My wife and I have had a trip planned since January. My mom is in poor health and recently had bowel surgery. They live 5 states away. There was uncertainty around if the surgery would happen and that it would be risky. My dad asked me to come down there. I own my own business and because there was no certain timeline I said I would check my schedule. I was going to go but the issue was when. He said if something happened and I didn’t get to see her I would regret it forever and that he didn’t think he could forgive me. She went in for emergency surgery as her bowel ruptured. She pulled through and I flew down as soon as I could. She survived and I spent a few days with her while she was in the hospital. I went home and she went to rehab. She may be discharged from rehab soon but my Dad is unable to take care of her on his own. He asked me if I could come down there for a few weeks to help him. I told him that was my trip with my wife. He said, “Well, what’s more important?” I said, “Don’t put that on me.” He said, “Well, you gotta do what you gotta do and so do I.” As well, he will be provided with counsel and resources for her post rehab care. He also recently bought a home where I live but choose to live away half the year. He told me yesterday he is selling the house up here.
In both instances He contacted a relative who lives in my state and said they could be there and guilt tripped me with it. I don’t feel wrong on choosing to go on the trip with my wife. Just wondering how to navigate this with my dad.
My Dad admitted he was being selfish and that he was wrong to be so angry. He said it was tearing him apart to have this between us and that he was sorry.
He said he just wanted it to be done and water under the bridge.
I told him I did not like it either and That we are good but that we have some stuff to workout. We don’t have to talk about it now but there is some rebuilding we have to do in our relationship. Even as angry as I was I never stopped telling him I loved him but I get to set boundaries and I get to live my life and any help I decide to give has to be on my terms.
He thinks he may permanently move near me.
I believe he was sincere and that he is ashamed and wants things to be different.
I will make sure he realizes that things have to be different moving forward and over time we can figure that out as we heal.
I am guarded though. Not gonna act like it is all sunshine and rainbows. But for now I think we can at least continue to communicate and focus on the most important thing…what is best for my Mom.
I forgive him
I will not hold it over his head but I will remember so that if it happens again I will call him out on it and maintain firm boundaries.
My Dad called me today and apologized
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/updateon-what-do-you-think-post-488159.htm
The reality is Mom is HIS responsibility, not yours. Unless he's totally helpless, he needs to behave like a man, call and hire caregivers. Or calls her Doctor to order who he needs to help him out. He hires trained medical personnel, so his wife has the proper care. How can he expect his adult son to help play nursemaid? What medical experience do you have? Mom would be horrified.
I have Homecare nurses for a leg wound the last 6 months, and they are EXCELLENT. They text the night before with their arrival time. They make sure I get what I need, calm me down and give me strength. Exactly what Mom needs.
Then Dad orders groceries, has them delivered. Or gets her favorite takeout, calls a caterer, whatever. He hires a cleaning lady for the bedding and laundry. He supervises the hired crew on site, like he should. He makes sure things are handled correctly and efficiently. He obviously has the money, plus Doctor's orders are covered by Medicare. He should stop his whining and take care of business! His wife is depending on him for this! If you need to give Dad some tough love, then do it. When Mom was in labor and giving birth, did he run off? Sure it's scary stuff, exactly why you get pros to come in, that know what they are doing.
If he can handle the stress of buying a second house, spare me the guilt trips. Unless he's wheelchair bound or has Alzheimers, his job is to take care of his own wife, whatever it takes. Just like your job is to take care of YOUR wife. He needs to STEP UP and do his job as a husband, and get it all organized! Then he can WATCH AND LEARN.
You've done well not letting anyone work you over with the guilt-trip BS because that does not help anyone.
Most likely your father is afraid to have your mother at home alone with him if she needs care. So he wants you to handle it for him.
Of course this is understandable. Your father wants help but it must be on his terms or not at all. It work like that.
