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I would really like some feedback on this question.


Why is it that the adult child who grew up being the scapegoat and whipping post for their parents in the family unit, is the one who gets the job of being caregiver to the abusive elderly parent put on them?


It seems like a cruel irony to me that the adult child who gets treated the worst, gaslighted pretty much since they were toddlers, and downright bullied in their own family is the one who almost always has to "step up" and become the caregiver to the mom or dad who always hated them.


What a situation to find yourself in. To be expected to have an endless supply of love, patience, kindness, and compassion for a person who had absolutely none for you at any time in your life.


Is it unfair to believe that an elderly person should not expect more from their adult children then they were ever willing to give? Or ever did give? I don't think it is. Thanks for listening. I just needed to vent for a minute.

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Mee too my friend ❤️ I take care of my malignant narsisist of a mother 24/7. I have three sisters none are involved 😔 Her favorite ( my ex-sister) who never visits, has stolen from her bank account and med supplies in the past is her favorite "go to" for lieing for attention and back talking although I cut her out of my life and literally never see hear or speak to her my mother likes to initiate her violent behavior by lieing about anything ( including me)to get her to visit ( which doesn't happen I just get hate bombed), Ive seen my mothers back end so many times I feel i will NEVER do the sex again 😬 (I work in the healthcare field bodies and their functions do not phase me) cleaning someone, dumping bedside commode buckets and then being critiqued, lied to, manipulated and harassed at all hours of the day and night will kill anyone's mojo ( i had to move my RV onto her driveway to care for her so im not far) I receive hateful texts at all hours of the day and night from both my mother and ex sis whom I have not blocked becouse I am collecting texts to protect myself. 😔 Take care of your heart my friend ❤️ Rant Signed, Approved and Delivered 🤗❤️ Hang in there my friend
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CTTN55 Jul 2021
Why are you taking care of her?
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I'm sorry you are going through this. It hurts. You are not alone in feeling this way. Nobody likes being the person who is willing to roll up their sleeves and getting crap kicked in your face for doing that. My mom has not always been this way but I'm convinced she has some kind of mental illness due to stress that has given some kind of personality disorder.

I am experiencing the scapegoat right now. I posted last week - I spent the weekend with my parents. My mom the caregiver, has been depressed and angry for months and is keeping it all in. My dad is cognitively all right but medically frail - still ambulatory though, just very slow. Dad and I spent time away from the house together, running errands and going for drives because my mom wanted time alone in the house. I understood this - she needed a break. We thought we were doing what she wanted. However, Sunday night she blew up. She blew up because you know why? We enjoyed ourselves. We weren't miserable like she is.

Mom is miserable and angry because she has hated being in her marriage for years. She has vented to me about my dad for years. My dad defends her behavior. He never has a bad thing to say about her.

Mom said awful things to me this weekend and accused me of things she has made up in her head. She told dad she wants a divorce and that they have nothing in common and that it's my turn to take care of my dad. She said things about my dad that no kid should have to listen to one parent say about the other. I don't care how old you are - you never want to be in the middle of this.

I have been fact-finding this week about resources for my dad to get him out of the house without help from my mom (because she said it was our responsibility to do that and she didn't want to hear any of it). I spoke with a wonderful social worker who spent 40 minutes on the phone with me at no charge. I outlined all the options in an e-mail to my dad. Apparently Dad showed mom the email and she went ballistic. I believe it can be said that Mom is being emotionally abusive to dad. She will not speak to me now, she has made up her mind that I am some kind of villain. Dad called me today and was fighting back tears. That is not my dad. He was feeling badly for involving me in this. My heart was breaking. I told him to call me WHENEVER and I will keep checking in with him. He is going to take a cab to the senior center 2 days a week and try to stay there the whole day to stay out of her way for now. He is not interested in any of the classes except for some of the card games. He doesn't even want to go there but knows he needs to get away from her so that she can calm down.

