Elderly mother trashing appliances. How do I get her to stop?

We had to replace my mother’s microwave. The new microwave had a different pad and she was unable to key in the minutes it takes to heat water for her morning cocoa. She just randomly punched in numbers, watched the cup till it boiled, then removed it. Next time, of course, the remaining minutes would mess up her technique. We covered the keypad with a solid piece of thick cardboard, leaving only the 2, START, and STOP accessible. Printed “PRESS” on the cardboard. Enough to boil a cup of water and reheat an refrigerated entree.

Is she home alone can you put locks on laundry room and maybe the kitchen
Is it time to think of a placement out of your home

Is there an “adult daycare” she can go to

I was under the impression that if you "hid" something, that the person would forget about it....say, hanging a curtain over a door, the person would not see it and would not attempt to use it. Perhaps some creative person could figure out a way to hide a stovetop, without causing additional fire hazards! : D

As frustrating and sad as these situations are, they could be found darkly humorous in a book.  I read the ones about kids when mine were toddlers, and used safety measures and very high locks.  But this is different.  Our dear elders are taller and think they can still do things.  How frustrating it must be for them Just as it is for us.

My aunt luckily stopped cooking, but she likes to tidy up.  One day she tried to lift the cast-iron skillet, and dropped it on the glass stove top.   Yes, the glass cracked right through.  A new on-sale stove was cheaper than replacing the top!  Her night light wouldn't work or come out of the plug outlet.  I caught her with a metal utensil, ready to stick it in the outlet to pry it loose.  Everything electronic has somehow malfunctioned, from tv to coffee maker.  Keurig was the only coffee maker she could manage on her own, but we just bought our third one in 7 years.  Now she almost has made her coffee without remembering the cup under it. Yes, it made me crazy, and we added hours to companion time for her, so she's never alone.  I've also read this site's info on choosing a nursing home, and we will soon be visiting some as my husbands health has been improving.

She is 3 or 4 not 10 - so you must adjust accordingly - would you leave a 3 year old with access to detergent or washing machine? - put some locks on doors to save yourself $$$$$ - much cheaper than the repair or replace - tell her that you think someone is stealing your detergent so you had to make sure you are the only one with access etc etc

She has my dad there, but he just lets her do whatever. This really annoys me that he acts like it's not his problem. It's clear that there will have to be someone there when I'm not. She would be ok in a nursing home, I think, but having a roommate would not set well at all. Turning off the circuits is a good idea. I do have sensors on doors - which means that they are constantly going off, which is a real pain. Can take knobs off stove, but don't see a way to lock the microwave, though their website might have some info about it. She has a chair type toilet, but will still sometimes flush the contents down the toilet, so there are maybe pads in there. So far she has not done this lately. I made her pay for the plumber!
She is the youngest and used to everyone else looking out for her, cleaning up messes. No responsibility. House was remodeled and already looks crappy - this is what makes me sick. Urine marks on hardwood floors.... Trying to work something out with a lady about staying more - having enough money, of course, is the problem. I'm hiding detergent, and anything else I can think of
( but my own mind is now so fuzzy, I keep forgetting where I put it!)

One note about toilets - if it is flushed once after turning the water off, it will be "safe" from the diaper-flusher. If turned off after flushing/tank refill, there will be enough water in the tank for one more flush, so beware of when you turn off the water!

Some suggestions for all (some have been listed, but putting them with mine here):

Think how you might have protected your own or other young children from any/all chemicals, injuries, disasters, etc.