You're doing the right thing. You have a business to run and a life of your own. Remember, your father is the one who refuses to relocate to the home they own near you. That's not your fault. Offer to help them get set up with homecare for when your mother gets out of rehab. If he says no, that's on him not you.
Don't put your life on hold for others or stop living to solve someone else's problem.
Having aging parents is a marathon not a sprint.
If Dad owns two homes he can pay for in home caregivers to help with Mom.
It’s like he is miserable and wants me to be as well.
Expect pushback no matter what you do. Even if you skipped your vacation, your dad will ask for more. Even the most experienced hospice nurse can’t predict the exact time someone is dying, although they can come pretty close sometimes. Your dad is scared and your parents’ world is shrinking. It’s an unrealistic expectation to demand that you be there at “the end” & it’s regrettable your father said he could never forgive. Having been through this with all 4 of my parents/in-laws passing , I will say that we humans seem to be really good at inflicting guilt on others and really bad at asking for assistance and bad at seeing how much others are sacrificing for us. There are so many ways we can be there for each other in dying and in living. We each just do our very best and I hope we can all come away with love in our hearts- for each other and ourselves.
Give yourself lots of grace. Peace to you on all of your life journeys.
Reality is that the best you can do, is what seems best at the time. Commonsense has to come into all those difficult decisions. You ‘navigate it’ by saying ‘yes Dad’, and moving on.
Believe me, you will have plenty of time going to spend time with Mom.
Take your trip. Let relatives come in and cover. Stand your ground with dad. It will be worth it in the long run...
(I'm good at advice but not that great at followiing my own advice, but I'm working on it and making progress! its not always easy standing up to dad. from your comments I think you and me share that vulnerability)
Check out our thread on the Drama Triangle;
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/the-karpman-drama-triangle-487086.htm
A Victim can look for a Rescuer, if met with refusal, may label the Bad Guy.
I'm way older than he is. I take care of my husband, who has dementia, all of the housework, all buying of food and supplies online, all dealing with home repair issues (lots of which I can do myself), and hiring people to do what I can't (drywall repair). I do all the laundry and upkeep of cars. I would never expect my children to take care of me like he expects of you. Don't put up with it.
Maintain your independence. Once surrendered, it's almost impossible to regain.
Give a thought to dad if your mother should pass away. Where will he go, what will he do? Make sure he doesn't move in with you. Start thinking of alternatives NOW.
My father tried to do the same when I was going on a trip...I got asked who I had scheduled to 'take care of him'. I told him it was not my responsibility.
Your parents chose to move away. It is even more shocking that they have a home in your area but did not choose to stay there when issues were surfacing.
Depending on the surgery and the care that she needs after it might be best if she stay a week or two in Assisted Living or even Long Term Care/ Skilled Nursing.
Or mom and dad hire caregivers that will come in and help when help is mostly needed. Probably morning and evening. (If you can get an agency to do a split shift.) Or hire someone for a day shift, come in in the morning then before they leave get mom ready for the evening just to make it easier for dad.
It is possible that he might not be able to care for her on his own at all and a move to Assisted Living might be the safest thing for her (and him as well)
Every once in a while, we get a poster who says, “Your parents took care of you when you were little. Now they need you to take care of them.”
Oh my gosh! There is a huge difference between caring for a child and caring for a parent.
Trust me. I know what I am talking about. I raised two children. I also took care of my parents, which was so much harder than raising my kids!
So many of us led with our hearts instead of our heads, not realizing how difficult caregiving would become as time went on.
Don’t ever feel like you owe your parents anything because they raised you.
I am so proud of you for not caving when your dad tried to lay a huge guilt trip on you. Bravo 👏! I am not worried about you!
You may need to vent. You might be concerned about how this will affect your relationship with your dad, but you have already shown your wife, all of us and yourself what you’re made of.
I am hoping that your dad will respect you for standing up for yourself and your wife.
