My wife and I have had a trip planned since January. My mom is in poor health and recently had bowel surgery. They live 5 states away. There was uncertainty around if the surgery would happen and that it would be risky. My dad asked me to come down there. I own my own business and because there was no certain timeline I said I would check my schedule. I was going to go but the issue was when. He said if something happened and I didn’t get to see her I would regret it forever and that he didn’t think he could forgive me. She went in for emergency surgery as her bowel ruptured. She pulled through and I flew down as soon as I could. She survived and I spent a few days with her while she was in the hospital. I went home and she went to rehab. She may be discharged from rehab soon but my Dad is unable to take care of her on his own. He asked me if I could come down there for a few weeks to help him. I told him that was my trip with my wife. He said, “Well, what’s more important?” I said, “Don’t put that on me.” He said, “Well, you gotta do what you gotta do and so do I.” As well, he will be provided with counsel and resources for her post rehab care. He also recently bought a home where I live but choose to live away half the year. He told me yesterday he is selling the house up here.
In both instances He contacted a relative who lives in my state and said they could be there and guilt tripped me with it. I don’t feel wrong on choosing to go on the trip with my wife. Just wondering how to navigate this with my dad.
You've done well not letting anyone work you over with the guilt-trip BS because that does not help anyone.
Most likely your father is afraid to have your mother at home alone with him if she needs care. So he wants you to handle it for him.
Of course this is understandable. Your father wants help but it must be on his terms or not at all. It work like that.
You're doing the right thing. You have a business to run and a life of your own. Remember, your father is the one who refuses to relocate to the home they own near you. That's not your fault. Offer to help them get set up with homecare for when your mother gets out of rehab. If he says no, that's on him not you.
The reality is Mom is HIS responsibility, not yours. Unless he's totally helpless, he needs to behave like a man, call and hire caregivers. Or calls her Doctor to order who he needs to help him out. He hires trained medical personnel, so his wife has the proper care. How can he expect his adult son to help play nursemaid? What medical experience do you have? Mom would be horrified.
I have Homecare nurses for a leg wound the last 6 months, and they are EXCELLENT. They text the night before with their arrival time. They make sure I get what I need, calm me down and give me strength. Exactly what Mom needs.
Then Dad orders groceries, has them delivered. Or gets her favorite takeout, calls a caterer, whatever. He hires a cleaning lady for the bedding and laundry. He supervises the hired crew on site, like he should. He makes sure things are handled correctly and efficiently. He obviously has the money, plus Doctor's orders are covered by Medicare. He should stop his whining and take care of business! His wife is depending on him for this! If you need to give Dad some tough love, then do it. When Mom was in labor and giving birth, did he run off? Sure it's scary stuff, exactly why you get pros to come in, that know what they are doing.
If he can handle the stress of buying a second house, spare me the guilt trips. Unless he's wheelchair bound or has Alzheimers, his job is to take care of his own wife, whatever it takes. Just like your job is to take care of YOUR wife. He needs to STEP UP and do his job as a husband, and get it all organized! Then he can WATCH AND LEARN.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/updateon-what-do-you-think-post-488159.htm
My Dad called me today and apologized
My Dad admitted he was being selfish and that he was wrong to be so angry. He said it was tearing him apart to have this between us and that he was sorry.
He said he just wanted it to be done and water under the bridge.
I told him I did not like it either and That we are good but that we have some stuff to workout. We don’t have to talk about it now but there is some rebuilding we have to do in our relationship. Even as angry as I was I never stopped telling him I loved him but I get to set boundaries and I get to live my life and any help I decide to give has to be on my terms.
He thinks he may permanently move near me.
I believe he was sincere and that he is ashamed and wants things to be different.
I will make sure he realizes that things have to be different moving forward and over time we can figure that out as we heal.
I am guarded though. Not gonna act like it is all sunshine and rainbows. But for now I think we can at least continue to communicate and focus on the most important thing…what is best for my Mom.
I forgive him
I will not hold it over his head but I will remember so that if it happens again I will call him out on it and maintain firm boundaries.