1) Remove the stove/oven knobs
2) Use child locks for cabinets and store small appliances, chemicals, cleaning agents, detergents, dishwashing and laundry powders/liquids/pods there
3) Child lock bath cabinets for other items (include dish soaps, rubbing alcohol, peroxide, etc) and kitchen drawers with dangerous items like knives, maybe even forks (poked into electrical outlets can be bad!)
4) Unplugging the washer might be easier than shutting off the breaker (the breaker might control more than the washer too) she may still want/try to use the washer, but will have to find you to get the soap and have it turned on! See #6 as well. Unplugging the dryer is a different case.
5) MICROWAVE - something I learned a few years ago when mom did this by accident - hold the STOP button for about 3 seconds and it LOCKS the controls!!! Repeat to unlock - it is a nice feature, for these cases and for children too.
6) Newer washers and dryers also have a control lock feature. I lock mine because the cats can hit the buttons jumping up! This only turns on the controls, they have not yet been able to run the washer or dryer :-) =^..^=
7) Gas stove - best bet, although more expensive, is to replace it with an electric stove at least for now (see above about knobs), otherwise turn off gas (removing knobs may not be enough - they could extinguish the pilot light, filling the house with gas.)
8) Lock up scissors, pens, markers, paints, etc with child-proof locks (cabinets and drawers)
9) Providing a clearly marked trash can for "diapers" might help, but sometimes they don't understand or remember. Can't hurt!
10) If you have easy access water shut-offs, turn the water off (sinks and showers, the dishwasher should be on the kitchen sink line) when not in use. Shutting off water to the toilets would prevent her/anyone from flushing the diaper. My dad used to wad up too much TP and clog it, flooding the bathroom!
11) If possible, move the thermostat so it is not reachable OR replace with one that is programmable, esp those with Wi-Fi access (my brother installed a Nest) Mom had the regular programmable, but was able to turn off the A/C in summer - I'm not a fan of much A/C esp when set too low, but would get to her place and it was like a sauna!! With Wi-Fi access and programming, it can be set remotely and she had no clue how to use it.
12) Use a locked pill dispenser - easier to monitor whether meds taken or not. In our case, she was not able to open it so we did not even bother locking it.
13) Provide "tasks" for her to keep her "busy" - folding laundry (doesn't have to be just cleaned - fold and later provide the same items jumbled up, art/craft projects, jigsaw puzzles (I love them, mom was never one to do this, but because I work on them with another resident who loves them, she joins in, even when I am not there!), be creative coming up with more "busy tasks".

Clearly these suggestions will not work for someone who is still living alone. You can lock up dangerous items, but they will need water to wash up and flush, so that would not work. If they are in this kind of state, they will need supervision, or to move, but with supervision, these can help protect against disasters.

Some of these interventions will be a nuisance for the rest of the household, but the peace of mind and reduced cleanup/replacement costs well outweighs this!  The child-proof locks are a very inexpensive fix that are only a minor nuisance. If I think of any others, I will add to the list. You also have to remain vigilant in re-locking, removing and shutting things off, but over time it gets easier. I had to plastic/string (including tape on shipped boxes and hard or soft plastic) proof my place for one cat. Even with some lapses, it should reduce incidents!

MissingCally says:

"Why do people think that medicating someone with these issues and hiding things in your home are the issues. All this does is cause more disruption in your home. If they need additional support get it for them and yourself."

Although I am not a fan of medications, sometimes there can be something that will alleviate the symptoms enough to make a person a bit more "manageable" or calm - not doped up, just enough to take the "edge" off. Our mother occasionally gets into one of these states and cannot be reasoned with or calmed down for HOURS. We have an "as needed" order up for Lorazepam. So far they have used about 7 pills in 3 plus months, most of those while being treated for UTI, which led to nightly episodes during treatment for that.

Hiding or disabling things may be an inconvenience to everyone else in the household, but the peace of mind and cost savings much outweigh that. Regardless of whether you or hired help can "watch" someone like this 24/7, think of a hyperactive toddler who can get into things like this? While you clean up one disaster, she or they can have moved on to the next! Even if placed in a facility, there are still ways for her to get "into trouble." You CANNOT watch someone 24/7. Would you prefer they destroy everything in your/their house, or god forbid drink/eat some chemical (read the post about the woman who had one of those detergent pods all over her!)

In a later post, you direct people to use a facility. THAT is great if one can choose that AND afford it. Many people cannot. It is NOT always the solution. In our case, her refusal to move in with one of us and rejection of in-home caregivers plus the ability to pay for a facility resulted in her moving to MC.

Later still you say "It is almost like you have to child proof your home." EXACTLY! Now, if you or someone else had to do this for your/their child, would you recommend they put the child into a facility?? Granted most children will outgrow this stage, but in some respects so will the older person with dementia... Although moving to a facility is an option, again not everyone would want or agree to this and many cannot afford this "luxury."

