Elderly mother trashing appliances. How do I get her to stop?

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Elderly mother trashing appliances. How do I get her to stop?

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Well she doesn't use the stove, thankfully, but she has trashed several small appliances and messed up the washing machine (just getting a service person in the door costs $95 now) and despite me even taping the doors closed, she is still messing with things - she put in so much detergent that it came out the top of the machine. How do I get her to stop? She gets mad if I tell her not to do laundry, etc. On the other hand, she fusses about doing it. Says 'why don't you stop following me around?' One day she had left the sink faucet on while puttering around and it had overflowed also - and I was already worn out from picking the 'Depends' filling out of the dryer. The previous week she had flushed her Depends down the toilet ( I think that made enough impression that she is careful about that, now.) It seems like all I do is fuss about things and try to head off another small, but costly, disaster. It's like having a large ten year old running wild all over the house - except that she can't run anymore!

Alzheimer's & Dementia Dementia Behaviors Mom

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Turn the breaker box circuit to the washer/dryer off? Give her a "special trash can" for just depends? ARGH! Bless you....stay sane!

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I was there when Mom went to the bathroom. She would take forever washing her hands and running the water the whole time. I sat outside the door because I had to clean her up. I had a trashcan with a flip top and lined with a plastic trash bag that I put soiled Depends in. (I tried to get as much #2 as I could off first)

You need to be proactive now. Sounds like your Mom needed to be watched. I agree, unplug or shut off the circuit braker. If you have to, put a lock on your laundry room. If Mom is doing these things don't leave her alone.

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hi you explain all of that well!
im exhausted picturing all that in my head!

I thought maybe you were just venting. but you said how to get her to stop?

I don't know. sounds like you do need to follow her around :(

hide the soap or put out a very small container - put up "out of order" signs
put water saver faucet on tap - it runs a little slower tho

I know if I lived with my mom she would cut stuff up with her scissors! she loves to cut ...but never pastes! oh and don't give my mom a sharpie marker!

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I know what you mean. Faucet or shower running forever until I catch it. Washes fingers(not all of the hands) and shuts the water on and off, no soap though.
Washes dishes and puts them in the rack with food and grease still on them.
Today was a new one. Poured water on the counter and tried cutting it with a knife.
Cuts her panties( diaper). Not so bad currently but still messy. Fortunately she has quit trying to use the microwave. Once she warmed up her coffee for twenty five minutes. Boy did I have a mess to clean. Glad it wasn't beans.
Could not get her to stop but she did on her own.
Had to remove the knobs from the stove since she almost created a bomb by getting one lit and the other was just on with gas escaping. (Opened doors and started fan)
Turned coffee maker on with nothing in to be warmed up. Tears the bed apart and brought the covers and sheets to me.
Doesn't pull pants down far enough and pees on them.
She has aphasia which prevents her from explaining why she does things.
The best I can suggest is to get some running shoes.
Sorry
When I talk to her about these things she looks at me like I am an alien invader from another planet.

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When I got back today, she was sitting outside ( despite the fact I tell her not to ) and had a broken clothes detergent pod in her hand - and all over her clothes. She got mad when I asked her if she had tried to eat it! I was thinking, should I take her to ER? I bought a cute pedal type waste basket for the depends - but they never end up in it. End up on floor and the other day found a used one in her drawer - now everything in there smells like urine. Can't turn off circuit or it will turn off air conditioning also. She is also seeing things - said strange man in backyard - scared me to death ( there's a sex offender next door) . No one there.

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Your mom cannot be left alone anymore.

She needs an in-home aide or to go to memory care ALF.

The very first answer mentioned talking to her dr. to report all behavior and ask for medication to assist. Definitely take that person's advice and talk to your mom's dr. Medications can certainly help. They won't be able to cure dementia, but can alleviate some of the dementia-associated behaviors.

It's true as others have stated, your mom cannot change, so you have to change........your thinking and expectations.

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If you can't turn off a circuit you can still unplug the washer and shut off the water supply, but even then it really sounds as though she has reached the point where she shouldn't be left unsupervised.

