I would really like some feedback on this question.
Why is it that the adult child who grew up being the scapegoat and whipping post for their parents in the family unit, is the one who gets the job of being caregiver to the abusive elderly parent put on them?
It seems like a cruel irony to me that the adult child who gets treated the worst, gaslighted pretty much since they were toddlers, and downright bullied in their own family is the one who almost always has to "step up" and become the caregiver to the mom or dad who always hated them.
What a situation to find yourself in. To be expected to have an endless supply of love, patience, kindness, and compassion for a person who had absolutely none for you at any time in your life.
Is it unfair to believe that an elderly person should not expect more from their adult children then they were ever willing to give? Or ever did give? I don't think it is. Thanks for listening. I just needed to vent for a minute.
Here is a quote that may help you today:
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but just a reminder that calls to ‘be kind’ to someone who has abused you is a gaslighting tactic. It furthers the idea that the abuser is deserving of considerations that his or her victims are not.
~Meg Pillow’s Doppelfanger on Instagram
I think an abusive elder WILL expect the moon from anyone & everyone they can. It's up to YOU how much YOU are willing to give.
Please remember that YOU are important. YOU count. YOU are a valuable human being and a child of God. YOU matter. Take care of YOU today because you deserve to.
I no longer expect to earn her love, but still act more out of guilt and fear of what others will think if they find out that I really wish my mum hadn't moved to just down the road from us (her idea, not ours)!
My husband is much 'kinder' to my mother than I am because she favours (i.e. relies on) him and he wasn't brought up to doubt his own value or whether he was loved, as I was. This caused a great deal of friction between us before lockdown, but it seems he is less willing to be her errand boy now after eight months off!
I am a Christian and it can sometimes make the dilemma worse, as you can be led to feel you are bad for not 'laying down your life' for your parent. But that is a misreading of scripture, I think. I too have had counselling this year and it is helping, but it will take ages to undo the erosion of my identity over 50+ years and I doubt I shall ever be truly free till my mother passes.
Christianity doesn’t mean that we forego our common sense!
If a person succumbs to believing that all Christians should be martyrs they are sadly mistaken!
You are an intelligent Christian! Good for you!
Wishing you all the best in life.
Take care.
And I am so grateful for this forum where we have the space to speak freely and find compassion. Thank you all!
Take care, Tempestdelfuego.
Original poster: please escape as soon as you can.
At least caring for Mom and becoming that unloved child again has made me see how things developed as they did and I can start healing myself. I am learning not to react to the manipulation, when it is just kinder on myself to give in, and how to pick those battles! I committed myself, knowing I would learn about myself. No coercion or expectations from siblings who are also aware and healing, so no one to blame (not even me!)
I am hoping Working on learning to never get myself into an abusive relationship again.
I hope, if this is you, that you will say a resounding "NO" to what you do not want to do, and a yes to what you are willing to do OF YOUR CHOICE AND WITH LOVE.
The SG child is often blindsided when the abuse continues and feels they have no option but to continue to provide care. The other children in the family who all along benefited from the SG being the parents' target are reluctant to provide any help, because they have become adept at blaming the SG for the parents bad behaviour and they do not want to become the target of abuse.
At least this is how it has played out in my family. Except I got therapy, set boundaries and refuse to take any more abuse from either of them. My brother the Golden Child, bought into me being the Problem Child and it has impacted our relationship too.
If people find support from objective caring individuals, participate in therapy and has time away from the harmful people in their lives, they can learn to break cycles.
Basically you have two choices.
Option 1: You can walk away. Let everything hit the floor. Your siblings will step in or the state will step in when it gets bad enough. Option 2: Take the high road and make arrangements to place your parent in a clean safe assisted living facility or long term care facility...whichever one they need. You can manage their care without having to get too emotionally involved. Make decisions when they need made, pay the bills, etc. If your extended family start offering their unsolicited advice, and trust me they will, just tell them you are more than willing to step back and let them do it. That's all you need to say. Don't debate anything.
You are an adult and you are in charge of your life.
I think it is because we always think If I just do this, or that, they will love me. People have a great need to be loved by their parents. I did, not that it did me any good. As my mother said, "I never cared about you. I never cared if you had food or clothes, I just didn't care."
I had about 6 years of therapy, it helped a lot. I saw to her care, never with me again. My brother (the Golden Child) would see her about once a year. Before I sought help, my husband had her come live with us in a Granny apartment downstairs. It helped break up our marriage. After awhile, I could stand to touch her, To the day she died at almost 95, I could not stand for her to touch me.
I highly recommend therapy, not so called "Christian" type, but someone who can really help you get a backbone.
Thanks for sharing this painful and intimate information.
I also got to the point of saying, ‘I can no longer do this!’ My mother always favored my brothers over me.
I also sought out therapy. It definitely helps.
You are correct. It should be a ‘professional’ therapist, not religious counseling. There are a million differing religious opinions!
Christianity has nothing to do with good therapy.
A person has the right to be a believer or not believe in anything, but it doesn’t have to be an essential part of therapy. It can be left out of therapy all together unless the person seeking therapy wants to discuss religion.
It is important to meet a person where they are. It is offensive and futile to push Christian views down someone’s throat if that person is not a Christian, or they do not believe in ultra conservative religious views. That is NOT the role of a therapist and no therapist worth his/her salt would ever do such a thing.
I think the answer to your question is that they molded you with their abuse. Maybe you are very compassionate, but in their eyes they see compassion, empathy and sensitivity as weakness. Until they got sick. Then your gifts of compassion and empathy are used against you by expecting you to be the caregiver.
My advice. Go live the life you want and deserve. If you want to care for them, do so. If not, don't. They made their bed by destroying you with blame, accusations, and gaslighting. You don't owe them anything. You paid your dues with the affect their abuse has had on you. You paid with your happiness and sanity. Buy an RV, grab a dog, and hit the road. Travel, meet people, create your bliss. Call them on holidays and if they try to guilt you, tell them "Oh...let me call you back. Someones at the door or I have another call". Hang up and call a month later.
I'll go with you bc I have had it. LOL. Kidding. My Dad passed and my brothers don't care about me so I'm grieving the loss of my life and my family. Trying to find treatment so I can live. Than I will be carefree again, I pray.
I wish you happiness and joy!! You deserve it!!
Wishing you all the best in life. You deserve it.
You are kind and compassionate. Your brothers sound very much like my brothers. I sought out therapy to help me heal from a lifetime of pain in my family and chose to go ‘no contact’ with my brothers. It is the right choice for me.
I love your response to this question. Keep sharing your wisdom!
Take care, dear lady.
you with it for the duration. Once you make the commitment, you won’t get a reprieve unless you actively refuse to do it any longer and/or take steps to rid yourself of the parent any way you can. I’ve seen dozens of posts on this forum urging caregivers, without compunction, to do exactly that.
You need to tell your relatives NOW that you have no intention of taking care of your abusive parent and walk away. Get counseling, if necessary, to make the decision stick and communicate it to your siblings and other potential caregiver relatives. Because of your history and your current attitude, you are at higher risk of becoming an abuser yourself. Do not put yourself in that position by attempting to care for an elder you may resent or actually despise. Being a caregiver is hard enough for folks who love their parent(s); it’s almost impossible if you know your parent is going to continue a pattern of abuse while progressing daily to a more and more dependent and vulnerable state. For your sake snd the sake of your parent, make it clear that you are not going to do it. Even so, you must be prepared for the consequences when you do.
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