LivingSouth;

Perhaps it was noted somewhere in the various posts, but I did not catch it - is mom living alone? If so, it is time for a change!  She either needs outside supervision in her home, to move into yours (or you with her), or a facility, if it is affordable.

If not, if she is in your home or you in hers, see my post about how to "protect" the person (and the home) from themselves.

I experienced the same things for the 10 years we cared for my mom. I was so stressed. In the end, my husband and I just let her do what she wanted, it kept our stress down and we just said we would fix the house up after she passed. She passed 10 days ago and we do miss her so. We have had real all night sleep again . I am glad we didn't fuss with her so much in the last 6 months She got calmer too.

Maybe it is time to look at a facility for her

you may not think it but I know exactly what you are talking about first now the house was built and it’s only now last December it was three years old first my father took a hit it with electric wheelchair all the doors the facings we have to stuff towels in there so the bugs don’t come through it not the lector at Bill is out of this world because if you turn the AC on yours just AC the outside then the icebox the stove the cabinets all took a hit looks like hail damage on all of it the cabinets are wood all the words chipped up their furniture has been very chipped up no big time gouges in it and they were brand new coming into the house the floor has been coming up where they’ve ran the wheelchairs you know to the point you know he stops and goes and stops and goes and is just picked up the flooring I’m right with you you know you try to stop all the little stuff that going to hate you but it’s hard it’s like chasing two-year-olds around the house that I think and say about the washing machine and the soap I buy the little pods and that kind of helps then for the dishwasher about the little pods as well so they know just put one in I’m telling you I ride with you dude it’s harder than hell to do this I don’t think we were that hard to raise now all she asked is I’m gonna take over the bills I’m going to do the bills I wanna know where my money is but her just make a phone call that gets screwing up so I don’t know I just do not know

Have mom evaluated by a Geriatric Doctor, and work on getting a POA. Sounds like she needs more supervision than you can handle. Maybe you can bring in an outside caregiver for a few hours to keep her mind occupied with activities/socialization? Maybe she can expend some of her energy in more safe & positive ways. Best of luck to you.

This same thing happened with my mother. She was living with my daughter and family, my daughter changed all the faucets on the first level so they turn off automatically. They took all the knobs off the stove so she couldn't cook and when I moved to my daughter to take over the responsibility of my mother, my daughter told me that my mother had burned through 3 microwaves. It is almost like you have to child proof your home. My mother would ask why there were no knobs on the stove and I just gave some answer till the next time she asked. Regarding the toilet, we had her raised potty chair over the toilet. Once I got here I started working late at night, I'd come in at 3 am and go to the bathroom only to have the toilet overflow. This happen several times, so we put her potty chair in her room and cleaned a couple of times a day. Now she is living in an Assistant Living facility, it better for everyone especially her. It also gives some peace around the house.

I wholeheartedly agree with TNtechie, Sanibel01 and Ahmijoy. Everything they state in their posts is 100%+ correct. Mom's behaviors won't change, and she won't understand 'special waste containers' and the like. You will go insane to try to think of every possible danger before it happens at home. And you absolutely cannot leave her alone. This is paramount.

Many caregivers, especially when it is thrown onto their backs, are in denial about dementia "not being that bad" with their loved one. Part of this denial is because it is a horrible reality that we have no control over AND all of it gets worse over time. It's really too much for people to bear, so it's easier to fool ourselves into thinking, "it's not too bad; I can manage this....", etc.
Until one day, something really bad happens, and 911 has to be called or some scenario like that. And / or the loved one wanders off, no idea where they are or how to get back home. Indeed, it is like having a bad 2-year old around.

Case in point, my DH had frontotemporal dementia, and aphasia. His behaviors started kicking in about 6 months after diagnosis. He started wandering so I had to quit my job and take care of him. There were tons of things that happened, too many to list here. But the home stretch was that he attempted suicide and then had to go into memory care. His disease spread so rapidly that the doctors couldn't really keep up with it. After only 4 months in memory care, he passed away. All this happened last summer, so while I miss him dearly with all my heart, I am relieved he doesn't have to continue the way he was, especially with the behaviors. Dementia of any kind is an awful, awful journey that affects us all.