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The simple answer to your question is that you can’t. As was said, Mom can’t be left on her own. You said you found her outside. Next time, God forbid, you may not find her. People with dementia go from one obsession to the other. If she’s alone all day, you’re playing with fire so to speak. You should start thinking about a facility or a home health aid for her. It’s not easy, but for her safety and your’s, it’s for the best.

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Exactly similar events happened to us. Please get it checked by a doctor and manage her in a kind way. She probably has early symptoms of dementia.

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I hate to add to the chorus, but your mother can't be left alone any more. Because she *thinks* she's fine, and she isn't physically disabled, she will cheerfully go ahead with any household task that pops into her head. It's a fire, an electrical fault, a fall, a serious injury waiting to happen.

I paused for several minutes to think what to add on a positive note, but I can't find one. I'm sorry.

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There is nothing you can do to stop your mother's behavior. I agree with the other answers - she can not be left alone. What you descirbe sounds all too familiar to me having been through it with my M-I-L. First we took away car keys after her calling us several times from the road forgetting how to use the windshield wipers or saying she was lost. We had to turn off the circuit breakers for the stove, microwave, and dishwasher. She would call in the middle of night asking why we didn't come to see her when we had just been there earlier in the day. We found her in a vacant lot near her home one hot summer day pulling weeds and she thought it was a perfectly reasonable thing to be doing. My point is the behaviors will increase. For her sake and yours please consider in home care or start looking at assisted living or memory care communities. M-I-L is now in an assisted living and is happy; she has constructive activities and socialization and lots of attention. Please don't underestimate the toll caregiving takes. You don't have to give up your health or peace of mind.

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I would like to think a 10 year old knows better so lets say 3 year old. So, like a 3 year old, those little eye and hook that screw in top of a door out of reach. If you can put up laundry detergent out of reach. Mom has a special garbage can with plastic bags in her room with a portable commode. She has privacy and all paper products go in the can. Small appliances in cabinets with child proof locks. Child proof the toilet. They also have child proof for faucets. Child proof the outlets that appliances plug into.
Your initial costs out weigh replacing appliances, repair services and her safety. She is a busy bee that that's good but needs to be disciplined. Give her projects to do, scrap booking, clipping coupons in magazines, dusting nic-nacs, small picture frames, etc. Good Luck.

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LivingSouth, I believe you are in the state of "denial". I watched my mother live there for several years in dealing with my father's vascular dementia. Despite the dementia diagnosis, despite living with my father and observing his behavior changes, despite seeing Dad struggle at times to execute simple multiple step tasks, Mom still saw Dad in her mind's eye as the capable man he had been for decades. She would ask him to "look at" or "fix" something or try to talk to him about his dementia driven behavior as though she expected him to be able to change that behavior. It never worked.

It didn't work because my Dad's brain didn't work very well anymore - dementia was in control. He could not change his behavior regardless of the motivation. The only way to change Dad's behavior was to limit his options - by physical changes (like securing potentially dangerous materials in locked cabinets) or supervision (locater bracelet, cameras you can monitor when out of the house, in home attendant, or MC).

Please accept that the Mom you have known for decades is gone. The dementia brain your Mom has now is neither thoughtful nor predictable. She doesn't want to cause problems and has a limited capacity to understand how she has caused problems - so she cannot change her behavior to avoid causing those problems again in the future. Now you need to change your behavior. You need to accept where your mother really is on the dementia journey. You need to make your home safe for your mother or you need to find a good facility for her. It's a really difficult turn in the road.

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Thank you TNtechie, this is what I am going through exactly. I keep trying to make my husband into the man he was pre-stroke and vascular dementia. I keep thinking IF I CAN make him do...this or that...he will be back to normal.

I need so many reminders that this IS not so. I wish it were, but it isn't.
Thank you for your comment here. It helped me greatly.

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I don’t have a solution but I want you to know it scares me to think about this. What a terrible situation for you! I hope someone else is smarter than me and can offer you more than sympathy. But you certainly have mine!