What a nightmare.
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I’ve read that scapegoats tend to be sensitive, caring & loving. My family is EXTREMELY dysfunctional. I’m the black sheep/scapegoat. Best thing I’ve done is set up & maintain strict boundaries w parents & siblings.
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bundleofjoy Jul 2021
hugs!

you wrote:
“I’ve read that scapegoats tend to be sensitive, caring & loving.”

scapegoats, by definition, are also the ones taken advantage of/mistreated.

hence sometimes: siblings take advantage, dump all the caring of the parents, on the scapegoat. the scapegoat continues to be the scapegoat.

wishing us all to find good solutions!!

hugs!!
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Honestly no. That's not true in both my experience and wide knowledge. It's talked about everywhere, how the children treated worse caregive, but it's the usual dysfunctional family distorting the facts (for example, goldens claiming to be scapegoats like my sister who is now NPD, scapegoats gaslighted to the point they themselves believe they didn't suffer that much, like me) and the fools believing it, spreading it like a matter of fact, bc the narcissists said so. Hello, Narcs never tell the truth. That's not the truth.
The fixed scapegoats don't do that caregiving. It's my experience of having both dynasties of my parents VERY high in narcissism and seeing probably more than two person's share of narcissistic family dynamics closely. I witnessed and lived the stories you only hear about, as a scapegoat who knew what was up within the walls and didn't play along.
We are all responsible in the justice of the world, and like most scapegoats I am concerned with justice. We think that we shouldn't enable evil by "doing good to our abusers" "forgiving our enemies". Most scapegoats are concerned with protecting the innocent and weak, we see the enemy we let off the hook harm a weak innocent person, we don't do that anymore. That's why we don't give care to our abusers.
We get called selfish, ungrateful and heartless for "neglecting" our parent and the covert narc 2nd degree golden who got slight hits in the once-in-a-decade role switches rises to the "She suffered so much and she is caregiving." status in the narcissistic family's eyes, to keep the care going, bc fluffing their ego is how you get a narcissist to take care of a person, and how you protect the narrative. Not the truth.
What is happening there is, the golden, that is barely sort of caregiving now, is idealized and told as she was the scapegoat who went through so much (mostly lies and over the top exaggerations) yet still cares more than the real scapegoat who is narrated as the golden (lies). This does two things for the narcissistic family:
They avoid feeling bad about themselves.
The scapegoat carries the character flaws, blame and shame.
The 1st degree goldens avoid caregiving.
The elder Narcs are taken care of (generally just enough so they don't die.)
The caregiving golden is getting sympathy and sometimes money out of it, while looking like a good person.
In my experience with two narcissistic dynasties full of clinical narcissists, the scapegoat is indeed EXPECTED and TOLD to do that, doesn't do that, then BLAMED and SHAMED for that. Which, to outsiders, proves the scapegoats' smeared image, which is based on lies anyway.
The plot twist is, goldens (that you think as scapegoats who ended up caring the most bc you believe everything you hear) don't care appropriately, they treat the elder Narcs like burdens, use their sickness as attention bait from outsiders, scapegoat the elderly now and then, have fights trying to pass the "ball" to other goldens. Long story short, the Narcs finally get to experience what the scapegoat felt as a child; neglect, abuse, rejection, blame, shame. Karma, you reap what you sow. As above, so below... Whatever you call it, narcissists don't have a blissful old age.
My malignant NPD mom who tried to murder me twice along with the decades of horrific abuse, neglect, scapegoating, gaslighting, isolation etc, recently had a heart attack and they asked for my help, flying monkeys used nostalgia to raise hope in me that I tried to so hard to kill. Can you believe that? Ofc I rejected. I said, like every scapegoat within the dynasties did while their parents asked for help, I have no heart to give to heartless people.
Now she posts FB posts about ungrateful children who were cared so much for and their poor elder parents who weren't taken care of, isn't it funny?
Watch them as they soon assign one of my golden NPD sisters who is the most useful in this process as "She went through so much yet despite that takes care of us now."
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Pepperpup Jun 2021
Your story is so interesting to me because it's the reverse of mine. I'm the "scapegoat" who is caring for elderly narc mom. And the "golden child" is free to have a semi-blissful life with her partner/ mostly free of caregiving duties. She does help me out now and then. But she is the narcissist, not me. She has a martyr complex for the one day a week she helps me. I don't know what planet she is living on because the last time I checked, I am the one who is here 24/7 6 days a week. It's horrifying - the gas-lighting, shaming, and constant lies. So a sister and a mom who are narcissist and myself, who is just basically, at this point, burned out - but persisting. It's quite sad - but it is what it is. I know that some day - when I've passed on - this will make sense to me. I think some of us are here to transmute and heal family evil. I think of myself that way. It's the only way I can soothe the pain of having grown up in an abusive family that truly put me in a scapegoat role. Easy target - youngest child, most sensitive, most outspoken. You sound like you suffered terribly in your family. I do hope you are now surrounding yourself with people who are worthy of your friendship to them: people who value you for you - not for what they can get from you.
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I was the family scape goat, and I still am to my grown adult sister. She will dream or makeup things that I allegedly did in the past and expect me to take the blame, make amends and accept whatever she wants to pin on me. When I point out logically that some of these things never occurred or couldn’t be real, she gets mad throws a fit and then wonders why I won’t take her blaming me.
I’m in my 50’s and taking care of my mother who is 87. Guess who gets all the blame/shame/guilt/drama/trauma from my mother….. Why me of course. I set limits with my mother and try my best not to wear the “Hair coat” of shame that comes with it, but it’s hard.
When I was a child everything was my fault, always. When I finally left home to attend college (my parents expected me to) I finally could breathe. I found that since I was no longer being blamed for everything I actually had a personality and I was a real person. Within 6 months of being in college both of my parents asked me “When are you coming home again” When I finally got out of college they wanted to know “are you ever going to move back home”. I assumed primary care for my mother in 2011. She asks me weekly “when are you ever going to retire? ”
Besides setting limits and being blunt about what you can do for your elderly parents, the best thing t you can do is to stand up for yourself. Until they die, you will always and forever be the scape goat to them.
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Dear BurntCaregiver,