You might want to consider motion, heat and moisture sensors. The motion detection for something that should not be opened, (doors or windows during the night) moisture for water overflows (overflow of toilet or sink). Also a turn off lever on the water supply to washer, to limit her access. I have used the temp feature on the security hub to determine if the air conditioner has been turned off. We are still working on a fix for the microwave I had to replace because I burnt something in it! (Not my Mom, but ME!) we replaced it with a new one that has a different control panel. She only boils water in a mug.

Livingsouth, your situation is heart wrenching not only for you, but for those of us who have dealt with this or are in the midst of it as well. All people seem to want to remain in their own home and many will refuse to leave. Add dementia and safety issues to the mix and you go crazy trying to honor the wishes of your loved one. I disconnected every appliance except the toaster oven and microwave in an effort to avoid the gas or burners being left on, the floods from overflowing, etc. and it made life even harder. My mom then “washed” things by hand with Comet or just put the dirty dishes back in the cabinet. Every issue, that was addressed was met with a new set of problems. Still had spoiled food in fridge, wrong products being used for “cleaning”, meds being mixed up, filthy clothes being hung back up or worn repeatedly, wandering, being yelled at, fixing financials, trying to protect folks from door to door sales people, phone scams, and the list goes on. We too waited far too long to move our parents who fought tooth and nail. End result, they were too far gone to be in assisted living and were required to be in memory care. There’s a huge difference in freedom and costs between assisted living and memory care. So at this point, the care is beyond what’s humanly possible to give by a single person 24/7. Your options are to either have 24/7 care in your loved one’s home by a team of caregivers, move your loved one in with you and put child safety locks on all cabinets and appliances and be prepared to still be battling her getting into things, put cameras up where she lives and have some sort of monitoring 24/7, or to move her to some sort of facility BEFORE that choice becomes a nightmare. It’s all heart wrenching. Hugs to you.

08/10/18

Dear Living South,

My experience is like yours and others who have posted. 

Consider safety first - for both your sakes. When she still lived alone with daytime caregivers, she burned a pot on the stove twice. After the second time, I shut off the breaker to her stove and microwaved all her meals. 

When I moved Mom in with us, as hard as I tried to “dementia proof” our home, I still found Mom using the microwave in the middle of the night. She had put in a cup of water and it was set for 10 minutes. I can’t imagine the horrible burns she would have had if I hadn’t woken up and found her in the kitchen. 

I’ve cleaned depends filling out of the washer and dryer, and had to vacuum the lint trap and snake the dryer vent hose to remove inches thick, built up lint - another fire hazard. We re-did bathrooms with ceramic tile just in time for her to repeatedly overflow the toilet (and stash her soiled rugs and Depends in places that I only found because roaches and ants would lead me to them. 

The exhaustion and cost of these incidents can be dismissed because they happen randomly. The denial about the situation mentioned above was real for me, and I think it’s natural. 

When 24-hour supervision in our home was no longer enough, we moved Mom to a care home. It was a painful, guilt-filled decision. But, It was the only way to protect the physicial safety and well-being for Mom and my family.

Now that we are no longer living in a constant state of “High Alert,” I can see how exhausting and ineffective it was to provide for her on our own. What she needs is professional care to help her through the continued decline of her cognitive and physical health. 

She needs me most now, just like your mom will continue to need you to -
Ensure the best possible care for her (not necessarily to provide it)
Be her tireless advocate
Be a loving daughter - which it is clear to see you are.

Best of luck to you. And, remember to show yourself as much kindness and compassion as you would want for your mom.

It's hard when your parent becomes your child. I liken my trips to stores with my mom as going with my daughter when she was a toddler - have to keep your eye on her every minute or she disappears, have to keep her from opening packages, have to take her to the restroom at least 3 times before leaving, etc. Mom adds "I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm thirsty, and I'm tired" too. It really wears you out. You try to treat them with the dignity that an elder deserves - especially your parent - but they just argue and yell and fight like a tantrum-throwing 2 year old. Mine gives me the added joy of telling anyone who will listen how "mean" I am and the looks I get from these people are scathing. Only another person who has gone through this understands.