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You MUST tell her Dr. what she is doing. You can write it all down and send it or deliver it to her Dr. office before she has an appt. And, you must go with her! She does have dementia, she really can’t help what she’s doing. You telling her anything may not be remembered. She is frustrating you And, you are frustrating her! I’ve been through it so I really sympathize. Fortunately the Dr. put my mom on medication that calmed her down. The Dr. gradually adjusted her medication until I was able to say she was much improved. He put her on Sertraline and slowly adjusted it up to 100mg. I must add, DO NOT Listen To People who might say “I didn’t like that medicine”. You’ll find another 100 who will say it really worked! There are 3 or 4 types of dementia, so do your own research so you have understanding of what she’s going through. It helped me or at least gave me more empathy for my Mom.
I also agree with what others have told you, she cannot be left alone! Turn laundry room circuit off, and don’t let her watch you do it. Hide the detergent and do not use pods, they look like candy.
God bless you, she’s blessed to have you.

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Why do people think that medicating someone with these issues and hiding things in your home are the issues. All this does is cause more disruption in your home. If they need additional support get it for them and yourself.

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Please get someone to be with her at all times. If you do not you might be setting yourself up not only for a sad disaster but someone calling social services or the police on you. Please safe guard yourself and your mother.

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As with others, been there, done that. My dad lived alone for longer than he should have. I moved him to be near my family. He would not move in with me due to the stress caused when his dad moved in with him. Praise God for long the term memory he still has.
He did not have much money. What he did have covered the first few months in assisted living. I then sold his house which we put in the bank for him to live off of. He’s 94 with congestive heart failure. Assisted living is great for him. They do all the cooking and cleaning, care for him, plus they know how to talk with him. As you said, it’s like having a child, but he’s a parent. So, the dynamic is hard. Prayers for you.

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I guess I am going to say what the others said. She can't be left alone.
I know when my Grandmother was left alone, she tried to wander off and find the outhouse that she thought should be outside...my Aunt would come home to find Grandma in her machine shed looking for a potty place...

My Aunt had to stay home with her from then on. This was 30 yrs ago mind you. I hope you find a good solution.
Keep her safe.

I wonder if you could call Adult Protective Services and talk with a social worker, perhaps they could evaluate her needs faster than a doctor could?

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I truly understand what you are going through. We moved my MIL here after FIL passed so she could be near relatives. She was quite capable when we moved her here and we even put a house on our property for her to live independently next door to us. Over the past 14 years she developed dementia and had a few close calls with burning things on the stove. She had forgotten how to drive, thankfully, but she also began to forget to eat. We found her a wonderful AL center which she has spent the past 2 months fighting tooth and nail but just during the last week or so she is finally beginning to like it. They provide her the 24 hour “supervision” and care that she so desperately needs. Of course we are now going through her house and repairing countless things that she obviously had issue with but never told us about. I know she left the water running in the bathroom sink at least once because the carpet and floor has a tremendous amount of water damage. It’s getting expensive and after seeing all of this in her house, I’m truly amazed that it survived her “wreckage” and even more relieved that we have her in a safe and secure living arrangement.

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I can really sympathize! Though my husband has not done these things, he does turn on the water for our cat to drink and it might run for hours-not good in drought stricken area! He stashes sodden dripping wet night time underwear in very odd places, resulting in urine smells that require intensive cleaning. He sits on the toilet and goes through drawers putting things on the floor and stacking them in odd places. It does feel like having a toddler running amok. Sometimes I just have to get very stern and speak to him like a child. But I have to keep it simple. When I forget and try to "explain" the why of anything, he just gets a blank look on his face.

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I'm sorry, LivingSouth, it's time for your mom to either have 24 hour care or move her to a facility. As for her getting mad, there's nothing you can do. She won't believe or listen to you. Find out if you have a POA, yes that important document that allows you to make changes to her lifestyle. If you don't, get a new will. It's imperative that you get her help while she still kind of has some of her facilities so it is legal.

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Wow! A lot on your hands. All I can say is I sympathize.