(((hugs)))) I hear you. For myself, I was the oldest and in our culture that came with a lot of responsibilities. I was a desperate pleaser and wanted so much for my parents to "see" me. Yet I was treated like the scapegoat and everything was my fault. My parents allowed my siblings to treat me poorly.

Even as an adult, I failed to stand up for myself. Even now, I'm still the one feeling hurt and being told I am too sensitive. I feel like I could drop off the face of the earth and they wouldn't even care.

I have to agree with the others. And we have to step away and make different choices. No one should one should have to put up with abuse.
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Tribe16 Jun 2021
My mom has told me "I'm too sensitive" my whole life, usually after she's said something really unkind. You know when that is said, it's just a way to deflect their own bad behavior, right? I learned to embrace my sensitivity. I'm really good at reading people (normal people, not crazy people LOL), knowing where to jump in or back off; beautiful music makes me cry; I'm pretty intuitive. I wish all the people who have been told "You're too sensitive" could realize it was never really about them, but about the person who said it, that can't bear to be in the wrong.
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Do you know for a fact that this is mostly true? I can see it in some cases, but logically it's the duty of whoever's physically closest to their parents.

I do agree about scapegoating in general, to maintain old comfort zones. You find out that people often don't get nicer as they age.

Dementia-related confabulation can create unfair reputations among caregivers. Other family members may refuse to understand what a parent puts the scapegoat through, then a resentment cycle builds. You can end up helping someone who's barely grateful while dealing with siblings mostly concerned about their own free time.

And if it spills into misinformed impressions given to neighbors and friends, it gets even more irritating. Firsthand knowledge here!
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Pepperpup Jun 2021
Yep, I hear you about "misinformed impressions given to neighbors and friends": Dear me, I remember when my mother was having a serious episode of dementia and called everyone in my small town in the NE, and told each one, "GET MY DAUGHTER OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!" and I could never unlive the mortification I felt around town after that. (did I say, it's a small small teeny tiny town?). . And, you must forgive your loved-one who has slandered you. There is no way out of that. My mother was always the innocent one due to her frailty. So, yes, I can sympathize with that. It sucks so much to be in a position where your name can likely be mud around town, in the family, wherever the lies were spread by a narcissistic sibling or a mother with dementia (who is also narcissistic). We must, each one of us, have some incredible inner strength that the others know we possess and secretly envy.
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Omg! Me too. The things I want to tell my mom that are her twisted memories/fantasies/lies. The gossiping about me she still does when she dosen't think I'm listening. I feel every word of what you're saying
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I told my sister the other day I understand why some folk become 'the black sheep' now. Those that won't follow the family 'code' & are thought weird, strange or uncaring instead. (BTW I hope that term is not offensive, is there a better one?).

