I've been really run ragged from my work and taking care of my mom, and recently told her, "My situation is unique, mom, and I do get tired from working and taking care of you." I thought, ya know, I doubt that my aunt ever said that to her mom when she cared for her (but who knows, right?). Is it a cruel thing to say, or simply being honest and frank?
I remember when my Dad wanted me to retire from my career, a career where I had to break a few glass ceilings to reach my goal. Dad wanted me to have more time to help him and my Mom (they were in their 90's). I then asked my Dad if he had retired from work early to help with his parents. I knew his answer would be "no". He never asked me again. My folks could afford to hire people to help them but they didn't want to dust off their wallet.
You were being honest and frank. Ask your Mom for suggestions on how to help with this situation. Elders tend to accept things better when it is their idea.
You humanized yourself, let her know your not a robot, your real and you get tired too.
Please do let us know more information, why is your story unique?
I’m curious what your mother said .
Did she offer to hire help for herself ?
That would have been a reasonable response to your being worn out .
I would actually expound further on it with your mom IF she has NO DEMENTIA.
You haven't listed this under dementia, and you haven't told us anything really about your mom, whether or not you two live together in her own or your home, how capable she is of helping you and so on.
But yes, it is a good discussion over a cup of coffee if mom is cognizant. I would elaborate. For instance:
"I hope that you know that I love you. And I am happy to be able to help you. BUT, I have lots on my plate mom (this is where you describe your plate and what it is full of in some detail).
I am trying to do the right thing, but I am uncertain how long I can go on at this level.
I have to tell you that in the near future we will have to discuss some options on how we will get help for you so that I don't do more than I can."
This is honest. There is no rancor or anger or lack of love. This is truth.
Now, if we are talking any level of dementia? It doesn't really matter WHAT you say. It will not compute.
I think you were honest not cruel.
Quit wasting time worrying about such nonsense when I'm sure you have much bigger fish to fry right?
Have some grace for yourself too!
Don't doubt yourself or put yourself down.
What you said isn't cruel. It's honest.
altho
it does scream you need rest and some me time as well
please look into any way you can find sone time for yourself as well - caring fir someone is physically and mentally/emotionally draining
where it be help through the system if any family etc you can call on
you need help
You’ve updated so doubt you’ll need to do it again
until you get help then to quickly update you are exhausted and someone’s coming in to help a little
Both of my parents were diagnosed with Dementia, but they actually acknowledged the stressful time I went through with them.
Depending upon her ability to process information, she may not understand it anyway. If she does then she is able to talk it through and brainstorm solutions with you. If not, you have to do what is best for you both. If you do not do some self-care, you will be no good to her at all. She needs you but not in all capacities. She needs you well to manage how she is taken care of. You will not stay well, if you continue this and she will have no one. Love is often the hard choice.
Yes, you are being honest and frank, but the situation, timing, and the tone of your voice, and the past history you have with the person, will drastically change how it is perceived by the other person and whether it was inappropriate or not, and whether it makes an impact enough to change the other person's behavior or not.
What this does tell me is that you are overwhelmed with all that you do and what you think you are expected to do.
I think you need to seek professional help. Even if you were to put your Mom into managed care, it may not cure your feeling of helplessness and lack of control over your life. With managed care, there is the guilt, the inability to find enough quality time with the person, the inability to spontaneously interact with the person and the feeling of closeness.
I think it is time to have a frank talk with yourself to manage your expectations against your desires and what you feel are your obligations. A therapist can help you there. You won't be the first or the last person and it isn't because you are weak or in guilt.
Hang in there! and seek outside, impartial assistance with your mental self. You will be needing it, if not now, then later as your Mom continues to age and becomes more dependent upon others.
(I was simply tired of hearing it, because I always hear it when I see her.)
"Well Mom, let me tell you something. It's also really hard for me to have to make those decisions when you could have but didn't. It very hard to have to be a constant source of disappointment, because of your refusal to plan in case something happened. I can't help what happened, but I was tasked to make sure you were taken care of and I did the best I can."
"Stop. You're going to make me cry."
"Good! You go ahead and cry, because I cry every day. So, you go ahead. Cry, then blow your nose and clean up because we're almost at the doctor's office."
She's never brought it up again.
This was one of many things. I would fix an issue for him and he'd seem annoyed and ask if I was sure...maybe call them again. The total lack of respect for your time. He'd complain to my daughter I never 'visited'. When my daughter pointed out I was there often he'd agree but say I was doing things, not visiting. He put me to work every moment I was in his company but I guess that didn't count as visiting.