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Put locks on doors and hide the laundry detergent. Good luck

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It's hard when your parent becomes your child. I liken my trips to stores with my mom as going with my daughter when she was a toddler - have to keep your eye on her every minute or she disappears, have to keep her from opening packages, have to take her to the restroom at least 3 times before leaving, etc. Mom adds "I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm thirsty, and I'm tired" too. It really wears you out. You try to treat them with the dignity that an elder deserves - especially your parent - but they just argue and yell and fight like a tantrum-throwing 2 year old. Mine gives me the added joy of telling anyone who will listen how "mean" I am and the looks I get from these people are scathing. Only another person who has gone through this understands.

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How apropos! Yes, it is like having a toddler who needs to be reined in, and you need eyes in the back of your head!!! And yes, those who have not been down this path are clueless!! I have been finding more and more people who know someone, often a grandmother, who has embarked on this journey, so they understand.

The times I took mom shopping, I did have to circumvent some purchases (she would keep buying chicken and freeze it, but never use it!) We never got to the stage you are in - we moved her to a MC unit before it got to that point (would not agree to move in with any of us and could not stay alone!)

In your case, it might be better to have someone else along with you to keep a close eye on her, or have someone who can watch over her (babysitter!) while you run the errands...

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08/10/18

Dear Living South,

My experience is like yours and others who have posted.

Consider safety first - for both your sakes. When she still lived alone with daytime caregivers, she burned a pot on the stove twice. After the second time, I shut off the breaker to her stove and microwaved all her meals.

When I moved Mom in with us, as hard as I tried to “dementia proof” our home, I still found Mom using the microwave in the middle of the night. She had put in a cup of water and it was set for 10 minutes. I can’t imagine the horrible burns she would have had if I hadn’t woken up and found her in the kitchen.

I’ve cleaned depends filling out of the washer and dryer, and had to vacuum the lint trap and snake the dryer vent hose to remove inches thick, built up lint - another fire hazard. We re-did bathrooms with ceramic tile just in time for her to repeatedly overflow the toilet (and stash her soiled rugs and Depends in places that I only found because roaches and ants would lead me to them.

The exhaustion and cost of these incidents can be dismissed because they happen randomly. The denial about the situation mentioned above was real for me, and I think it’s natural.

When 24-hour supervision in our home was no longer enough, we moved Mom to a care home. It was a painful, guilt-filled decision. But, It was the only way to protect the physicial safety and well-being for Mom and my family.

Now that we are no longer living in a constant state of “High Alert,” I can see how exhausting and ineffective it was to provide for her on our own. What she needs is professional care to help her through the continued decline of her cognitive and physical health.

She needs me most now, just like your mom will continue to need you to -
Ensure the best possible care for her (not necessarily to provide it)
Be her tireless advocate
Be a loving daughter - which it is clear to see you are.

Best of luck to you. And, remember to show yourself as much kindness and compassion as you would want for your mom.

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Livingsouth, your situation is heart wrenching not only for you, but for those of us who have dealt with this or are in the midst of it as well. All people seem to want to remain in their own home and many will refuse to leave. Add dementia and safety issues to the mix and you go crazy trying to honor the wishes of your loved one. I disconnected every appliance except the toaster oven and microwave in an effort to avoid the gas or burners being left on, the floods from overflowing, etc. and it made life even harder. My mom then “washed” things by hand with Comet or just put the dirty dishes back in the cabinet. Every issue, that was addressed was met with a new set of problems. Still had spoiled food in fridge, wrong products being used for “cleaning”, meds being mixed up, filthy clothes being hung back up or worn repeatedly, wandering, being yelled at, fixing financials, trying to protect folks from door to door sales people, phone scams, and the list goes on. We too waited far too long to move our parents who fought tooth and nail. End result, they were too far gone to be in assisted living and were required to be in memory care. There’s a huge difference in freedom and costs between assisted living and memory care. So at this point, the care is beyond what’s humanly possible to give by a single person 24/7. Your options are to either have 24/7 care in your loved one’s home by a team of caregivers, move your loved one in with you and put child safety locks on all cabinets and appliances and be prepared to still be battling her getting into things, put cameras up where she lives and have some sort of monitoring 24/7, or to move her to some sort of facility BEFORE that choice becomes a nightmare. It’s all heart wrenching. Hugs to you.