I'd rather be an odd sheep than a doormat.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
I feel the same way as you do on this topic!
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If a child was not treated with love and kindness, why on earth should they show any love and kindness for their parents who did not provide it. To do so is insane. YOU must immediately STOP BEING THE SCAPEGOAT. You were are are being taken advantage of because you are seen as weak. The time is now - stop doing this at once and make plans to get the responsibility for these people off YOUR shoulders. You owe them nothing. Find a way to place them but not in your personal home. It is never to late to wake up and be smart. I know - I did it but it took me far too long.
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Scapegoat111 May 2021
To write this is more insane but here you are, you did it. Why would someone write it? YOU MUST IMMEDIATELY STOP BEING UNEMPATHETIC! Find a way to develop some consideration and understanding. The time is now- make some plans to take responsibility of abuse OFF of scapegoats' shoulders. You owe them an apology.
Not being a servant doesn't stop scapegoating. And I wonder why would a scapegoat assume other scapegoats don't defend themselves, and love is something you show; not feel. Are you another 2.nd golden turned cov narc who thinks she wasn't loved enough, perhaps? Rarely if ever do I see true scapegoats getting the perspective of the Narc better than the scapegoat's.
Scapegoats can't stop scapegoating bc they didn't start it.
I, or any scapegoat in that matter, wasn't made a scapegoat bc I was seen as weak, I was seen as a threat to the egos of my narcissistic parents, one bc I was prettier, one bc I was smarter, and both bc I was mentally strong, secure, capable of loving and being loved, but they weren't. Narcs don't target who they see as the weak, as a Narc, do you? They go for the ones better than them and find any opening in their psyche to destroy, to see themselves as the best again.
Their boiling envy won't end with me being smart and strong, if anything, it will get worse. I can't change these things about me -being gifted and attractive, having capacity for loving relationships- and they won't stop being narcissistic, they can't stop seeing me as a scapegoat.
I know - I stopped serving and even with no contact I'm still the bad, sick, crazy, cause of all problems; the scapegoat. I can't stop that by simply stopping serving them.
Even the fact that I don't give care is used as proof of my innate badness inside the family. Like my aunt's and uncle's have the same happening to them.
You can't stop being a scapegoat. Accepting that fact is "smarter" and "stronger" than seeing it as sth you can do. You can only change how you treat others, you can't change how others treat you. Hard pill to swallow, but blaming yourself for how mentally ill others treat you isn't the same as responsibility taking.
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Your abuse as a child will never go away. Even if you have forgiven them and it does not sound like you have. You do not indicate you have a caregiver mentality.
Your mind that was damaged by your parent will always be there. The duration of your "care" for your abusive parent.....you will gradually lose patence. That results in frustration that will increase and you will abuse your parents in suttle ways and that will become serious for them and for you, as time goes on. You obviously need to place them or it will disrupt all areas of your life. Your childhood abuse has permanently changed your relationship with your parents. As a adult it has not gone away.
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I was rudely told by my brother that doing my mom's Christmas shopping and wrapping was "the least I could do" for her. He, who gave her a lot of grief growing up and "borrowed" money from her in large amounts for years, besides being given a $35,000 vehicle, felt the need to tell me that. I paid her to take care of my son when I worked, went to mow her lawn and take her trash out weekly after my stepfather passed, took her to medical appointments and shopping, looked after her finances and made sure her bills were paid, and had her living with me for 5 years. But it is the "least I can do."
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Mysteryshopper Dec 2020
That "least I can do" comment is so hurtful. I am so sorry that your brother tossed that at you. People like that sometimes don't even remember they said it!! I've heard it too, along with "I don't like what I'm seeing. Mildred deserves better" and "Mildred is going to be bedridden if you don't do right by her." I was killing myself taking care of 'Mildred' as an unpaid volunteer but the onlookers figured they would get all they could get from me before I fell over dead from exhaustion and stress. This was all along with people telling me I'd have "more time" for xyz if I got my priorities together (i.e. "Just do it my way and you'll be fine.") So sad.
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Dear Burnt,
Where were you when I was growing up in a very similar family situation? We could have supported one another! Now that my family are all gone I am actually living life without the dysfunctional drama. It's rather peaceful, though at times very sad during Holidays. I'm getting to know myself and working on projects and fun I never had time for.
Alanon principals seem to help penetrate the lifelong abusive cycle. I'm walking cautiously and self protectively. Anyone too familiar I walk away from. I never liked the saying " there are no victims, only volunteers" so I notice I'm saying 'let me check my life/appointment calendar first.'
Mom's death was difficult. She was a tormented soul. Took care if her 24/7 for 6 years...dementia. I finally forgave her on her deathbed. Her last words, " I failed you." I am free now, no guilt.
Hoping something resonates.
There is life after it's over....
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As the family scapegoat myself I think it has something to do with us accepting it and not having any boundaries. Yes, we also were conditioned in childhood to see that making sacrifices for the family was the way we could receive some momentary responses that resembled acceptance from family members. Most of us usually just keep doing it into adulthood, and others feel entitled to remain removed from it all. You do not have to keep doing it though and can stop at any time.
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I have the same feelings about caring for my mother too. It is so hard to forget the crap we had to grow up with and now....none of the others help. I am expected to take the load. I am trying to TODAY remove myself as POA and sump it on them
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
Go for it! Wishing you all the best. Hugs!
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I'm at a great loss for you about being the at whipping post,. What I did was hit the ground running and never looked back, my be harsh and I'm still at the post . good luck.
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I have given up being perfect. I focus on healing myself and keep work on boundaries. Realizing it is normally a generational problem.
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Same here,I just think of it as carma and keep my chin up and keep moving forward and doing the best that we can no matter what , when it's all said and done you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of you ,. Prayers for you.
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It probably has more to do with you taking on the role. Those who feel like they were not treated well by family tend to spend much of their life doing many things for them hoping for that one moment of approval and praise.

