I have an update on my mother. Should I go up to the hospital?

OMG thank you so much for all your help!!! All of you!!! Each and every one of you has helped me get this far!!! I was on my way to the hospital at 5:00pm when I pulled in the drugstore parking lot to read your responses. I agree with worriedincali!!! I changed my mind!!! I called the nurse and told her to tell my mom that I am not coming up to the hospital today. I told her everything. The hoarding, the not bathing, her treating me like sh*t!!! She said she was so sorry. She would tell my mother I didn’t feel when and couldn’t come up. I also told her it is an unsafe discharge!! She can’t go home and I can’t take care of her!!! She said they were doing a psych evaluation tomorrow. I have to stay away from there. Worriedincali is right. I would get sucked into her mess again!!! They will have to sedate her when they tell her assisted living is in iniment!!!

Elaine.....I say don’t go. Your mom is fine, she’s in good hands. Stay home and BE STRONG! This is a golden opportunity to get her placed. I fear that if you go to the hospital you will end up caving in and bringing her home. And the cycle will continue. So stay home and refuse to bring her home. Make it very clear to the hospital and the SW that she cannot go home.

FINALLY! Your mom is where she belongs. In the hospital where she will be cared for properly by the staff. You are taking photos of the hoard, perfect. You will go to the hospital at some point (probably tomorrow) and show the SW the photos, and go from there. Your mother is NINETY FIVE years old and having incident after incident. She can't live alone any longer. Elaine can't save her this time. It's too late.

Just remain cool, calm & collected tomorrow when you do go to the hospital for the meeting. Your ducks are all lined up now. Mother needs to NOT come home now. She needs placement. That is what you tell the SW as many times as necessary in order for the message to sink in.

Then let go and let God. This is the 'crisis' opportunity you've been waiting for. With God's help, mother will be soon be placed in a care environment where she'll be cared for until she passes. Sending you a giant HUG and a load of prayers that all goes well.

Thank you so much all of you!! I do feel proud of myself and much relief. I’m staying away from the hospital. I will talk to the social worker over the phone. I will tell her she can’t go home. Unsafe discharge!!! I know my mother will never speak to me again. She will think I hate her and want her dead!!! That’s not it!!! I love her and want her safe!!!

Hon, this is your OPPORTUNITY. Right here and right now. Most people have to do an ER DUMP (taking the elder to the ER and refusing to take the elder home). You had it done FOR YOU. Now is your opportunity. Yes, DO MEET with Social Services but tell them that you will not meet with your mother and them together FIRST. That you want to meet with only social services. Take your pictures. Tell them all you told us. STRESS "unsafe", "in danger" "will not cooperate". Tell them that you WILL NOT be responsible and if they send her home they are doing an "UNSAFE DISCHARGE". It is very important you use these words. They will tell you all kinds of lies. They will say "We can help; we can get you help; we can all work together". They cannot. Only for a short time and then very costly. Tell them you are ABSOLUTELY not going to be responsible for your mother. Ask them to do a state guardianship or whatever they want to but you will not be involved excepting to visit her. Tell them you will not accept her to your home, and sending her home is "unsafe discharge". They will do anything to unload her on you. Do not let them. THEN you can meet with her and Social Services. But not until you LAY DOWN THE LAW.
Now, do know if you say you do not want power of attorney and guardianship, then your mother will be basically a ward of the state. They will take care of her and her home. They will do it all. BUT you will not have any say about where she is placed. So that has to be something you know.
Your Mom will not cooperate. It is time for them to take over. Good luck. Know that if she is in 5 days she can go to rehab. Likely needs the care, and another good opportunity to reinforce that she cannot go home, you will not take her home, and sending her home is unsafe. On the phone tell Mom you love her but she needs help now and won't accept it from you.
We are all in your corner. I don't think a single person here is in disagreement with what you need to do, and on the forum THAT'S RARE! Thinking of you and pulling for you. THIS is best for your Mom, too, thought she won't see that for a long time.

I did what I could. Case closed. Nothing more I can do about it. I wish things were different but they aren’t. I’m done fighting for her safety. I couldn’t live with myself if I went no contact. Never went over there. Nobody to plow. Nobody to mow the lawn. Nobody to get her mail. Nobody to mail her bills. I couldn’t live with myself to carry on as if my mother didn’t exist. I did everything I could. I will keep stepping back but she writes the bills I mail them. She gets the garbage together and I take it down the end of the driveway. I have to do this. I can’t go no contact. She’s 95 1/2 now. But the good news is I never went to the hospital year or today. The cab sent her home. She called me when she got home. She didn’t know what I was doing behind her back. She has a doctors appointment on Thursday that she said she would take call a bus to and from by herself. She doesn’t want any home visits from doctors or home health aids. I told my brother everything. He said he’ll come up at the end of February to see her. I did my best. I was all prepared for her to go to a facility. I appreciate everything you have all done for me. You helped me so much these last few days. But please respect my wishes to still see my mother, back off her when I need to, and walk away from her when she is verbally abusive to me. I love you all. I couldn’t have gotten through all this without you. Thank you, Elaine

((((((hugs))))) elaine. You are doing the right thing. Your mum is in professional care and that is where she needs to be. If you do what mum wants you will get sucked back in That's her way of doing things. It doesn't have to be yours. You are doing what is good for you and for her. Let the professionals deal with her.

Mother had a crisis about that age (one of several). The more the professionals got involved,the better it went, the better care she got, and the easier it was on me. Did she like it? No she didn't but, nonetheless, it was what was best for her. She got the care and meds that she needed.

Keep us updated.

Elaine,

Please feel peace about your decision. You know that she is being cared for. I think it’s good they have ordered a psych test. Things could be looking up!

Hugs. 💗

If they find her competent and she gets home in a cab then she has proved to them (and you) that she is competent to care for herself.

If she calls you for help (panic attack, breathing troubles, etc) you call 911 and have them deal with it. If it's an EMERGENCY, then EMERGENCY services need to intervene, not you.

YOU are powerless, except in your ability to step back and let the professionals do their jobs. Dont let your mother or anyone else manipulate you into sacrificing your life, your health or your livelihood. And tell your son to back off as well.

One more thing, Elaine. Your mother has groomed you for a lifetime to feel guilt. YOU are not guilty YOU have not done anything wrong.

Find yourself a therapist who can help you work on these triggers.

When you see the SW tomorrow, ask about having your mother sent to a psychiatric facility for evaluation ESPECIALLY if they suggest that because she is competent, they want to send her home.

Write down a list: hoarding, panic attacks, alcoholism, refusal to seek medical care, inability to manage medications and renewals, refusal or inability to perform basic hygiene, grooming or dressing.

Present this dispassionately and calmly. Mention that you have guardianship of your adult son (that both establishes you as a person who has been found responsible by the courts AND that you already have a lot on your plate).

If they say they are sending her home in a cab, ask for an occupational therapist to evaluate her home as a place she can be safely discharged to.

Good luck and let us know how you make out! (((((Hugs)))))).

Even if she doesn't get placed this go round, EMS will have called her in to APS. If she goes home, she will end up hospitalized again soon. As long as you don't show up to take her home, they will get the message.