be "no". He never asked me again. My folks could afford to hire people to help them but they didn't want to dust off their wallet.
You were being honest and frank. Ask your Mom for suggestions on how to help with this situation. Elders tend to accept things better when it is their idea.
I would actually expound further on it with your mom IF she has NO DEMENTIA.
You haven't listed this under dementia, and you haven't told us anything really about your mom, whether or not you two live together in her own or your home, how capable she is of helping you and so on.
But yes, it is a good discussion over a cup of coffee if mom is cognizant. I would elaborate. For instance:
"I hope that you know that I love you. And I am happy to be able to help you. BUT, I have lots on my plate mom (this is where you describe your plate and what it is full of in some detail).
I am trying to do the right thing, but I am uncertain how long I can go on at this level.
I have to tell you that in the near future we will have to discuss some options on how we will get help for you so that I don't do more than I can."
This is honest. There is no rancor or anger or lack of love. This is truth.
Now, if we are talking any level of dementia? It doesn't really matter WHAT you say. It will not compute.
What you said isn't cruel. It's honest.
Have some grace for yourself too!
Don't doubt yourself or put yourself down.
You humanized yourself, let her know your not a robot, your real and you get tired too.
Please do let us know more information, why is your story unique?
I’m curious what your mother said .
Did she offer to hire help for herself ?
That would have been a reasonable response to your being worn out .
(I was simply tired of hearing it, because I always hear it when I see her.)
"Well Mom, let me tell you something. It's also really hard for me to have to make those decisions when you could have but didn't. It very hard to have to be a constant source of disappointment, because of your refusal to plan in case something happened. I can't help what happened, but I was tasked to make sure you were taken care of and I did the best I can."
"Stop. You're going to make me cry."
"Good! You go ahead and cry, because I cry every day. So, you go ahead. Cry, then blow your nose and clean up because we're almost at the doctor's office."
She's never brought it up again.
I think you were honest not cruel.
See All Answers