My wife and I have had a trip planned since January. My mom is in poor health and recently had bowel surgery. They live 5 states away. There was uncertainty around if the surgery would happen and that it would be risky. My dad asked me to come down there. I own my own business and because there was no certain timeline I said I would check my schedule. I was going to go but the issue was when. He said if something happened and I didn’t get to see her I would regret it forever and that he didn’t think he could forgive me. She went in for emergency surgery as her bowel ruptured. She pulled through and I flew down as soon as I could. She survived and I spent a few days with her while she was in the hospital. I went home and she went to rehab. She may be discharged from rehab soon but my Dad is unable to take care of her on his own. He asked me if I could come down there for a few weeks to help him. I told him that was my trip with my wife. He said, “Well, what’s more important?” I said, “Don’t put that on me.” He said, “Well, you gotta do what you gotta do and so do I.” As well, he will be provided with counsel and resources for her post rehab care. He also recently bought a home where I live but choose to live away half the year. He told me yesterday he is selling the house up here.
In both instances He contacted a relative who lives in my state and said they could be there and guilt tripped me with it. I don’t feel wrong on choosing to go on the trip with my wife. Just wondering how to navigate this with my dad.
So what happens when the few weeks are up and you have to come home? It has already been established that dad is now unable to care for mom on his own, so a new plan needs to be hashed out by dad and mom. Does dad expect you to move in and take care of mom forever? Sounds like mom needs to be moved into a facility or in home caregivers need to be hired by dad if he can afford it.
You had your trip planned since January. Go on your trip. Believe me this will not be the last crisis that comes up with mom (and then dad) and before you know it a decade will have passed by and you will still be waiting to take that trip. Take the trip.
But honestly I can't let myself go there anymore, I can't put my life off for her anymore. If we do decide to go at this point in my life after 4 years of her taking over my life and if we pay for and plan and look forward to a vacation I'm going, even if she is on hospice.
Which sounds cruel but you have to live and enjoy your life, life is to short not to. You have planned this gotten excited for it. You deserve this!
We can only do as much as are mental health will allow us. Go and enjoy yourselves!
It wouldnt be fair to him
My dad had surgery to remove a tumor in his colon at age 91. No way was I prepared to take that on. I hired a home caregiver team for all his waking hours and it still wasn’t enough. We ended up with 24/7 live-in care plus relief aides. Plus OT, PT, and others coming to the house. I wish he’d gone to a skilled nursing facility because it would have been better for him and for the family.
Enjoy your vacation with your wife. Life is short.
Are you a nurse? A surgical or rehab nurse? A personal care aide?
Some of my family at various times have seemed to think I was a nurse, taxi driver, general maid, & must be sitting around awaiting them to schedule my calender.
A couple of factors become visable to me.
1. Asing for help is hard.
Easier to hint or pressure family than ask others.
2. Trust. Easier to trust family than others/strangers.
3. Stress. When stressed, problem-solving skills get weak. Easier again to make family the solution.
Any of that make sense or apply to your situation?
This is about what is looking like the long slide down we elders eventually enter. I am 81. I know.
You have excellent answers already.
You likely are not a licensed nurse. What possible "help" could you be in this?
I think that your father needs to hire help in to deal with the initial coming home, and if he realistically cannot care for his wife on discharge then her transfer from rehab to home should be changed to rehab to a care facility for some period of time: which may or may not move to permanently.
You don't say how your mom is doing. Is her mentation good? How is recovery going? Up and about and eating and pooping? Or otherwise?
Beatty is right. He is very frightened and asking for your support to simply BE THERE. He can't see how he can handle this and is unable to say that. Your "being there" may only enable a transfer he isn't capable of handling/of being caregiver for.
I often tell grown children to move 1,000 miles away. Looks like you did, of THEY did as you say they have option of a home in YOUR area but have not chosen it, and plan to sell it.
You have a family, a life, a job. Your parents are on the long slow slide now. You are not going to be able to be there and your father needs to engage now with the medical community in discharge planning to recognize and understand what caregiving he can or cannot do at home.
I wish you the best. I am certain you're suffering guilt to an extent in that you cannot be there for him now. But "now" is--sad to be this brutally honest--the tip of the iceberg in where all this is going now. And you are not going to be able to be there. If they chose to live where they have a home near you, you could be more available to help. In all honestly, that sometimes DOES only enable a couple to ignore the fact that they cannot manage life on their own now, and should enter care, whether at independent living level or ALF level.