You seem to be a kind person who cares about others, but you certainly aren’t a pushover. Your wife is a lucky woman. I have a feeling that she is very special in your life too.
As I'm reading more, your dad sounds a lot like mine. He has also tried to control me since I was a child. For years I let him because I was afraid of him but now, I have to put myself and my daughter first. He does not even want me to work so that I can be his full time caregiver. He is now in a facility because that is where he needs to be. I agree with others who have told you not to tell him when you and your wife are going out of town. I started not telling my dad until the last minute because he would start talking about not feeling good and etc. Also, they will guilt trip you. It is HARD but you have to stand up for yourself. Do not waste a moment with your wife. If your mother needs a high level of care, she needs professionals.
Just read your response to my first post to you.
What a joke, huh? That your dad would come back with the remark.
“I was working three jobs, but found the time to be with you, when you were out of town and in the hospital at age 13.”
First of all, it is wonderful that your dad was there for you when you were in the hospital. I will give him that, but you were a kid!
It was your dad’s responsibility to see that you were cared for properly.
So, is he keeping score now? Seriously? You don’t owe him anything for doing his job as a parent!
I don’t expect my kids to pay me back for being a parent. They didn’t ask to be born.
Your father isn’t thinking logically. It’s really hard to communicate with someone who is being irrational.
I’m sorry that he feels like you owe him. How sad for you and for him. You were treated like crap when you didn’t do anything wrong.
Now, he has to live with his bad behavior. That is, if he even recognizes that he was wrong.
The fact that he may cover his own butt by telling your mom that you won’t be there is pretty pathetic as well. Wow!
I respect people who ‘own it’ when they screw up. I won’t hold it against them if they sincerely apologize. If they try to blame me for it. Oh, no, that won’t fly with me.
When people don’t own their irrational behavior, plus they try to throw someone else under the bus for it, I lose all respect for them.
Dad can hire a female aide to come ,
If Dad is the one in need of “ a wife” ,
he can hire a housekeeper .
Enjoy your trip . From now on don’t tell him when you are doing something fun. That tends to set off someone who is at the point they can’t do fun things. If you need to be vague you say “ I’m not available that week “. Or “ That’s not a good week for me to come down “.
Get them used to getting help from resources other than you. Do not prop up a false independence by doing for them. Let them see that they need help , you maybe getting closer to assisted living for Mom . You didn’t make them old , Dad is wanting you to fix their problems .
If this is the case, there won't be any way to navigate this with him in an adult and mature way since he may not be able to use his emotional and executive cognitive skills like he hopefully did in the past. Now you may have a different problem: how to know what's actually going on with your Dad and whether he himself needs help as well.
If ur a son, not sure why Dad would think you could do anything for Mom. He can have the doctor order "in home" care. They, also, could evaluate the home and see if there was anything that could be used to make Dads care easier. Like a shower chair. A hand held shower head. Temporary bars in the tub. If Mom is going to have a bag, both he and Mom need to be trained in how to care for it.
You work hard. You and wife take that planned vacation. Dad will be OK. Would love to know what this relative is expected to do and if it is something that Dad could have done? Please update us.
Classic case of absolutely no planning being done on the parent's part.
In the future, don't share details with your dad about upcoming vacations.
I remember my parents figuring this out with their own parents, because it reached a point where one of them would inevitably start to "feel sick" like clockwork as the departure date approached.
It was a form of control. There was never a genuine emergency.
My mother in law, an only child who was a wonderful woman, caught onto her behavior and she didn’t tell her mother about her trips until the time of departure.
My husband’s grandmother was so awful that if she knew that my MIL had a lunch date with her friend she would try to sabotage it.
All of her schemes backfired because my MIL started telling her mom that she had dentist or doctor appointments instead of lunch dates out.
Her mom was jealous because she didn’t have any friends. She didn’t have friends because she was such a busybody!
What a wise, kind and loving father! Right?
I can’t remember which poster said this but I was so impressed with her dad.