Put locks on doors and hide the laundry detergent. Good luck

Wow! A lot on your hands. All I can say is I sympathize.

I'm sorry, LivingSouth, it's time for your mom to either have 24 hour care or move her to a facility. As for her getting mad, there's nothing you can do. She won't believe or listen to you. Find out if you have a POA, yes that important document that allows you to make changes to her lifestyle. If you don't, get a new will. It's imperative that you get her help while she still kind of has some of her facilities so it is legal.

I can really sympathize! Though my husband has not done these things, he does turn on the water for our cat to drink and it might run for hours-not good in drought stricken area! He stashes sodden dripping wet night time underwear in very odd places, resulting in urine smells that require intensive cleaning. He sits on the toilet and goes through drawers putting things on the floor and stacking them in odd places. It does feel like having a toddler running amok. Sometimes I just have to get very stern and speak to him like a child. But I have to keep it simple. When I forget and try to "explain" the why of anything, he just gets a blank look on his face.

I truly understand what you are going through. We moved my MIL here after FIL passed so she could be near relatives. She was quite capable when we moved her here and we even put a house on our property for her to live independently next door to us. Over the past 14 years she developed dementia and had a few close calls with burning things on the stove. She had forgotten how to drive, thankfully, but she also began to forget to eat. We found her a wonderful AL center which she has spent the past 2 months fighting tooth and nail but just during the last week or so she is finally beginning to like it. They provide her the 24 hour “supervision” and care that she so desperately needs. Of course we are now going through her house and repairing countless things that she obviously had issue with but never told us about. I know she left the water running in the bathroom sink at least once because the carpet and floor has a tremendous amount of water damage. It’s getting expensive and after seeing all of this in her house, I’m truly amazed that it survived her “wreckage” and even more relieved that we have her in a safe and secure living arrangement.

I guess I am going to say what the others said. She can't be left alone.
I know when my Grandmother was left alone, she tried to wander off and find the outhouse that she thought should be outside...my Aunt would come home to find Grandma in her machine shed looking for a potty place...

My Aunt had to stay home with her from then on. This was 30 yrs ago mind you. I hope you find a good solution.
Keep her safe.

I wonder if you could call Adult Protective Services and talk with a social worker, perhaps they could evaluate her needs faster than a doctor could?

As with others, been there, done that. My dad lived alone for longer than he should have. I moved him to be near my family. He would not move in with me due to the stress caused when his dad moved in with him. Praise God for long the term memory he still has.
He did not have much money. What he did have covered the first few months in assisted living. I then sold his house which we put in the bank for him to live off of. He’s 94 with congestive heart failure. Assisted living is great for him. They do all the cooking and cleaning, care for him, plus they know how to talk with him. As you said, it’s like having a child, but he’s a parent. So, the dynamic is hard. Prayers for you.

Please get someone to be with her at all times. If you do not you might be setting yourself up not only for a sad disaster but someone calling social services or the police on you. Please safe guard yourself and your mother.

You MUST tell her Dr. what she is doing. You can write it all down and send it or deliver it to her Dr. office before she has an appt. And, you must go with her! She does have dementia, she really can’t help what she’s doing. You telling her anything may not be remembered. She is frustrating you And, you are frustrating her! I’ve been through it so I really sympathize. Fortunately the Dr. put my mom on medication that calmed her down. The Dr. gradually adjusted her medication until I was able to say she was much improved. He put her on Sertraline and slowly adjusted it up to 100mg. I must add, DO NOT Listen To People who might say “I didn’t like that medicine”. You’ll find another 100 who will say it really worked! There are 3 or 4 types of dementia, so do your own research so you have understanding of what she’s going through. It helped me or at least gave me more empathy for my Mom.
I also agree with what others have told you, she cannot be left alone! Turn laundry room circuit off, and don’t let her watch you do it. Hide the detergent and do not use pods, they look like candy.
God bless you, she’s blessed to have you.

I don’t have a solution but I want you to know it scares me to think about this. What a terrible situation for you! I hope someone else is smarter than me and can offer you more than sympathy. But you certainly have mine!