In the past 5 years Mom has had a hip replacement, Afib, a heart attack, mini stroke, hears voices, gets confused, this last surgery left her with an Ostomy bag, currently has a UTI. I actually only moved a couple hundred miles from where they originally lived. They moved the 1000 miles. When they bought the home up here he said that he didn’t want to disrupt our lives…yet now that he has chosen to be down there he wants to disrupt our lives. I agree this is going to likely get worse and it feels like the relationship is at stake.
I can’t help but wonder how your dad would have reacted had his father asked him to do what he asked you to do.
Very often, people who ask these enormous favors from others have never made these kinds of sacrifices themselves.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your dad on the other hand, should feel uncomfortable about putting you on the spot.
I wonder how your mom felt about him asking you to help. Did she know and go along with it? Or was she kept in the dark about his plan to recruit you?
You are wise not to open up the door to being a caregiver to your parents. It would never end. It’s better if you allow them to figure it out for themselves.
Enjoy your trip with your wife!
Your dad will have to find other resources for care.
I can’t imagine asking my daughters to turn their lives upside down for my husband and I. They deserve to live their own lives.
What a wise, kind and loving father! Right?
I can’t remember which poster said this but I was so impressed with her dad.
In the future, don't share details with your dad about upcoming vacations.
I remember my parents figuring this out with their own parents, because it reached a point where one of them would inevitably start to "feel sick" like clockwork as the departure date approached.
It was a form of control. There was never a genuine emergency.
My mother in law, an only child who was a wonderful woman, caught onto her behavior and she didn’t tell her mother about her trips until the time of departure.
My husband’s grandmother was so awful that if she knew that my MIL had a lunch date with her friend she would try to sabotage it.
All of her schemes backfired because my MIL started telling her mom that she had dentist or doctor appointments instead of lunch dates out.
Her mom was jealous because she didn’t have any friends. She didn’t have friends because she was such a busybody!
Classic case of absolutely no planning being done on the parent's part.
If ur a son, not sure why Dad would think you could do anything for Mom. He can have the doctor order "in home" care. They, also, could evaluate the home and see if there was anything that could be used to make Dads care easier. Like a shower chair. A hand held shower head. Temporary bars in the tub. If Mom is going to have a bag, both he and Mom need to be trained in how to care for it.
You work hard. You and wife take that planned vacation. Dad will be OK. Would love to know what this relative is expected to do and if it is something that Dad could have done? Please update us.
If this is the case, there won't be any way to navigate this with him in an adult and mature way since he may not be able to use his emotional and executive cognitive skills like he hopefully did in the past. Now you may have a different problem: how to know what's actually going on with your Dad and whether he himself needs help as well.
Dad can hire a female aide to come ,
If Dad is the one in need of “ a wife” ,
he can hire a housekeeper .
Enjoy your trip . From now on don’t tell him when you are doing something fun. That tends to set off someone who is at the point they can’t do fun things. If you need to be vague you say “ I’m not available that week “. Or “ That’s not a good week for me to come down “.
Get them used to getting help from resources other than you. Do not prop up a false independence by doing for them. Let them see that they need help , you maybe getting closer to assisted living for Mom . You didn’t make them old , Dad is wanting you to fix their problems .
Just read your response to my first post to you.
What a joke, huh? That your dad would come back with the remark.
“I was working three jobs, but found the time to be with you, when you were out of town and in the hospital at age 13.”
First of all, it is wonderful that your dad was there for you when you were in the hospital. I will give him that, but you were a kid!
It was your dad’s responsibility to see that you were cared for properly.
So, is he keeping score now? Seriously? You don’t owe him anything for doing his job as a parent!
I don’t expect my kids to pay me back for being a parent. They didn’t ask to be born.
Your father isn’t thinking logically. It’s really hard to communicate with someone who is being irrational.
I’m sorry that he feels like you owe him. How sad for you and for him. You were treated like crap when you didn’t do anything wrong.
Now, he has to live with his bad behavior. That is, if he even recognizes that he was wrong.
The fact that he may cover his own butt by telling your mom that you won’t be there is pretty pathetic as well. Wow!
I respect people who ‘own it’ when they screw up. I won’t hold it against them if they sincerely apologize. If they try to blame me for it. Oh, no, that won’t fly with me.
When people don’t own their irrational behavior, plus they try to throw someone else under the bus for it, I lose all respect for them.
