Elderly mother trashing appliances. How do I get her to stop?
Well she doesn't use the stove, thankfully, but she has trashed several small appliances and messed up the washing machine (just getting a service person in the door costs $95 now) and despite me even taping the doors closed, she is still messing with things - she put in so much detergent that it came out the top of the machine. How do I get her to stop? She gets mad if I tell her not to do laundry, etc. On the other hand, she fusses about doing it. Says 'why don't you stop following me around?' One day she had left the sink faucet on while puttering around and it had overflowed also - and I was already worn out from picking the 'Depends' filling out of the dryer. The previous week she had flushed her Depends down the toilet ( I think that made enough impression that she is careful about that, now.) It seems like all I do is fuss about things and try to head off another small, but costly, disaster. It's like having a large ten year old running wild all over the house - except that she can't run anymore!
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It didn't work because my Dad's brain didn't work very well anymore - dementia was in control. He could not change his behavior regardless of the motivation. The only way to change Dad's behavior was to limit his options - by physical changes (like securing potentially dangerous materials in locked cabinets) or supervision (locater bracelet, cameras you can monitor when out of the house, in home attendant, or MC).
Please accept that the Mom you have known for decades is gone. The dementia brain your Mom has now is neither thoughtful nor predictable. She doesn't want to cause problems and has a limited capacity to understand how she has caused problems - so she cannot change her behavior to avoid causing those problems again in the future. Now you need to change your behavior. You need to accept where your mother really is on the dementia journey. You need to make your home safe for your mother or you need to find a good facility for her. It's a really difficult turn in the road.
I need so many reminders that this IS not so. I wish it were, but it isn't.
Thank you for your comment here. It helped me greatly.
I paused for several minutes to think what to add on a positive note, but I can't find one. I'm sorry.
Dear Living South,
My experience is like yours and others who have posted.
Consider safety first - for both your sakes. When she still lived alone with daytime caregivers, she burned a pot on the stove twice. After the second time, I shut off the breaker to her stove and microwaved all her meals.
When I moved Mom in with us, as hard as I tried to “dementia proof” our home, I still found Mom using the microwave in the middle of the night. She had put in a cup of water and it was set for 10 minutes. I can’t imagine the horrible burns she would have had if I hadn’t woken up and found her in the kitchen.
I’ve cleaned depends filling out of the washer and dryer, and had to vacuum the lint trap and snake the dryer vent hose to remove inches thick, built up lint - another fire hazard. We re-did bathrooms with ceramic tile just in time for her to repeatedly overflow the toilet (and stash her soiled rugs and Depends in places that I only found because roaches and ants would lead me to them.
The exhaustion and cost of these incidents can be dismissed because they happen randomly. The denial about the situation mentioned above was real for me, and I think it’s natural.
When 24-hour supervision in our home was no longer enough, we moved Mom to a care home. It was a painful, guilt-filled decision. But, It was the only way to protect the physicial safety and well-being for Mom and my family.
Now that we are no longer living in a constant state of “High Alert,” I can see how exhausting and ineffective it was to provide for her on our own. What she needs is professional care to help her through the continued decline of her cognitive and physical health.
She needs me most now, just like your mom will continue to need you to -
Ensure the best possible care for her (not necessarily to provide it)
Be her tireless advocate
Be a loving daughter - which it is clear to see you are.
Best of luck to you. And, remember to show yourself as much kindness and compassion as you would want for your mom.
Many caregivers, especially when it is thrown onto their backs, are in denial about dementia "not being that bad" with their loved one. Part of this denial is because it is a horrible reality that we have no control over AND all of it gets worse over time. It's really too much for people to bear, so it's easier to fool ourselves into thinking, "it's not too bad; I can manage this....", etc.
Until one day, something really bad happens, and 911 has to be called or some scenario like that. And / or the loved one wanders off, no idea where they are or how to get back home. Indeed, it is like having a bad 2-year old around.
Case in point, my DH had frontotemporal dementia, and aphasia. His behaviors started kicking in about 6 months after diagnosis. He started wandering so I had to quit my job and take care of him. There were tons of things that happened, too many to list here. But the home stretch was that he attempted suicide and then had to go into memory care. His disease spread so rapidly that the doctors couldn't really keep up with it. After only 4 months in memory care, he passed away. All this happened last summer, so while I miss him dearly with all my heart, I am relieved he doesn't have to continue the way he was, especially with the behaviors. Dementia of any kind is an awful, awful journey that affects us all.
The times I took mom shopping, I did have to circumvent some purchases (she would keep buying chicken and freeze it, but never use it!) We never got to the stage you are in - we moved her to a MC unit before it got to that point (would not agree to move in with any of us and could not stay alone!)
In your case, it might be better to have someone else along with you to keep a close eye on her, or have someone who can watch over her (babysitter!) while you run the errands...
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