Some may eventually apologize for past behavior towards the 'scapegoat', as you call it. Others have been doing it for so long they don't even realize the things they have said and done had long lasting effects. It's also possible, these same people were just as nasty to others but you failed to see it through your own pains.

If the parent still has a good mind, speak up the very next time something mean comes up. Be very specific - do you have any idea how bad that comment makes me feel? All of my life, I have felt pain from your words. YET, here I am taking care of your every need. Do you want to continue to have my help? Then I would like your help by being nicer to me.
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You surely strike all the right chords with me, like you already. Be safe!
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Burntcaregiver: I am so sorry that you're going through this. Prayers sent.
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At this point Burnt, I see 48 responses. I love this forum. At 65+ (and just on the other side of my 'primary caregiver' role), my studied conclusion is that the others were NEVER as strong emotionally or spiritually as I was or am--which I think is probably why they didn't ever like me, were threatened by me, resented me, were afraid of me--made me the 'SCAPEGOAT'. This was understood at a basic 'pack' level all along, it's a human being phenomena. Yeah, it's 'unfair'---but part of our goodness AND strength is that we are forced to come to terms with such a concept of 'fairness', and find serenity in, our better, blessed natures. As time goes on, awareness of and gratitude for my strength becomes more assured, solidified. I'm no longer involved, and the situation with the three parties (mom and my 2 sisters) has sadly only continually devolved since I finally gave 30 days notice and left after 5 years. A handful of close, trusted, respected friends and advisors (spiritual and a gifted therapist) lovingly nudged me along those 5 years. Acceptance with dignity and grace of the reality of 'no satisfaction' has been my key. Love and prayers.
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marymary2 Dec 2020
Exactly. Wishing you and all of us well
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This is soo true and I can relate to first-hand experience. I’m a firm believer in karma and good things will come your way taking the higher road. You got this!
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I have not read other responses but I will give you my feelings. As a child it is hard to stand up or speak up to a parent but as we become adults it is up to us to stand up for ourselves and speak up. Of course by that time an adult child has been led to believe they have no choice or deserve it. You don’t! As an adult, one should not allow anyone to mistreat us or take advantage of us.

Of course taking care of a parent or spouse is not always easy through their senior years or illnesses. Often times things are said or done that can make the caregiver feel hurt but the caregiver needs to take in consideration this might be because of their dementia, etc.

If a person who is in the position of being the caregiver, no matter how that has happened, feels they can not, for what ever reason, care for the person with great care they need to seek other help for the person. There are many services that can help with that. They can advise what ever is best in the situation.