As I'm reading more, your dad sounds a lot like mine. He has also tried to control me since I was a child. For years I let him because I was afraid of him but now, I have to put myself and my daughter first. He does not even want me to work so that I can be his full time caregiver. He is now in a facility because that is where he needs to be. I agree with others who have told you not to tell him when you and your wife are going out of town. I started not telling my dad until the last minute because he would start talking about not feeling good and etc. Also, they will guilt trip you. It is HARD but you have to stand up for yourself. Do not waste a moment with your wife. If your mother needs a high level of care, she needs professionals.
Every once in a while, we get a poster who says, “Your parents took care of you when you were little. Now they need you to take care of them.”
Oh my gosh! There is a huge difference between caring for a child and caring for a parent.
Trust me. I know what I am talking about. I raised two children. I also took care of my parents, which was so much harder than raising my kids!
So many of us led with our hearts instead of our heads, not realizing how difficult caregiving would become as time went on.
Don’t ever feel like you owe your parents anything because they raised you.
I am so proud of you for not caving when your dad tried to lay a huge guilt trip on you. Bravo 👏! I am not worried about you!
You may need to vent. You might be concerned about how this will affect your relationship with your dad, but you have already shown your wife, all of us and yourself what you’re made of.
I am hoping that your dad will respect you for standing up for yourself and your wife.
You seem to be a kind person who cares about others, but you certainly aren’t a pushover. Your wife is a lucky woman. I have a feeling that she is very special in your life too.
Depending on the surgery and the care that she needs after it might be best if she stay a week or two in Assisted Living or even Long Term Care/ Skilled Nursing.
Or mom and dad hire caregivers that will come in and help when help is mostly needed. Probably morning and evening. (If you can get an agency to do a split shift.) Or hire someone for a day shift, come in in the morning then before they leave get mom ready for the evening just to make it easier for dad.
It is possible that he might not be able to care for her on his own at all and a move to Assisted Living might be the safest thing for her (and him as well)
My father tried to do the same when I was going on a trip...I got asked who I had scheduled to 'take care of him'. I told him it was not my responsibility.
Your parents chose to move away. It is even more shocking that they have a home in your area but did not choose to stay there when issues were surfacing.
I'm way older than he is. I take care of my husband, who has dementia, all of the housework, all buying of food and supplies online, all dealing with home repair issues (lots of which I can do myself), and hiring people to do what I can't (drywall repair). I do all the laundry and upkeep of cars. I would never expect my children to take care of me like he expects of you. Don't put up with it.
Maintain your independence. Once surrendered, it's almost impossible to regain.
Give a thought to dad if your mother should pass away. Where will he go, what will he do? Make sure he doesn't move in with you. Start thinking of alternatives NOW.
Check out our thread on the Drama Triangle;
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/the-karpman-drama-triangle-487086.htm
A Victim can look for a Rescuer, if met with refusal, may label the Bad Guy.
Believe me, you will have plenty of time going to spend time with Mom.
Take your trip. Let relatives come in and cover. Stand your ground with dad. It will be worth it in the long run...
(I'm good at advice but not that great at followiing my own advice, but I'm working on it and making progress! its not always easy standing up to dad. from your comments I think you and me share that vulnerability)
Reality is that the best you can do, is what seems best at the time. Commonsense has to come into all those difficult decisions. You ‘navigate it’ by saying ‘yes Dad’, and moving on.
Expect pushback no matter what you do. Even if you skipped your vacation, your dad will ask for more. Even the most experienced hospice nurse can’t predict the exact time someone is dying, although they can come pretty close sometimes. Your dad is scared and your parents’ world is shrinking. It’s an unrealistic expectation to demand that you be there at “the end” & it’s regrettable your father said he could never forgive. Having been through this with all 4 of my parents/in-laws passing , I will say that we humans seem to be really good at inflicting guilt on others and really bad at asking for assistance and bad at seeing how much others are sacrificing for us. There are so many ways we can be there for each other in dying and in living. We each just do our very best and I hope we can all come away with love in our hearts- for each other and ourselves.
Give yourself lots of grace. Peace to you on all of your life journeys.
Having aging parents is a marathon not a sprint.
If Dad owns two homes he can pay for in home caregivers to help with Mom.
It’s like he is miserable and wants me to be as well.
Don't put your life on hold for others or stop living to solve someone else's problem.