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That is absolutely too much work. Use the facilities and help that is equipped to handle these situations.

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You might want to consider motion, heat and moisture sensors. The motion detection for something that should not be opened, (doors or windows during the night) moisture for water overflows (overflow of toilet or sink). Also a turn off lever on the water supply to washer, to limit her access. I have used the temp feature on the security hub to determine if the air conditioner has been turned off. We are still working on a fix for the microwave I had to replace because I burnt something in it! (Not my Mom, but ME!) we replaced it with a new one that has a different control panel. She only boils water in a mug.

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I wholeheartedly agree with TNtechie, Sanibel01 and Ahmijoy. Everything they state in their posts is 100%+ correct. Mom's behaviors won't change, and she won't understand 'special waste containers' and the like. You will go insane to try to think of every possible danger before it happens at home. And you absolutely cannot leave her alone. This is paramount.

Many caregivers, especially when it is thrown onto their backs, are in denial about dementia "not being that bad" with their loved one. Part of this denial is because it is a horrible reality that we have no control over AND all of it gets worse over time. It's really too much for people to bear, so it's easier to fool ourselves into thinking, "it's not too bad; I can manage this....", etc.
Until one day, something really bad happens, and 911 has to be called or some scenario like that. And / or the loved one wanders off, no idea where they are or how to get back home. Indeed, it is like having a bad 2-year old around.

Case in point, my DH had frontotemporal dementia, and aphasia. His behaviors started kicking in about 6 months after diagnosis. He started wandering so I had to quit my job and take care of him. There were tons of things that happened, too many to list here. But the home stretch was that he attempted suicide and then had to go into memory care. His disease spread so rapidly that the doctors couldn't really keep up with it. After only 4 months in memory care, he passed away. All this happened last summer, so while I miss him dearly with all my heart, I am relieved he doesn't have to continue the way he was, especially with the behaviors. Dementia of any kind is an awful, awful journey that affects us all.

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This same thing happened with my mother. She was living with my daughter and family, my daughter changed all the faucets on the first level so they turn off automatically. They took all the knobs off the stove so she couldn't cook and when I moved to my daughter to take over the responsibility of my mother, my daughter told me that my mother had burned through 3 microwaves. It is almost like you have to child proof your home. My mother would ask why there were no knobs on the stove and I just gave some answer till the next time she asked. Regarding the toilet, we had her raised potty chair over the toilet. Once I got here I started working late at night, I'd come in at 3 am and go to the bathroom only to have the toilet overflow. This happen several times, so we put her potty chair in her room and cleaned a couple of times a day. Now she is living in an Assistant Living facility, it better for everyone especially her. It also gives some peace around the house.

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Have mom evaluated by a Geriatric Doctor, and work on getting a POA. Sounds like she needs more supervision than you can handle. Maybe you can bring in an outside caregiver for a few hours to keep her mind occupied with activities/socialization? Maybe she can expend some of her energy in more safe & positive ways. Best of luck to you.

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you may not think it but I know exactly what you are talking about first now the house was built and it’s only now last December it was three years old first my father took a hit it with electric wheelchair all the doors the facings we have to stuff towels in there so the bugs don’t come through it not the lector at Bill is out of this world because if you turn the AC on yours just AC the outside then the icebox the stove the cabinets all took a hit looks like hail damage on all of it the cabinets are wood all the words chipped up their furniture has been very chipped up no big time gouges in it and they were brand new coming into the house the floor has been coming up where they’ve ran the wheelchairs you know to the point you know he stops and goes and stops and goes and is just picked up the flooring I’m right with you you know you try to stop all the little stuff that going to hate you but it’s hard it’s like chasing two-year-olds around the house that I think and say about the washing machine and the soap I buy the little pods and that kind of helps then for the dishwasher about the little pods as well so they know just put one in I’m telling you I ride with you dude it’s harder than hell to do this I don’t think we were that hard to raise now all she asked is I’m gonna take over the bills I’m going to do the bills I wanna know where my money is but her just make a phone call that gets screwing up so I don’t know I just do not know

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Elderly mother trashing appliances. How do I get her to stop?

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