Just remember we can not be taken advantage of unless we allow it.
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Not just parents but the younger sibling who didn't like being #2 so has been nasty to the older sibling for life. My bad for making the death bed promise to mom because no one else in the family (brother and his adult children and others) would take her in. While she has been very unwell for the past 3 years it's been ok but now that she is on road to recovery I'm walking on egg shells daily in my own home. She refuses to accept that there is no pot of gold and spends like a crazy on Christmas and birthday gifts no one likes and returns for store credit while she has maxed out her credit card. I'm on her bank account and the latest is a loan to a friend leaving her with about $100.00 in the bank until she is repaid which is already overdue. She has the nastiest temper -- refuses to accept responsibility and blames everyone for her problems. I've told friends that I can't support trump because I live with a similar person and I cannot trust her. She has been emotionally abusive and on 3 occasions physical -- I can't wait for her to finally be able to live on her own -- and when she leaves the door doesn't reopen.
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Davenport Dec 2020
Christine, I'm so sorry for your experience. This forum 'place' is for us to speak our truth. I confirm you.
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I don’t this this is the case in every family.

I had a wonderful loving relationship with my parents and rushed to step forward whenever they needed help.

Over the course of many years, my uninvolved siblings begin to grow resentful of the relationship.

Life in my family became difficult for me once my parents grew ill. That’s when the fighting over their estate by my previously apathetic siblings started (before my parents’ death).
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2020
Isn’t that sad? It happens in many families.
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I'm so sorry for you as I know exactly the pain you are describing. Maybe you were able to save yourself a bit more than me and you have some sort of life outside of your parents. In any event, it is not a given that you have to caretake. My new motto with my abusive family is "do unto to others as they have done unto you - over a lifetime." You don't have to continue to be a scapegoat. Don't allow it anymore. Escape if you can and live the life you deserved to have all along.
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Davenport Dec 2020
Marymary, you are my soul double. I escaped, and doing so tore my heart apart in MANY ways (for the 100th time in my life, since I'm an empath) ... and going on 2 years later, single, broke, I'm the most free and at peace I've been in a VERY long time. It's not what I'd have put on my Santa's list, but I'll take it.
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BurntCaregiver, Your vent really hit home with me. I was brainwashed at a very young age by my narcissistic mother and was made to be at her side always. When she passed away my father broke a hip and the need for a caregiver for him was given to me. I am the youngest of three and the two older siblings are quite happy to let me do the work. My father is a complicated man and can be mean and verbally abusive. He didn't take part in our lives other than to deal the punishment and ignore us most of the time. He treats the PSW's like gold and then turns to me and is nasty after they leave. It's time for me to say no to this and I do not feel guilty about it at all. I believe my parents just didn't know how to love their children and it has made for a difficult life, but with a lot of work I have healed and am at a good place now. My heart goes out to all who have also gone through this. Know your value!

And I am so grateful for this forum where we have the space to speak freely and find compassion. Thank you all!

Take care, Tempestdelfuego.
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marymary2 Dec 2020
I'm so glad you have healed Burnt but sorry you had to go through it all. May I ask what you did to heal? I've finally started trying to get my life together after leaving, but I feel it may be too late? I waste everyday on narcissist mother websites, heal from the abuse YouTube videos etc., but I'm not over it yet. (Admittedly, I got stuck with my abusive ex-husband as I'd given up my home to downsize my mother and I had nowhere to go as she sucked up all my time. Between her occasional abusive emails and his daily abuse, I'm not doing well at all.). Anyway, how did you do it? Thanks very much.

Original poster: please escape as soon as you can.
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Far out, can certainly relate to the irony of situation. Takes considerable amounts of fortitude and good character to treat those that never appreciated you with kindness and all that is required in the very difficult role of a caregiver. Surely there must be a way out? Let the favorite ones figured what’s best. By the way I like how you express yourself. Best of everything!
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Davenport Dec 2020
WOW, Chizzle, "Fortitude and good character to treat those that never appreciated you with kindness." And yes, all and everyone, there IS a way out! I gave 30 days notice, planned a major move meanwhile, and physically left. I couldn't have done it on my own--I owe that to my precious friends and advisors.
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Why are you agreeing to be the caregiver?

Why do you expect change from family members who have behaved consistently your whole life?
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helenb63 Dec 2020
I don't think any of us expect them to change. We provide care because we are people with good hearts who want to do better than our parents did, and because in today's society it is still expected, especially of daughters. Having said that, I don't blame anyone who can't cope and walks away if it is the only way they can survive. My mother luckily isn't that bad. Yet.
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